Overall - Extremely well written and visual script. It comes across that you know the sport and are very passionate about it.
Things you want to be cautious about: 1) I don't know the specific word for them but the emotional directions under a characters name in a script (what's in parenthesis), you might want to take a lot of those out. It's okay to have one or two when you really want an actor to do something but if you're continually telling them how to do their job it's going to put them off. 2) Music and specific shots - You're very visual in that you know how you want the final product to look, feel and sound, but again you might want to be careful about putting it into the script. It's great for us to know, but I'm not sure the script is the place to put that information.
I'd also say that some of the dialogue needs a bit of work, I know this'll sound weird, but a lot of times the dialogued felt scripted… it felt unnatural and it took me out of the story.
With all of that said, I think you have a great script/story on your hands. It's clear from your journal that you know your character's inside and out and that translates well in your script.
I think you have a solid story here. I was familiar with most of the music, and I think most are really nice choices for the emotions of the moment. Particularly with the Radio Head song, I felt like I was watching and hearing the situation play out in an very cinematic way. The cutting of the song with a scratch was a nice touch for the awkward moment. The songs do a great job of reinforcing the desired tone of the film in a powerful way. In this case, be sure your performances ring true to the moment or risk a cheesiness factor when the familiar tunes kick in. I felt a little puzzled by the ending. As a short film, it could use a stronger sense of closure. However, since it is intended as a pilot TV episode, I think ending with the fate of a likeable character in limbo is appealing. Where are you going to find enough ice? Shooting on the ice sounds fun and challenging. I think hockey is one of the least explored sports in the world of filmmaking and your script brings to life many experiences related to the sport, many people have little familiarity with which is nice. Like a breathe of fresh air. The characters are well rounded for the most part, although some stereotypes could be avoided a little better. I very much like the idea for the opening title sequence. The montage of the current state of the world and where our lead character finds himself, does a nice job of signifying the importance of hockey in this community. It’s clearly not just a game.
Jeff.... I know you were excited about this script, but (and I HATE to say this) I am not. To be honest, I couldn't get past page 5. I think whoever wrote it is a great writer... just not screen writer. It is very visual, descriptive, and detailed, and would be EXCELLENT in a book, but not a script. I know this is not very kind, and I apologize, but I PROMISE I am not the only one who will have a tough time keeping my attention while reading this script.
A few suggestions: It DESPERATELY needs to be put in script format, especially the introduction and the descriptions. If done properly this script would go from 22 VERY CROWDED pages to 40 plus pages. THEN it needs to be trimmed. (All of this is only changing visual details without actually changing the concept of your story).
What I will say is, I like the idea that you are doing a hockey film. Regardless of the fact that I can't concentrate long enough to read more than 5 mins worth, I will watch hockey all day! It is much needed and will fit nicely along with all of the other aggressive projects our class is making collectively.
I will give reading this another shot when it goes through some construction!
Again, I'm sorry if this comes across as offensive, but I just want to be honest.
Here is an exaple of what I am trying to communicate.
This paragraph:
IN BRIAN’S ROOM WE SEE PICTURES OF HIM WITH HIS FATHER HAPPY, PICTURES OF HIM PLAYING HOCKEY AT VARIED AGES AND TEAMS, SOME TROPHIES, AWARDS, A HOCKEY JERSEY WITH HIS NAME ON IT, A FEW DISHEVELED BOXES IMPLYING HIS RECENT MOVE (THE ITEMS AROUND THE ROOM ARE OF GREATEST IMPORTANCE WHICH IS WHY THEY ARE UNBOXED ONLY, PICTURES OF HIS DAD LOOKING WEAKER OR SICKLY, PICTURES OF HIM WITH HIS FRIEND (THE NOW CURRENT CAPTAIN OF ST. MARY’S) AND PICTURE OF HIM SHAVING ICE WHILE SMACKING THE PUCK- A DEFEATED PATRICK IN THE BACKGROUND. BY THE END OF THE CREDITS WE SEE THE OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM WINDOW AND THE TOWN HE LIVES IN.
Should look more like this:
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - DAY
Scattered throughout the room is an overwhelming amount of hockey parafinalia, including pictures, trophies, and a jersey with his name on it. Other various photos show an aging Brian, while his father is progressively getting worse.
All of what was important to show in that HUGE paragraph is easily describable in two sentences. Then (depending on how your script is formatted) it could be ended like this...
As the credits end, we stop on the window outside, giving us a tiny peek into the town Brian sees everyday.
Either way, three sentences is easily breezed through while not giving the reader the as much of a chance to get sidetracked. I am pretty sure you already know about all this bullshit I just described, but thought I would say it anyways...
There is a really strong story here that I can see turning into a nice TV series. You did the right thing by incorporated characters into your first script, but right now I only really connect with less than half of them. QUESTION: Is this the first of TWO, half-hour episodes? Or ONE full hour episode? I think once you decide that you will be able to tap into your format of what you want the story to be. You walk the line between Friday Night Lights and Blue Mountain State, I find it interesting. I can this being on a ABC Family or MTV or even Spike. What will really benefit you is how much work you put into your journal. The better the journal you will have the better chance this show has of getting somewhere.
Now, I have to agree with everything Jason said. Formatting is your biggest issue. You try to put so much information into the script that it really becomes a little tricky to keep up with. That information is good to have, BUT that belongs in your journal. Flashbacks reoccur throughout your scripts, but some of them you do not write as a flash back. It is just hidden in the paragraph and becomes heavy on the eyes. Half the battle is cleaning that stuff up.
A few things, Love the twins. Totally saw the Hanson brothers while I was readin it. One thing, the dad dying is kind of more on the dramatic side. What about his parents going through a divorce? Just a thought. I think the coming of age aspect of the story is appealing, but I want to see more of these characters outside of hockey.
A Disney Story The descriptions, at times too long, are very palpable. It easily creates a complex mental picture. I got the essence of what the external happenings are, and everything makes sense; however I think that if your script talks about “Hard work and dedication is one of the most important aspects of growing up.” You should create a more 3 D character. He is very plane. If the audience really should feel his effort (adapting at his new environment and struggling against the death of his father) you must go deeper into the character; but this is just my taste. I like the visuals and its pace. It flows dynamic in my mind; specially, at the first act . I do not know exactly why, but I had the impression I was going to watch a feature film. But I do not accurately if it was because the screenplay or because your journal. You are a good “story-seller”. The answers of your journal are energetic; it gives me motivation to read it. The only thing about it is that sometimes can sound very infantile, which is not bad at all; it might limit your audience to teenagers but anyway those are the major audiences at theater- if this is what you are looking for. Some times in the screenplay the format is written as if it were narrative. Personally, it has worked for me; made me to pay more attention. To me the success of this story is making a parody of it. You can keep drama elements as the death father, but exaggerate the struggle he has to go through with a comedic finality. You have a great concept in here; you just have to “extract” what there is in there of you. In other words, put a little more of you. I think it can help: just for you, describe how the main character is feeling the first day at the new school. Describe every single classmate, every single furniture and significant object, how they move, how it smells, his first impressions of what he is seeing; how he relates it with his emotional state. Wait one day and then read it. While reading, take notes of whatever comes to you mind, I’m sure you will come up with something to make your story stronger. Exactly like page 19 where Brian speaks up saying how he feels. I think you should start in that point. He is “exploiting” in words. Have you tried to say the same without dialogue? You can express the same with his behaviors. Also, I think that you can start changing the dialogues. They are very obvious. Make them sounds more interesting; whatever interesting means for you. Play with them around until they transmit more/deeper information in a more attractive way. I hope it can help you somehow. I really enjoyed reading the script. I think it has a lot of potential. Great beginning. Sorry about my writing, let me know if it is too confused.
You have a really solid idea here, and I love the aim of a coming of age TV series that takes place in a small hockey town. It is a very gripping concept, and with some adjustments, you could have a great pilot.
Now, a couple things to really focus on:
As said before me, your formatting is an issue that creates a struggle to read and forces an issue in pacing. This is a matter that can be worked out in no time, and we would all be more than happy to help. You are extremely descriptive, and I love that you build the set for our eyes as we read, but much of the description can be eliminated... An example being that shot Jason posted.
There are opportunities for some pretty absorbing shots throughout your script, especially during the hockey game and training, but I would really like to see more of your characters off the ice as well. Being that you are doing a TV Pilot, is it necessary that we meet everyone in the first episode? Maybe we could have more of a focus on Brian's progress in overcoming his recent past. Now, I'm just spit balling here, but an idea is that Brian moves to town and he begins to take Diane away from Patrick rather than Sam, and builds relationships throughout the town as he becomes the hockey great... ? Just a thought. I know you want to focus on a group of kids, but it was too difficult to feel for all of them.
This is a cool idea my dude, and I'm looking forward to seeing the progress you make in your next draft.
Okay, so I really like your premise. I think this is a promising piece and seems like something that could get picked up by a network. It has the framework to be a promising series with lots of characters with different potential arcs. Good job!
However, I agree with the people who commented above me. The formatting made it really hard for me to follow along. Generally, I've been told that scripts should generally stick to four lines of description or less before starting a new paragraph. Otherwise, it just looks really heavy, and people won't want to read it.
You did a great job in your journal outlining all of your characters, but I just got lost in your script when I'm being introduced to all of them, without, in my opinion, really interesting, unique things about each of them to help me remember them all and keep track. My suggestion is to make the introduction to each character very unique and memorable.
I also agree with Jen that some of the dialogue felt unnatural, but I honestly feel like a lot of TV shows' dialogue feels unnatural so maybe this is the style you're going for? Maybe you could outline this more in your journal of the style your TV show will portray.
I'm not going to talk about the formatting since it has been discussed ad nauseam already.
However, I would please like you to go back and look at the grammatical section of your writing. I know that I have terrible grammar when I type so it makes me attempt to be more conscientious of if when I type. I still wind up messing up anyways, however you need to add periods to your sentences. There are a lot of them missing and it makes the dialogue and ideas flow in a difficult way to read.
I also think you should take a look at the timeline of events in your writing. When Ahmed starts training with Brian, you show a montage of them training and the calendar flipping. But afterwards, the dialogue is as if they had just finished training for the first time. Also, jumping right into a big playoff game, they had a transfer right then in the season usually wouldn't happen. Despite it being a small town, there are still rules to transfer within districts and other situations that won't allow teams to stack basically. That is what it seemed like when I read it, and I know that it doesn't necessarily have to be entranced in reality but that is what I got. It is something that I shouldn't be bothered with but it was something that pulled me out of the story rather quickly.
Adding someone like Brian to a team that has made the playoffs just doesn't seem realistic especially allowing people to embrace him as fast as they have. I've played competitively in sports at higher levels and adding people to a team is always weird. It can easily change the dynamic of a team and can even create a divide. I guess I wish you would explore that more because thrusting him onto a team that has been established as a winner would mean that the rich got richer and people wouldn't allow that to happen.
I see what you are going for with Friday Night Lights (Hockey Edition). I really like that show and it handles the everyday life in a great way and places a bigger emphasis on it than the game itself. I think the biggest thing that it did well was handled an ensemble cast. That is what is making yours tough to read for me. You have a large set of characters that your are attempting to introduce rather quickly. While I understand that you are attempting to give them all a part, much like FNL, there is still a center of the show. Be it Matt Saracen or Coach Taylor in FNL or Brian in yours. You introduce him in our opening shot with him skating and working out. I think that you gave him a great setup as a character. I found myself interested in his situation with the good use of intercutting his aunt and introducing his loss of a father. However, he basically disappeared for the rest of the script until the thing with Ahmed. While I get that we are going to learn about everyone else, it felt like with such a lead-up from him, we would use him as the POV for our story. To me, it would be interesting to see what it would be like if we followed more from him in the beginning ala FNL and then started deviating into other characters story-lines as the show goes on. I liked Brian as a moral center because he seemed like a great protagonist, he just may need a few more flaws as it goes on. I only say that because no character is flawless especially in a series, we have to see the growth.
I will say that after reading through this, I am interested in seeing which direction you plan on taking things. I would be interested to see a character arc that you have planned out for all of the characters over the course of a season. I liked Brian, not so much Patrick but that means you set him up well as the antagonist. The twins seemed good in the beginning with their banter but adding the love interest that divides them from Patrick seemed rather quick to me. Ahmed seemed interesting as a start because his situation happens so fast I feel for him but maybe not as much as I would if that injury happened later in a series.
I know that Brian doesn't easily make friends but he seems to fold under his initial conversation with Ahmed. It felt like word vomit with him spilling his guts and allowing for exposition about him. I just feel like it was almost too much of a look into him without hiding anything. Same goes with Dave, I just didn't see the reason why they are confiding in each of the two people with these innermost thoughts at the beginning of the show. It all takes place in the world of your story over a two week span so they have dumped all of their problems on someone that Dave doesn't really talk to and someone that an introverted person like Brian has known for two weeks.
I think that you have an interesting start. I am interested to see where you wind up going on your next draft of things. Take it for what its worth.
This is a very well-written and very visual script. Well done, good sir. There are some formatting issues, but I don't think that they necessarily matter at this point in your career and especially if you don't plan on becoming a screenwriter.
I'd like to give you kudos though on having a multi-character story. These are very complex and often difficult to handle, but I see so much potential in your film and I know you'll be able to pull it off. It was a little rocky to begin reading, but as I really got into the story, I was very engaged.
My main thing to be cautious about, though, is the parentheticals: be weary of using too many of them. Save them for when you really need them, otherwise you're telling your actor how to do their job and it is also wasting unnecessary space on the page.
Great start and I'm excited to see this come to fruition.
ok, I'm up to page 15, but I gotta go to class but not before stating some of my initial thoughts. Amidst all the incorrect formatting, you managed to have a very interesting story. I really like all of your characters. The flow, even though it's terribly long because you didn't form att it right, like i said, is rather good. There is a great sense of maturity in your writing and you really seem to understand this world and where each and everyone of your characters come from. So props for that, Jeff! I am really surprised. Obviously, the formatting is wrong. But there's a story in there, a good story...so far. Now, there's one thing that I'm noticing here. This doesn't seem to be or feel like a short film. It plays more like a tv movie or an hour-long episode of something. So, that said, you'd have to keep in careful consideration as to what you anna leave in and out for it does turn out to be a short, which is expected by school, and you have not cropped it out then i'm affraid it will feel rushed and all of what you wanted to say will be missed. I may be completely wrong, but by readung your story and how you wrote that's what I get. I will finish reading your script after my class which is about to start. And I will complete my thoughts. But so far, you've got yourself an interesting and appealing story here. Good job!
I like the world you've created here, and I can relate to that notion of everyone knows everyone and the drama within that. You've set up the character interaction very well and I think that you have a good idea of who each character is. I think this has potential to be a successful series. I would like to know more about where you intend to go with this after the pilot and how you go about interchanging the conflicts and how they will become resolved.
I think the audiences will eat this up. To me i'm not a fan of some of the typical problems that seem to run through sports films. For example the coach thats suppose to fired but still has the job and the parents interaction, however, since it is a series and you have the potential for going in depth with specific characters and really tuning the audience into who these people are will benefit you. I like where you're going with this story and I'd say just work on writing a lot of the behind the scens work and it may help you with your pilot and making sure you know exactly how your going to plot out the future and past events of the story.
All in all I think you're off to a good start and I'd like to just chat with you and talk about it a bit and see a little bit more of where you're going with this.
Well you know better than anyone... I am totally down with the hockey story. So before i say anything else... im jus letting you know... I'm totally auditioning for something. You know you need my less than mediocre skills on the ice. BUT ANYWAY. I really like where this is going, I definitely got a a Friday Night Lights, or a Mystery Alaska feel from it, and I love those programs. It's tough writing in a bunch of characters in such a short amount of time, I think that... and you're formatting errors made it kind of a touch read... But since I like your idea, and love hockey, I was still invested. You definitely are very familiar with all the little nuances of the game, and very descriptive. I think that, this being kind of your Pilot script or what have you, you need to concentrate your focus a bit on just a few major characters instead of like 30. And I also think that, with your script, you are kind of trying to do the directors job by giving all these characters little quirks and gestures.... let that happen in production. But anyway, I really want to hit the ice and be a part of this with you. So tighten it up, keep it simple and lets get this going. Oh, I did kind of have a problem with father flashbacks and stuff... felt too much like The Mighty Ducks... try to avoid the Disney Cliches. I know i do that too. Alrighty Bro Namath.... Quack Quack Love, Nick
I really like the "traitor" sequence in the shower. It was really confusing at first but made me really intrigued to find out why he was afraid of people calling him a traitor, and when I found out that it was because he was changing schools and playing for another team I was really surprised.
I think you should focus on that a little bit more. The scenes that took place outside of the world of hockey always pulled me out of the story because I was much more interested in finding out where that part was going instead. They weren't bad scenes or anything, but I was always waiting for them to get back to the hockey to see how it was going to develop. Which is really odd because I'm not into hockey.
I also think the ending needs to be reworked. The announcement of the coach getting fired, but the audience not seeing it happen is really confusing. It'd be like watching a movie and the final scene goes like this:
Guy: We did it! Girl: We sure did! Random person: The president's been shot!
CREDITS
So, yeah. That didn't work for me, but the rest of the hockey story really did.
I feel like you could have something here, but you need to fix your script first and foremost. It was a chore to try and read and took a lot longer than it should have because of the obscene amount of grammatical errors. Please fix that, it slows the read way down and disengages the reader, seriously.
As far as the story goes, I like it. You have done a pretty good job of introducing an army of characters while giving all of them a personality. I can definitely see the Mighty Ducks/Mystery Alaska/Miracle influence in all of this, and like Taurean mentioned, I appreciate the Friday Night Lights vibe. I think that you need to spend more time establishing that Brian is your main character, and kind of working off of that. I would also be really really careful with some of the hockey references you are using, IE- the second string reference, you and I both know there is no second string in hockey. They can get pushed down a line (but even that often has to do with chemistry or role). They can get scratched (being high school, it's unlikely, and if they are good, it's not going to happen).
Overall, I like your concept, I really do. Many people fail to recognize that development hockey is as big of a deal as it is, and your script does a fairly decent job of conveying that. I think that you need to figure out how to center this show more around Brian, and you need to build the other characters based around that. Again, please, please, fix your grammatical errors, I can deal with formatting issues, but it is awful starting and stopping and trying to figure out where punctuation should be.
Initial Reactions:
ReplyDeleteOverall - Extremely well written and visual script. It comes across that you know the sport and are very passionate about it.
Things you want to be cautious about:
1) I don't know the specific word for them but the emotional directions under a characters name in a script (what's in parenthesis), you might want to take a lot of those out. It's okay to have one or two when you really want an actor to do something but if you're continually telling them how to do their job it's going to put them off.
2) Music and specific shots - You're very visual in that you know how you want the final product to look, feel and sound, but again you might want to be careful about putting it into the script. It's great for us to know, but I'm not sure the script is the place to put that information.
I'd also say that some of the dialogue needs a bit of work, I know this'll sound weird, but a lot of times the dialogued felt scripted… it felt unnatural and it took me out of the story.
With all of that said, I think you have a great script/story on your hands. It's clear from your journal that you know your character's inside and out and that translates well in your script.
I think you have a solid story here. I was familiar with most of the music, and I think most are really nice choices for the emotions of the moment. Particularly with the Radio Head song, I felt like I was watching and hearing the situation play out in an very cinematic way. The cutting of the song with a scratch was a nice touch for the awkward moment. The songs do a great job of reinforcing the desired tone of the film in a powerful way. In this case, be sure your performances ring true to the moment or risk a cheesiness factor when the familiar tunes kick in. I felt a little puzzled by the ending. As a short film, it could use a stronger sense of closure. However, since it is intended as a pilot TV episode, I think ending with the fate of a likeable character in limbo is appealing. Where are you going to find enough ice? Shooting on the ice sounds fun and challenging. I think hockey is one of the least explored sports in the world of filmmaking and your script brings to life many experiences related to the sport, many people have little familiarity with which is nice. Like a breathe of fresh air. The characters are well rounded for the most part, although some stereotypes could be avoided a little better. I very much like the idea for the opening title sequence. The montage of the current state of the world and where our lead character finds himself, does a nice job of signifying the importance of hockey in this community. It’s clearly not just a game.
ReplyDeleteJeff.... I know you were excited about this script, but (and I HATE to say this) I am not. To be honest, I couldn't get past page 5. I think whoever wrote it is a great writer... just not screen writer. It is very visual, descriptive, and detailed, and would be EXCELLENT in a book, but not a script. I know this is not very kind, and I apologize, but I PROMISE I am not the only one who will have a tough time keeping my attention while reading this script.
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions: It DESPERATELY needs to be put in script format, especially the introduction and the descriptions. If done properly this script would go from 22 VERY CROWDED pages to 40 plus pages. THEN it needs to be trimmed. (All of this is only changing visual details without actually changing the concept of your story).
What I will say is, I like the idea that you are doing a hockey film. Regardless of the fact that I can't concentrate long enough to read more than 5 mins worth, I will watch hockey all day! It is much needed and will fit nicely along with all of the other aggressive projects our class is making collectively.
I will give reading this another shot when it goes through some construction!
Again, I'm sorry if this comes across as offensive, but I just want to be honest.
Here is an exaple of what I am trying to communicate.
ReplyDeleteThis paragraph:
IN BRIAN’S ROOM WE SEE PICTURES OF HIM WITH HIS FATHER HAPPY,
PICTURES OF HIM PLAYING HOCKEY AT VARIED AGES AND TEAMS, SOME
TROPHIES, AWARDS, A HOCKEY JERSEY WITH HIS NAME ON IT, A FEW
DISHEVELED BOXES IMPLYING HIS RECENT MOVE (THE ITEMS AROUND
THE ROOM ARE OF GREATEST IMPORTANCE WHICH IS WHY THEY ARE
UNBOXED ONLY, PICTURES OF HIS DAD LOOKING WEAKER OR SICKLY,
PICTURES OF HIM WITH HIS FRIEND (THE NOW CURRENT CAPTAIN OF
ST. MARY’S) AND PICTURE OF HIM SHAVING ICE WHILE SMACKING THE
PUCK- A DEFEATED PATRICK IN THE BACKGROUND. BY THE END OF THE
CREDITS WE SEE THE OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM WINDOW AND THE TOWN
HE LIVES IN.
Should look more like this:
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - DAY
Scattered throughout the room is an overwhelming amount of hockey parafinalia, including pictures, trophies, and a jersey with his name on it. Other various photos show an aging Brian, while his father is progressively getting worse.
All of what was important to show in that HUGE paragraph is easily describable in two sentences. Then (depending on how your script is formatted) it could be ended like this...
As the credits end, we stop on the window outside, giving us a tiny peek into the town Brian sees everyday.
Either way, three sentences is easily breezed through while not giving the reader the as much of a chance to get sidetracked. I am pretty sure you already know about all this bullshit I just described, but thought I would say it anyways...
There is a really strong story here that I can see turning into a nice TV series. You did the right thing by incorporated characters into your first script, but right now I only really connect with less than half of them. QUESTION: Is this the first of TWO, half-hour episodes? Or ONE full hour episode? I think once you decide that you will be able to tap into your format of what you want the story to be. You walk the line between Friday Night Lights and Blue Mountain State, I find it interesting. I can this being on a ABC Family or MTV or even Spike. What will really benefit you is how much work you put into your journal. The better the journal you will have the better chance this show has of getting somewhere.
ReplyDeleteNow, I have to agree with everything Jason said. Formatting is your biggest issue. You try to put so much information into the script that it really becomes a little tricky to keep up with. That information is good to have, BUT that belongs in your journal. Flashbacks reoccur throughout your scripts, but some of them you do not write as a flash back. It is just hidden in the paragraph and becomes heavy on the eyes. Half the battle is cleaning that stuff up.
A few things, Love the twins. Totally saw the Hanson brothers while I was readin it. One thing, the dad dying is kind of more on the dramatic side. What about his parents going through a divorce? Just a thought. I think the coming of age aspect of the story is appealing, but I want to see more of these characters outside of hockey.
A Disney Story
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions, at times too long, are very palpable. It easily creates a complex mental picture. I got the essence of what the external happenings are, and everything makes sense; however I think that if your script talks about “Hard work and dedication is one of the most important aspects of growing up.” You should create a more 3 D character. He is very plane. If the audience really should feel his effort (adapting at his new environment and struggling against the death of his father) you must go deeper into the character; but this is just my taste.
I like the visuals and its pace. It flows dynamic in my mind; specially, at the first act . I do not know exactly why, but I had the impression I was going to watch a feature film. But I do not accurately if it was because the screenplay or because your journal. You are a good “story-seller”. The answers of your journal are energetic; it gives me motivation to read it. The only thing about it is that sometimes can sound very infantile, which is not bad at all; it might limit your audience to teenagers but anyway those are the major audiences at theater- if this is what you are looking for.
Some times in the screenplay the format is written as if it were narrative. Personally, it has worked for me; made me to pay more attention.
To me the success of this story is making a parody of it. You can keep drama elements as the death father, but exaggerate the struggle he has to go through with a comedic finality.
You have a great concept in here; you just have to “extract” what there is in there of you. In other words, put a little more of you. I think it can help: just for you, describe how the main character is feeling the first day at the new school. Describe every single classmate, every single furniture and significant object, how they move, how it smells, his first impressions of what he is seeing; how he relates it with his emotional state. Wait one day and then read it. While reading, take notes of whatever comes to you mind, I’m sure you will come up with something to make your story stronger.
Exactly like page 19 where Brian speaks up saying how he feels. I think you should start in that point. He is “exploiting” in words. Have you tried to say the same without dialogue? You can express the same with his behaviors.
Also, I think that you can start changing the dialogues. They are very obvious. Make them sounds more interesting; whatever interesting means for you. Play with them around until they transmit more/deeper information in a more attractive way.
I hope it can help you somehow. I really enjoyed reading the script. I think it has a lot of potential. Great beginning.
Sorry about my writing, let me know if it is too confused.
You have a really solid idea here, and I love the aim of a coming of age TV series that takes place in a small hockey town. It is a very gripping concept, and with some adjustments, you could have a great pilot.
ReplyDeleteNow, a couple things to really focus on:
As said before me, your formatting is an issue that creates a struggle to read and forces an issue in pacing. This is a matter that can be worked out in no time, and we would all be more than happy to help. You are extremely descriptive, and I love that you build the set for our eyes as we read, but much of the description can be eliminated... An example being that shot Jason posted.
There are opportunities for some pretty absorbing shots throughout your script, especially during the hockey game and training, but I would really like to see more of your characters off the ice as well. Being that you are doing a TV Pilot, is it necessary that we meet everyone in the first episode? Maybe we could have more of a focus on Brian's progress in overcoming his recent past. Now, I'm just spit balling here, but an idea is that Brian moves to town and he begins to take Diane away from Patrick rather than Sam, and builds relationships throughout the town as he becomes the hockey great... ? Just a thought. I know you want to focus on a group of kids, but it was too difficult to feel for all of them.
This is a cool idea my dude, and I'm looking forward to seeing the progress you make in your next draft.
Okay, so I really like your premise. I think this is a promising piece and seems like something that could get picked up by a network. It has the framework to be a promising series with lots of characters with different potential arcs. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I agree with the people who commented above me. The formatting made it really hard for me to follow along. Generally, I've been told that scripts should generally stick to four lines of description or less before starting a new paragraph. Otherwise, it just looks really heavy, and people won't want to read it.
You did a great job in your journal outlining all of your characters, but I just got lost in your script when I'm being introduced to all of them, without, in my opinion, really interesting, unique things about each of them to help me remember them all and keep track. My suggestion is to make the introduction to each character very unique and memorable.
I also agree with Jen that some of the dialogue felt unnatural, but I honestly feel like a lot of TV shows' dialogue feels unnatural so maybe this is the style you're going for? Maybe you could outline this more in your journal of the style your TV show will portray.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to talk about the formatting since it has been discussed ad nauseam already.
However, I would please like you to go back and look at the grammatical section of your writing. I know that I have terrible grammar when I type so it makes me attempt to be more conscientious of if when I type. I still wind up messing up anyways, however you need to add periods to your sentences. There are a lot of them missing and it makes the dialogue and ideas flow in a difficult way to read.
I also think you should take a look at the timeline of events in your writing. When Ahmed starts training with Brian, you show a montage of them training and the calendar flipping. But afterwards, the dialogue is as if they had just finished training for the first time. Also, jumping right into a big playoff game, they had a transfer right then in the season usually wouldn't happen. Despite it being a small town, there are still rules to transfer within districts and other situations that won't allow teams to stack basically. That is what it seemed like when I read it, and I know that it doesn't necessarily have to be entranced in reality but that is what I got. It is something that I shouldn't be bothered with but it was something that pulled me out of the story rather quickly.
Adding someone like Brian to a team that has made the playoffs just doesn't seem realistic especially allowing people to embrace him as fast as they have. I've played competitively in sports at higher levels and adding people to a team is always weird. It can easily change the dynamic of a team and can even create a divide. I guess I wish you would explore that more because thrusting him onto a team that has been established as a winner would mean that the rich got richer and people wouldn't allow that to happen.
I see what you are going for with Friday Night Lights (Hockey Edition). I really like that show and it handles the everyday life in a great way and places a bigger emphasis on it than the game itself. I think the biggest thing that it did well was handled an ensemble cast. That is what is making yours tough to read for me. You have a large set of characters that your are attempting to introduce rather quickly. While I understand that you are attempting to give them all a part, much like FNL, there is still a center of the show. Be it Matt Saracen or Coach Taylor in FNL or Brian in yours. You introduce him in our opening shot with him skating and working out. I think that you gave him a great setup as a character. I found myself interested in his situation with the good use of intercutting his aunt and introducing his loss of a father. However, he basically disappeared for the rest of the script until the thing with Ahmed. While I get that we are going to learn about everyone else, it felt like with such a lead-up from him, we would use him as the POV for our story. To me, it would be interesting to see what it would be like if we followed more from him in the beginning ala FNL and then started deviating into other characters story-lines as the show goes on. I liked Brian as a moral center because he seemed like a great protagonist, he just may need a few more flaws as it goes on. I only say that because no character is flawless especially in a series, we have to see the growth.
ReplyDeleteI will say that after reading through this, I am interested in seeing which direction you plan on taking things. I would be interested to see a character arc that you have planned out for all of the characters over the course of a season. I liked Brian, not so much Patrick but that means you set him up well as the antagonist. The twins seemed good in the beginning with their banter but adding the love interest that divides them from Patrick seemed rather quick to me. Ahmed seemed interesting as a start because his situation happens so fast I feel for him but maybe not as much as I would if that injury happened later in a series.
I know that Brian doesn't easily make friends but he seems to fold under his initial conversation with Ahmed. It felt like word vomit with him spilling his guts and allowing for exposition about him. I just feel like it was almost too much of a look into him without hiding anything. Same goes with Dave, I just didn't see the reason why they are confiding in each of the two people with these innermost thoughts at the beginning of the show. It all takes place in the world of your story over a two week span so they have dumped all of their problems on someone that Dave doesn't really talk to and someone that an introverted person like Brian has known for two weeks.
I think that you have an interesting start. I am interested to see where you wind up going on your next draft of things. Take it for what its worth.
Jeff:
ReplyDeleteThis is a very well-written and very visual script. Well done, good sir. There are some formatting issues, but I don't think that they necessarily matter at this point in your career and especially if you don't plan on becoming a screenwriter.
I'd like to give you kudos though on having a multi-character story. These are very complex and often difficult to handle, but I see so much potential in your film and I know you'll be able to pull it off. It was a little rocky to begin reading, but as I really got into the story, I was very engaged.
My main thing to be cautious about, though, is the parentheticals: be weary of using too many of them. Save them for when you really need them, otherwise you're telling your actor how to do their job and it is also wasting unnecessary space on the page.
Great start and I'm excited to see this come to fruition.
ok, I'm up to page 15, but I gotta go to class but not before stating some of my initial thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmidst all the incorrect formatting, you managed to have a very interesting story. I really like all of your characters. The flow, even though it's terribly long because you didn't form att it right, like i said, is rather good. There is a great sense of maturity in your writing and you really seem to understand this world and where each and everyone of your characters come from. So props for that, Jeff! I am really surprised. Obviously, the formatting is wrong. But there's a story in there, a good story...so far.
Now, there's one thing that I'm noticing here. This doesn't seem to be or feel like a short film. It plays more like a tv movie or an hour-long episode of something. So, that said, you'd have to keep in careful consideration as to what you anna leave in and out for it does turn out to be a short, which is expected by school, and you have not cropped it out then i'm affraid it will feel rushed and all of what you wanted to say will be missed. I may be completely wrong, but by readung your story and how you wrote that's what I get.
I will finish reading your script after my class which is about to start. And I will complete my thoughts. But so far, you've got yourself an interesting and appealing story here. Good job!
Hey Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI like the world you've created here, and I can relate to that notion of everyone knows everyone and the drama within that. You've set up the character interaction very well and I think that you have a good idea of who each character is. I think this has potential to be a successful series. I would like to know more about where you intend to go with this after the pilot and how you go about interchanging the conflicts and how they will become resolved.
I think the audiences will eat this up. To me i'm not a fan of some of the typical problems that seem to run through sports films. For example the coach thats suppose to fired but still has the job and the parents interaction, however, since it is a series and you have the potential for going in depth with specific characters and really tuning the audience into who these people are will benefit you. I like where you're going with this story and I'd say just work on writing a lot of the behind the scens work and it may help you with your pilot and making sure you know exactly how your going to plot out the future and past events of the story.
All in all I think you're off to a good start and I'd like to just chat with you and talk about it a bit and see a little bit more of where you're going with this.
OH Whats up home skillet!?
ReplyDeleteWell you know better than anyone... I am totally down with the hockey story. So before i say anything else... im jus letting you know... I'm totally auditioning for something. You know you need my less than mediocre skills on the ice.
BUT ANYWAY.
I really like where this is going, I definitely got a a Friday Night Lights, or a Mystery Alaska feel from it, and I love those programs. It's tough writing in a bunch of characters in such a short amount of time, I think that... and you're formatting errors made it kind of a touch read... But since I like your idea, and love hockey, I was still invested. You definitely are very familiar with all the little nuances of the game, and very descriptive. I think that, this being kind of your Pilot script or what have you, you need to concentrate your focus a bit on just a few major characters instead of like 30. And I also think that, with your script, you are kind of trying to do the directors job by giving all these characters little quirks and gestures.... let that happen in production.
But anyway, I really want to hit the ice and be a part of this with you. So tighten it up, keep it simple and lets get this going.
Oh, I did kind of have a problem with father flashbacks and stuff... felt too much like The Mighty Ducks... try to avoid the Disney Cliches. I know i do that too.
Alrighty Bro Namath.... Quack Quack
Love,
Nick
Hey Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI really like the "traitor" sequence in the shower. It was really confusing at first but made me really intrigued to find out why he was afraid of people calling him a traitor, and when I found out that it was because he was changing schools and playing for another team I was really surprised.
I think you should focus on that a little bit more. The scenes that took place outside of the world of hockey always pulled me out of the story because I was much more interested in finding out where that part was going instead. They weren't bad scenes or anything, but I was always waiting for them to get back to the hockey to see how it was going to develop. Which is really odd because I'm not into hockey.
I also think the ending needs to be reworked. The announcement of the coach getting fired, but the audience not seeing it happen is really confusing. It'd be like watching a movie and the final scene goes like this:
Guy: We did it!
Girl: We sure did!
Random person: The president's been shot!
CREDITS
So, yeah. That didn't work for me, but the rest of the hockey story really did.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI feel like you could have something here, but you need to fix your script first and foremost. It was a chore to try and read and took a lot longer than it should have because of the obscene amount of grammatical errors. Please fix that, it slows the read way down and disengages the reader, seriously.
As far as the story goes, I like it. You have done a pretty good job of introducing an army of characters while giving all of them a personality. I can definitely see the Mighty Ducks/Mystery Alaska/Miracle influence in all of this, and like Taurean mentioned, I appreciate the Friday Night Lights vibe. I think that you need to spend more time establishing that Brian is your main character, and kind of working off of that. I would also be really really careful with some of the hockey references you are using, IE- the second string reference, you and I both know there is no second string in hockey. They can get pushed down a line (but even that often has to do with chemistry or role). They can get scratched (being high school, it's unlikely, and if they are good, it's not going to happen).
Overall, I like your concept, I really do. Many people fail to recognize that development hockey is as big of a deal as it is, and your script does a fairly decent job of conveying that. I think that you need to figure out how to center this show more around Brian, and you need to build the other characters based around that. Again, please, please, fix your grammatical errors, I can deal with formatting issues, but it is awful starting and stopping and trying to figure out where punctuation should be.