"The Stranger" might be a good title. It could refer to Alec, THE MAN character from the flashbacks (which I am assuming he was the ex boyfriend who got her preggers) and God.
Gellie, this is going to be short and to the point because I accidently refreshed this page instead of opening a new tab and I have re-type EVERYTHING... So here it goes...
I like your original script better. It seemed more dramatic (in terms of twists and reveals of character), and was shorter.
BUT... I do like this draft too! It is VERY OBVIOUS that you have more of a clear idea as to where you want this story to go. As if you had an idea during your first draft, then developed it more this draft. I appreciate that as it is something I am still struggling with on the Honorless.
Now, I think all you need to do is start cutting. Trim this bad boy up! IT CAN NOT be more than 20 pages!!!!! Or 20 mins of screen time. I don't care if your script is 30 pages, just make sure that the dialogue is fast paced, or the montages are quick so that this runs 15-20 mins. 18 is PERFECT!!
Obviously, like myself you have some HUGE DIALOGUE ISSUES, but I wouldn't be too concerned about that. If you get your actors together for rehearsal early enough, they will spruce it up based off of their personalities and speaking habits. The IDEA is there and that's all that matters.
I know you wanted to delve into a religious film, and I would NEVER tell you not to, but I really do think I should say "just be carful," Tread lightly," and any other similar catch phrase. Your first draft HINTED at a religious tone, this draft might as well SLAP THE AUDIENCE IN THE FACE WITH A BIBLE it is so thick! I really think you would do well to lean more to the hinting side. It will be less preachy for the audience, and will allow for us to use the "INSERT RELIGION HERE" method.
I hope this helps Gellie! Really good work, even if it was like 30 hours late :)
Hey Gellie, I think that this script has a clearer and more conclusive ending, and I like that, however, I felt there were too many twists and turns, and things going on that made the story seem too dramatic and I felt like it was too typical. I didn't believe that she would be soo upset that he was a Buddhist. I know that he didn't explain everything to her, but that moment didn't feel real and I felt like she was over reacting. I know there was more to just him being a different religion and he made it seem like he was something else but I didn't feel the trust that she said she had in him. It felt like they were still in the stage of getting to know each other and her character's past was very dramatic, so she has a hard time letting anyone in. What I liked about the last script was that there was a connection and there was some kind of gravity between the characters that doesn't exist between these two. I'll be honest that when he takes her to a bar that plays all christian music, I found it could be easily comical, and the audience won't really take it as serious as it is suppose to be.
I thought all the scenes between the mother and Francis were over dramatized, especially when Alec is over. I found that she wouldn't have been soo upfront to Francis, so this moment also felt untrue.
There's a lot of things I liked in this script. One thing in particular that I found myself liking was the interaction with the mom, because of how confrontational she was and just overall not really being a good mother.
One problem I have is the religious angle. It's not a bad thing in and of itself, but I feel the conflict from it comes across a little late. I think she would have found out about it earlier than she did in their relationship because it's an odd thing to have not bring up at all, and at the same time, it seems that if she found out at a reasonable time in her relationship her exploding like she did isn't justifiable. I know that inter-faith relationships can be a bit of a strain and difficult to make work but this is quite extreme behavior.
Regarding the length, I'm not so worried about the length of the story so much as I am the pacing. After the reveal of Alec's Buddhism, the pace is kicked into high gear and it feels very uneven to me. I think more than worrying about the overall length of the project, I think you need to focus more on cutting things out of the first act and adding more to the third act so things don't feel so rushed.
I really did enjoy your story a lot. I felt it was like a blockbuster hit in a way or a summer video that comes out. It is nice, that it isn’t really so much about love, but more about a relationship people have with one another. At first we need to get the sense that Francis is open to talking to whoever and is outgoing. I think she should be more hesitant talking to Alec of the bat; she seems like the type of girl, who thinks everyone is out to get her and she is very shy and wants to keep to her self. Alec should have to do something or say something that earns her trust, because we find out later in the story about her past and how she hasn’t opened up to anyone in the last four years.
I don’t really understand the beginning of the story that well and the beginning flashbacks. I liked the “bar” scene, thought that was really good. As far as the taxi driver, in that state she is very vulnerable and gives right in to listening to the taxi driver. The taxi driver needs to earn her trust, and he is very wise for just driving a taxi, so many include in his back-story of how he became a taxi driver and why he is doing it.
I thought the fight scene was well done and it was well paced. I think Francis should have a moment of realization that Alec was only trying to help her and that she had been happier than ever before and actually opened up to someone that she hadn’t done in a while. Have this moment before she goes to meet him on the rooftop. Good start and you have a lot of great dialogue and scene here.
So everyone seems to be touching on what I would have said. There are two things I want to repeat though: 1) Dialogue - especially with the mother…it just didn't feel right/natural. And 2) Cut this baby down! I think one things you can afford to lose without hurting the story are the flashbacks of Francis and the guy that knocked her up. They do absolutely nothing for me and they only make sense after the conversation with her mother, but nothing about them really moves the story forward so I would say you could afford to lose them.
I think Brew for You is an interesting title. It sort of gives a message about personal growth, which relates to your film. You many wish to go with one of those trendy one word titles though. I have a really hard time deciding on titles, so I would recommend making a list of options, and ask others for their thoughts.
To be frank, I’m not religious and am really skeptical of any film offering religion as the key to success or personal/spiritual satisfaction as the main theme of the film. That being said, I love a lot of movies exploring religious themes and the many interesting religious characters in both dramatic and comedic films. I think you run the risk of offending or displeasing a large part of a theater audience if you press inject to much of any faith based ideals, unless it’s really subtle. All things considered you did this pretty well. I like how she resolves her spiritual struggle while opening herself up to a new relationship. I’m not sure how this happens exactly for her. Must be the music.
I thought you handled your films themes well up until I read the cab drivers dialogue. Way to over the top with the religious message for my tastes. I think it would better serve the story if he offered friendship/relationship advice of sorts, which lead her to giving Alec a second change. This way she still rekindles her faith, yet it is not the crux of the story.
I like that Alec doesn’t seem as pushy with the whole connecting to faith thing in this draft. This, to me, makes him seem a lot less creepy and more like the kind and caring person you intend for him to be. His occupation as a blogger was a great modern touch, and I think it definitely helped strengthen your ending.
The story flows much better without all the V.O. and meeting her mother was a pleasant surprise. Like others mentioned, the interactions between the two did seem a little over the top. Her attitude towards Francis is about spot on, but felt to extreme when she comes to visit and sees Alec. She didn’t even give him a chance to see if he was a decent guy, which I felt was odd. Perhaps, add a touch of motherly love to her while retaining the stern concern she has for her daughter. What did she show up for at the house anyhow? She just ripped on her daughter and dipped out.
Hey Gellie, sorry my feedback is late... I didn't see your script in the folder until yesterday afternoon. Anyway, still wanted to give you some feedback.
I agree with the comments that dialogue is unnatural. For example, page 4 - it seems unnatural that Francis would offer up information that the bracelet is from Mexico, specifically at a street stand next to a church. Such a minute detail that someone wouldn't say to a stranger at all. It seems obvious that dialogue such as that is just to get the story moving. Unless you have a phenomenal actress who can make any quirky thing Francis says sound convincing, I think you'll be in trouble. Also, I really don't think voice overs suit your story well. They seem like easy ways to get Francis' emotions across, as well as Alec's at the end, and they end up communicating a lot of cliches. Let's see if you can get the same things conveyed with actions or facial expressions, or even dialogue if you have to. But I do think you run the risk of it just feeling false as it is now.
I honestly don't believe the dialogue about the pregnancy (page 15-16). It seems very expositional and forced that Francis is talking about it. Can you think of ways to more creatively yet also realistically bring about this knowledge about Francis' past? The same goes for the reveal at the end about Alec's religion and Francis' reaction (beginning on page 18). You may not need less scenes to trim your script down, but less is more with dialogue. Right now, everything you say with your film is conveyed with words. You will not have a very cinematic piece this way with 25 minutes of talking heads.
As it is now, I think Alec is a very flat character. We see Francis' flaws quite a bit, but then again where do we see why she is at all attractive to Alec? Why does he even want to talk to her? This may be in the casting. As the script reads, she is just a pessimist who doesn't like her job or want to talk to new people, at least in the beginning. Why would he pursue her? If you cast a beautiful girl, that's an easy way to justify that a little bit, but I think you could strengthen Francis by making her more complex- with both good and bad qualities that are apparent from the start. Back to Alec, we don't really see his flaws at all. He can't be some perfect guy who just wants to go out of his way to help a stranger. What about him makes him complex and interesting? I don't really see that in the script.
Also, I know you mentioned in person to me that you may change the location from a coffee shop to a boba shop. Are you still considering this? It could be a good way to get a little bit away from the cliche aspects of your script. However, I think the number one thing is working on the dialogue and (in my opinion) eliminating the voice overs to do that.
Also, I know you're still editing your script, but I think you should upload a journal. I don't want you to fall too behind by working on your script and not doing any preproduction, especially because I don't know when you're planning on shooting. I think you should start casting as soon as you nail down a decently solid draft. You will need actors who are very talented to make this feel believable. I casted one of my leads about two weeks ago and the other this week, and trust me that working with them this early is so great, just talking about the character and letting them get to know the characters months before shooting. I think with your characters, you will really benefit from a similar format. The earlier actors begin to explore Francis and Alec, the more honest your film will be as, like my film, yours is very much so based on the interactions between your two leads.
Hi Gellie! Good job! I like your writing style, it sounds honest and clear.
My favorite scenes are the karaoke and the taxi driver scenes. These two scenes have a lot of potential and you can include also a lot of humor if you wish it.
About the opening scene with the coin, I wasn’t very satisfied. I know it works as a motif but honestly it is too cheesy for my taste. I think you do not really need the first act. I would start with the Karaoke scene and you can add some of their background just for the way they behave with each other. DO you know what I mean?
The relationship between Francis and her mom really works for me. I can easily see that. On the other hand, the “fighting scene” between Alec and Francis seems too soft for having that reaction on her, although I can understand Francis, after being “abandoned” by her past boyfriend and has lost her baby, she can have some kind of trauma that makes her “over react” when she realizes he is going to leave; but I do not think it has anything to do with the religion. She just does not want to be alone again. If you really want to keep the conflict close to a religious cause, you should make Alec be more critical with other religious views, maybe he can make a comment under estimating other religious group or something, but I think you do not need it. The conflict is mainly because Francis is scared to lose him. I hope it makes sense.
Overall it sounds good, what I like about your story is that even though you give importance to their religious “tendencies” you leave it in a “second place” prioritizing the character relations, the corporal ones than the spiritual. I do not know if it was your intention, but I like that.
Gellie? Where your script be? I wanna read it!
ReplyDeleteOk, now it's up :) sorry, I changed so much in it :P
DeleteAny ideas for a title? :)
ReplyDelete"The Stranger" might be a good title. It could refer to Alec, THE MAN character from the flashbacks (which I am assuming he was the ex boyfriend who got her preggers) and God.
ReplyDeleteGellie, this is going to be short and to the point because I accidently refreshed this page instead of opening a new tab and I have re-type EVERYTHING... So here it goes...
I like your original script better. It seemed more dramatic (in terms of twists and reveals of character), and was shorter.
BUT... I do like this draft too! It is VERY OBVIOUS that you have more of a clear idea as to where you want this story to go. As if you had an idea during your first draft, then developed it more this draft. I appreciate that as it is something I am still struggling with on the Honorless.
Now, I think all you need to do is start cutting. Trim this bad boy up! IT CAN NOT be more than 20 pages!!!!! Or 20 mins of screen time. I don't care if your script is 30 pages, just make sure that the dialogue is fast paced, or the montages are quick so that this runs 15-20 mins. 18 is PERFECT!!
Obviously, like myself you have some HUGE DIALOGUE ISSUES, but I wouldn't be too concerned about that. If you get your actors together for rehearsal early enough, they will spruce it up based off of their personalities and speaking habits. The IDEA is there and that's all that matters.
I know you wanted to delve into a religious film, and I would NEVER tell you not to, but I really do think I should say "just be carful," Tread lightly," and any other similar catch phrase. Your first draft HINTED at a religious tone, this draft might as well SLAP THE AUDIENCE IN THE FACE WITH A BIBLE it is so thick! I really think you would do well to lean more to the hinting side. It will be less preachy for the audience, and will allow for us to use the "INSERT RELIGION HERE" method.
I hope this helps Gellie! Really good work, even if it was like 30 hours late :)
Hey Gellie,
ReplyDeleteI think that this script has a clearer and more conclusive ending, and I like that, however, I felt there were too many twists and turns, and things going on that made the story seem too dramatic and I felt like it was too typical. I didn't believe that she would be soo upset that he was a Buddhist. I know that he didn't explain everything to her, but that moment didn't feel real and I felt like she was over reacting. I know there was more to just him being a different religion and he made it seem like he was something else but I didn't feel the trust that she said she had in him. It felt like they were still in the stage of getting to know each other and her character's past was very dramatic, so she has a hard time letting anyone in. What I liked about the last script was that there was a connection and there was some kind of gravity between the characters that doesn't exist between these two. I'll be honest that when he takes her to a bar that plays all christian music, I found it could be easily comical, and the audience won't really take it as serious as it is suppose to be.
I thought all the scenes between the mother and Francis were over dramatized, especially when Alec is over. I found that she wouldn't have been soo upfront to Francis, so this moment also felt untrue.
Hey Gellie
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of things I liked in this script. One thing in particular that I found myself liking was the interaction with the mom, because of how confrontational she was and just overall not really being a good mother.
One problem I have is the religious angle. It's not a bad thing in and of itself, but I feel the conflict from it comes across a little late. I think she would have found out about it earlier than she did in their relationship because it's an odd thing to have not bring up at all, and at the same time, it seems that if she found out at a reasonable time in her relationship her exploding like she did isn't justifiable. I know that inter-faith relationships can be a bit of a strain and difficult to make work but this is quite extreme behavior.
Regarding the length, I'm not so worried about the length of the story so much as I am the pacing. After the reveal of Alec's Buddhism, the pace is kicked into high gear and it feels very uneven to me. I think more than worrying about the overall length of the project, I think you need to focus more on cutting things out of the first act and adding more to the third act so things don't feel so rushed.
I hope this helps
I really did enjoy your story a lot. I felt it was like a blockbuster hit in a way or a summer video that comes out. It is nice, that it isn’t really so much about love, but more about a relationship people have with one another. At first we need to get the sense that Francis is open to talking to whoever and is outgoing. I think she should be more hesitant talking to Alec of the bat; she seems like the type of girl, who thinks everyone is out to get her and she is very shy and wants to keep to her self. Alec should have to do something or say something that earns her trust, because we find out later in the story about her past and how she hasn’t opened up to anyone in the last four years.
ReplyDeleteI don’t really understand the beginning of the story that well and the beginning flashbacks. I liked the “bar” scene, thought that was really good. As far as the taxi driver, in that state she is very vulnerable and gives right in to listening to the taxi driver. The taxi driver needs to earn her trust, and he is very wise for just driving a taxi, so many include in his back-story of how he became a taxi driver and why he is doing it.
I thought the fight scene was well done and it was well paced. I think Francis should have a moment of realization that Alec was only trying to help her and that she had been happier than ever before and actually opened up to someone that she hadn’t done in a while. Have this moment before she goes to meet him on the rooftop. Good start and you have a lot of great dialogue and scene here.
So everyone seems to be touching on what I would have said. There are two things I want to repeat though: 1) Dialogue - especially with the mother…it just didn't feel right/natural. And 2) Cut this baby down! I think one things you can afford to lose without hurting the story are the flashbacks of Francis and the guy that knocked her up. They do absolutely nothing for me and they only make sense after the conversation with her mother, but nothing about them really moves the story forward so I would say you could afford to lose them.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps! And where is your journal?
I think Brew for You is an interesting title. It sort of gives a message about personal growth, which relates to your film. You many wish to go with one of those trendy one word titles though. I have a really hard time deciding on titles, so I would recommend making a list of options, and ask others for their thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTo be frank, I’m not religious and am really skeptical of any film offering religion as the key to success or personal/spiritual satisfaction as the main theme of the film. That being said, I love a lot of movies exploring religious themes and the many interesting religious characters in both dramatic and comedic films. I think you run the risk of offending or displeasing a large part of a theater audience if you press inject to much of any faith based ideals, unless it’s really subtle. All things considered you did this pretty well. I like how she resolves her spiritual struggle while opening herself up to a new relationship. I’m not sure how this happens exactly for her. Must be the music.
I thought you handled your films themes well up until I read the cab drivers dialogue. Way to over the top with the religious message for my tastes. I think it would better serve the story if he offered friendship/relationship advice of sorts, which lead her to giving Alec a second change. This way she still rekindles her faith, yet it is not the crux of the story.
I like that Alec doesn’t seem as pushy with the whole connecting to faith thing in this draft. This, to me, makes him seem a lot less creepy and more like the kind and caring person you intend for him to be. His occupation as a blogger was a great modern touch, and I think it definitely helped strengthen your ending.
The story flows much better without all the V.O. and meeting her mother was a pleasant surprise. Like others mentioned, the interactions between the two did seem a little over the top. Her attitude towards Francis is about spot on, but felt to extreme when she comes to visit and sees Alec. She didn’t even give him a chance to see if he was a decent guy, which I felt was odd. Perhaps, add a touch of motherly love to her while retaining the stern concern she has for her daughter. What did she show up for at the house anyhow? She just ripped on her daughter and dipped out.
It a good step forward.
Hey Gellie, sorry my feedback is late... I didn't see your script in the folder until yesterday afternoon. Anyway, still wanted to give you some feedback.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments that dialogue is unnatural. For example, page 4 - it seems unnatural that Francis would offer up information that the bracelet is from Mexico, specifically at a street stand next to a church. Such a minute detail that someone wouldn't say to a stranger at all. It seems obvious that dialogue such as that is just to get the story moving. Unless you have a phenomenal actress who can make any quirky thing Francis says sound convincing, I think you'll be in trouble. Also, I really don't think voice overs suit your story well. They seem like easy ways to get Francis' emotions across, as well as Alec's at the end, and they end up communicating a lot of cliches. Let's see if you can get the same things conveyed with actions or facial expressions, or even dialogue if you have to. But I do think you run the risk of it just feeling false as it is now.
I honestly don't believe the dialogue about the pregnancy (page 15-16). It seems very expositional and forced that Francis is talking about it. Can you think of ways to more creatively yet also realistically bring about this knowledge about Francis' past? The same goes for the reveal at the end about Alec's religion and Francis' reaction (beginning on page 18). You may not need less scenes to trim your script down, but less is more with dialogue. Right now, everything you say with your film is conveyed with words. You will not have a very cinematic piece this way with 25 minutes of talking heads.
As it is now, I think Alec is a very flat character. We see Francis' flaws quite a bit, but then again where do we see why she is at all attractive to Alec? Why does he even want to talk to her? This may be in the casting. As the script reads, she is just a pessimist who doesn't like her job or want to talk to new people, at least in the beginning. Why would he pursue her? If you cast a beautiful girl, that's an easy way to justify that a little bit, but I think you could strengthen Francis by making her more complex- with both good and bad qualities that are apparent from the start. Back to Alec, we don't really see his flaws at all. He can't be some perfect guy who just wants to go out of his way to help a stranger. What about him makes him complex and interesting? I don't really see that in the script.
Also, I know you mentioned in person to me that you may change the location from a coffee shop to a boba shop. Are you still considering this? It could be a good way to get a little bit away from the cliche aspects of your script. However, I think the number one thing is working on the dialogue and (in my opinion) eliminating the voice overs to do that.
Also, I know you're still editing your script, but I think you should upload a journal. I don't want you to fall too behind by working on your script and not doing any preproduction, especially because I don't know when you're planning on shooting. I think you should start casting as soon as you nail down a decently solid draft. You will need actors who are very talented to make this feel believable. I casted one of my leads about two weeks ago and the other this week, and trust me that working with them this early is so great, just talking about the character and letting them get to know the characters months before shooting. I think with your characters, you will really benefit from a similar format. The earlier actors begin to explore Francis and Alec, the more honest your film will be as, like my film, yours is very much so based on the interactions between your two leads.
Hi Gellie!
ReplyDeleteGood job! I like your writing style, it sounds honest and clear.
My favorite scenes are the karaoke and the taxi driver scenes. These two scenes have a lot of potential and you can include also a lot of humor if you wish it.
About the opening scene with the coin, I wasn’t very satisfied. I know it works as a motif but honestly it is too cheesy for my taste. I think you do not really need the first act. I would start with the Karaoke scene and you can add some of their background just for the way they behave with each other. DO you know what I mean?
The relationship between Francis and her mom really works for me. I can easily see that. On the other hand, the “fighting scene” between Alec and Francis seems too soft for having that reaction on her, although I can understand Francis, after being “abandoned” by her past boyfriend and has lost her baby, she can have some kind of trauma that makes her “over react” when she realizes he is going to leave; but I do not think it has anything to do with the religion. She just does not want to be alone again. If you really want to keep the conflict close to a religious cause, you should make Alec be more critical with other religious views, maybe he can make a comment under estimating other religious group or something, but I think you do not need it. The conflict is mainly because Francis is scared to lose him. I hope it makes sense.
Overall it sounds good, what I like about your story is that even though you give importance to their religious “tendencies” you leave it in a “second place” prioritizing the character relations, the corporal ones than the spiritual. I do not know if it was your intention, but I like that.
See you tomorrow, and we can discuss it deeper.
Pulp Fiction Taxi driver scene.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7rkRVTKUWM