I will post my journal later Monday evening / Monday Night.
As far as my new script, the biggest issue for me is needed a conflict with a resolution. I need the stakes to be higher with a conflict. I want a resolution that can be partly resolved in this episode, but leaves the audiences suspended to watch the next episode. Thanks!
So I like the changes you made. There is a more centralized group of people here and it's easier to follow who's who. I think dialogue still needs some work (small thing like people talk in contractions it's rather than it is and larger problems where the dialogue become a tad expositional (pg. 10 "What's up vince?…Grubbing before film come join me" we already know they're there to eat and that they're going to see film footage so you don't need to have them say it)). And the ending was really nice, I could visually see it and I was hoping you'd end with the drop of the puck which you did so that was cool.
My biggest concern now is that there isn't really any climatic moment, no conflict, and nothing really pushing the story forward. If I remember correctly you wanted this script to be like the pilot episode for a series, but you have to captivate your audience in this episode in order to get them to watch the rest the rest of the season. I don't see any potential problems that are going to arise. I don't feel like you set anything up to come back in episodes further down the road. I think that you have great potential to add some of those things in with this script, but I don't/can't see it right now.
Just read your blog post…it's good to know that you are aware of your conflict issues… I would suggest having something happen at the party that could have repercussions throughout the season, but that seems a bit overdone. I'll try to get back once I read you journal, but that's all I have for now.
I think that this idea makes a little more sense, especially if you are writing it as a pilot for a television series. You have several characters that have some depth to them, but they are all screaming for so much more. They framework seems to be there, and I can see how difficult it can be to try and squeeze as much information about the characters into a "23" minute pilot. I do feel like too many of the characters are similar and they all of their personalities seem to get lost in the mix.
As far as the stakes go, I don't know what they are, I assume that it is mainly about dealing with life as a teenager, and these teens just happen to be enveloped in ice hockey as opposed to more mainstream athletics. The one thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me is what ages they are supposed to be. How is it that all of these "kids" have there own house, get wasted, have copious amounts of sex and only focus on hockey? If it's geared towards major junior hockey leagues, all of those kids are required to attend school for at least a year, it's similar to college, and the teams pay for them, yet they are getting scouted by college hockey programs? If they are in high school and are sent off to juniors, they do not live alone, they are assigned "hockey families" in which one kids parents take in "x" number of players and help raise them and get them through school, kind of like a foster family. And if you are going for a prep school route like St. Mary's, they are required to live in dorms and there are dorm masters that keep the kids in line, so all of that is faulty and makes no sense. You seem to be grasping for a coming of age show that focus' on kids that are not really realistic nor are they likeable.
I think that the framework is there for a good show, but you need to figure out your age demographic, your characters ages and how to make an audience actually like some of these people. Like I said, I like where you are going, but you just need to keep working.
PS- How many cups do the Sharks have again? Better yet, how many times have the Sharks made it past the first round of the playoffs? That's what I thought, go Avs.
Roger, who has a history in hockey, should be the person to talk to about these details. I know a bit about hockey, like the fact that there are only three quarters in a game instead of four, but thats about all. But my questions while reading were similar to his. How old are they. Initially I assumed 10-15, until Diane takes off her shirt, then I thought 15-20. Gaps like where do they live?, parents? Beer? etc. are something audiences will overlook if you have good characters with a solid telling of their story. So I say focus on that. Besides, how many people watch hockey anyways? Not to be a dick, but unfortunately it is not as popular than any other sport. In fact I think more people watch Lecross than hockey.... Sad...
Conflict, as you and both Jennifer said, is easy. All you have to do is set up one (or one mob of) character(s) as an opposing team and presto, conflict!!!
Here are some strong possibilities.
NOW (Current draft) /// CONFLICT DRAFT Intro banter: initialize chars. ADD IN: line or two of the upcoming game Pro store: establishes rank and Andrew hurt ADD IN: Shop owner GIVING away free tape (& other minor things) so the Cougars BEAT opposing team. Restaurant: Est. more chars - pointless scene ADD IN: Instead of adding more Cougars, bring in the opposing team. Have them make a scene in the restaurant. with Slow motion!!!! Film scene: coach gets mad ADD IN: Stakes. Coach gets mad BECAUSE the Cougars CAN NOT LOSE TO THE DUCKS!!!! End: build up, and let down ADD IN: The tension between the two teams at the puck drop.
I really hope this helps!!!! I think you have something good on your hands, but unfortunately you have to commercialize it and follow the formula :( Obviously, Mighty Ducks is a strong influence, but I encourage you to go back and write down how many times (when and where) they hype up the conflict before the third act. It will really help bring this thing together!
As mentioned before, introducing some of the opposing teams characters would be a great way you to make several of the scenes more interesting and add conflict. The age range I assumed was 18-21. I think there are lots of great moments in the script and your passion for hockey is apparent. There are lots of great moments to capture, and I see it playing out in a visually pleasing way. Shooting on the ice could pose some big challenges, particularly with electrics.
The names could use some work. Ryan, Brian, Steven, Sam, and Andrew are all typical believable names, but they’re all too similar and every group of friends has at least one or two more peculiar names. Most of these characters still need some more fleshing out. Adding some motivating internal conflicts, as well as a tense confrontation with the opposing team days before the game I think could help immensely.
You could make the coach more interesting and 3 dimensional by establishing that some internal conflict or importance of game with the rival team as an instigating factor for wailing on Sam. Mis-channeled anger/frustration was the feeling I got from coach in the film scene.
This version of your story is much more fluid and interesting than the original draft. I think you lost a key source of conflict by dropping the cheating team captain’s girlfriend, although there are other ways to bring it back. I get a much stronger sense of the teams friendships in this draft, which makes them more likeable characters, but we need some to dislike too. Most of the dialogue worked for me, but needs some adjustments. I felt it was strange that Bruce called Brain rook, just like his friends, but maybe that’s common place, I’m not sure.
Roger raised some good concerns about the realism of the piece, which could pose a big concern it is to be expanded into a full season. From a short film standpoint, it’s not a big issue since must of your audience will not know the details of hockey juniors. Feed the audience what you want them to believe. Although, if you want hockey fans to enjoy the film and not nitpick, these issues should be addressed in a realistic way. It ends on an exciting and positive note. What if, for the sake of dramatic tension, the audience was clued in to an opposing team members conniving scheme to gain the upper hand in the game, through playing dirty/sabotage/or something of the like. The tension created by not knowing how that will play out could create a bigger cliffhanger, but it’s just a thought. I’m excited to see this project come to life. Talk to you soon!
Hey, Jeff! Jeff, that's your name, right? I remembered this time, haha!
Well, good job, man! I find you've improved on your script immensely. Shortter, straight to the point and yet somewhoe you retained that something that made your first draft really refreshing and entertaining. Umm, it's very clear that you know your hockey. I like that you don't really explain as to what your characters are doing, just makes the thing more intriguing. I do wanna say that it's simple, meaning there's really no conflict, whatsoever going on in this film. And at first, mainly through reading the first half, I was kinda waiting for something to happen and introduce us a dilemma of some sort. I was even thinking something really bad was going on with Andrew's health since you kinda build too much on it. But then, after reading it all, it kinda didn't bother me. It felt honest and rather cheerful and to have a movie like this every now and then is refreshing. I really liked your ending for it really makes me want to see what happens next. So yeah, I would say you have a successful piolot on your hands though for one of those having a conflict of some sort would be extremely crucial. For a short film, I belive, it plays just fine. That's just me, however, I don't know how else it may be for other people. But people do like conflict, a lot. As far as script format goes, I would say to PLEASE give a decription, a short one, doesn't matter, but have one of your characters. I wanna know how the look, though I think I have a clear idea noting from the way they speak. Also, make you take a look at your seplling and overall grammar, it would just help us avoid getting distracted by minor things like that. Also, I like your dialogue. It sounds like you know what you're talking about, once again, but I feel you could go an extra inch on some of these scenes. For example, when coach is going off on Sam during the playbacks. Needs to be more gritty on the coaches side. Make the doctor sound like a doctor and stuff like that. I guess, just really research a little bit more on each and everyone of these characters and how they speak.
I'd say over all, you're doing a fine job. Maybe just one more revision or two and you'll be set to go! It's a feel-good, refrshing film or episode and i'm looking forward in seeing it!
This draft is much cleaner and much more concise. Just because of that, I think it is a really huge jump in progress. I still noticed a few minor formatting issues, but I don't want to really focus on that.
I agree with Nathan's comment about the names. My first thought was that "Ryan" and "Brian" are entirely too similar, and this could be a bit confusing. I agree with his point that some of the names could be more peculiar. A character's name, other than the character's appearance, is usually one of the first things the audience has to get to know the character. Maybe you could find names that better reflect personalities in clever or subtle ways. I agree that the names are too bland.
I would say that the dialogue is pretty expositional, but I think with television it is a bit easier to get away with this. Still, though, I think it needs some work. I found it hard to concentrate as a lot of it is pretty dialogue-heavy with not a lot of action. I am not very knowledgable with hockey, so I don't have a lot of feedback about your plot, but I do think the suggestion of showing opposing teams is strong. My main concern is what I already said about the dialogue. I hope that helps a little bit!
Also, I didn't see your journal, and I'm not 100% sure how helpful a journal would be to you as I think that you should be formatting your pre-production ideas and notes into a show bible. I think you should talk to Philip Taylor about that if you aren't super aware of the formatting of it. He could point you in the right direction, and I think that if you haven't already started the bible, it will be a great tool for figuring out your story/characters and showing to potential investors, etc. Good luck!
I think that you have focused your film/pilot more which is helping you towards your overall goal.
However, I think I am still confused on what exactly you want to do. I can't tell if you want to write for a TV show or to make this as a way of leading it up to a TV series. If I am completely off base and you want to shoot this as something that is a dramatic movie, then we are left without resolution or even a true conflict. This is why I believe that you are making a TV series. I think that if that was clarified it would really help out your overall project.
If the writing is the case, I still believe that you need to write it out in a full hour long format because this is a dramatic series and it is really hard for this to be contained in a half hour area. Very few dramatic shows on television exist in a half-hour time space. I think if you were to give yourself the extra time in the script form that would really help. If not I would like to know with your journal, what your plan is for the future. What you have right now feels essentially like the halfway point of an episode.
Even with all of that, I think that you clearly have something that interests you in a hockey show. I think that you should do as some others suggested and take a look at the dialogue. I know that it is easily the hardest thing to do in writing but you should talk it out with someone or re-read it and try and shape it more towards the characters. They seem to just be telling us exactly what is going on without offering us a look really into who they are as a character.
As far as conflict goes, I don't really see any amongst the characters. I mean I get that Sam kinda sucks, and Brian is the rookie, but there doesn't seem to be much internal or even external conflict for anyone in the show. I think that you need to find something that keeps us interested from the very beginning. I think you really need to find something interesting to hook us from the start. I wasn't really sure where the story was heading in the beginning and you have to grab the reader from the beginning. I think you were on the right track in your last script as far as starting with something interesting and leading with the conflict. If you can find something along those lines to help grab the audience from the start then you can worry about the rest of the conflict as the story plays out.
While I like how it ends now (from an episodic POV) part of me is still crying foul because we don't really get any hockey action. We see some practice and messing around, but we don't get to a real game until the very end, and then it just ends. It ends in a really good way, but at the same time I'm expecting it to be more around the lines of a commercial break than a flat out ending of the episode, and I'd have a hard time coming back to this show if the pilot for this show about hockey players didn't have them actually playing hockey in the first episode.
I think the major problem is that it's just hard to do the kind of project you're trying to do in a half-hour format. This really needs to be an hour long program if it's going to gel for a lot of people, and the main reason is balancing. It's good that you're establishing the characters as people outside of hockey so that we root for them when it comes down to the actual game, but we need to seem them established as hockey players too, and the best way to do that is to actually see them play.
On the issue of conflict, I really think it's because we don't really get any feeling as to who the protagonists are fighting. Obviously they're playing against another team, but we don't really get a feeling of antagonism from them. Again, I think this is stemmed from us not actually meeting anyone from that team and not seeing the game get down in full effect.
This really has a lot of potential, but it's too cramped when you try and make it 23 pages. You need to let it breath a lot more so audiences can get the payoff of actually seeing the game and getting to know the characters a bit. There's a lot to like here, but it feels incomplete.
I felt that this was a much cleaner version and was an easier read, however, I feel like you are missing the meat. There's not really any point in there that makes me say "I need to see the next episode" or I need to see what happens next. I think that hockey action would help but I want to know whats at stake for who and what is driving the plot. To me this reminds me of when I play sports in high school and that could be enough for some people, but for me I want to see success. I want to see the characters that struggle and are putting their heart into every moment. I think you need to set up a bit of character motivation and layout where you want each one to go or what you want them to face next. Also I think that once you clear up your intentions and such you'll be able to work from there, but I completely agree with Taurean in that I would love to see the 60 min. version because I think it'll be a win win situation. You'll get what you need out of lengthening it and if you want to take it down to 30 min, you'll have more to work from then what you have now. I really like what you have and I think they have great moments, but it all justs feels like filler, and I'm missing out on great content. Keep up the work, cause you are moving forward.
I really believe that you have made a huge leap from your previous script... And that your heading in the right direction. I think you just need to know what that direction is. It seems that you have a coming of age story building here in the form of a television series so I think the most important thing to focus on is character arcs. Where do you want each of these characters to be headed in the coming episodes? I think that answering this question will help you to build each of their internal and external conflicts in the first episode... Because as of now there doesn't really seem to be any.
I think Ricky made a good point in terms of the conflict... We don't have an antagonist in the series yet... And because of that, we have no reason to to believe that these young brochachos (age?) aren't going to succeed. Regardless, you have made a huge amount of progress since your last deliverable... Keep it up. I'm excited to see where this goes.
I will post my journal later Monday evening / Monday Night.
ReplyDeleteAs far as my new script, the biggest issue for me is needed a conflict with a resolution. I need the stakes to be higher with a conflict. I want a resolution that can be partly resolved in this episode, but leaves the audiences suspended to watch the next episode. Thanks!
So I like the changes you made. There is a more centralized group of people here and it's easier to follow who's who. I think dialogue still needs some work (small thing like people talk in contractions it's rather than it is and larger problems where the dialogue become a tad expositional (pg. 10 "What's up vince?…Grubbing before film come join me" we already know they're there to eat and that they're going to see film footage so you don't need to have them say it)). And the ending was really nice, I could visually see it and I was hoping you'd end with the drop of the puck which you did so that was cool.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern now is that there isn't really any climatic moment, no conflict, and nothing really pushing the story forward. If I remember correctly you wanted this script to be like the pilot episode for a series, but you have to captivate your audience in this episode in order to get them to watch the rest the rest of the season. I don't see any potential problems that are going to arise. I don't feel like you set anything up to come back in episodes further down the road. I think that you have great potential to add some of those things in with this script, but I don't/can't see it right now.
Just read your blog post…it's good to know that you are aware of your conflict issues… I would suggest having something happen at the party that could have repercussions throughout the season, but that seems a bit overdone. I'll try to get back once I read you journal, but that's all I have for now.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteWell, there are periods.
I think that this idea makes a little more sense, especially if you are writing it as a pilot for a television series. You have several characters that have some depth to them, but they are all screaming for so much more. They framework seems to be there, and I can see how difficult it can be to try and squeeze as much information about the characters into a "23" minute pilot. I do feel like too many of the characters are similar and they all of their personalities seem to get lost in the mix.
As far as the stakes go, I don't know what they are, I assume that it is mainly about dealing with life as a teenager, and these teens just happen to be enveloped in ice hockey as opposed to more mainstream athletics. The one thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me is what ages they are supposed to be. How is it that all of these "kids" have there own house, get wasted, have copious amounts of sex and only focus on hockey? If it's geared towards major junior hockey leagues, all of those kids are required to attend school for at least a year, it's similar to college, and the teams pay for them, yet they are getting scouted by college hockey programs? If they are in high school and are sent off to juniors, they do not live alone, they are assigned "hockey families" in which one kids parents take in "x" number of players and help raise them and get them through school, kind of like a foster family. And if you are going for a prep school route like St. Mary's, they are required to live in dorms and there are dorm masters that keep the kids in line, so all of that is faulty and makes no sense. You seem to be grasping for a coming of age show that focus' on kids that are not really realistic nor are they likeable.
I think that the framework is there for a good show, but you need to figure out your age demographic, your characters ages and how to make an audience actually like some of these people. Like I said, I like where you are going, but you just need to keep working.
PS- How many cups do the Sharks have again? Better yet, how many times have the Sharks made it past the first round of the playoffs? That's what I thought, go Avs.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteBoth Roger and Jennifer make good points.
Roger, who has a history in hockey, should be the person to talk to about these details. I know a bit about hockey, like the fact that there are only three quarters in a game instead of four, but thats about all. But my questions while reading were similar to his. How old are they. Initially I assumed 10-15, until Diane takes off her shirt, then I thought 15-20. Gaps like where do they live?, parents? Beer? etc. are something audiences will overlook if you have good characters with a solid telling of their story. So I say focus on that. Besides, how many people watch hockey anyways? Not to be a dick, but unfortunately it is not as popular than any other sport. In fact I think more people watch Lecross than hockey.... Sad...
Conflict, as you and both Jennifer said, is easy. All you have to do is set up one (or one mob of) character(s) as an opposing team and presto, conflict!!!
Here are some strong possibilities.
NOW (Current draft) /// CONFLICT DRAFT
Intro banter: initialize chars. ADD IN: line or two of the upcoming game
Pro store: establishes rank and Andrew hurt ADD IN: Shop owner GIVING away free tape (& other minor things)
so the Cougars BEAT opposing team.
Restaurant: Est. more chars - pointless scene ADD IN: Instead of adding more Cougars, bring in the opposing team.
Have them make a scene in the restaurant. with Slow motion!!!!
Film scene: coach gets mad ADD IN: Stakes. Coach gets mad BECAUSE the Cougars CAN NOT LOSE TO THE DUCKS!!!!
End: build up, and let down ADD IN: The tension between the two teams at the puck drop.
I really hope this helps!!!! I think you have something good on your hands, but unfortunately you have to commercialize it and follow the formula :( Obviously, Mighty Ducks is a strong influence, but I encourage you to go back and write down how many times (when and where) they hype up the conflict before the third act. It will really help bring this thing together!
As mentioned before, introducing some of the opposing teams characters would be a great way you to make several of the scenes more interesting and add conflict. The age range I assumed was 18-21. I think there are lots of great moments in the script and your passion for hockey is apparent. There are lots of great moments to capture, and I see it playing out in a visually pleasing way. Shooting on the ice could pose some big challenges, particularly with electrics.
ReplyDeleteThe names could use some work. Ryan, Brian, Steven, Sam, and Andrew are all typical believable names, but they’re all too similar and every group of friends has at least one or two more peculiar names. Most of these characters still need some more fleshing out. Adding some motivating internal conflicts, as well as a tense confrontation with the opposing team days before the game I think could help immensely.
You could make the coach more interesting and 3 dimensional by establishing that some internal conflict or importance of game with the rival team as an instigating factor for wailing on Sam. Mis-channeled anger/frustration was the feeling I got from coach in the film scene.
This version of your story is much more fluid and interesting than the original draft. I think you lost a key source of conflict by dropping the cheating team captain’s girlfriend, although there are other ways to bring it back. I get a much stronger sense of the teams friendships in this draft, which makes them more likeable characters, but we need some to dislike too. Most of the dialogue worked for me, but needs some adjustments. I felt it was strange that Bruce called Brain rook, just like his friends, but maybe that’s common place, I’m not sure.
Roger raised some good concerns about the realism of the piece, which could pose a big concern it is to be expanded into a full season. From a short film standpoint, it’s not a big issue since must of your audience will not know the details of hockey juniors. Feed the audience what you want them to believe. Although, if you want hockey fans to enjoy the film and not nitpick, these issues should be addressed in a realistic way. It ends on an exciting and positive note. What if, for the sake of dramatic tension, the audience was clued in to an opposing team members conniving scheme to gain the upper hand in the game, through playing dirty/sabotage/or something of the like. The tension created by not knowing how that will play out could create a bigger cliffhanger, but it’s just a thought. I’m excited to see this project come to life. Talk to you soon!
Hey, Jeff! Jeff, that's your name, right? I remembered this time, haha!
ReplyDeleteWell, good job, man! I find you've improved on your script immensely. Shortter, straight to the point and yet somewhoe you retained that something that made your first draft really refreshing and entertaining. Umm, it's very clear that you know your hockey. I like that you don't really explain as to what your characters are doing, just makes the thing more intriguing. I do wanna say that it's simple, meaning there's really no conflict, whatsoever going on in this film. And at first, mainly through reading the first half, I was kinda waiting for something to happen and introduce us a dilemma of some sort. I was even thinking something really bad was going on with Andrew's health since you kinda build too much on it. But then, after reading it all, it kinda didn't bother me. It felt honest and rather cheerful and to have a movie like this every now and then is refreshing. I really liked your ending for it really makes me want to see what happens next. So yeah, I would say you have a successful piolot on your hands though for one of those having a conflict of some sort would be extremely crucial. For a short film, I belive, it plays just fine. That's just me, however, I don't know how else it may be for other people. But people do like conflict, a lot.
As far as script format goes, I would say to PLEASE give a decription, a short one, doesn't matter, but have one of your characters. I wanna know how the look, though I think I have a clear idea noting from the way they speak. Also, make you take a look at your seplling and overall grammar, it would just help us avoid getting distracted by minor things like that. Also, I like your dialogue. It sounds like you know what you're talking about, once again, but I feel you could go an extra inch on some of these scenes. For example, when coach is going off on Sam during the playbacks. Needs to be more gritty on the coaches side. Make the doctor sound like a doctor and stuff like that. I guess, just really research a little bit more on each and everyone of these characters and how they speak.
I'd say over all, you're doing a fine job. Maybe just one more revision or two and you'll be set to go! It's a feel-good, refrshing film or episode and i'm looking forward in seeing it!
This draft is much cleaner and much more concise. Just because of that, I think it is a really huge jump in progress. I still noticed a few minor formatting issues, but I don't want to really focus on that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nathan's comment about the names. My first thought was that "Ryan" and "Brian" are entirely too similar, and this could be a bit confusing. I agree with his point that some of the names could be more peculiar. A character's name, other than the character's appearance, is usually one of the first things the audience has to get to know the character. Maybe you could find names that better reflect personalities in clever or subtle ways. I agree that the names are too bland.
I would say that the dialogue is pretty expositional, but I think with television it is a bit easier to get away with this. Still, though, I think it needs some work. I found it hard to concentrate as a lot of it is pretty dialogue-heavy with not a lot of action. I am not very knowledgable with hockey, so I don't have a lot of feedback about your plot, but I do think the suggestion of showing opposing teams is strong. My main concern is what I already said about the dialogue. I hope that helps a little bit!
Also, I didn't see your journal, and I'm not 100% sure how helpful a journal would be to you as I think that you should be formatting your pre-production ideas and notes into a show bible. I think you should talk to Philip Taylor about that if you aren't super aware of the formatting of it. He could point you in the right direction, and I think that if you haven't already started the bible, it will be a great tool for figuring out your story/characters and showing to potential investors, etc. Good luck!
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have focused your film/pilot more which is helping you towards your overall goal.
However, I think I am still confused on what exactly you want to do. I can't tell if you want to write for a TV show or to make this as a way of leading it up to a TV series. If I am completely off base and you want to shoot this as something that is a dramatic movie, then we are left without resolution or even a true conflict. This is why I believe that you are making a TV series. I think that if that was clarified it would really help out your overall project.
If the writing is the case, I still believe that you need to write it out in a full hour long format because this is a dramatic series and it is really hard for this to be contained in a half hour area. Very few dramatic shows on television exist in a half-hour time space. I think if you were to give yourself the extra time in the script form that would really help. If not I would like to know with your journal, what your plan is for the future. What you have right now feels essentially like the halfway point of an episode.
Even with all of that, I think that you clearly have something that interests you in a hockey show. I think that you should do as some others suggested and take a look at the dialogue. I know that it is easily the hardest thing to do in writing but you should talk it out with someone or re-read it and try and shape it more towards the characters. They seem to just be telling us exactly what is going on without offering us a look really into who they are as a character.
As far as conflict goes, I don't really see any amongst the characters. I mean I get that Sam kinda sucks, and Brian is the rookie, but there doesn't seem to be much internal or even external conflict for anyone in the show. I think that you need to find something that keeps us interested from the very beginning. I think you really need to find something interesting to hook us from the start. I wasn't really sure where the story was heading in the beginning and you have to grab the reader from the beginning. I think you were on the right track in your last script as far as starting with something interesting and leading with the conflict. If you can find something along those lines to help grab the audience from the start then you can worry about the rest of the conflict as the story plays out.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteWhile I like how it ends now (from an episodic POV) part of me is still crying foul because we don't really get any hockey action. We see some practice and messing around, but we don't get to a real game until the very end, and then it just ends. It ends in a really good way, but at the same time I'm expecting it to be more around the lines of a commercial break than a flat out ending of the episode, and I'd have a hard time coming back to this show if the pilot for this show about hockey players didn't have them actually playing hockey in the first episode.
I think the major problem is that it's just hard to do the kind of project you're trying to do in a half-hour format. This really needs to be an hour long program if it's going to gel for a lot of people, and the main reason is balancing. It's good that you're establishing the characters as people outside of hockey so that we root for them when it comes down to the actual game, but we need to seem them established as hockey players too, and the best way to do that is to actually see them play.
On the issue of conflict, I really think it's because we don't really get any feeling as to who the protagonists are fighting. Obviously they're playing against another team, but we don't really get a feeling of antagonism from them. Again, I think this is stemmed from us not actually meeting anyone from that team and not seeing the game get down in full effect.
This really has a lot of potential, but it's too cramped when you try and make it 23 pages. You need to let it breath a lot more so audiences can get the payoff of actually seeing the game and getting to know the characters a bit. There's a lot to like here, but it feels incomplete.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI felt that this was a much cleaner version and was an easier read, however, I feel like you are missing the meat. There's not really any point in there that makes me say "I need to see the next episode" or I need to see what happens next. I think that hockey action would help but I want to know whats at stake for who and what is driving the plot. To me this reminds me of when I play sports in high school and that could be enough for some people, but for me I want to see success. I want to see the characters that struggle and are putting their heart into every moment. I think you need to set up a bit of character motivation and layout where you want each one to go or what you want them to face next. Also I think that once you clear up your intentions and such you'll be able to work from there, but I completely agree with Taurean in that I would love to see the 60 min. version because I think it'll be a win win situation. You'll get what you need out of lengthening it and if you want to take it down to 30 min, you'll have more to work from then what you have now. I really like what you have and I think they have great moments, but it all justs feels like filler, and I'm missing out on great content. Keep up the work, cause you are moving forward.
Sorry for the late response brew...
ReplyDeleteI really believe that you have made a huge leap from your previous script... And that your heading in the right direction. I think you just need to know what that direction is. It seems that you have a coming of age story building here in the form of a television series so I think the most important thing to focus on is character arcs. Where do you want each of these characters to be headed in the coming episodes? I think that answering this question will help you to build each of their internal and external conflicts in the first episode... Because as of now there doesn't really seem to be any.
I think Ricky made a good point in terms of the conflict... We don't have an antagonist in the series yet... And because of that, we have no reason to to believe that these young brochachos (age?) aren't going to succeed. Regardless, you have made a huge amount of progress since your last deliverable... Keep it up. I'm excited to see where this goes.