I think you need more description of your locations. What do the snow dunes look like? What is The Gateway?
I love the scene when Alice and Pam greet each other. It feels very natural.
Instead of writing "BEAT," maybe you could include actions of the characters. Is Alice shuffling awkwardly? Is she doing something that shows she's nervous? Maybe include things like that to provide more visual clues of the situation, rather than just indicating a beat.
When the Father tells Alice that he wants to write down his stories, it kind of pulls me out of the story. It seems so abrupt. I know a few people with Alzheimer's, and I have someone very close to me in my family who has dementia, and although I am by no means an expert on things like this, but this just doesn't feel real to me. I hope that you've done sufficient research on behavior of people with Alzheimer's; maybe I'm wrong. But my initial reaction is that it just seems too out of the blue for him to be thinking of that when he was so spacey previous to that remark. It makes it feel like a plot device to get to the story of The Great Hunter and The Daughter. In fact, it very well could be a plot device, but in order for your story to be effective, I think you should do everything you can to make it feel like it's not, if that makes sense (I know I'm being really wordy here).
I love the dialogue transitions between the story and reality. It's very effective to have Alice imagine the dialogue happening in the story.
I honestly don't see a Doctor offering a "sugar-coated version." Doctors have years of practice at explaining tough situations in professional yet careful ways.
It seems unnatural to me that Alice would confess to the Doctor that she hasn't been the best daughter or ask for his advice about what to say to her father. I know that it's clear that the Doctor knows the family, but at this point it doesn't seem like Alice is the kind of person to display that level of vulnerability to someone like that. I would find a different way to show that Alice hasn't been there for her father, maybe something more visual.
I think you do a good job showing a contrast between the worlds of reality and the story, in terms of visualization and the style of dialogue. I think that will really help to carry your story.
I don't really buy Alice's heartfelt confession to her father. Maybe shorten the dialogue there. Knowing that a loved one is about to die is a terrifying, profound thing, but I believe that her dialogue in that scene seems a bit forced. Plus, we keep hearing how she abandoned the family, but we don't know where she went or who she is/what she does now. Maybe understanding her a bit better would help the audience to be more invested in her. Whåt's encouraging is that I am interested in her and this story. I just wish I understood her better, so that's a good thing!
Without the completed dialogue on page 15, I really am left wanting to know more. I'm interested to see what you come up with.
Overall:
I think you did a great job of creating two parts of the story that work together to communicate one thing. I think that your dialogue could be a bit more natural and a bit more concise. I think you could rely more on actions to communicate the story than just the dialogue, but that's a problem that most people, including myself, have to overcome so I'm sure you can iron that out. I think your script is at an appropriate length. I remain interested in your story for 16 pages so good job with that. I just think you could use less dialogue and add in more information about the characters through their actions.
I really really like what you have going so far. I know you're worried about the story and the fantasy sequences and I think that they flow effortlessly between the two. I think that you have found a great combination between the two worlds. By crossing over the story between reality and fantasy, you are able to then intertwine the behaviors of the two which really makes for a more impactful story.
I really loved the connection between the Father and Alice, and thus The Hunter and The Daughter. I like the dialogue for the most part of the story. I think that you handle it pretty well and allow the two worlds to speak in two different languages almost. The Voice over allows us to picture the story that we are watching at the same time and almost harkens us back to the days when we were told the bedtime stories by our parents. I think having that important connecting element helps us believe the fantasy world and connects us to the father and daughter even more.
The story is incredibly visual, I know you already know that logistically it is going to take some work to pull off the story but the story and visuals that pop into my head when I read this script are incredibly eye-catching. I can see the vivid colors and the contrasts that happen during the fantasy world, and the muted dated colors of the house that she grew up in.
I really loved the fantasy worlds. They were a great change of pace and there are a lot of them that would appear in a true fairy tale. For some reason the trailer for Brave popped into my head when I read the girl as the hero and some of the locations. Not that the film has any connection but it was the first thing that popped into my head.
I do think that the Doctor Odom character could use a few small changes. I am not sure what it is about the line that he delivers before she goes in to finally confront her father about everything. But I read it a few times over and over again, and for some reason it just seems wrong. I can't really explain it to you, but when I read it... He comes across as having terrible bedside manner and is blunt without any tact. I know that can easily change in the directing of the scene but for some reason that is what I got out of it.
I think that for me, your film is going to live or die on making the connection between the father and the daughter something that the audience can feel. You're really going to have to make sure that the chemistry between the father and Alice is apparent on screen. While she still resents him for leaving her mother, she still inside is his little girl and she still wants her father to love her. She had blinders on but when she makes that moment of realization you really do want the audience to cry out of both happiness and sadness at that moment. That's a tough thing to pull off but if you can, you really do have something special on your hands.
After looking at your film journal, I really find it funny. The first thing that I thought after reading the story was the connection between Will and his father Charles in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. His father seems just like the father in your story and the connection is pretty similar. Not in the sense that she is striving to save him but she wants to remember him for who he really is and keep the connection that the two of them have.
I can't wait to see what you come up for the rest of the dream sequence. I think you have set it up so well that I can't wait to see how it ends.
Although I do have a suggestion on the very wordy comment about the PLOT DEVICE. I kind of agree there too. I think that's an EASY fix though.
Alice could look at what the father is writing and it could turn out to be the story alice continues telling. He could say "in all my years I have always TOLD this story, but never WROTE it." (Not to change a lot with your story Nick) But maybe the ending could be Alice giving a printed and published version to Pam. This would show that Alice has officially changed.
Either way Nick, very good! It is obvious that this is not your first draft. It is clean, easy to follow despite the many transitions, and entertaining! Just don't film over the summer, I want to work on it!!!
Well written introduction. I like the vast landscape images paired along with the voice over. It sets up what we are about to see in the rest of the film.
This introduction to the father starts out good, but then flattens out and becomes a little awkward. I think you could almost introduce the story writing element in that first scene.
I love the snap back into reality. It works for me. I am just concerned if he would bring up the mother that soon. After that, I don't think you need that scene with the doctor. It can start with the doctor exiting, we get what is going on. In fact, you could probably cut half of his lines. Alice's attitude toward the doctor should change during the scene. At first, she should hate him. Then when he gives her the advice to talk to him she should open up.
The setup of the Traveler works, but the dialogue exchange between them does need a bit of work. Be careful to not repeat yourself.
If the doctor knew that he was nearing the end, I think he would have him placed in a hospital. Also the doctor shows up again way too soon for me. I'm not really sure if I like him being buddy buddy with Alice.
I know you have to finish the story within you script so I will not go much into that. I really liked the cutting back and forth from her telling the story and the story taking place. Maybe you could flesh that out more in the climatic battle. I think you don't have to finish the story within the story, so much as you show the enjoyment the father and daughter have sharing the story.
I love the last page of your script. HOWEVER, is it possible to die with a smile on your face? Something to think about. Also what you have is a great starting off point, I think another rewrite would really help you out. And maybe a cowriter :)
I remember you telling me about your idea for this project last semester, and though it's really changed quite a bit, I think that you've really made great strides in improving it.
The frame story is all very good because you have three characters who seem to be represented by the characters in the story being told. Are you intending to have them do dual roles?
I really like the catharsis between the daughter and father by the end of the work, although I think there needs to be some kind of catharsis between Pam and Alice as well. Maybe even giving them a moment together to make amends before the final scenes? I don't think it should come afterwards, because the catharsis with the father is the more important one.
I do agree that I would have liked to have seen more scene description with the areas in the story. I'm trying to picture them in my head, but it's difficult without any major reference points. If you already have ideas of how it should look, and pictures to help illustrate it, I recommend putting that in your journal so we can get a better understanding of what the film will look like.
As with most of the things presented so far for this class, the major problems I see are not in the story, but the logistics. You have quite a lot of variation in the scenes when it comes to the fantasy story, and while I think they'll all look great, they'll also be the most difficult part to shoot. However, the way they flow in and out of the narrative is brilliant, and I think that this is much stronger and more polished than it was when you first told me the idea.
Some of Dr. Oden’s dialogue seems just a little bit unprofessional at times. Clearly he is a good friend of the family and knows them on a personal basis as much of the dialogue justly signifies. I agree with Kristine about it sounding unnatural for the doc to offer a sugarcoated version. Referring to Alice as kiddo seems out of place, unless that’s something he’s called her for a long time. Can lung fluid be drained?
At the bottom of page 12, Alice speaks about not giving Pam a chance, then right after she makes a statement “ that I am no better than she was.” This makes me think Alice is referring to Pam when Alice is really speaking about her own mother. Clarify whom she is referring to. The fact that Alice cut off her relationship to her father over him leaving her mother, leads me to believe they she and her mother had a strong positive relationship. In her next statement she claims for her actions that, “I am no better than she was.” This statement leads me to believe they didn’t have a very positive relationship. I think Alice sees her real mother as a good person, whom she had a hard time forgiving for leaving her father. Is that the case? This is an easy fix; just tweak the dialogue a bit to be sure the intended message is getting across. Particularly in the moment of Alice asking for forgiveness from her father, her feelings need to be clear. I was concerned when I read the journal and found out your were engaging the subject of Alzheimer’s and the pain experienced by the loved ones affected. Once I read the script, I was very impressed with how you handled the subject mater in all of its seriousness. I love the role story telling plays in your film, and the strong bonding agent it serves as for the characters. The moment of closure in your script is beautifully written. I can’t wait to hear what you come up with for the chase scene.
I think that your story is very strong. Like others have said, I think that the dialogue could be tweaked, but that comes with rewrites. I think that you have done a good job of establishing relationships amongst the characters, but I would like to see more development in all of them. Your conflict and drama are all there, but I think you can do to maximize your emotive impact. The hard part is successfully strengthening two stories. I think that the moments that Alice and her father share are touching. I also like the way you draw Alice and the reader out of the fantasy and back into reality. I am excited to see how the rest of the script and most importantly the fantasy within the story play out.
Please start your pre-production ASAP, and find a strong Producer that will be able to help you.
I like many others have issues with the doctor being too personal/unprofessional with Alice. However this could be easily solved if the story took place in a small town or even if the doctor was a close family friend.
I feel like there is something wrong with Alice… She just drops everything in her life to go home because her stepmother thinks it'll help her father out. Two problems 1) As I see it Pam and Alice aren't that close and Alice isn't that excepting of Pam in terms of replacing her mother and 2) I though Alice was upset with her Father. I just don't think/believe that she'd just go home because her father isn't well. Maybe show a passage of time like she's starting to feel guilty and that's why she finally decides to go. Maybe have Alice listening to a voicemail or two of Pam giving her updates on her fathers health and then go into the phone conversation you have…
I think you have a really great start and an even better story, Good Luck!
I really enjoyed reading the script. What really caught my attention were the transitions between reality and the story Alice was telling to her father. A big part of this film will be to get the audience sucked into to the story itself, it actually wakes them up and brings them back to realization when it transitions back to her father. Almost like the audience is waking up from a dream and forgetting that it is only a story.
A little confused at the beginning of the story, is it just showing all of the locations of when the story will be told with voice-overs and then when we first see characters is when she pulls up to her father’s house. If so, make sure not to take away from when she tells a story, because the audience wants to see what type of imagination Alice and her Dad has while she is telling the story to her father. Some inserts couple by more on their mother, including pictures, maybe some flashbacks or just times that make the reminiscing of her mother that much more memorable and intriguing to the audience.
The connection between Alice and her father are spot on, and I like the timing is perfect for when he passes. I like the ending you have where it doesn’t end in real time, but in the story they had with one another. This then makes her last memory of her father be a happy one because she will remember the journey they had with one another and she knows she made up for the time missed being with her father. Great story man, got a great film on your hands.
I am really interested in the character Alice and I kept thinking about Alexis from my 300 film. I think that she would be great in this role, she is someone who almost everyone loves and has a very kind hearted personality that I think would run very true with this character. Here is a link to her facebook page. [ http://www.facebook.com/alexisnicolerayson ] You may want to send her a message with a script and see if she would be interested in auditioning. I don't know if her schedule will work or when your planning on shooting and whatnot but I think you should really try to get her to be in it.
I think the Story is great, but I was really bummed when I saw the "climax scene unfinished". I really got into it and felt cheated and wanted to at least see some ideas of what you had in mind. I just have a lot of hanging questions because I think it's one of, if not, the most important part of the movie. I think you need to really need to lay out the whole relationship with that scene, and let the audience empathize with Alice. Also I have a lot of questions like, will she defeat her alone, or with the father? what are the powers of the queen? why does the queen feel soo obligated to keep the hunter at will? What exactly happened between the hunter and the Traveler? Are you going to make the gift of endless water for Alice help defeat the queen? Does the Traveler die, or just lose her powers? Will Alice receive her powers after she defeats the Traveler? What was the moment like when they escaped? Where are they in detail? Are there any other dangers besides the Traveler? I think that the relationships will really fall together well with this ending, and I was wondering if you were going to link any of the other characters in the real world with the fantasy world such as the doc, etc. Maybe I missed it I don't know, but I think there is a lot of potential with the story. I really think you just need to finish it, so we can discuss and maybe strengthen some other aspects of the story.
I think you did a great job of the feeling of the film. The snowy, dark vibe reminds me a lot of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo/trailer. It could be a total miss for what your going for, but this is what I feel for the real world. A very dark, desaturated blue wonderland. I see Alice's character really contrast with this world, and could her character really shine out visually as if she glows in the image. I think this would work well together, but again this is just what comes to my mind.
Overall I really just want to hear more about what you are going to do with the end. From there I feel like we can start making more adjustments and whatnot. I noticed people wanted more descriptions, however, I feel like that may come out more as you look for your locations and what have you. I think being too detailed may run you into trouble when trying to find the locations, but I think overall it will speak for itself and I think you know what your looking for. Keep up the work and I am interested to see where this goes.
College Boy. Let's dive right into this pool of emotions. I'm a big fan. I like how you have incorporated the whole "Princess Bride" storytelling theme. If you have not seen the movie, then set aside a day, and call me. I'll bring the bevs. You do a great job of connecting the fantasy story with the reality... especially the snap backs to reality. I realize that you have eliminated characters, and I think that was the smart thing to do. Now we can focus on the once broken relationship between the father and daughter. With that being said... I'm going to have to agree with The Burbs on the idea of cutting some of the Doc... especially when he returns the following scene from welcoming Alice home. I would say that his presence is not necessary for half the time he is there. I know that you have a missing scene, and I'm not sure what your ideas are yet, but I would recommend having the fantasy scene of The Daughter saving The Hunter's life really tie in with the reality of the father and daughter's relationship building from once broken to now enduring. I think that this could really grasp the audience for the climax of both stories. You've got something really strong here, and I can't wait to see this thing progress throughout the semester. A couple side notes: -Again, Burbs said it. Dying with a smile on your face... Possibly rearrange your description so that we see the sun pouring through the windows onto his face for the first time since Alice has been home. This would signify peacefulness, which is what your going for, I think. -Be careful when you throw a character's name in on each line of the dialogue. I would cut the majority of those. Yee Yee.
I think this is a great piece and I can totally see where you're going with it. I'm thoroughly impressed and I can't wait for the climax to be finished and fleshed out!!
Unlike others, I'm not so sure that I have issues with the doctor being "too personal/unprofessional" with Alice. I think that if you maybe give it a bit more backstory or show something that better connects them so that it isn't as awkward for others, it could still work.
I feel like there is so much potential for this story and I can't wait to see if you decide to tie some more pieces into the real world. The concept is fantastic, I think just taking a look at your screenplay and working out a few kinks will greatly help improve it.
Overall, great job! I'm ready to see this at the screenings!
I think this is a very beautiful story. I's refreshing and not affraid to NOT fallow the norm. Everything about it, in away, kinda breaks the boundaries.
Your characters are vivid, emotions are a BIG deal for this story it seems. So nailing these performances is something I would be very much be keeping an eye for. I am only saying this because people tend to dismiss the perfromances when dealing with science fiction, action adventure, and so on-type movies. You have huge potential to move audiences in giant ways with this story and I think it's awesome of you because you choose such emotinally challenging pieces.
Your settings are ambitious, but nothing that can't be done, I assume. In your writing, I noticed you described the setting in the daughter's narration. Correct me if i'm wrong, but when you do that, do we still need to write it in the scene descriptions? Idk. That leads me to another format thing. At first, when you start out with the scene headings you quickly proceed to saying the exact same thing on your scene description. No need for that as we already know where and when we are. Just a minor format thing.
The relationship between father and daughter is well elaborated, heartwarming. Though at times I feel like i've seen these types of scenes or lines before. Don't hate for saying this, but even though the story itself is rather original, some of the scenes and even the dialogue feel very much like cliche. Maybe adjusting the tone or even shortening some of the words, like from the doctor. I know and like that he's the family doctor but smetimes he just goes on way too long. I'm only saying this cause it's a short.
I really want to read your climax scene for I think it's rather unfair to judge your entire story with bits missing. Overall, I think you got a very heartwarming story. Very emotional, again, and that's gonna require some major work with your actors if you wanna avoid any cheese. Don't mean to sound to out there. I think you have the potential required to pull of the caliber in the story and I can't wait to read it! :) When it's finished.
Ok, by far my favorite :) I LOVE what you have so far. Can't fully judge it right now since you don't have the climax all done yet but even without I'm hooked with this story. I really how you intertwined the fairytale story and the real world. It reminds me a lot of the TV series "Once Upon A Time". I can only guess that you're using the same actors for the the hunter and the daughter and Alice and his dad (Which I hope you do).
I do have to agree with Devon about the doctor. It's not that he's unprofessional with his job but that there's a distinct closeness with him and Alice and her parents that you did not establish. There's nothing wrong with a personal doctor, it's just the fact that you didn't establish that relationship.
As for Pam, I don't know, there's not much about her for some reason, and I feel awful for saying this, but I don't like her. Not necessarily hate, I don't know it just feels like she's impatient with Alice's Dad's condition. Usually they're stronger, calmer, trying to make thing "alright" but then again I guess everybody has their breaking point. Oh well, that's just me :P
Other than that I really loved this story overall. For your queen, what look are you going for? I pictured maybe like the queen in the movie Narnia or like from Alice in Wonderland or that upcoming movie Snow White and the Huntsman.
Initial thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI think you need more description of your locations. What do the snow dunes look like? What is The Gateway?
I love the scene when Alice and Pam greet each other. It feels very natural.
Instead of writing "BEAT," maybe you could include actions of the characters. Is Alice shuffling awkwardly? Is she doing something that shows she's nervous? Maybe include things like that to provide more visual clues of the situation, rather than just indicating a beat.
When the Father tells Alice that he wants to write down his stories, it kind of pulls me out of the story. It seems so abrupt. I know a few people with Alzheimer's, and I have someone very close to me in my family who has dementia, and although I am by no means an expert on things like this, but this just doesn't feel real to me. I hope that you've done sufficient research on behavior of people with Alzheimer's; maybe I'm wrong. But my initial reaction is that it just seems too out of the blue for him to be thinking of that when he was so spacey previous to that remark. It makes it feel like a plot device to get to the story of The Great Hunter and The Daughter. In fact, it very well could be a plot device, but in order for your story to be effective, I think you should do everything you can to make it feel like it's not, if that makes sense (I know I'm being really wordy here).
I love the dialogue transitions between the story and reality. It's very effective to have Alice imagine the dialogue happening in the story.
I honestly don't see a Doctor offering a "sugar-coated version." Doctors have years of practice at explaining tough situations in professional yet careful ways.
It seems unnatural to me that Alice would confess to the Doctor that she hasn't been the best daughter or ask for his advice about what to say to her father. I know that it's clear that the Doctor knows the family, but at this point it doesn't seem like Alice is the kind of person to display that level of vulnerability to someone like that. I would find a different way to show that Alice hasn't been there for her father, maybe something more visual.
I think you do a good job showing a contrast between the worlds of reality and the story, in terms of visualization and the style of dialogue. I think that will really help to carry your story.
I don't really buy Alice's heartfelt confession to her father. Maybe shorten the dialogue there. Knowing that a loved one is about to die is a terrifying, profound thing, but I believe that her dialogue in that scene seems a bit forced. Plus, we keep hearing how she abandoned the family, but we don't know where she went or who she is/what she does now. Maybe understanding her a bit better would help the audience to be more invested in her. Whåt's encouraging is that I am interested in her and this story. I just wish I understood her better, so that's a good thing!
Without the completed dialogue on page 15, I really am left wanting to know more. I'm interested to see what you come up with.
Overall:
I think you did a great job of creating two parts of the story that work together to communicate one thing. I think that your dialogue could be a bit more natural and a bit more concise. I think you could rely more on actions to communicate the story than just the dialogue, but that's a problem that most people, including myself, have to overcome so I'm sure you can iron that out. I think your script is at an appropriate length. I remain interested in your story for 16 pages so good job with that. I just think you could use less dialogue and add in more information about the characters through their actions.
I really really like what you have going so far. I know you're worried about the story and the fantasy sequences and I think that they flow effortlessly between the two. I think that you have found a great combination between the two worlds. By crossing over the story between reality and fantasy, you are able to then intertwine the behaviors of the two which really makes for a more impactful story.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the connection between the Father and Alice, and thus The Hunter and The Daughter. I like the dialogue for the most part of the story. I think that you handle it pretty well and allow the two worlds to speak in two different languages almost. The Voice over allows us to picture the story that we are watching at the same time and almost harkens us back to the days when we were told the bedtime stories by our parents. I think having that important connecting element helps us believe the fantasy world and connects us to the father and daughter even more.
The story is incredibly visual, I know you already know that logistically it is going to take some work to pull off the story but the story and visuals that pop into my head when I read this script are incredibly eye-catching. I can see the vivid colors and the contrasts that happen during the fantasy world, and the muted dated colors of the house that she grew up in.
I really loved the fantasy worlds. They were a great change of pace and there are a lot of them that would appear in a true fairy tale. For some reason the trailer for Brave popped into my head when I read the girl as the hero and some of the locations. Not that the film has any connection but it was the first thing that popped into my head.
I do think that the Doctor Odom character could use a few small changes. I am not sure what it is about the line that he delivers before she goes in to finally confront her father about everything. But I read it a few times over and over again, and for some reason it just seems wrong. I can't really explain it to you, but when I read it... He comes across as having terrible bedside manner and is blunt without any tact. I know that can easily change in the directing of the scene but for some reason that is what I got out of it.
I think that for me, your film is going to live or die on making the connection between the father and the daughter something that the audience can feel. You're really going to have to make sure that the chemistry between the father and Alice is apparent on screen. While she still resents him for leaving her mother, she still inside is his little girl and she still wants her father to love her. She had blinders on but when she makes that moment of realization you really do want the audience to cry out of both happiness and sadness at that moment. That's a tough thing to pull off but if you can, you really do have something special on your hands.
After looking at your film journal, I really find it funny. The first thing that I thought after reading the story was the connection between Will and his father Charles in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. His father seems just like the father in your story and the connection is pretty similar. Not in the sense that she is striving to save him but she wants to remember him for who he really is and keep the connection that the two of them have.
I can't wait to see what you come up for the rest of the dream sequence. I think you have set it up so well that I can't wait to see how it ends.
Damn you Kristine! You pretty much said it all!!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do have a suggestion on the very wordy comment about the PLOT DEVICE. I kind of agree there too. I think that's an EASY fix though.
Alice could look at what the father is writing and it could turn out to be the story alice continues telling. He could say "in all my years I have always TOLD this story, but never WROTE it." (Not to change a lot with your story Nick) But maybe the ending could be Alice giving a printed and published version to Pam. This would show that Alice has officially changed.
Either way Nick, very good! It is obvious that this is not your first draft. It is clean, easy to follow despite the many transitions, and entertaining! Just don't film over the summer, I want to work on it!!!
Few brief notes. It's late, I'm tired.
ReplyDeleteWell written introduction. I like the vast landscape images paired along with the voice over. It sets up what we are about to see in the rest of the film.
This introduction to the father starts out good, but then flattens out and becomes a little awkward. I think you could almost introduce the story writing element in that first scene.
I love the snap back into reality. It works for me. I am just concerned if he would bring up the mother that soon. After that, I don't think you need that scene with the doctor. It can start with the doctor exiting, we get what is going on. In fact, you could probably cut half of his lines. Alice's attitude toward the doctor should change during the scene. At first, she should hate him. Then when he gives her the advice to talk to him she should open up.
The setup of the Traveler works, but the dialogue exchange between them does need a bit of work. Be careful to not repeat yourself.
If the doctor knew that he was nearing the end, I think he would have him placed in a hospital. Also the doctor shows up again way too soon for me. I'm not really sure if I like him being buddy buddy with Alice.
I know you have to finish the story within you script so I will not go much into that. I really liked the cutting back and forth from her telling the story and the story taking place. Maybe you could flesh that out more in the climatic battle. I think you don't have to finish the story within the story, so much as you show the enjoyment the father and daughter have sharing the story.
I love the last page of your script. HOWEVER, is it possible to die with a smile on your face? Something to think about. Also what you have is a great starting off point, I think another rewrite would really help you out. And maybe a cowriter :)
I remember you telling me about your idea for this project last semester, and though it's really changed quite a bit, I think that you've really made great strides in improving it.
ReplyDeleteThe frame story is all very good because you have three characters who seem to be represented by the characters in the story being told. Are you intending to have them do dual roles?
I really like the catharsis between the daughter and father by the end of the work, although I think there needs to be some kind of catharsis between Pam and Alice as well. Maybe even giving them a moment together to make amends before the final scenes? I don't think it should come afterwards, because the catharsis with the father is the more important one.
I do agree that I would have liked to have seen more scene description with the areas in the story. I'm trying to picture them in my head, but it's difficult without any major reference points. If you already have ideas of how it should look, and pictures to help illustrate it, I recommend putting that in your journal so we can get a better understanding of what the film will look like.
As with most of the things presented so far for this class, the major problems I see are not in the story, but the logistics. You have quite a lot of variation in the scenes when it comes to the fantasy story, and while I think they'll all look great, they'll also be the most difficult part to shoot. However, the way they flow in and out of the narrative is brilliant, and I think that this is much stronger and more polished than it was when you first told me the idea.
Some of Dr. Oden’s dialogue seems just a little bit unprofessional at times. Clearly he is a good friend of the family and knows them on a personal basis as much of the dialogue justly signifies. I agree with Kristine about it sounding unnatural for the doc to offer a sugarcoated version. Referring to Alice as kiddo seems out of place, unless that’s something he’s called her for a long time. Can lung fluid be drained?
ReplyDeleteAt the bottom of page 12, Alice speaks about not giving Pam a chance, then right after she makes a statement “ that I am no better than she was.” This makes me think Alice is referring to Pam when Alice is really speaking about her own mother. Clarify whom she is referring to. The fact that Alice cut off her relationship to her father over him leaving her mother, leads me to believe they she and her mother had a strong positive relationship. In her next statement she claims for her actions that, “I am no better than she was.” This statement leads me to believe they didn’t have a very positive relationship. I think Alice sees her real mother as a good person, whom she had a hard time forgiving for leaving her father. Is that the case? This is an easy fix; just tweak the dialogue a bit to be sure the intended message is getting across. Particularly in the moment of Alice asking for forgiveness from her father, her feelings need to be clear.
I was concerned when I read the journal and found out your were engaging the subject of Alzheimer’s and the pain experienced by the loved ones affected. Once I read the script, I was very impressed with how you handled the subject mater in all of its seriousness. I love the role story telling plays in your film, and the strong bonding agent it serves as for the characters. The moment of closure in your script is beautifully written. I can’t wait to hear what you come up with for the chase scene.
I think that your story is very strong. Like others have said, I think that the dialogue could be tweaked, but that comes with rewrites. I think that you have done a good job of establishing relationships amongst the characters, but I would like to see more development in all of them. Your conflict and drama are all there, but I think you can do to maximize your emotive impact. The hard part is successfully strengthening two stories. I think that the moments that Alice and her father share are touching. I also like the way you draw Alice and the reader out of the fantasy and back into reality. I am excited to see how the rest of the script and most importantly the fantasy within the story play out.
ReplyDeletePlease start your pre-production ASAP, and find a strong Producer that will be able to help you.
I like many others have issues with the doctor being too personal/unprofessional with Alice. However this could be easily solved if the story took place in a small town or even if the doctor was a close family friend.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there is something wrong with Alice… She just drops everything in her life to go home because her stepmother thinks it'll help her father out. Two problems 1) As I see it Pam and Alice aren't that close and Alice isn't that excepting of Pam in terms of replacing her mother and 2) I though Alice was upset with her Father. I just don't think/believe that she'd just go home because her father isn't well. Maybe show a passage of time like she's starting to feel guilty and that's why she finally decides to go. Maybe have Alice listening to a voicemail or two of Pam giving her updates on her fathers health and then go into the phone conversation you have…
I think you have a really great start and an even better story, Good Luck!
I really enjoyed reading the script. What really caught my attention were the transitions between reality and the story Alice was telling to her father. A big part of this film will be to get the audience sucked into to the story itself, it actually wakes them up and brings them back to realization when it transitions back to her father. Almost like the audience is waking up from a dream and forgetting that it is only a story.
ReplyDeleteA little confused at the beginning of the story, is it just showing all of the locations of when the story will be told with voice-overs and then when we first see characters is when she pulls up to her father’s house. If so, make sure not to take away from when she tells a story, because the audience wants to see what type of imagination Alice and her Dad has while she is telling the story to her father.
Some inserts couple by more on their mother, including pictures, maybe some flashbacks or just times that make the reminiscing of her mother that much more memorable and intriguing to the audience.
The connection between Alice and her father are spot on, and I like the timing is perfect for when he passes. I like the ending you have where it doesn’t end in real time, but in the story they had with one another. This then makes her last memory of her father be a happy one because she will remember the journey they had with one another and she knows she made up for the time missed being with her father. Great story man, got a great film on your hands.
I am really interested in the character Alice and I kept thinking about Alexis from my 300 film. I think that she would be great in this role, she is someone who almost everyone loves and has a very kind hearted personality that I think would run very true with this character. Here is a link to her facebook page. [ http://www.facebook.com/alexisnicolerayson ] You may want to send her a message with a script and see if she would be interested in auditioning. I don't know if her schedule will work or when your planning on shooting and whatnot but I think you should really try to get her to be in it.
ReplyDeleteI think the Story is great, but I was really bummed when I saw the "climax scene unfinished". I really got into it and felt cheated and wanted to at least see some ideas of what you had in mind. I just have a lot of hanging questions because I think it's one of, if not, the most important part of the movie. I think you need to really need to lay out the whole relationship with that scene, and let the audience empathize with Alice. Also I have a lot of questions like, will she defeat her alone, or with the father? what are the powers of the queen? why does the queen feel soo obligated to keep the hunter at will? What exactly happened between the hunter and the Traveler? Are you going to make the gift of endless water for Alice help defeat the queen? Does the Traveler die, or just lose her powers? Will Alice receive her powers after she defeats the Traveler? What was the moment like when they escaped? Where are they in detail? Are there any other dangers besides the Traveler? I think that the relationships will really fall together well with this ending, and I was wondering if you were going to link any of the other characters in the real world with the fantasy world such as the doc, etc. Maybe I missed it I don't know, but I think there is a lot of potential with the story. I really think you just need to finish it, so we can discuss and maybe strengthen some other aspects of the story.
I think you did a great job of the feeling of the film. The snowy, dark vibe reminds me a lot of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo/trailer. It could be a total miss for what your going for, but this is what I feel for the real world. A very dark, desaturated blue wonderland. I see Alice's character really contrast with this world, and could her character really shine out visually as if she glows in the image. I think this would work well together, but again this is just what comes to my mind.
Overall I really just want to hear more about what you are going to do with the end. From there I feel like we can start making more adjustments and whatnot. I noticed people wanted more descriptions, however, I feel like that may come out more as you look for your locations and what have you. I think being too detailed may run you into trouble when trying to find the locations, but I think overall it will speak for itself and I think you know what your looking for. Keep up the work and I am interested to see where this goes.
College Boy.
ReplyDeleteLet's dive right into this pool of emotions.
I'm a big fan. I like how you have incorporated the whole "Princess Bride" storytelling theme. If you have not seen the movie, then set aside a day, and call me. I'll bring the bevs.
You do a great job of connecting the fantasy story with the reality... especially the snap backs to reality.
I realize that you have eliminated characters, and I think that was the smart thing to do. Now we can focus on the once broken relationship between the father and daughter.
With that being said... I'm going to have to agree with The Burbs on the idea of cutting some of the Doc... especially when he returns the following scene from welcoming Alice home. I would say that his presence is not necessary for half the time he is there.
I know that you have a missing scene, and I'm not sure what your ideas are yet, but I would recommend having the fantasy scene of The Daughter saving The Hunter's life really tie in with the reality of the father and daughter's relationship building from once broken to now enduring. I think that this could really grasp the audience for the climax of both stories.
You've got something really strong here, and I can't wait to see this thing progress throughout the semester.
A couple side notes:
-Again, Burbs said it. Dying with a smile on your face... Possibly rearrange your description so that we see the sun pouring through the windows onto his face for the first time since Alice has been home. This would signify peacefulness, which is what your going for, I think.
-Be careful when you throw a character's name in on each line of the dialogue. I would cut the majority of those.
Yee Yee.
Wow, Nick!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great piece and I can totally see where you're going with it. I'm thoroughly impressed and I can't wait for the climax to be finished and fleshed out!!
Unlike others, I'm not so sure that I have issues with the doctor being "too personal/unprofessional" with Alice. I think that if you maybe give it a bit more backstory or show something that better connects them so that it isn't as awkward for others, it could still work.
I feel like there is so much potential for this story and I can't wait to see if you decide to tie some more pieces into the real world. The concept is fantastic, I think just taking a look at your screenplay and working out a few kinks will greatly help improve it.
Overall, great job! I'm ready to see this at the screenings!
I think this is a very beautiful story. I's refreshing and not affraid to NOT fallow the norm. Everything about it, in away, kinda breaks the boundaries.
ReplyDeleteYour characters are vivid, emotions are a BIG deal for this story it seems. So nailing these performances is something I would be very much be keeping an eye for. I am only saying this because people tend to dismiss the perfromances when dealing with science fiction, action adventure, and so on-type movies. You have huge potential to move audiences in giant ways with this story and I think it's awesome of you because you choose such emotinally challenging pieces.
Your settings are ambitious, but nothing that can't be done, I assume. In your writing, I noticed you described the setting in the daughter's narration. Correct me if i'm wrong, but when you do that, do we still need to write it in the scene descriptions? Idk.
That leads me to another format thing. At first, when you start out with the scene headings you quickly proceed to saying the exact same thing on your scene description. No need for that as we already know where and when we are. Just a minor format thing.
The relationship between father and daughter is well elaborated, heartwarming. Though at times I feel like i've seen these types of scenes or lines before. Don't hate for saying this, but even though the story itself is rather original, some of the scenes and even the dialogue feel very much like cliche. Maybe adjusting the tone or even shortening some of the words, like from the doctor. I know and like that he's the family doctor but smetimes he just goes on way too long. I'm only saying this cause it's a short.
I really want to read your climax scene for I think it's rather unfair to judge your entire story with bits missing. Overall, I think you got a very heartwarming story. Very emotional, again, and that's gonna require some major work with your actors if you wanna avoid any cheese. Don't mean to sound to out there. I think you have the potential required to pull of the caliber in the story and I can't wait to read it! :) When it's finished.
Ok, by far my favorite :) I LOVE what you have so far. Can't fully judge it right now since you don't have the climax all done yet but even without I'm hooked with this story. I really how you intertwined the fairytale story and the real world. It reminds me a lot of the TV series "Once Upon A Time". I can only guess that you're using the same actors for the the hunter and the daughter and Alice and his dad (Which I hope you do).
ReplyDeleteI do have to agree with Devon about the doctor. It's not that he's unprofessional with his job but that there's a distinct closeness with him and Alice and her parents that you did not establish. There's nothing wrong with a personal doctor, it's just the fact that you didn't establish that relationship.
As for Pam, I don't know, there's not much about her for some reason, and I feel awful for saying this, but I don't like her. Not necessarily hate, I don't know it just feels like she's impatient with Alice's Dad's condition. Usually they're stronger, calmer, trying to make thing "alright" but then again I guess everybody has their breaking point. Oh well, that's just me :P
Other than that I really loved this story overall. For your queen, what look are you going for? I pictured maybe like the queen in the movie Narnia or like from Alice in Wonderland or that upcoming movie Snow White and the Huntsman.