Hi Gellie! Well, I'm sorry that I'm so late (or early) but I read your script this morning (didn't get home til late last night...
Overall (and semi brief): I like it. Even though Francis is a grinch, I kind of like her.
I think you are clear on the "Moral" or "Theme" of your story which is good, and the end is solid.
Things you need to work on,
Dialogue: HAHAHA Listen to me! The coal calling the kettle black. But you do need to touch it up a bit.
Gap in logic: For me this is a gap, but maybe you should ask other guys too, but if some girl is a total bitch to me the LAST THING I am going to do is chase her down to try to win her over. It throws your entire plot off course. Maybe you could have Francis be slightly less mean to Alec, so he actually would want to unwrap the baggage that surrounds her.
Sorry for being so late, ad I really hope this helps. If not, lets discuss later! Good Work.
So as of this moment I’ve only read up to page 6 and while I was initially worried I’m really starting to like your script. I can understand where you’re character is coming from and she’s very relatable. As you know I work in a coffee shop and the 3 characters you just described (the man in the suit, the soccer mom who thinks the shop is a freaking McDonald’s, and the stupid ass teenagers) you nailed! If you have any questions about the coffee shop give me a call I’d love to help and I can get you numbers to call people in order to use one of our shops if you don’t already have a location…
Okay so NOW I’ve finished reading you script and I must say it’s very good. Some of the dialogue needs a bit of work but I think it’s a solid first draft. One of the only issues I have is how quickly Francis begins to trust Alec. Maybe show a little more skepticism before her realization at the bar and I think you’ll be good on that part. I’m not a fan of their first meeting because I think Francis’s is a bit too harsh especially when she’s at work…the customer is always right even when they’re not and you have to fake a smile even when you want to throw their coffee back at them.
If her character is a supposed to be cunning or witty and not full on mean then I suggest you switch up the dialogue a bit. If you're not sure how to do that then I suggest you watch a few episodes of "Two Broke Girls." It’s more comical than a drama, but while I was reading you screenplay (and without seeing your journal) this seems to be the direction you are headed in serious but with light moments...nothing too dark...I hope that makes sense! ;)
That was a fast read. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. But anyway, I think you have a story that has a lot of potential in terms of exploring human emotion. But I feel there's something missing. I'm not gonna lie to you, cause your;e my friend and I wanna see you do great, but I did not like Francis, like at all. I felt like she complained too much and didn't really see a strong enough reason for her to "change". The stakes, the stales, the stakes. I hate that word but I just didn't feel like the conflict was strong enough. I am confused as to why she constantly asks herself what she is in the beginning. Ok, she's trying to find herself. But, does she REALLY not know "what" she is. Does it really matter? I guess to her it does, but to me I say, forget about it girl. Move on. I would like to see more of how her family treats her and how her friends treat her and why she dropped out. Right nowher life is dull, but man if she thinks that's a hard life than she's in for a big surprise. I'm sorry, i'm sounding very harsh, I know. But I just want to let you know why I didn't connect with Francis. I did, however, like Alec. Alec, famous name, no?? Haha! But...he just feels unlikely. Bottom line, he was just trying to get with her. So, I don't know whether he was being honest. I know you're planning to change some things. I would like to know! Great start, but I know if you fix some things it can ultimately turn being one of the best caps!
First of all, I love that you hand wrote your journal! I hand write all of my scripts before typing them. There's just something beautiful about that process to me, and for some reason I feel like seeing how people hand write things reveals their personality in a way, which is helpful for something like this!
Secondly, I love that your intention is not to convert people. I think that is the number one way to turn people off of faith in general, is to be too forceful, and I feel like your film does a good job of getting people to think about the topic without forcing views on them.
I do not really think the voiceovers work that well. I think you can show these things without using voiceovers to tell them. For the most part, it feels more like a cop out than a stylistic choice.
Overall, I really like the moral of your story. I think the dialogue could use some work, but the premises you put the character in are interesting. Also, the interactions between Francis and Alec remind me of a script I almost used for my 300 film- it's about a college dropout working at a coffee shop who is grieving the loss of her mother. Her name is Alexa, and a customer at the coffee shop, Ryan, helps her to find a more optimistic view of life. I think I'm going to email you that script and maybe you will find elements of it that you like. It doesn't have the faith element, but I do see some similarities in premise, tone, character, and theme. Let me know if you like anything from it, and maybe I can help you with your script!
Also, Gold Bar Espresso offered to let me use their coffee shop for free when I was going to shoot this film before I decided to change to a different script so you should go talk to them when you're looking for locations. It's a beautiful place!
I really was starting to like the story up until Alec came into it. I felt like Francis was just really looking for an escape and then one just shows up and it's happily ever after. I think she needs to have more at stake especially with the decision she makes to follow him. I think that even though she isn't enjoying her life, it is hard for her to really leave because she may be afraid of ending up with nothing. I think we need to see some kind of change in her from the beginning to when she first meets Alec. I felt like it just ended too quickly and the realization wasn't strong. I like Francis and I felt connected to her, and I think most of us have experienced doing something we don't want to, and that helps with familiarizing with the character. I just feel that Alec needs to be able to sweep us off our feet. How? I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for in him, but I'd like to see more of the interaction between him and Francis.
I like the style and I think it's working. It sort of has an A lot Like Love feel to it to me, and I like it. I think it would be one of those films that you know it's going to end well and you just want to watch something happy or to pick up your spirits. That said, I think this has potential to be what you;re looking for. I really hope that you are excited and looking forward to making this, and that you can see the potential within it. Keep up the work and I think you'll have a great story on your hands.
I think you have an interesting story here and I do get a sense of connection with Francis. The voice over is over used, particularly in the first few pages. Instead of her telling us about her struggles in the coffee shop, living at home, etc. you could offer us more brief glimpses into those situations. I do like the ones you’ve already included. I think you will create a much stronger connection between Francis and your audience if we saw her putting up with mistreatment from a rude customer, or something along those lines. The strong sense of shock and surprise of Francis’ realization in the Karaoke bar was well placed and effective.
I like the ambiguity of your ending, although we still get the sense that she no longer feels lost in life, absolving her internal conflict. So is Francis cool with dating a Muslim? Does she ever get curious as to why he chooses the faith that he does? I know you want to avoid injecting strong religious views in your film, but I think it will be very hard since religion is the answer to her problems…or is Alec? I see you want to take a more lighthearted and slightly humorous at time approach to your characters key conflict.
Have you seen the movie Saved? It could have some good comedic reference points for your film. Maybe it would help to have some sort of conflict with Alec’s character that Francis could help him resolve. I love the busy street scene your incorporated to visualize her sense of disconnectedness. I sort of picture it as a time lapse.
I hope some of these suggestions help. Can’t wait to see where you take the story from here.
Hi Gellie! Well, I'm sorry that I'm so late (or early) but I read your script this morning (didn't get home til late last night...
ReplyDeleteOverall (and semi brief): I like it. Even though Francis is a grinch, I kind of like her.
I think you are clear on the "Moral" or "Theme" of your story which is good, and the end is solid.
Things you need to work on,
Dialogue: HAHAHA Listen to me! The coal calling the kettle black. But you do need to touch it up a bit.
Gap in logic: For me this is a gap, but maybe you should ask other guys too, but if some girl is a total bitch to me the LAST THING I am going to do is chase her down to try to win her over. It throws your entire plot off course. Maybe you could have Francis be slightly less mean to Alec, so he actually would want to unwrap the baggage that surrounds her.
Sorry for being so late, ad I really hope this helps. If not, lets discuss later! Good Work.
So as of this moment I’ve only read up to page 6 and while I was initially worried I’m really starting to like your script. I can understand where you’re character is coming from and she’s very relatable. As you know I work in a coffee shop and the 3 characters you just described (the man in the suit, the soccer mom who thinks the shop is a freaking McDonald’s, and the stupid ass teenagers) you nailed! If you have any questions about the coffee shop give me a call I’d love to help and I can get you numbers to call people in order to use one of our shops if you don’t already have a location…
ReplyDeleteOkay so NOW I’ve finished reading you script and I must say it’s very good. Some of the dialogue needs a bit of work but I think it’s a solid first draft. One of the only issues I have is how quickly Francis begins to trust Alec. Maybe show a little more skepticism before her realization at the bar and I think you’ll be good on that part. I’m not a fan of their first meeting because I think Francis’s is a bit too harsh especially when she’s at work…the customer is always right even when they’re not and you have to fake a smile even when you want to throw their coffee back at them.
If her character is a supposed to be cunning or witty and not full on mean then I suggest you switch up the dialogue a bit. If you're not sure how to do that then I suggest you watch a few episodes of "Two Broke Girls." It’s more comical than a drama, but while I was reading you screenplay (and without seeing your journal) this seems to be the direction you are headed in serious but with light moments...nothing too dark...I hope that makes sense! ;)
That was a fast read. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, I think you have a story that has a lot of potential in terms of exploring human emotion.
But I feel there's something missing. I'm not gonna lie to you, cause your;e my friend and I wanna see you do great, but I did not like Francis, like at all. I felt like she complained too much and didn't really see a strong enough reason for her to "change". The stakes, the stales, the stakes. I hate that word but I just didn't feel like the conflict was strong enough. I am confused as to why she constantly asks herself what she is in the beginning. Ok, she's trying to find herself. But, does she REALLY not know "what" she is. Does it really matter? I guess to her it does, but to me I say, forget about it girl. Move on. I would like to see more of how her family treats her and how her friends treat her and why she dropped out. Right nowher life is dull, but man if she thinks that's a hard life than she's in for a big surprise. I'm sorry, i'm sounding very harsh, I know. But I just want to let you know why I didn't connect with Francis. I did, however, like Alec. Alec, famous name, no?? Haha! But...he just feels unlikely. Bottom line, he was just trying to get with her. So, I don't know whether he was being honest.
I know you're planning to change some things. I would like to know! Great start, but I know if you fix some things it can ultimately turn being one of the best caps!
First of all, I love that you hand wrote your journal! I hand write all of my scripts before typing them. There's just something beautiful about that process to me, and for some reason I feel like seeing how people hand write things reveals their personality in a way, which is helpful for something like this!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I love that your intention is not to convert people. I think that is the number one way to turn people off of faith in general, is to be too forceful, and I feel like your film does a good job of getting people to think about the topic without forcing views on them.
I do not really think the voiceovers work that well. I think you can show these things without using voiceovers to tell them. For the most part, it feels more like a cop out than a stylistic choice.
Overall, I really like the moral of your story. I think the dialogue could use some work, but the premises you put the character in are interesting. Also, the interactions between Francis and Alec remind me of a script I almost used for my 300 film- it's about a college dropout working at a coffee shop who is grieving the loss of her mother. Her name is Alexa, and a customer at the coffee shop, Ryan, helps her to find a more optimistic view of life. I think I'm going to email you that script and maybe you will find elements of it that you like. It doesn't have the faith element, but I do see some similarities in premise, tone, character, and theme. Let me know if you like anything from it, and maybe I can help you with your script!
Also, Gold Bar Espresso offered to let me use their coffee shop for free when I was going to shoot this film before I decided to change to a different script so you should go talk to them when you're looking for locations. It's a beautiful place!
ReplyDeleteGellie,
ReplyDeleteI really was starting to like the story up until Alec came into it. I felt like Francis was just really looking for an escape and then one just shows up and it's happily ever after. I think she needs to have more at stake especially with the decision she makes to follow him. I think that even though she isn't enjoying her life, it is hard for her to really leave because she may be afraid of ending up with nothing. I think we need to see some kind of change in her from the beginning to when she first meets Alec. I felt like it just ended too quickly and the realization wasn't strong. I like Francis and I felt connected to her, and I think most of us have experienced doing something we don't want to, and that helps with familiarizing with the character. I just feel that Alec needs to be able to sweep us off our feet. How? I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for in him, but I'd like to see more of the interaction between him and Francis.
I like the style and I think it's working. It sort of has an A lot Like Love feel to it to me, and I like it. I think it would be one of those films that you know it's going to end well and you just want to watch something happy or to pick up your spirits. That said, I think this has potential to be what you;re looking for. I really hope that you are excited and looking forward to making this, and that you can see the potential within it. Keep up the work and I think you'll have a great story on your hands.
I think you have an interesting story here and I do get a sense of connection with Francis. The voice over is over used, particularly in the first few pages. Instead of her telling us about her struggles in the coffee shop, living at home, etc. you could offer us more brief glimpses into those situations. I do like the ones you’ve already included. I think you will create a much stronger connection between Francis and your audience if we saw her putting up with mistreatment from a rude customer, or something along those lines. The strong sense of shock and surprise of Francis’ realization in the Karaoke bar was well placed and effective.
ReplyDeleteI like the ambiguity of your ending, although we still get the sense that she no longer feels lost in life, absolving her internal conflict. So is Francis cool with dating a Muslim? Does she ever get curious as to why he chooses the faith that he does? I know you want to avoid injecting strong religious views in your film, but I think it will be very hard since religion is the answer to her problems…or is Alec? I see you want to take a more lighthearted and slightly humorous at time approach to your characters key conflict.
Have you seen the movie Saved? It could have some good comedic reference points for your film. Maybe it would help to have some sort of conflict with Alec’s character that Francis could help him resolve. I love the busy street scene your incorporated to visualize her sense of disconnectedness. I sort of picture it as a time lapse.
I hope some of these suggestions help. Can’t wait to see where you take the story from here.