I'm just going to leave a running commentary as I go through your script.
I know it's a really small thing. But should really take a look at your punctuation and spelling. There are some sentences with the serious need for a period and also some words that are either spelled slightly wrong or completely the wrong use. I know that it may not seem like a big deal but it is just something that you should go back and look at once you have a chance to recover from all of the writing.
I was a little thrown when Alice and The Father get into it for the first time. Pam was clearly upset which led to Alice walking in. I guess I wonder why Pam came back so quickly despite the fact that she was really upset. I know that she probably understands what is really going on in the situation and she clearly loves The Father, but even she would need to have some time to herself. I guess I was a little confused why she came back so quickly. Not really a big deal but stood out to me as I read it.
I think you got your characters switched on Page 9 at the top sir.
There are a lot of changes from real world to fantasy world. Again it's small things but make sure you have your scene headers for each change. There is one from page 9 which should be marked. This will help your producer with his scheduling since he has already broken down the script. But it is now missing at least one proper scene.
I think that the turn of Alice doesn't necessarily show up on paper but I hope that it plays out a little stronger on the screen. She just jumps back into the screenplay but that is only on paper. I know that you probably have something in mind but she doesn't really grip with what she has done the night before full to me. She cries over it but she walks back in without any seeming hesitation especially to jump back into the story that has caused so much anguish. I may be reading too far into it but I feel like this moment would be really gripping. She may need to have a moment in there where she thinks about it before she goes back to reading the script.
It looks like you are missing another scene with a flashback to current fantasy land in page 19.
I absolutely love the new ending man. I really really think you have something that is compelling and really is a good film. I think that the film functions much better without the battle and the interaction between Alice and "Arthur" is great. It is well timed and with her journey really gives a much better sense of what "Arthur" was going through. Then bringing it full circle with him not recalling what happened really drives home the new found emotional attachment that Alice has for her father. I think that you have done well for your script with this new ending.
I know it isn't something that was necessarily in the script but we kind of touched on it. I would really like to see during the montage of her journey some exotic locals. I know that it is something that would make the film more difficult and I am not saying it has to happen, but I really feel like her journey would be heightened by it. It can fit in a number of places but can really stand out during her 10 year journey towards the end. I think that these locations will not only add production value but it will really show off what she had to go through during this period to get her father back. Just some food for thought.
Great progress man. I think you are clearly on the right path. Just keep on moving forward
Nicorusssss,
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to leave a running commentary as I go through your script.
I know it's a really small thing. But should really take a look at your punctuation and spelling. There are some sentences with the serious need for a period and also some words that are either spelled slightly wrong or completely the wrong use. I know that it may not seem like a big deal but it is just something that you should go back and look at once you have a chance to recover from all of the writing.
I was a little thrown when Alice and The Father get into it for the first time. Pam was clearly upset which led to Alice walking in. I guess I wonder why Pam came back so quickly despite the fact that she was really upset. I know that she probably understands what is really going on in the situation and she clearly loves The Father, but even she would need to have some time to herself. I guess I was a little confused why she came back so quickly. Not really a big deal but stood out to me as I read it.
I think you got your characters switched on Page 9 at the top sir.
There are a lot of changes from real world to fantasy world. Again it's small things but make sure you have your scene headers for each change. There is one from page 9 which should be marked. This will help your producer with his scheduling since he has already broken down the script. But it is now missing at least one proper scene.
I think that the turn of Alice doesn't necessarily show up on paper but I hope that it plays out a little stronger on the screen. She just jumps back into the screenplay but that is only on paper. I know that you probably have something in mind but she doesn't really grip with what she has done the night before full to me. She cries over it but she walks back in without any seeming hesitation especially to jump back into the story that has caused so much anguish. I may be reading too far into it but I feel like this moment would be really gripping. She may need to have a moment in there where she thinks about it before she goes back to reading the script.
It looks like you are missing another scene with a flashback to current fantasy land in page 19.
I absolutely love the new ending man. I really really think you have something that is compelling and really is a good film. I think that the film functions much better without the battle and the interaction between Alice and "Arthur" is great. It is well timed and with her journey really gives a much better sense of what "Arthur" was going through. Then bringing it full circle with him not recalling what happened really drives home the new found emotional attachment that Alice has for her father. I think that you have done well for your script with this new ending.
I know it isn't something that was necessarily in the script but we kind of touched on it. I would really like to see during the montage of her journey some exotic locals. I know that it is something that would make the film more difficult and I am not saying it has to happen, but I really feel like her journey would be heightened by it. It can fit in a number of places but can really stand out during her 10 year journey towards the end. I think that these locations will not only add production value but it will really show off what she had to go through during this period to get her father back. Just some food for thought.
Great progress man. I think you are clearly on the right path. Just keep on moving forward