I know this is a little weird, but I wanted to take a moment to explain why the script I included in my dev cycle is the second episode rather than the first (or first AND second). As it stands, episodes one and two in my mind are pretty much two sides of the same coin, and would hopefully be put back to back with one another if they aired on television. I knew where I needed to go to get from episode one to episode two, but filling in the between time was a bit harder. So, rather than sit around with writer's block, I decided to write what I knew: the conflict in the second half of the premiere. Along with that, I've spent a lot of time working on the bible for this show, which is currently in a less than tangible stage for me to really present.
In terms of understanding story, I think the main things I need to explain are two characters: Brand and Lex. Lex is the same age as Delvin and Diana, and a close friend to the two of them. However, he is much more head strong and prideful, unwilling to walk away from a fight on general principle.
Brand is the king's steward, and main military commander. An ox of a man, he stands about three men abreast and is over seven feet in height. He prefers to fight unarmed.
Sorry about all of this. In the future I'll have more scripts submitted in the delivery cycles along with my bible. Hurray for lots of reading...
So I know you said that this script is part two of one but I think this script is much better than the first and where you should really start the story. It might be a little confusing but I like stories that don't introduce every character in the first episode… it just tends to slow things down and detract from the real story…I also think you can learn about each character in alternating episodes in a way that makes it redundant to put it all into the first episode… Think if it like "Lost," you need to keep watching in order to learn about all of the characters, but there's enough interesting plot points in each episode that keeps you coming back every week. That's what I think you have with this script…you don't REALLY know every character but you know who the main few are and you can tell what their relationship is with one another and the story is very captivating without knowing a whole lot (I hope that made sense).
In terms of your journal, I think you have a very good idea about where you want to go with this and like I said in Tyler's comments, what you see comes across in the script. I think you should really consider making this your first script and let the story flesh out/catch up from here on out.
I hope you found this useful and I can't wait to read the next episode!
Not getting a whole lot of visualization out of your journal. I think this would help someone like me (who is not super familiar with animation, or television for that matter) to get into your story more. Are you writing a TV Bible? Ultimately, I think that would help you quite a bit, both in writing and in pitching/selling your series. I'd love to see what you come up with in that format.
As for your script, I had a little bit of a hard time following as it felt pretty dialogue heavy to me at times. There are some great moments of action, but there were a lot of times that I felt the dialogue could be cut down. I agree, though, with Jennifer that you really could start the story here. Give that some thought. I think with a TV Bible you could flesh out what you are trying to accomplish with the season and then from that point decide what belongs in the first episode.
Overall, good progress. You are doing something I could never do, and regardless of the minor I have, I am very impressed with your work so far.
Dialogue is definitely heavy and could be cut at points. Remember this is a visual show and the audience can see and understand events instead of hearing them or needed to have dialogue to portray an event. I do like the idea of understanding who the characters are using later episodes to develop the characters and put them in situations to where the audience can either relate or understand who that character really is. It is good to distinguish main characters from say supporting characters, so if you need to do that to have audiences understand who plays what role in the show, that could help as well. Doing good!
I like it, and want to say that I think that seeing this play out the dialogue doesn't seem like too much of a problem because I could see it going a lot faster on screen and not being so heavy. i would like to see more and I think the best advice I can give you as far as the writing goes, is reread and look for some moments that might feel a little choppy and make it flow a little better. Also look for a few grammatical errors cause I saw a few. I think this is a strong episode and it definitely left at a good place. Keep it up and I'm anxious to see more.
I think the visuals speak for themselves and I see what style you are going for fairly clearly and it is not hard to imagine what your going after. Just keep giving us more material because it'd be nice to see more of this project as a whole and start tying it together.
Sorry for the late post... but, better late than never.
Okay, first off, "WHOLE" is like having a WHOLE pizza in the oven. "HOLE" is, there is a HOLE in castle Adler wall. I know its silly, but it could make or break your script!! And it appears twice making me assume it wasn't merely a typo.
Second, The ending.... EXCELLENT.... except, after the point where IT SHOULD END (right after Vector's dialogue "this is just the beginning") you include a scene where three are running through the woods. Get rid of it!!! End on your high note! End with Vector's dialogue.
As for the meat of your story, I think it is excellent! Listen to your instincts about how much dialogue vs how much action you offer. I know that you have seen far more animated works than probably the entire class combined, so if anyone knows the format it is you. I did not think the dialogue was "too heavy" and as Ty said, I see it playing out very quick and snappy, making it quicker seen than read. Also, I did not feel like your dialogue suffered from being too expositional which is GREAT. It is well written and gives the characters their richness.
That being said, on about page 5-8 (within the first third) I was noticed that I was looking for more description; maybe just a line or two more once in a while. I felt there was some opportunities you are missing, and maybe that is what K-Mo and JJ are saying. I believe that even though your script runs at 22 pages, you could add another 2-3 pages (here and there) of description and you would still have a 22 minute episode. Reading this draft, I would venture to say animators would have to struggle to stretch this the 22 minutes. Now, I also understand that you do not want to ruin the animators imagination of what Castle Adler COULD look like and that is why you don't specify, but I think having just a LITTLE BIT MORE description of the Castle, the characters, and even the mood could help create a better story, which in turn would make animator's imaginations run wild.
I think you have found a craft you enjoy and are good at Ricky, and that is a real treat to have. Great Job.
Hey everyone,
ReplyDeleteI know this is a little weird, but I wanted to take a moment to explain why the script I included in my dev cycle is the second episode rather than the first (or first AND second). As it stands, episodes one and two in my mind are pretty much two sides of the same coin, and would hopefully be put back to back with one another if they aired on television. I knew where I needed to go to get from episode one to episode two, but filling in the between time was a bit harder. So, rather than sit around with writer's block, I decided to write what I knew: the conflict in the second half of the premiere. Along with that, I've spent a lot of time working on the bible for this show, which is currently in a less than tangible stage for me to really present.
In terms of understanding story, I think the main things I need to explain are two characters: Brand and Lex. Lex is the same age as Delvin and Diana, and a close friend to the two of them. However, he is much more head strong and prideful, unwilling to walk away from a fight on general principle.
Brand is the king's steward, and main military commander. An ox of a man, he stands about three men abreast and is over seven feet in height. He prefers to fight unarmed.
Sorry about all of this. In the future I'll have more scripts submitted in the delivery cycles along with my bible. Hurray for lots of reading...
So I know you said that this script is part two of one but I think this script is much better than the first and where you should really start the story. It might be a little confusing but I like stories that don't introduce every character in the first episode… it just tends to slow things down and detract from the real story…I also think you can learn about each character in alternating episodes in a way that makes it redundant to put it all into the first episode… Think if it like "Lost," you need to keep watching in order to learn about all of the characters, but there's enough interesting plot points in each episode that keeps you coming back every week. That's what I think you have with this script…you don't REALLY know every character but you know who the main few are and you can tell what their relationship is with one another and the story is very captivating without knowing a whole lot (I hope that made sense).
ReplyDeleteIn terms of your journal, I think you have a very good idea about where you want to go with this and like I said in Tyler's comments, what you see comes across in the script. I think you should really consider making this your first script and let the story flesh out/catch up from here on out.
I hope you found this useful and I can't wait to read the next episode!
Ricky,
ReplyDeleteNot getting a whole lot of visualization out of your journal. I think this would help someone like me (who is not super familiar with animation, or television for that matter) to get into your story more. Are you writing a TV Bible? Ultimately, I think that would help you quite a bit, both in writing and in pitching/selling your series. I'd love to see what you come up with in that format.
As for your script, I had a little bit of a hard time following as it felt pretty dialogue heavy to me at times. There are some great moments of action, but there were a lot of times that I felt the dialogue could be cut down. I agree, though, with Jennifer that you really could start the story here. Give that some thought. I think with a TV Bible you could flesh out what you are trying to accomplish with the season and then from that point decide what belongs in the first episode.
Overall, good progress. You are doing something I could never do, and regardless of the minor I have, I am very impressed with your work so far.
Dialogue is definitely heavy and could be cut at points. Remember this is a visual show and the audience can see and understand events instead of hearing them or needed to have dialogue to portray an event. I do like the idea of understanding who the characters are using later episodes to develop the characters and put them in situations to where the audience can either relate or understand who that character really is. It is good to distinguish main characters from say supporting characters, so if you need to do that to have audiences understand who plays what role in the show, that could help as well. Doing good!
ReplyDeleteRicky,
ReplyDeleteI like it, and want to say that I think that seeing this play out the dialogue doesn't seem like too much of a problem because I could see it going a lot faster on screen and not being so heavy. i would like to see more and I think the best advice I can give you as far as the writing goes, is reread and look for some moments that might feel a little choppy and make it flow a little better. Also look for a few grammatical errors cause I saw a few. I think this is a strong episode and it definitely left at a good place. Keep it up and I'm anxious to see more.
I think the visuals speak for themselves and I see what style you are going for fairly clearly and it is not hard to imagine what your going after. Just keep giving us more material because it'd be nice to see more of this project as a whole and start tying it together.
Ricky,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late post... but, better late than never.
Okay, first off, "WHOLE" is like having a WHOLE pizza in the oven. "HOLE" is, there is a HOLE in castle Adler wall. I know its silly, but it could make or break your script!! And it appears twice making me assume it wasn't merely a typo.
Second, The ending.... EXCELLENT.... except, after the point where IT SHOULD END (right after Vector's dialogue "this is just the beginning") you include a scene where three are running through the woods. Get rid of it!!! End on your high note! End with Vector's dialogue.
As for the meat of your story, I think it is excellent! Listen to your instincts about how much dialogue vs how much action you offer. I know that you have seen far more animated works than probably the entire class combined, so if anyone knows the format it is you. I did not think the dialogue was "too heavy" and as Ty said, I see it playing out very quick and snappy, making it quicker seen than read. Also, I did not feel like your dialogue suffered from being too expositional which is GREAT. It is well written and gives the characters their richness.
That being said, on about page 5-8 (within the first third) I was noticed that I was looking for more description; maybe just a line or two more once in a while. I felt there was some opportunities you are missing, and maybe that is what K-Mo and JJ are saying. I believe that even though your script runs at 22 pages, you could add another 2-3 pages (here and there) of description and you would still have a 22 minute episode. Reading this draft, I would venture to say animators would have to struggle to stretch this the 22 minutes. Now, I also understand that you do not want to ruin the animators imagination of what Castle Adler COULD look like and that is why you don't specify, but I think having just a LITTLE BIT MORE description of the Castle, the characters, and even the mood could help create a better story, which in turn would make animator's imaginations run wild.
I think you have found a craft you enjoy and are good at Ricky, and that is a real treat to have. Great Job.