I think that you have taken an interesting twist in the changes to your story.
I really really like the opening to your film even more now. I think that the dialogue plays out in a poetic fashion that really draws the audience into your film and hooks them from the beginning. The way it flows helps us understand Abe even more than previously and attaches us to him despite the fact that we lose him right off the bat.
Adding Jeb to the funeral in his tattered best is a good move. It helps us connect the two right away. Especially when he goes to grave robbing in the same clothes, it allows us to get a good feel for the character and the fact that he clearly doesn't have as much as the others.
With that being said, there are a few things that raised a brow of mine during the reading. I think that your addition of dialogue works both well and strange in a few places. I think that it really helped Jeb and strengthened his character. I like the explanation that you gave him as far as his love for Sarah. We get a look at his mindset as to why he is going for it. It gives him a sort of justification as to why he is committing this act.
However, I think that you should take a look at Coopers dialogue. I think his character gets a little muddled in who he is. He starts off very similar to the character he was in the last draft. He lacks a formal education and seems to not have a very expansive vocabulary. Yet some of his added dialogue reads as a different character. It doesn't necessarily read to me as Tucker and Dale with moments in which they have knowledge, but it read like missed dialogue to me.
I think that your change in the ending is interesting. I want to wait and re-read it tomorrow or Wednesday because I am not sure how I feel about the change. I really liked the original ending and this change is different. I'm not sure if I am completely invested in the original and it is making it so I like this one less or what. I think that the change works well with the script alterations. I think that the fight that Jeb makes with himself in trying to dig up Abe is still there. I like the fact that it is a failed chance at redemption for him and he doesn't have any shot at it when he digs up Abe.
I'll leave another comment after I read it again later sir...
I agree with Taurean in that Jeb is now a much stronger character, but Coop suffers a little. But, with how little you added to entirely change your story, I bet he could be back to good in a few lines.
I'd like to focus on the overall change in the plot. Taurean seems to be struggling with it, but if you like it I think it is stronger. Jeb's character is selfish to the point where he is digging up someone's grave to get what HE wants. But the shift in character (Jeb becomes selfless) makes him and your overall plot much stronger. In the previous script, the last half seemed to feel forced, and Jeb's character seemed confused (in both the story and in how you wrote). This ending (and entire script for that matter) seems to be VERY DEFINED and INTENTIONAL and there is something to be said in that.
Quick anecdote - I was once a bar tender, and when I first started I was green. People would ask me to make X drink or Y martini, and I would show a lack of confidence. That drink could be the best made drink ever, but if the person saw my lack of confidence, it would taste like shit! So I learned to just be confident, even if I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Your first script was great! But it lacked confidence. It was obvious you weren't 100% sure about where you wanted to end, how to get there, etc. This version, CONFIDENT. It is obvious that you made changes in the beginning that come full circle to round out the ending.
Keep up the good work! with maybe a MINOR TWEAK in action or dialogue your script will be flawless.
I don't know how much help I can be because Westerns aren't my thing and Taurean and Jason talked about most of the issues I took note about so I'll do my best…
The line on page 1 "…and an appetite for women other than his lovely wife, Sarah." I didn't like because it felt forced. I think if you wrote it a little less obviously or in the next segment with the son that it would make that line stronger. I know that's really nit picky but the line about him making little time for his son was such a beautiful way to say he neglected his son that when you wrote about Abraham whoring around with women other than his wife it just felt off. That could just be me, but I figured I'd mention it.
I like Jeb's decision to dig up Abraham more in this draft, but I felt like his decision came to quickly. I think you'll extend the moment in editing, but it read quickly and concerned me slightly because I didn't have enough time to get all tensed up.
The only other "issue" I had was the ending. I liked it, but I felt like it ended abruptly. I was expecting more dialogue or something more from the Caretaker or Abraham. I don't know what you could do or if you really need to do anything, but for me it feels like something/a moment is missing.
Great opening voice-overs, it tells me who the character is and gives me a visual of the character as well, even though he is a dead man just laying in a coffin. Great dialogue. Good introduction to Jeb shows us already that he is up to no good. With the new dialogue put in, I can see the interaction for each other better, they fight but only because they care for one another and at the end of the day they will still be best friends. Like the ending as well, ties the whole movie together, with enough closure, but also to keep the audience talking about it as well.
Great journal, see you thought a lot about the cinematography aspect of it!
Derek, great job on what you did in the journal. I am really impressed with the level of detail you (and I imagine Roger as well) put into figuring out each technical aspect of the journal questions. What I am not seeing is why you made those choices. You seem very confident with choices such as lenses, depth of field, etc. but you don't explain narratively why these choices are the right ones. I'm sure you know the answers to these questions even though they weren't included, but I was honestly just curious to know the answers because I was so initially impressed with the work you put into the cinematography questions. However, the level of detail you put into the portion of your journal that you did do only left me even more curious about the rest of the sections, and I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with for those, as well as (especially) reference photographs. Based on your script, I have an idea of where you're going with your film, but I'd love to see the visuals from your perspective. Really excited!
As for the script, great revisions. The voiceover in the beginning is really solid and alluring. I also think that your new introduction to Jeb is a really great change. Like I said to Nick, you did an excellent job implementing feedback to really take your draft to an even higher level. I still feel a little iffy about the ending, but I am failing right now to come up with any potential ways to tweak it. I'll keep thinking about it, but overall, this really is a great improvement on a script I already really enjoyed!
Great job on all of the journal input. That’s awesome you’ve put in so much preparation already. It will definitely help keep production time less stressful and organized. I think it was a great idea to reveal Cooper and Jeb in the church scene. Having those two in attendances helps out the small town feel most early Western settlements have. I think the changes you’ve made give more character to your characters.
They’re a complex conniving yet thoughtful duo, and I feel much more interested in their characters now. The obscurement of the caretaker grabbing his riffle was a great dramatic touch, cluing the audience in, while our protagonists remain oblivious. I’m excited that you’re making a western!
I really like this idea, and I think the revisions have done a lot of good when it comes to helping your audience realize what's going on. It really sounds like something you'd hear at a funerals, and the short note of including Jeb at the funeral helps tie him together with Abraham and his wife. I also like all the stuff you added with Jeb explaining exactly why he does(n't) have a chance with her.
Cinematographically, I think it's clear that you have really put a great deal of thought into how you're going to shoot this. I think the graveyard sequences with all the tombstones could lend themselves very nicely for deeper focus shots, and I can't wait to see what you and Roger do once on site (I also like Roger's quote).
There are really only two problems I have with the script and both of them are incredibly minor and personal quibbles:
Part of me still wants to see Jeb open up that first casket just to see the dead woman, but that's not really a big deal. Moreover, I feel the script is stronger if they DON'T open it.
The other one is something I mentioned earlier: I still feel bad for that cat and all the mistreatment it gets.
Great job on the revision! I really like the voice over in the beginning, really sets up the story quite well. Especially that bit about the second chance, it sets up the theme and moral you're trying to convey. I'm really enjoying more and more Cooper's character :) For a not so smart mind, his comebacks are very witty and he does make some good points about Jeb's chances on Sarah.
Like everybody's been agreeing too, adding the duo at the on the actual funeral makes them more connected to the story and ties not just them and sarah but as the whole town all together.
Good job on your journal! you've gone more than most of us have :P
I like the intro even better than before. I think the last was beautiful and you just expanded upon it. I would have like to have seen more pictures and scenery of what you are visualizing as far the story goes. I think you focused too much on making changes in the script instead of trusting what you had, and just polishing it up a bit, then moving on to the next step in the process. I think if you find a good combination of your previous draft and the most recent one, you'll be in a great shape. I get the technical aspects of what you want to do to create your film, but I feel like it would have been well assisted to use some kind visuals more relatable to your story. Like I said before though, I think you have a great script, I think you should just trust it and really get going on pre-production. Keep up the work, trust yourself, this is going to be a great short.
This just keeps getting better and better. The ending is by far more satisfying than the first one you showed us. But I would like to show it to someone or several people in fact who have not read it before and see what they think, for I think that is where we'll get a good sense of this story went. Great opening, shorter and to the point, it feels. I like that you showed Jeb at the beginning and that we saw his interest on Abraham's wife, but to me, it felt more exciting that we met Jeb a little later in the story, just cause I was intrigued in where the story was going, and to be frank, since you spent a while describing the life of a dead man, i was then expecting for the story to be of someone else, not necessarily present in the intro. Thanks for taking the time with your journal, helped me visualize more YOUR vision...casue I kinda had another haha!
Great job, man! Keep it up!! Can't wait to see it!!!
So i really like the intro to your script. i was talking to Trentasauras Rex today and we did agree we liked it in the last script where he got kicked by his own horse. But other then that, i think you got something really solid man... i hate to keep taking trents comments, but he's a lot smarter then me and i agree so i will anyway, it did seem like you took some of the comedy away from the story especially in terms of Cooper, he seemed to have raised his intelligence a bit.
I also think that your ending is a little flat... something needs to happen to get the audience going WHOA!!!! or HOLY ANIMAL SAUSAGE!!! or What was that Donkey doing? Something like that... Ive told you this before, but IN MY OPINION which is the only opinion you should be listening to, i think everyone should die.... the irony will be.... ironic... and it'd be a neat twist... BUT thats just one very important and intelligent mans opinion ..
Good sir...
ReplyDeleteI think that you have taken an interesting twist in the changes to your story.
I really really like the opening to your film even more now. I think that the dialogue plays out in a poetic fashion that really draws the audience into your film and hooks them from the beginning. The way it flows helps us understand Abe even more than previously and attaches us to him despite the fact that we lose him right off the bat.
Adding Jeb to the funeral in his tattered best is a good move. It helps us connect the two right away. Especially when he goes to grave robbing in the same clothes, it allows us to get a good feel for the character and the fact that he clearly doesn't have as much as the others.
With that being said, there are a few things that raised a brow of mine during the reading. I think that your addition of dialogue works both well and strange in a few places. I think that it really helped Jeb and strengthened his character. I like the explanation that you gave him as far as his love for Sarah. We get a look at his mindset as to why he is going for it. It gives him a sort of justification as to why he is committing this act.
However, I think that you should take a look at Coopers dialogue. I think his character gets a little muddled in who he is. He starts off very similar to the character he was in the last draft. He lacks a formal education and seems to not have a very expansive vocabulary. Yet some of his added dialogue reads as a different character. It doesn't necessarily read to me as Tucker and Dale with moments in which they have knowledge, but it read like missed dialogue to me.
I think that your change in the ending is interesting. I want to wait and re-read it tomorrow or Wednesday because I am not sure how I feel about the change. I really liked the original ending and this change is different. I'm not sure if I am completely invested in the original and it is making it so I like this one less or what. I think that the change works well with the script alterations. I think that the fight that Jeb makes with himself in trying to dig up Abe is still there. I like the fact that it is a failed chance at redemption for him and he doesn't have any shot at it when he digs up Abe.
I'll leave another comment after I read it again later sir...
D-Man,
ReplyDeleteI like the new revisions.
I agree with Taurean in that Jeb is now a much stronger character, but Coop suffers a little. But, with how little you added to entirely change your story, I bet he could be back to good in a few lines.
I'd like to focus on the overall change in the plot. Taurean seems to be struggling with it, but if you like it I think it is stronger. Jeb's character is selfish to the point where he is digging up someone's grave to get what HE wants. But the shift in character (Jeb becomes selfless) makes him and your overall plot much stronger. In the previous script, the last half seemed to feel forced, and Jeb's character seemed confused (in both the story and in how you wrote). This ending (and entire script for that matter) seems to be VERY DEFINED and INTENTIONAL and there is something to be said in that.
Quick anecdote - I was once a bar tender, and when I first started I was green. People would ask me to make X drink or Y martini, and I would show a lack of confidence. That drink could be the best made drink ever, but if the person saw my lack of confidence, it would taste like shit! So I learned to just be confident, even if I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Your first script was great! But it lacked confidence. It was obvious you weren't 100% sure about where you wanted to end, how to get there, etc. This version, CONFIDENT. It is obvious that you made changes in the beginning that come full circle to round out the ending.
Keep up the good work! with maybe a MINOR TWEAK in action or dialogue your script will be flawless.
I don't know how much help I can be because Westerns aren't my thing and Taurean and Jason talked about most of the issues I took note about so I'll do my best…
ReplyDeleteThe line on page 1 "…and an appetite for women other than his lovely wife, Sarah." I didn't like because it felt forced. I think if you wrote it a little less obviously or in the next segment with the son that it would make that line stronger. I know that's really nit picky but the line about him making little time for his son was such a beautiful way to say he neglected his son that when you wrote about Abraham whoring around with women other than his wife it just felt off. That could just be me, but I figured I'd mention it.
I like Jeb's decision to dig up Abraham more in this draft, but I felt like his decision came to quickly. I think you'll extend the moment in editing, but it read quickly and concerned me slightly because I didn't have enough time to get all tensed up.
The only other "issue" I had was the ending. I liked it, but I felt like it ended abruptly. I was expecting more dialogue or something more from the Caretaker or Abraham. I don't know what you could do or if you really need to do anything, but for me it feels like something/a moment is missing.
I hope this helps!
Great opening voice-overs, it tells me who the character is and gives me a visual of the character as well, even though he is a dead man just laying in a coffin. Great dialogue. Good introduction to Jeb shows us already that he is up to no good. With the new dialogue put in, I can see the interaction for each other better, they fight but only because they care for one another and at the end of the day they will still be best friends. Like the ending as well, ties the whole movie together, with enough closure, but also to keep the audience talking about it as well.
ReplyDeleteGreat journal, see you thought a lot about the cinematography aspect of it!
Derek, great job on what you did in the journal. I am really impressed with the level of detail you (and I imagine Roger as well) put into figuring out each technical aspect of the journal questions. What I am not seeing is why you made those choices. You seem very confident with choices such as lenses, depth of field, etc. but you don't explain narratively why these choices are the right ones. I'm sure you know the answers to these questions even though they weren't included, but I was honestly just curious to know the answers because I was so initially impressed with the work you put into the cinematography questions. However, the level of detail you put into the portion of your journal that you did do only left me even more curious about the rest of the sections, and I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with for those, as well as (especially) reference photographs. Based on your script, I have an idea of where you're going with your film, but I'd love to see the visuals from your perspective. Really excited!
ReplyDeleteAs for the script, great revisions. The voiceover in the beginning is really solid and alluring. I also think that your new introduction to Jeb is a really great change. Like I said to Nick, you did an excellent job implementing feedback to really take your draft to an even higher level. I still feel a little iffy about the ending, but I am failing right now to come up with any potential ways to tweak it. I'll keep thinking about it, but overall, this really is a great improvement on a script I already really enjoyed!
Great job on all of the journal input. That’s awesome you’ve put in so much preparation already. It will definitely help keep production time less stressful and organized. I think it was a great idea to reveal Cooper and Jeb in the church scene. Having those two in attendances helps out the small town feel most early Western settlements have. I think the changes you’ve made give more character to your characters.
ReplyDeleteThey’re a complex conniving yet thoughtful duo, and I feel much more interested in their characters now. The obscurement of the caretaker grabbing his riffle was a great dramatic touch, cluing the audience in, while our protagonists remain oblivious. I’m excited that you’re making a western!
D-Rock
ReplyDeleteI really like this idea, and I think the revisions have done a lot of good when it comes to helping your audience realize what's going on. It really sounds like something you'd hear at a funerals, and the short note of including Jeb at the funeral helps tie him together with Abraham and his wife. I also like all the stuff you added with Jeb explaining exactly why he does(n't) have a chance with her.
Cinematographically, I think it's clear that you have really put a great deal of thought into how you're going to shoot this. I think the graveyard sequences with all the tombstones could lend themselves very nicely for deeper focus shots, and I can't wait to see what you and Roger do once on site (I also like Roger's quote).
There are really only two problems I have with the script and both of them are incredibly minor and personal quibbles:
Part of me still wants to see Jeb open up that first casket just to see the dead woman, but that's not really a big deal. Moreover, I feel the script is stronger if they DON'T open it.
The other one is something I mentioned earlier: I still feel bad for that cat and all the mistreatment it gets.
Can't wait for you to get started on this.
Derek,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the revision! I really like the voice over in the beginning, really sets up the story quite well. Especially that bit about the second chance, it sets up the theme and moral you're trying to convey. I'm really enjoying more and more Cooper's character :) For a not so smart mind, his comebacks are very witty and he does make some good points about Jeb's chances on Sarah.
Like everybody's been agreeing too, adding the duo at the on the actual funeral makes them more connected to the story and ties not just them and sarah but as the whole town all together.
Good job on your journal! you've gone more than most of us have :P
Hey Derek,
ReplyDeleteI like the intro even better than before. I think the last was beautiful and you just expanded upon it. I would have like to have seen more pictures and scenery of what you are visualizing as far the story goes. I think you focused too much on making changes in the script instead of trusting what you had, and just polishing it up a bit, then moving on to the next step in the process. I think if you find a good combination of your previous draft and the most recent one, you'll be in a great shape. I get the technical aspects of what you want to do to create your film, but I feel like it would have been well assisted to use some kind visuals more relatable to your story. Like I said before though, I think you have a great script, I think you should just trust it and really get going on pre-production. Keep up the work, trust yourself, this is going to be a great short.
This just keeps getting better and better. The ending is by far more satisfying than the first one you showed us. But I would like to show it to someone or several people in fact who have not read it before and see what they think, for I think that is where we'll get a good sense of this story went.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening, shorter and to the point, it feels. I like that you showed Jeb at the beginning and that we saw his interest on Abraham's wife, but to me, it felt more exciting that we met Jeb a little later in the story, just cause I was intrigued in where the story was going, and to be frank, since you spent a while describing the life of a dead man, i was then expecting for the story to be of someone else, not necessarily present in the intro. Thanks for taking the time with your journal, helped me visualize more YOUR vision...casue I kinda had another haha!
Great job, man! Keep it up!! Can't wait to see it!!!
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteSo i really like the intro to your script. i was talking to Trentasauras Rex today and we did agree we liked it in the last script where he got kicked by his own horse. But other then that, i think you got something really solid man... i hate to keep taking trents comments, but he's a lot smarter then me and i agree so i will anyway, it did seem like you took some of the comedy away from the story especially in terms of Cooper, he seemed to have raised his intelligence a bit.
I also think that your ending is a little flat... something needs to happen to get the audience going WHOA!!!! or HOLY ANIMAL SAUSAGE!!! or What was that Donkey doing? Something like that... Ive told you this before, but IN MY OPINION which is the only opinion you should be listening to, i think everyone should die.... the irony will be.... ironic... and it'd be a neat twist... BUT thats just one very important and intelligent mans opinion ..
okay i love you
bye