I really like the first line. It's very powerful and immediately makes me interested in your story. The words of the pastor do a great job of explaining the character in a concise way.
Your writing style is very descriptive- just a general note, but it really is great for readers to get into your story. I can tell that you are really visualizing each moment in your film as you write it. Immediately, the characters of Cooper and Jeb intrigue me because of both the description and their dialogue. I don't watch a lot of westerns, but I'm assuming you do if you want to make one, but the dialogue seems very natural, conscientious, and wisely written to me.
I love the device of the bell. It really adds suspense and anticipation.
I think you could make the interaction with the Caretaker (pages 13 and 14) more interesting. He isn't there long enough for us to really worry about him. Maybe draw out his interaction with Jeb to create even more anxiety in the situation.
It's hilarious that Jeb still steals the gold from Abraham even though he is alive!
After reading, here are some more of my thoughts:
1. I love your writing style, but I am worried that including camera direction will hurt you in the editing process. Typically scripts don't have camera direction, and I know that this is a script you will be filming yourself so it's helpful for you to visualize, but I'm afraid that by having specific shots already established for each beat, you will limit yourself. You don't want to only film one shot for any given action and then realize in post that it doesn't work or that something else could communicate the moment more effectively. Basically, I would just be mindful of that so you don't limit your shot list and regret it later.
2. You build up so much anticipation in such an effective way, and your story includes very interesting characters and a really great premise, but I think the ending is kind of a bummer. For some reason, it just wasn't as exciting to me as I thought it would be based on the suspense you created for the first 13 or so pages. Maybe include some foreshadowing in the Pastor's speech at the sermon about something of Abraham's character that will inform something he does at the end after climbing out of the hole that we maybe weren't expecting. That's just one idea, though. Generally, I just think that it's not interesting enough to end with him simply climbing out. We knew from the bell the whole time that he was alive. How can you surprise us at the end? You've earned something shocking with the suspense you built so I hope you find a way to create that!
Very nice script man. The anticipation that is created throughout the script is very palpable and evident. You get the sense that something could happen and the stakes are there from the beginning. The threat of the Caretaker finding them and the risk-reward involved allow the audience to really delve into the story and grow to really like these two misfits which can be very hard to do.
Good job on the dialogue, it feels real and I really believe both characters. They give each other a sort of breath and help provide a measuring stick against one another. They each stick to their general roles and don't find themselves saying something that you wouldn't believe from the way the characters are setup.
I really like the beginning that helps set up the story and the pages just flew by. I agree with Kristine that the bells are really intriguing and the whole scenario allows the audience to get invested in what the ringing is without generally jumping to the conclusion that Abraham is alive all along.
I think that what the ending needs to have in order to fully realize the situation is to draw it out a little bit. While I am not usually an advocate of adding things to the script when it fits well, I think that the build-up is so well done that we almost feel let down that there isn't more to it. I think that is a great indication of how strong the writing is in the script that we actually want more from it.
I forgot to answer the questions of your journal in the original response.
1 - I think it sets a good tone for the rest of the film. The opening sequence sets a visual tone to the film and also helps pace along the story. It is driven by the voice over that in a short time allows us to connect to a character that we will shortly lose. Thus allowing us to become connected to him when they continue to dig up his grave allowing us to worry and fear for his safety.
2 - I loved the ringing of the bell as a setup. I think that going to it three times is a good amount especially allowing us to see two different times that it was a more act of nature/god than having to worry about that it is truly Abe.
3 - I addressed that in my last comment.
4 - I think that I realized that he wasn't dead when we started by walking in the cemetery. The biggest thing is that I ignored it due to the strong writing and the anticipation that was built up before that time. It was once you went to the bell ringing the second time, that it finally stood out in my mind. That is not a bad thing, it allowed me to forget about it and get lost in the characters you have created and the world around them, that I forgot about the setup earlier.
4 - The ending comes full circle, especially with the snatching of the cross. While that moment allows for a comedic moment, you have also set up the removal of the cross as finally receiving life again and a second chance.
This is on par with "SHOOT HER!" or Yippie Kiaye, Mother Fucker."
At first, I was thinking, "what happened to the other script?" But after a couple pages, I think I like this one better. It's funny how each of us have our little niches and after reading this I couldn't help but think of "Detached." It's good to know what you like so that you can hone it until its perfect (or as perfect as it can get.)
I think "Untitled" is a nearly perfect. (OH! Side note... Title possibility, "The Ring" - Already taken? Shit! Oh well...) Anyways, as both Kristine and Taurean said, the ending needs a little work.
I thought Jeb was going to get shot and Abe was going to be left rotting. Then, as it was unfolding, I really did not want that to happen. I liked Jeb's character, and I actually felt some desperation and hopefulness for Abe. After said and done, I almost would have rather my first instinct. Not that the ending is bad, its just that the rest is much better that the ending needs a little more.
Here are some notes and a suggestion or two.
I honestly think that Cooper's character would leave Jeb and not return. Explore that option.
............
Hmm... I am trying to come up with different scenarios of what could happen, but going back to the story, it actually grew on me. I was going to say Jeb should be rewarded with something more than a cross for his good deed, but the guy is a grave robber, so I suppose it's only right that he gets the short end of the stick.
(Be patient with me, I'm typing aloud here) Maybe what bothered me was Abe's reaction to being let out. "What happened?" I think if he had been buried alive, his first reaction would have been "Holy Shit, thank you!" THEN, "what happened?" It seems so minimal, but things like that might take someone out of the whole thing. For example I just got done watching Hangover 2 again, and Stew's wife does not say ANYTHING about his Mike Tyson tattoo and that takes me out of it. I can believe an entire night of debauchery, but no woman would just accept the fact the man they are marrying just got a face tat and not even say a word.
I guess my point here is sort of tied into the other responses about the ending. Maybe you could have Abe GIVE Jeb a reward of some sort that was also buried with him, THEN he goes back to steal the cross. Or maybe ABE GIVES HIM THE CROSS, then he comes back for the hat.
Again, I'm thinking aloud and not making much sense. Bottom line: Great start and I'm looking forward to being a part of it!
I'm hooked. Love it. I want to get right to your concerns.
Yes, this script is paced very fast. But that might not be a bad thing. You have great moments that do not necessarily have to be executed in a fast pace. Westerns aren't really defined by their fast pace anyway. The best ones take their time to tell a simple story. For example, the scene where all of the bells start ringing, that could be play out longer than it reads. Remember, your script is a short, it's okay to come late and leave early.
It's okay that the comedy fades away, because the tension rises. Cooper's comedy is good, because he is a character. But give him a reason to be with Jeb as well. Maybe Cooper has a gambling debt? Just a thought. Ultimately I think that comedy returns in the end when they get Abraham out of the coffin, so it's fine for me.
Your opening sequence is extremely effective. Very visual, very planned out. And you match the sermon to the mortician's actions very well. after reading your journal i noticed one thing, your theme is, if you want a second chance you have to earn it. How does Abraham earn his second chance? How does Jeb? How does Cooper? I think if you work on that you might have something to go along with a already well crafted story.
Connecting the characters is a great idea, if you can figure out the right way. Really focus in on your themes, morals and ideals. I find that really helps me when I'm writing. Having said that, I think the stand off between Jeb and the Caretaker could be beefed up a bit more. What you have is good, but I know it can be great.
Just a thought! Maybe Abraham could get pissed at Jeb for taking his cross and Jeb could be like "Really? I just dug your ass up!" or "Sorry, finders fee!"
In the words of Sam Elliot "I like your style, Dude."
I love the way you hold up the comedic rule of three with bad things happening to the cat, but I was actually hoping to see the cat come back one last time and have something good happen to it in order to make up for its bad night(Abraham adopting the cat maybe?).
Your scene descriptions are written in a very interesting way that stays consistent with the rest of your tone throughout the script. It actually feels very much the way the dialogue goes.
One of the best attributes your script has going for it is atmosphere. When the bells start ringing, it really did put me on edge, and I wasn't sure if this was about to enter the realm of Weird West with zombies or supernatural with a ghost or nothing at all.
Regarding your concerns, I think that the pacing does feel a little bit quick in the end, but it can be alleviated by having a scene with the Caretaker earlier. I know we see him at the funeral, but maybe him sitting down to dinner or something like that can make him a more developed character earlier on, which in turn makes the pacing better because we don't have to get acquainted with him quite so fast.
I think the comedy is still largely present in the script, if not an even 50-50 trade with the drama.
I actually thought the opening monologue was about the Mortician at first, which really had me thinking that this was going to go in a totally different direction. As it is, I really like the direction it did take, because it was a nice surprise.
If you really wanted to connect Jeb and Abraham, you could rewrite Abraham be the son of the mourning woman and have him be a fellow suitor for Sarah.
The script is well thought out Derek. I like all the subtle details you added throughout the journey of the robbers. The cat being scattered repeatedly, the scar exposition, the recapture of the hat, and the cross theft and the end are all small details that can really help make the film an entertaining and effective whole. It feels very much to me like a Clint Eastwood western. I watched The Outlaw Josey Whales for the first time in a while the other day, and I couldn’t help but notice the character parallels between Josey and Jeb, and the kid with Cooper. Eastwood often portrays a levelheaded and just criminal of sorts, much like the character traits of Jeb. In this sense, the script truly gives the sense of western justice. Have you seen The Outlaw Josey Whales?
I think the fast paced opening sequence could contrast well with the grave scene, and provides the exposition in a very visually interesting way. I love the role of the cat you have written into the narrative, but I am concerned if it you can truly bank on a cat performing as needed each instance. It would be pretty amazing to get all of the shots with the cat you have planned for. You do an amazing job of build up a sense of anxiety and anticipation with the false alarms and the moment of surrender for Jeb. In a truly western feat the ethically flimsy sidekick, unexpectedly returns to save the deserved. I think it will work well because it is so unexpected. The dialogue is terrific and sounds very natural throughout. The ethical decisions made by your characters do an awesome job of communicating your overall theme. Nice work.
I may have screwed myself by reading your journal first because I knew that Abraham wasn't dead but as for a specific moment in the script, I knew as soon as you focused on the bell that it was going to start ringing, however I was expecting it to ring right away not several pages later.
As most everyone has mentioned the ending needs work but I think your idea about connecting all the characters could really help you here. While I like your characters I'm not completely invested in them. I think you should play up Jeb and Cooper's friendship a bit more. And I agree that there should be more of an interaction with the caretaker. I think Ricky has a great point in that we should meet the Caretaker sooner because I didn't feel like he had a significant purpose even though I knew what his purpose was supposed to be (I hope that made sense).
One of the biggest issues I have with your screenplay right now is that I can't tell if it's supposed to be more of a comedy or drama. After reading your general thoughts page in your journal I was expecting the script to be more dramatic and suspenseful, but there were too many light comedic moments that lent itself more to a comedy and they were intermixed in such a way that I was pulled out of the story… Before I had a chance to take in a serious moment, either Cooper or Jeb would say something that lightened the mood. Maybe I'm the only one that felt this way, but I think a great way to fix this (if others comment about this as well) is connecting the characters. Not only will it make us feel for them more, but the stakes will feel higher and there will be a much higher level of suspense.
The sun is sinking into the horizon... creating a kaleidoscope of colors across the oppressed cemetery. This first visual right here needs to be a wow factor, everyone is the audience needs to be amazed. I love the line and think that camera work here can be a great intro to your film. After reading, my thoughts this was perfect for Derek and if anyone can do this film, it’s you. One of my main focuses on, is how the audience will react while Jeb and Cooper are in the graveyard digging and trying to find the ringing bell. I am guessing this is a very serious movie, so you just have to make sure not to make it comedic, unless you want that direction when they are running around getting trying to silent the bells. It almost come across to me as a three stooges scene in the sense that you think you fixed it, but another problem keeps evolving, making it funnier than the last. I think the dialogue is great, just make sure there is a line between mocking hick talk and accents to what and how people who say and talk in the 1800’s. I enjoyed the dialogue though. The end can be very suspenseful also, having the audience at the edge of their seats waiting to see if Abraham is alive or not. Some logistics of the film are just either making a graveyard or trying to find one to shoot in, and also shooting a night. It is a very hard and tricky thing to do. I would just do a lot of research on that area on production. Love the script and story, a great original idea.
Now that that is out of the way, I really really like this story. It has a very noticeable Coen Brothers feel to it, and it is still your own very distinctive style. The tension that you have succeeded in creating is nothing short of impressive. As of right now, I think that your movie is one of the most complete and ready to shoot. Does that mean it is perfect? No, but with some effort it certainly can be. This is going to be an incredibly visually striking piece, and your script sends that message. However, I think that your script could actually be a little longer. I would like to see more back story about Cooper and Jeb's relationship and for that matter I would like to feel the stakes raised more as to why the two men are in the graveyard to begin with. As far as the graveyard, doable, just need to start looking now, as far as shooting at night, easy. Leave the visual stuff up to me and we will get your vision on the screen.
By gosh, Derek, you're natural born screenwriter!!! You got some very eciting stuff here, stuff that I can't wait to see!!!
First off, the suspense. Oh boy, did you build up to it! I love that. It kept me on the edge of my chair here at the library! Great job, man! Wonderful set up. Very nicely explained, pictured everything. The period in which this story takes place, I believe, you captured right on, even though it takes place in a cemetary. I'm gonna blame most of this on the dialogue. Man, did you capture the voices! May I ask what items you looked at or researched to get it so accurately? It didn't feel fake or forced or like a film student trying to figure out how this certain character talks. I love it. The build up, as I said, was perfect. The characters you introduced were so alive. I like how they started out as scheming thieves with villainous traits and ended up being the heroes of the story. Totally did not see that coming. Well, I did in a way for I thought they were gonna end up killing the sombies at the end haha! But yea, there's even character development!!! It flows well, there's a clear beginning, middle, and end. BUT...I don't know, the one thing that did leave me a little bit scratching my head was your ending. I feel that after all that build up, I was kinda expecting something more that went a long with the first part of the story. What i'm trying to say is that the ending wasn't nearly as excting as the majority of the story. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. I like its kind heartedness. I like that it didn't turn into a sombie flick, that would've been so redundant and expected. This wasn't expected. But it left me wanting something else, and that I have no idea what it is. Don't hate me :/ Overall, I think you did a great job in writing such an exhilarting story. You clealry have a vision and you clearly know how to put that in writing. You got me hooked, man. This might just be at the top of my list!
I just want to say... that I think you are a great guy... a real brochacho of mine... so don't take this the wrong way....
But I thought your script was awesome. Kind of reminded me of a western version of Tucker and Dale... in that both these guys are idiots. You did a masterful job of building up the tension and by the time that we reached the climax you have us wanting more and more. So great job. The dialogue was funny and natural, and it flowed very well, you can real tell these guys have a long stupid relationship, and there banter is almost routine.
This script was very beautifully written, and your descriptions were very detailed and concise.
The only problem I had with it is the ending. I almost didn't want them to get away... i half expected them to get shot or something and they would be in the grave with abraham... which kind of goes along with your dark humor... or maybe they get killed and the caretaker realizes they were telling the truth... kind of a Coen Brothers ending aka The Ladykillers. Even that being said, my problem with the ending wasn't even big and I still was satisfied.
Dude. Awesome script. I was sort of surprised when I saw you were writing a western, but I really liked it! Nick is right in saying that it has similarities with Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, which was a great film!
I loved all the detail you went into, it really helped me to believe what was going on. Probably my most critical feedback would be to work on the ending. It feels like a cop out and that it's not as suspenseful or exciting as the rest of the script. I felt the suspense build up throughout the rest of the script and then it just kind of hung there. I can't quite pinpoint why, but maybe you could play around with it and figure out what works for the story best.
Man I'm really impressed with your script. It is very solid and I thought the dialogue was very strong, and to be honest I could see this being shot right now. The only thing that would concern me is Abraham's condition after he gets out of the coffin. I feel like if I was in a space like that for that long with a limited amount of oxygen, I'd probably be able to move and would need extensive care considering the amount of oxygen the body needs to function. I think people may dismiss this for the sake of the story, and miracles do happen. The suspense and buildup is great. I love the idea of the ringing bell, and I think it works perfectly. I am very excited to see this and I think you hit this on the head.
I agree with Roger that it does feel like a Coen Brothers movie, and I think that you could go off of many of his films for the visual aspect of it. I think that with the right casting the relationship with Cooper and Jeb could be flawless and the chemistry will speak for itself. Especially for the Caretaker. I just see a above ave. intimidating guy with a rough face. I really don't know what else to say at this moment, I think the discussion in class will be interesting, and I'm interested to see what Adam says about it. I like it a lot and would be more than willing to help you out with this.
impressive Derek :) I really like the dialogue you have going here, I think with the right actors you'll have just the perfect short. Jeb and Cooper are two characters you won't get bored watching. I'm not a big western film person but I really like this, usually the dialogue kills me but this one is...how do I put this... just the right "western" twang but not even close to being exaggerated lol if that makes sense :P I really like it :)
overall, great job! :) looking forward to talking more about this in class
I really think that the relationship between your characters is what makes your story very strong. The interaction between characters goals, character’s relations and the locations you have selected are greatly well chosen.
While reading I fell a very solid style comes from your writing. The humor tones combined with the tension of the situation is incredibly well designed.
I think that the ending works for your story as a short. I was satisfied at the ending. I would love to read your journal –to know what you want to transmit the audience, what emotion do you want them to feel at the ending? - But I cannot find it in the drop box. I know it is my fault, I am answering late. Sorry about that. So please, if by chance you are able to upload it again I will be more than happy to comment on it.
First reactions:
ReplyDeleteI really like the first line. It's very powerful and immediately makes me interested in your story. The words of the pastor do a great job of explaining the character in a concise way.
Your writing style is very descriptive- just a general note, but it really is great for readers to get into your story. I can tell that you are really visualizing each moment in your film as you write it. Immediately, the characters of Cooper and Jeb intrigue me because of both the description and their dialogue. I don't watch a lot of westerns, but I'm assuming you do if you want to make one, but the dialogue seems very natural, conscientious, and wisely written to me.
I love the device of the bell. It really adds suspense and anticipation.
I think you could make the interaction with the Caretaker (pages 13 and 14) more interesting. He isn't there long enough for us to really worry about him. Maybe draw out his interaction with Jeb to create even more anxiety in the situation.
It's hilarious that Jeb still steals the gold from Abraham even though he is alive!
After reading, here are some more of my thoughts:
1. I love your writing style, but I am worried that including camera direction will hurt you in the editing process. Typically scripts don't have camera direction, and I know that this is a script you will be filming yourself so it's helpful for you to visualize, but I'm afraid that by having specific shots already established for each beat, you will limit yourself. You don't want to only film one shot for any given action and then realize in post that it doesn't work or that something else could communicate the moment more effectively. Basically, I would just be mindful of that so you don't limit your shot list and regret it later.
2. You build up so much anticipation in such an effective way, and your story includes very interesting characters and a really great premise, but I think the ending is kind of a bummer. For some reason, it just wasn't as exciting to me as I thought it would be based on the suspense you created for the first 13 or so pages. Maybe include some foreshadowing in the Pastor's speech at the sermon about something of Abraham's character that will inform something he does at the end after climbing out of the hole that we maybe weren't expecting. That's just one idea, though. Generally, I just think that it's not interesting enough to end with him simply climbing out. We knew from the bell the whole time that he was alive. How can you surprise us at the end? You've earned something shocking with the suspense you built so I hope you find a way to create that!
Mr. Smith... Mr. Smith... Mr. Smith....
ReplyDeleteVery nice script man. The anticipation that is created throughout the script is very palpable and evident. You get the sense that something could happen and the stakes are there from the beginning. The threat of the Caretaker finding them and the risk-reward involved allow the audience to really delve into the story and grow to really like these two misfits which can be very hard to do.
Good job on the dialogue, it feels real and I really believe both characters. They give each other a sort of breath and help provide a measuring stick against one another. They each stick to their general roles and don't find themselves saying something that you wouldn't believe from the way the characters are setup.
I really like the beginning that helps set up the story and the pages just flew by. I agree with Kristine that the bells are really intriguing and the whole scenario allows the audience to get invested in what the ringing is without generally jumping to the conclusion that Abraham is alive all along.
I think that what the ending needs to have in order to fully realize the situation is to draw it out a little bit. While I am not usually an advocate of adding things to the script when it fits well, I think that the build-up is so well done that we almost feel let down that there isn't more to it. I think that is a great indication of how strong the writing is in the script that we actually want more from it.
I forgot to answer the questions of your journal in the original response.
ReplyDelete1 - I think it sets a good tone for the rest of the film. The opening sequence sets a visual tone to the film and also helps pace along the story. It is driven by the voice over that in a short time allows us to connect to a character that we will shortly lose. Thus allowing us to become connected to him when they continue to dig up his grave allowing us to worry and fear for his safety.
2 - I loved the ringing of the bell as a setup. I think that going to it three times is a good amount especially allowing us to see two different times that it was a more act of nature/god than having to worry about that it is truly Abe.
3 - I addressed that in my last comment.
4 - I think that I realized that he wasn't dead when we started by walking in the cemetery. The biggest thing is that I ignored it due to the strong writing and the anticipation that was built up before that time. It was once you went to the bell ringing the second time, that it finally stood out in my mind. That is not a bad thing, it allowed me to forget about it and get lost in the characters you have created and the world around them, that I forgot about the setup earlier.
4 - The ending comes full circle, especially with the snatching of the cross. While that moment allows for a comedic moment, you have also set up the removal of the cross as finally receiving life again and a second chance.
"PLACE IS TOOK OVER BY FELINES"
ReplyDeleteThis is on par with "SHOOT HER!" or Yippie Kiaye, Mother Fucker."
At first, I was thinking, "what happened to the other script?" But after a couple pages, I think I like this one better. It's funny how each of us have our little niches and after reading this I couldn't help but think of "Detached." It's good to know what you like so that you can hone it until its perfect (or as perfect as it can get.)
I think "Untitled" is a nearly perfect. (OH! Side note... Title possibility, "The Ring" - Already taken? Shit! Oh well...) Anyways, as both Kristine and Taurean said, the ending needs a little work.
I thought Jeb was going to get shot and Abe was going to be left rotting. Then, as it was unfolding, I really did not want that to happen. I liked Jeb's character, and I actually felt some desperation and hopefulness for Abe. After said and done, I almost would have rather my first instinct. Not that the ending is bad, its just that the rest is much better that the ending needs a little more.
Here are some notes and a suggestion or two.
I honestly think that Cooper's character would leave Jeb and not return. Explore that option.
............
Hmm... I am trying to come up with different scenarios of what could happen, but going back to the story, it actually grew on me. I was going to say Jeb should be rewarded with something more than a cross for his good deed, but the guy is a grave robber, so I suppose it's only right that he gets the short end of the stick.
(Be patient with me, I'm typing aloud here) Maybe what bothered me was Abe's reaction to being let out. "What happened?" I think if he had been buried alive, his first reaction would have been "Holy Shit, thank you!" THEN, "what happened?" It seems so minimal, but things like that might take someone out of the whole thing. For example I just got done watching Hangover 2 again, and Stew's wife does not say ANYTHING about his Mike Tyson tattoo and that takes me out of it. I can believe an entire night of debauchery, but no woman would just accept the fact the man they are marrying just got a face tat and not even say a word.
I guess my point here is sort of tied into the other responses about the ending. Maybe you could have Abe GIVE Jeb a reward of some sort that was also buried with him, THEN he goes back to steal the cross. Or maybe ABE GIVES HIM THE CROSS, then he comes back for the hat.
Again, I'm thinking aloud and not making much sense. Bottom line: Great start and I'm looking forward to being a part of it!
Derek,
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Love it. I want to get right to your concerns.
Yes, this script is paced very fast. But that might not be a bad thing. You have great moments that do not necessarily have to be executed in a fast pace. Westerns aren't really defined by their fast pace anyway. The best ones take their time to tell a simple story. For example, the scene where all of the bells start ringing, that could be play out longer than it reads. Remember, your script is a short, it's okay to come late and leave early.
It's okay that the comedy fades away, because the tension rises. Cooper's comedy is good, because he is a character. But give him a reason to be with Jeb as well. Maybe Cooper has a gambling debt? Just a thought. Ultimately I think that comedy returns in the end when they get Abraham out of the coffin, so it's fine for me.
Your opening sequence is extremely effective. Very visual, very planned out. And you match the sermon to the mortician's actions very well. after reading your journal i noticed one thing, your theme is, if you want a second chance you have to earn it. How does Abraham earn his second chance? How does Jeb? How does Cooper? I think if you work on that you might have something to go along with a already well crafted story.
Connecting the characters is a great idea, if you can figure out the right way. Really focus in on your themes, morals and ideals. I find that really helps me when I'm writing. Having said that, I think the stand off between Jeb and the Caretaker could be beefed up a bit more. What you have is good, but I know it can be great.
Just a thought! Maybe Abraham could get pissed at Jeb for taking his cross and Jeb could be like "Really? I just dug your ass up!" or "Sorry, finders fee!"
In the words of Sam Elliot "I like your style, Dude."
This is a great piece of work.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you hold up the comedic rule of three with bad things happening to the cat, but I was actually hoping to see the cat come back one last time and have something good happen to it in order to make up for its bad night(Abraham adopting the cat maybe?).
Your scene descriptions are written in a very interesting way that stays consistent with the rest of your tone throughout the script. It actually feels very much the way the dialogue goes.
One of the best attributes your script has going for it is atmosphere. When the bells start ringing, it really did put me on edge, and I wasn't sure if this was about to enter the realm of Weird West with zombies or supernatural with a ghost or nothing at all.
Regarding your concerns, I think that the pacing does feel a little bit quick in the end, but it can be alleviated by having a scene with the Caretaker earlier. I know we see him at the funeral, but maybe him sitting down to dinner or something like that can make him a more developed character earlier on, which in turn makes the pacing better because we don't have to get acquainted with him quite so fast.
I think the comedy is still largely present in the script, if not an even 50-50 trade with the drama.
I actually thought the opening monologue was about the Mortician at first, which really had me thinking that this was going to go in a totally different direction. As it is, I really like the direction it did take, because it was a nice surprise.
If you really wanted to connect Jeb and Abraham, you could rewrite Abraham be the son of the mourning woman and have him be a fellow suitor for Sarah.
The script is well thought out Derek. I like all the subtle details you added throughout the journey of the robbers. The cat being scattered repeatedly, the scar exposition, the recapture of the hat, and the cross theft and the end are all small details that can really help make the film an entertaining and effective whole. It feels very much to me like a Clint Eastwood western. I watched The Outlaw Josey Whales for the first time in a while the other day, and I couldn’t help but notice the character parallels between Josey and Jeb, and the kid with Cooper. Eastwood often portrays a levelheaded and just criminal of sorts, much like the character traits of Jeb. In this sense, the script truly gives the sense of western justice. Have you seen The Outlaw Josey Whales?
ReplyDeleteI think the fast paced opening sequence could contrast well with the grave scene, and provides the exposition in a very visually interesting way. I love the role of the cat you have written into the narrative, but I am concerned if it you can truly bank on a cat performing as needed each instance. It would be pretty amazing to get all of the shots with the cat you have planned for. You do an amazing job of build up a sense of anxiety and anticipation with the false alarms and the moment of surrender for Jeb. In a truly western feat the ethically flimsy sidekick, unexpectedly returns to save the deserved. I think it will work well because it is so unexpected. The dialogue is terrific and sounds very natural throughout. The ethical decisions made by your characters do an awesome job of communicating your overall theme. Nice work.
I may have screwed myself by reading your journal first because I knew that Abraham wasn't dead but as for a specific moment in the script, I knew as soon as you focused on the bell that it was going to start ringing, however I was expecting it to ring right away not several pages later.
ReplyDeleteAs most everyone has mentioned the ending needs work but I think your idea about connecting all the characters could really help you here. While I like your characters I'm not completely invested in them. I think you should play up Jeb and Cooper's friendship a bit more. And I agree that there should be more of an interaction with the caretaker. I think Ricky has a great point in that we should meet the Caretaker sooner because I didn't feel like he had a significant purpose even though I knew what his purpose was supposed to be (I hope that made sense).
One of the biggest issues I have with your screenplay right now is that I can't tell if it's supposed to be more of a comedy or drama. After reading your general thoughts page in your journal I was expecting the script to be more dramatic and suspenseful, but there were too many light comedic moments that lent itself more to a comedy and they were intermixed in such a way that I was pulled out of the story… Before I had a chance to take in a serious moment, either Cooper or Jeb would say something that lightened the mood. Maybe I'm the only one that felt this way, but I think a great way to fix this (if others comment about this as well) is connecting the characters. Not only will it make us feel for them more, but the stakes will feel higher and there will be a much higher level of suspense.
The sun is sinking into the horizon... creating a kaleidoscope of colors across the oppressed cemetery. This first visual right here needs to be a wow factor, everyone is the audience needs to be amazed. I love the line and think that camera work here can be a great intro to your film. After reading, my thoughts this was perfect for Derek and if anyone can do this film, it’s you. One of my main focuses on, is how the audience will react while Jeb and Cooper are in the graveyard digging and trying to find the ringing bell. I am guessing this is a very serious movie, so you just have to make sure not to make it comedic, unless you want that direction when they are running around getting trying to silent the bells. It almost come across to me as a three stooges scene in the sense that you think you fixed it, but another problem keeps evolving, making it funnier than the last. I think the dialogue is great, just make sure there is a line between mocking hick talk and accents to what and how people who say and talk in the 1800’s. I enjoyed the dialogue though. The end can be very suspenseful also, having the audience at the edge of their seats waiting to see if Abraham is alive or not. Some logistics of the film are just either making a graveyard or trying to find one to shoot in, and also shooting a night. It is a very hard and tricky thing to do. I would just do a lot of research on that area on production. Love the script and story, a great original idea.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think you should purse this to the fullest and it made me laugh, for Cooper - it should be Dale from Tucker and Dale vs Evil!!! Love it!
ReplyDeleteI am going to shoot the shit out of this script.
ReplyDeleteNow that that is out of the way, I really really like this story. It has a very noticeable Coen Brothers feel to it, and it is still your own very distinctive style. The tension that you have succeeded in creating is nothing short of impressive. As of right now, I think that your movie is one of the most complete and ready to shoot. Does that mean it is perfect? No, but with some effort it certainly can be. This is going to be an incredibly visually striking piece, and your script sends that message. However, I think that your script could actually be a little longer. I would like to see more back story about Cooper and Jeb's relationship and for that matter I would like to feel the stakes raised more as to why the two men are in the graveyard to begin with. As far as the graveyard, doable, just need to start looking now, as far as shooting at night, easy. Leave the visual stuff up to me and we will get your vision on the screen.
By gosh, Derek, you're natural born screenwriter!!! You got some very eciting stuff here, stuff that I can't wait to see!!!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the suspense. Oh boy, did you build up to it! I love that. It kept me on the edge of my chair here at the library! Great job, man! Wonderful set up. Very nicely explained, pictured everything. The period in which this story takes place, I believe, you captured right on, even though it takes place in a cemetary. I'm gonna blame most of this on the dialogue. Man, did you capture the voices! May I ask what items you looked at or researched to get it so accurately? It didn't feel fake or forced or like a film student trying to figure out how this certain character talks. I love it. The build up, as I said, was perfect. The characters you introduced were so alive. I like how they started out as scheming thieves with villainous traits and ended up being the heroes of the story. Totally did not see that coming. Well, I did in a way for I thought they were gonna end up killing the sombies at the end haha! But yea, there's even character development!!! It flows well, there's a clear beginning, middle, and end. BUT...I don't know, the one thing that did leave me a little bit scratching my head was your ending. I feel that after all that build up, I was kinda expecting something more that went a long with the first part of the story. What i'm trying to say is that the ending wasn't nearly as excting as the majority of the story. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. I like its kind heartedness. I like that it didn't turn into a sombie flick, that would've been so redundant and expected. This wasn't expected. But it left me wanting something else, and that I have no idea what it is. Don't hate me :/
Overall, I think you did a great job in writing such an exhilarting story. You clealry have a vision and you clearly know how to put that in writing. You got me hooked, man. This might just be at the top of my list!
HEY WHALEBONE!!!!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say... that I think you are a great guy... a real brochacho of mine... so don't take this the wrong way....
But I thought your script was awesome. Kind of reminded me of a western version of Tucker and Dale... in that both these guys are idiots. You did a masterful job of building up the tension and by the time that we reached the climax you have us wanting more and more. So great job. The dialogue was funny and natural, and it flowed very well, you can real tell these guys have a long stupid relationship, and there banter is almost routine.
This script was very beautifully written, and your descriptions were very detailed and concise.
The only problem I had with it is the ending. I almost didn't want them to get away... i half expected them to get shot or something and they would be in the grave with abraham... which kind of goes along with your dark humor... or maybe they get killed and the caretaker realizes they were telling the truth... kind of a Coen Brothers ending aka The Ladykillers. Even that being said, my problem with the ending wasn't even big and I still was satisfied.
so..... lets not make this awkward.
Good Job Hans Brolo.
Love,
Nick
Derek,
ReplyDeleteDude. Awesome script. I was sort of surprised when I saw you were writing a western, but I really liked it! Nick is right in saying that it has similarities with Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, which was a great film!
I loved all the detail you went into, it really helped me to believe what was going on. Probably my most critical feedback would be to work on the ending. It feels like a cop out and that it's not as suspenseful or exciting as the rest of the script. I felt the suspense build up throughout the rest of the script and then it just kind of hung there. I can't quite pinpoint why, but maybe you could play around with it and figure out what works for the story best.
Man I'm really impressed with your script. It is very solid and I thought the dialogue was very strong, and to be honest I could see this being shot right now. The only thing that would concern me is Abraham's condition after he gets out of the coffin. I feel like if I was in a space like that for that long with a limited amount of oxygen, I'd probably be able to move and would need extensive care considering the amount of oxygen the body needs to function. I think people may dismiss this for the sake of the story, and miracles do happen. The suspense and buildup is great. I love the idea of the ringing bell, and I think it works perfectly. I am very excited to see this and I think you hit this on the head.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Roger that it does feel like a Coen Brothers movie, and I think that you could go off of many of his films for the visual aspect of it. I think that with the right casting the relationship with Cooper and Jeb could be flawless and the chemistry will speak for itself. Especially for the Caretaker. I just see a above ave. intimidating guy with a rough face. I really don't know what else to say at this moment, I think the discussion in class will be interesting, and I'm interested to see what Adam says about it. I like it a lot and would be more than willing to help you out with this.
impressive Derek :) I really like the dialogue you have going here, I think with the right actors you'll have just the perfect short. Jeb and Cooper are two characters you won't get bored watching. I'm not a big western film person but I really like this, usually the dialogue kills me but this one is...how do I put this... just the right "western" twang but not even close to being exaggerated lol if that makes sense :P I really like it :)
ReplyDeleteoverall, great job! :) looking forward to talking more about this in class
Cooper and Jeb
ReplyDeleteI really think that the relationship between your characters is what makes your story very strong. The interaction between characters goals, character’s relations and the locations you have selected are greatly well chosen.
While reading I fell a very solid style comes from your writing. The humor tones combined with the tension of the situation is incredibly well designed.
I think that the ending works for your story as a short. I was satisfied at the ending. I would love to read your journal –to know what you want to transmit the audience, what emotion do you want them to feel at the ending? - But I cannot find it in the drop box. I know it is my fault, I am answering late. Sorry about that. So please, if by chance you are able to upload it again I will be more than happy to comment on it.