Really!? I'm the first to comment... Hmm... Well, here it goes...
I think this version is better by far. You fixed what every one was having issues about, THE DR., SOME OF THE DIALOGUE, and of course, you added an ending.
I think thats all your script really ever needed. Now, maybe a quick spell check, but no one really cares about typos.
I like how this version is a pretty solid blend between the story world and real world. It felt too real world heavy before. I like how you focus on The Father and The Daughter, and leave Pam out of it (although I do appreciate Pam's rant, feels real enough). I don't know if you intended this (lie if you didn't) but I get that the only time when The Father is coherent is during story time. I think you would be doing your story a favor if you made that blatantly clear. The only way anyone can get The Father to understand is by telling him a story. It could add a dramatic element and more of a NEED for the story.
Other than that, I don't have many other suggestions.
Wait, one NIT-PICKY THING. After Alice spills her guts, and Pam's rant, the transition back to The Father's room seems like it won't work on film. I think it would be a good idea to add a very short scene with Alice and her reaction to what just happened (like her crying in bed). Then, the audience would have a moment to soak things in before you jump back into the story. Plus, it would just look odd from and editing standpoint, to cut to the same room a day later. Make sense?
Hope all this helps!! I'm excited for both "The Gates" and "Untitled Western!!!!"
Nick, great improvement! The doctor wasn't awkward, Alice was much more believable with an attitude, and everything tied together really beautifully, great job! Unfortunately, without your journal I don't have any other feedback to give you :(
At the beginning like line: “Alice listen, it’s your dad. He isn’t doing so well.” Does she actually hear he father through the phone or is that what Pam just says to Alice. A little confused on this line of dialogue. I like seeing more of a struggle from the father. You can tell he is really out of it, doesn’t know what is going on around him and can’t really seem to figure himself out. I like the interaction between the doctor and Alice. Just make sure it doesn’t run on too much and if focuses on the point at hand. Doctor Oden gives good wisdom though to Alice, showing what type of person he is. I am a little confused on page 17 with the paragraph starting with “He fires it at her…” Maybe make this a little more clear, it becomes confusing with who does what and what happens to who. I liked your original ending with the two of them walking off with each other into the sunset. I thought that really tied the whole story together.
Great changes to your script. I think that you have taken your script in the right direction. Now you have an ending to the film which is what everyone really wanted.
My main concern is when Alice gets angry. I understand her getting upset but I really think you should try and look at it from a different direction besides saying God Dammit and Fucking. Those two curses I think hurt your film. I think that you operate in a good area and just by adding those it takes away from it. That is my suggestion...
Hi Nick! I agree with the above comments -- what you've done to your script really does seem to be in a direction that is exciting. I really think you did a great job taking people's feedback from last time. The doctor is definitely a much better interaction now, and I think I remember that being my biggest criticism of your previous draft. My biggest issue now is that I want to know more about Alice's life outside of her family, what she was doing before going home to see her dad. That's probably just a matter of my taste, but I think I would be more invested in the situation if I knew more about her as an individual. Overall, though, I think you did a great job. However, I do agree with Taurean about the swearing. It pulled me out a little bit. I also didn't really prefer the breaking of the fourth wall, but I definitely see why you chose that. Overall, you are going in a great direction. I wish we could've seen your journal because I think for yours it would help me a lot to see what you are visualizing so hopefully I will have less nit-picky feedback whenever you turn that in. I hope you're in full-on preproduction mode because this one seems like quite a bit of work, and similarly to what I said about Trent's, I think it would help you to get a head start on that and show us your journal to get as much feedback as you can in this stage.
I really appreciate the sound design you’ve incorporated into the script; taxi wipers, clock ticking, etc. I think it would help to have a little more pronounced hesitation on the part of Alice, when Pam convinces her to come visit at the start of the film. There was some, including the awkward beat, but I didn’t feel the tension from her strained past relationship with the father. Although you can definitely tell she must have her reasons, it is subtle though. The creek was a nice location choice, very fitting for contemplative Alice.
The book inscription was a great choice for character exposition. The Gates makes a lot more sense to me know in this version. Further exploring the fantasy worlds of the father’s writings helped the story out tremendously. The ending is satisfying, although I hope the tension for the final fight sequence is drawn out a bit. This version has lots of great visuals, and a much more solid story.
I really like this ending a lot more than your previous one. Not only because it has the storybook ending, but because it ends on a much brighter note. Reconciling with her dad before he passed on was nice and all, but it still ends on a downer because he still dies. This is one that avoids that more cliche ending and becomes a stronger story all around.
I agree with Taurean about the language hurting your film when Alice gets angry. It's hard for me to explain, but every time I read that part it just nags at me.
My only real problem is the fairy tale ending. I think that the defeat of the goddess should be a group effort instead of just being an action done by her father. I think it would help show the daughter's growth.
This is shaping up to be a great script and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this as it comes closer to fruition.
For a script format, I don't like that you jut say, "as Alice reads the story, images of beautiful landscapes come alive in The Father's Mind". This is very vague, man. Be more specific, not all of us share the same perception of what is "beautiful". I know you may have a clear idea, for this project I guess it's ok, just bare in mind in pro stuff people will pay close attention to that.
So far, though, I think you have a very intriguing story, but you're very much within the realms of Jason's territory. But I know you know your stuff, but careful attention to detail, production-wise, like setting and what not, is something you might want to really do so you avoid anything looking fake.
The dialogue for the most part is good, makes sense with the story. But I still sense cliche in it. Just a little bit more work on it would be cool!
And I think the Pam slapping Alice was a little of the wall, I was like, WHAT!? Would she really hit her??? Just didn't seem like it. More like a disappointed look, nothing more.
Great work! So your draft is getting better and better :) I really like everything you've done so far..I only have two concerns on your new script:
#1: I have to agree with Taurean about the language thing. Just didn't feel right after reading it. It doesn't belong to your story, just changes the tone drastically and not in a good way.
#2: Although I do like the fact that the father didn't end the story and Alice had to finish it, I feel like your climax and the defeat of the Traveler doesn't live up the the hype of the story? When I was reading it and I just feel like there would be a bigger ending, or maybe like one of us has said here, and I couldn't remember who, that maybe her defeat was more like a team effort rather than just the father defeating the traveler.
I really like the ending of this one although I do agree with Gellie and think that the stakes could've been higher and that it lasted a bit longer. I wanted to see more struggle with the fight at the end. I think that you did resolve a lot of your issues and that you are keying in on what you are you trying to accomplish.
I think it was clearer in this version that there was more conflict between the Father and Daughter. I felt they had more of a connection in the last version. I wasn't the biggest fan of the intro, because it felt to much like exposition and could be picked up with visuals. I think one more revision away from being were you want to be and really hammering down a nice, solid script. Keep up the good work.
Nicholas!!
ReplyDeleteReally!? I'm the first to comment... Hmm... Well, here it goes...
I think this version is better by far. You fixed what every one was having issues about, THE DR., SOME OF THE DIALOGUE, and of course, you added an ending.
I think thats all your script really ever needed. Now, maybe a quick spell check, but no one really cares about typos.
I like how this version is a pretty solid blend between the story world and real world. It felt too real world heavy before. I like how you focus on The Father and The Daughter, and leave Pam out of it (although I do appreciate Pam's rant, feels real enough). I don't know if you intended this (lie if you didn't) but I get that the only time when The Father is coherent is during story time. I think you would be doing your story a favor if you made that blatantly clear. The only way anyone can get The Father to understand is by telling him a story. It could add a dramatic element and more of a NEED for the story.
Other than that, I don't have many other suggestions.
Wait, one NIT-PICKY THING. After Alice spills her guts, and Pam's rant, the transition back to The Father's room seems like it won't work on film. I think it would be a good idea to add a very short scene with Alice and her reaction to what just happened (like her crying in bed). Then, the audience would have a moment to soak things in before you jump back into the story. Plus, it would just look odd from and editing standpoint, to cut to the same room a day later. Make sense?
Hope all this helps!! I'm excited for both "The Gates" and "Untitled Western!!!!"
Jason you stole the only criticism I had to give!
ReplyDeleteNick, great improvement! The doctor wasn't awkward, Alice was much more believable with an attitude, and everything tied together really beautifully, great job! Unfortunately, without your journal I don't have any other feedback to give you :(
At the beginning like line: “Alice listen, it’s your dad. He isn’t doing so well.” Does she actually hear he father through the phone or is that what Pam just says to Alice. A little confused on this line of dialogue. I like seeing more of a struggle from the father. You can tell he is really out of it, doesn’t know what is going on around him and can’t really seem to figure himself out. I like the interaction between the doctor and Alice. Just make sure it doesn’t run on too much and if focuses on the point at hand. Doctor Oden gives good wisdom though to Alice, showing what type of person he is. I am a little confused on page 17 with the paragraph starting with “He fires it at her…” Maybe make this a little more clear, it becomes confusing with who does what and what happens to who. I liked your original ending with the two of them walking off with each other into the sunset. I thought that really tied the whole story together.
ReplyDeleteNickerussssssss...
ReplyDeleteGreat changes to your script. I think that you have taken your script in the right direction. Now you have an ending to the film which is what everyone really wanted.
My main concern is when Alice gets angry. I understand her getting upset but I really think you should try and look at it from a different direction besides saying God Dammit and Fucking. Those two curses I think hurt your film. I think that you operate in a good area and just by adding those it takes away from it. That is my suggestion...
Hiiiiii....
Hi Nick! I agree with the above comments -- what you've done to your script really does seem to be in a direction that is exciting. I really think you did a great job taking people's feedback from last time. The doctor is definitely a much better interaction now, and I think I remember that being my biggest criticism of your previous draft. My biggest issue now is that I want to know more about Alice's life outside of her family, what she was doing before going home to see her dad. That's probably just a matter of my taste, but I think I would be more invested in the situation if I knew more about her as an individual. Overall, though, I think you did a great job. However, I do agree with Taurean about the swearing. It pulled me out a little bit. I also didn't really prefer the breaking of the fourth wall, but I definitely see why you chose that. Overall, you are going in a great direction. I wish we could've seen your journal because I think for yours it would help me a lot to see what you are visualizing so hopefully I will have less nit-picky feedback whenever you turn that in. I hope you're in full-on preproduction mode because this one seems like quite a bit of work, and similarly to what I said about Trent's, I think it would help you to get a head start on that and show us your journal to get as much feedback as you can in this stage.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the sound design you’ve incorporated into the script; taxi wipers, clock ticking, etc. I think it would help to have a little more pronounced hesitation on the part of Alice, when Pam convinces her to come visit at the start of the film. There was some, including the awkward beat, but I didn’t feel the tension from her strained past relationship with the father. Although you can definitely tell she must have her reasons, it is subtle though. The creek was a nice location choice, very fitting for contemplative Alice.
ReplyDeleteThe book inscription was a great choice for character exposition. The Gates makes a lot more sense to me know in this version. Further exploring the fantasy worlds of the father’s writings helped the story out tremendously. The ending is satisfying, although I hope the tension for the final fight sequence is drawn out a bit. This version has lots of great visuals, and a much more solid story.
Hey Nick
ReplyDeleteI really like this ending a lot more than your previous one. Not only because it has the storybook ending, but because it ends on a much brighter note. Reconciling with her dad before he passed on was nice and all, but it still ends on a downer because he still dies. This is one that avoids that more cliche ending and becomes a stronger story all around.
I agree with Taurean about the language hurting your film when Alice gets angry. It's hard for me to explain, but every time I read that part it just nags at me.
My only real problem is the fairy tale ending. I think that the defeat of the goddess should be a group effort instead of just being an action done by her father. I think it would help show the daughter's growth.
This is shaping up to be a great script and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this as it comes closer to fruition.
For a script format, I don't like that you jut say, "as Alice reads the story, images of beautiful landscapes come alive in The Father's Mind". This is very vague, man. Be more specific, not all of us share the same perception of what is "beautiful". I know you may have a clear idea, for this project I guess it's ok, just bare in mind in pro stuff people will pay close attention to that.
ReplyDeleteSo far, though, I think you have a very intriguing story, but you're very much within the realms of Jason's territory. But I know you know your stuff, but careful attention to detail, production-wise, like setting and what not, is something you might want to really do so you avoid anything looking fake.
The dialogue for the most part is good, makes sense with the story. But I still sense cliche in it. Just a little bit more work on it would be cool!
And I think the Pam slapping Alice was a little of the wall, I was like, WHAT!? Would she really hit her??? Just didn't seem like it. More like a disappointed look, nothing more.
And where's the journal, maaaannnnn!!!
Nick..
ReplyDeleteGreat work! So your draft is getting better and better :) I really like everything you've done so far..I only have two concerns on your new script:
#1: I have to agree with Taurean about the language thing. Just didn't feel right after reading it. It doesn't belong to your story, just changes the tone drastically and not in a good way.
#2: Although I do like the fact that the father didn't end the story and Alice had to finish it, I feel like your climax and the defeat of the Traveler doesn't live up the the hype of the story? When I was reading it and I just feel like there would be a bigger ending, or maybe like one of us has said here, and I couldn't remember who, that maybe her defeat was more like a team effort rather than just the father defeating the traveler.
That's pretty much all my concern. Great job! :)
Hey Nick,
ReplyDeleteI really like the ending of this one although I do agree with Gellie and think that the stakes could've been higher and that it lasted a bit longer. I wanted to see more struggle with the fight at the end. I think that you did resolve a lot of your issues and that you are keying in on what you are you trying to accomplish.
I think it was clearer in this version that there was more conflict between the Father and Daughter. I felt they had more of a connection in the last version. I wasn't the biggest fan of the intro, because it felt to much like exposition and could be picked up with visuals. I think one more revision away from being were you want to be and really hammering down a nice, solid script. Keep up the good work.