I don't remember the opening being so poignant before but it really sings. If you didn't change anything then I guess I didn't really get the same emotion that I got from it this time. Really well done. The V/O from the Pastor is a great way to bring it in, and with the right casting will really help grab the audience from the opening. It really drives home the thought of a second chance for everyone and with him calling for it on his deathbed shows that even at the end it can be on our minds.
Uhh dude nice ending now. I really like the direction that you have decided to go with this. It really highlights how he has gotten his second chance and even if it is at the loss of someone else's second chance. I think that the fight within Jeb is even more pronounced now and really is shown when the caretaker appears before Jeb is able to open the casket. I think that we get the questionable second chance from Abe because we wonder if he realizes what he's done and how it will impact things at the end of the film.
The biggest thing that I can say is that you have really figured out the characters in this draft. I like the fact that I can tell each character apart and how they are supposed to interact with each other. They are clearly defined in their roles and their dialogue fits their personalities a lot better this time around. I loved the interaction with Cooper and Jeb when he asks him if he would make a great father figure. It is a great moment that can break the tension of the film and will surely get a good rise out of the audience.
The only big question that I keep coming back to is the size of the cemetery. In my mind I picture a big sprawling cemetery which is filled with graves and a far off shack in the distance. I then picture Abe's grave being quite a ways from Delores' grave. However maybe I am just reading the script and picturing it wrong, but it seems like Abe's and Delores' are right by each other. Obviously this is something minute but it would change the tension of the scene depending on how far apart they are spaced in the world of your film.
Either way, you are clearly on the right path. I can really see your movie coming together and the writing really shines. You've got a talent man. A real way with the words
Derelique,
ReplyDeleteI don't remember the opening being so poignant before but it really sings. If you didn't change anything then I guess I didn't really get the same emotion that I got from it this time. Really well done. The V/O from the Pastor is a great way to bring it in, and with the right casting will really help grab the audience from the opening. It really drives home the thought of a second chance for everyone and with him calling for it on his deathbed shows that even at the end it can be on our minds.
Uhh dude nice ending now. I really like the direction that you have decided to go with this. It really highlights how he has gotten his second chance and even if it is at the loss of someone else's second chance. I think that the fight within Jeb is even more pronounced now and really is shown when the caretaker appears before Jeb is able to open the casket. I think that we get the questionable second chance from Abe because we wonder if he realizes what he's done and how it will impact things at the end of the film.
The biggest thing that I can say is that you have really figured out the characters in this draft. I like the fact that I can tell each character apart and how they are supposed to interact with each other. They are clearly defined in their roles and their dialogue fits their personalities a lot better this time around. I loved the interaction with Cooper and Jeb when he asks him if he would make a great father figure. It is a great moment that can break the tension of the film and will surely get a good rise out of the audience.
The only big question that I keep coming back to is the size of the cemetery. In my mind I picture a big sprawling cemetery which is filled with graves and a far off shack in the distance. I then picture Abe's grave being quite a ways from Delores' grave. However maybe I am just reading the script and picturing it wrong, but it seems like Abe's and Delores' are right by each other. Obviously this is something minute but it would change the tension of the scene depending on how far apart they are spaced in the world of your film.
Either way, you are clearly on the right path. I can really see your movie coming together and the writing really shines. You've got a talent man. A real way with the words