Wow Jesus! Well done, I loved you script! I would really like to see your journal to give you better feedback, but at this point in time I'll just say that you did a great job. The dialogue for the most part felt natural and real, I was interested in your characters from start to finish, and I wanted to keep reading. The title is intriguing and adds another dimension to your story, it left me trying to figure out if Alec dreamt the whole thing up or if it really happened. And again I wish I had your journal, because I really don't have anything else to say :( If you submit a journal before class on Thursday let me know and I'll try to give you more feedback!
Hey Jen! Thanks so much! I'm very glad you liked it. I will be turning in my journal later tonight for something delayed me and prevented me from turning it in on time. But I would really appreciate your feedback so I'll let you know. Thanks again! :)
Really great writing Jesus, I was able to visualize every scene, get a good feeling for the characters and feel left in the dark (in a good way) to where the story was going. The only thing I got from Alec, was that from the ending, he was a nazi follower and was passionate about politics. Other than that I don't know much about him, I want to learn more about him, about his past and events that transcribe his feelings toward the state rep. I didn't really understand the dream sequence of it and how it tied into the whole story, espically when it cuts to the sand dunes, kinda through me off a little. I like the ending, it gives a sense of realism, that something things are just to much to handle for a person and the best outcome is to walk away and separate themselves from the situation. All in all great script.
Good job Jesus! Your script has already evolved from the concept we discussed, not in a great way, but not in a bad way either. I think it's definitely low key compared to what I had in mind (there's no over the top action... BOO!) but it does really hit on all the subjects you were intrigued in. That being said, here are a couple suggestions I can think of.
Title: I'm going to pull a C.A. Griffith here and say change it. "Lucid Dreaming" is not what your film is about. It is catchy, but when people watch your flick they will be expecting one thing and I think they will be thrown off by what they get, and you do not want people to be distracted by something as stupid as a title.
Alec's beef with Colleen: I think you should really think about why Alec wants to kill Colleen's character. I don't know if you should change it, but just consider it. As with my story, the audience need BELIEVABLE (or at least believable for your character) motivation for doing something as drastic as suicide or murder. This is tricky.
Other than a few minor tweaks, I think you have a pretty damn good capstone on your hands!
Jesus, this is an effective drama. I only have a few subjects I would like to mention. You switch point of views in your script, I think you should go back and decide which point of view you really want the story to be told from. Right now, I don't really find the 'dream' sequences with Alec that effective, I'm not really sure what they are setting up. I think something that could be explored is the actual relationship between Alec and Jack. How far does it go back? How good of friends are they? Has Alec's slide into this madness been there from the beginning or has it just appeared randomly. Why didn't Jack notice that Alec's parents were gone earlier?
There are a few moments in your script where you right Jack, when I think you meant to write Alec and vice versa. I would suggest trying to tell the story from Jack's point of view because right now, I do not like Alec is a character. It is hard for me to connect with him because I do not understand much about him. I get a real taxi driver feel from this but I'm just not really interested in the Alec character.
I felt very attracted with your SILENCE as beginning, but the followed WS indicator broke my moment. You do not need it. ex: Silence. Alec Harris, bald…. , it works better as a hang.
The title, doesn’t work for me. It sound as it doesn’t go with the story.
I think you did a great job with dialogues. The world of your story is the most of the time believable for me, I just get some kind of lost at a times; I felt that I am missing anything but I am not sure what it is. It is like the sensation that you omitted info that I really need to know; But I cannot say specifically where in the script.
The themes established in your story sound more “responsible/consciously used” than the rest of the movies you wrote before. I think that it is good. The name Callahan distracts me.
This is for now; I will read it later again and try to tell you more. In general very good job! You have a well written script and your story goes in the right direction.
Reading your film journal was really, really helpful for me to understand your story. I think more than after reading other journals, I really identified more with your story after seeing your perspective of why you want to make it. I really respect the time and effort you put into your journal and your inspiration for your story.
So... I agree that the title is not the best. I think lucid dreaming is very intriguing, but it doesn't fit with what the plot of your script actually is. However, I love that you included it as an element of the story.
There is one big problem I have with the dialogue. When Alec is explaining lucid dreaming to Jack, it just feels false. I personally feel like the concept of lucid dreaming is pretty well-known, so I don't think you need this dialogue to spell out what it means, and as it stands this conversation feels like basically Jack as a device to ask questions so the audience is up to speed on the concept. Either make this dialogue come about more naturally, or find a different way to talk about the lucid dreaming. This scene for some reason just feels to me like a typical question and answer scene so the audience is filled in. I hope you find a more creative solution because otherwise I really like your concept!
Also, I read your script before I read your journal, so after reading your script I was going to make a comment about why people this young would think to kill a politician. Then I read the journal to see that they are older than I thought. Then I went back to your script to realize that you did indicate ages; I had just forgotten. That's my fault. However, I wanted to include this note because the characters feel younger based on dialogue than what you intend on them being. I'm not sure if that's just my interpretation or what, but a solution would be to just go through the dialogue and see if there are any subtle ways to make it feel more mature or older. That's probably a matter of preference, though.
Great start Jesus. I like the touches of modernity you gave the story, such as Alec using his cell phone for a flashlight. It’s a small thing but the little things add up. The name Callahan should probably be changed. Reference the movie Tommy Boy. There are some typos and a couple occasions where the dialogue is under the wrong persons name, but thanks no big deal. Along the lines of what Trent said, the audience needs to have a stronger connection with Alec. By the end of the story, I had now idea why Jack felt regretful about leaving his clearly unstable friend. He seems more than justified in leaving him for his personal safety. Does he make an attempt to find his friend help? I think we need to know more about how Alec got to the condition he now finds himself in in regards to his parents, friends, and his fixation on Callahan. Can we at least get a hint at why his parents abandoned him? Although the story is primarily focused on Alec, I felt much more sympathy for the plight of Jack due to the bizarre ordeal he is faced with. The audience just needs to understand the struggles of Alec better in order to really identify with him. How is Mein Kampf related to the political ideology of Alec and his disdain for Callahan in particular? Can’t wait to see it! I think it’s ironic that Alec rants about the uninformed masses to Jack. Jack takes offense, yet Jack is the one with the library in his room. Was this intentional?
Wow, Jesus. Your writing is pretty darn good. It's a great start and I'm really looking forward to seeing this film play out! I know that this is a little close to home as the shooting of the politician in Tucson was fairly recent, but I think you've played it off well enough that your motivations and your story isn't verbatim what happened there, which was my initial concern when I began reading. Like Jennifer, I downloaded all the material right after 9am so I could review them all and I didn't get to your film journal until after I'd read your script, but reading it now has really helped me to understand and appreciate your script even more. The things that bugged me most were the occasional typos and such, but that happens to everybody, especially on a first draft.
Great start and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I think that you have an interesting start and framework for your capstone. I think that delving into the psyche of someone that is willing to take the life of another person is something that can be interesting to explore. With that being said, I really hope that you are ready to do the research involved with such an emotionally gripping, charged and draining subject matter. It is a tough line to walk because of how many people are connected to such events but it can make for some interesting emotional sequencing.
I think there is something very fascinating with the human psyche. I think that what you have here with your script is the framework for an incredibly character-drive drama. I don't think that the film exists well with the lack of story. I don't mean it in a way that you don't have any story, but more that we are looking into the emotional state of this character and what makes him tick and do what he does. That is what is going to draw people to your film in my opinion, and that is something that you have noted in your journal when referencing actors, that is going to be of utmost importance. You are going to need to be able to have someone delve into that emotional state and be able to allow that to come across on screen in a way that hits home. Or even access the audiences true "psycho-emotional instrument" (How's that Collis?).
With that being said, I think that there are some things that you are going to do in order for your script to reach it's full potential. I think that the biggest thing that strikes me right now is the lack of a moral center of the film. I'm not saying in the way that it needs to be simply good or bad, but we need to know which character we are using to gauge the world around them. Whether it is an anti-hero or a true protagonist, we need to have that person as a gauge to decide the actions that they take. This part is confusing to me with your script. I don't know whether or not to like Alec or even Jack for that matter. It is as if, you don't know which character you want the focus of your film to be on. I get that you want us to reach out to someone afterwards or even to understand what may drive people to that decision but it seems like they both hover around the main character of the story. Should you choose which character to be our moral compass and focus on them I think it will help strengthen the characters and the story.
With that being said, I think that should you decide to do that. You need to realize the impact of choosing a character will have on your film. Each character tells a truly different story in your film and they have a different perspective. I think that Alec is interesting because of his truly "lucid" dream state and the fact that we don't really know what is going on with him and why he does that. From what I gathered in your film journal, it seemed like we were supposed to take his side in things and feel a sense of tension and wanting to reach out to someone afterwards. As it stands right now, I don't have a true connection to either character and I didn't really feel anything gripping between them. With that being said, you can almost make the same argument for choosing Jack. The audience may relate better to him because he is known as a more morally contentious person who doesn't think what Alec is doing is right. That can be easier to take in and can allow for the audience to side with him and decide to reach out to someone. However, that is also what I would see as the more predictable way to go and thus you may truly lose some of the impact that you have written in what drives you towards this film.
I think that you should also take a look at what the connection between these two characters really is and why we should even care about them. I think that is such an important piece of your film and right now it needs more. I want to like the characters in your story. Not necessarily morally, but I want them to be someone that draws an emotion out of the audience to help you create your story. I don't know enough about either of them to truly do that. While you may not need to add loads of exposition into it, you need to find a way to showcase how they interact with one another and what kind of real relationship they have. Or how the interact with the world around them. As of right now, I feel like I was just helicoptered into a scene and then flew away. I don't get any sense of who they are, or why his parents left, or why he doesn't like video games, or how the banjo helps him escape. I wish there was something more to them to allow me to then feel some sort of way for them emotionally after it is over. The way it plays out right now, since I don't know enough about them together or maybe because I am not invested in each character enough I don't really feel for Jack when he walks away. I feel a little bad for Alec but not as much as I really should if he is truly reaching out for help.
I'm sure you've seen it, but films such as American History X and Higher Learning, while they deal with more racially charged situations, both delve into the psyche around such actions. They both handle them (while not perfectly) in ways that make you feel something for these clearly flawed characters. That is the feeling I get from your journal and script and I hope that you take a look at films along those lines that deal with similar situations or even television shows such as The Shield where we grow to care about these flawed characters and why we care, be it good or bad.
I think you're off to a great start and can see your interest in these characters. I would like it if you did more research on how young killers behave and certain mannerisms and ideas that run through their head. I think you could take this a few steps forward and really get into the nitty gritty of things. I think that you should watch Mr. Brooks if you haven't seen it already. I think it is a movie that has been very carefully constructed and it involves a man who is a serial killer and some one who essentially becomes his apprentice in spite of being caught in the act. I think that the feel of the film is similar to this one, where it has some intense moments, but there is also some things that are up in the air. I'd also like to talk more about it with you in person and to see what ideas and thoughts you have running in your mind about the story.
Dude... i really liked your script. Your main character was really intriguing, and I was quite intimidated by this dude. He really reminded me of De Niro in Taxi driver and I definitely thought this was going in the direction of the Tucson shootings. It was very dark and interesting.
That being said, i did have a few problems. First of all with Jack.. I really didn't think he was that necessary to the story. I think your movie would be way more interesting if he was just out of the picture, and you just focused on the madness of Alec. And maybe that madness is created be his seclusion. I also think that the Lucid Dreaming stuff didn't really fit in it either. It was just kind of there, and i didn't pick up on the symbology of it.
But other then those things, awesome job my friend.
Wow... Let's just get this out of the way: I loved Alec. From the moment I read his first line I started thinking "This guy's dangerous," which is a feeling that carried out throughout the entire project. He seemed like the classic renegade sociopath. Very Rorschach from Watchmen, especially since when he called her plans obnoxious. And when it gets revealed that he's actually making things up, I started wondering whether or not he was inspired by Jared Loughner and wanting to steal a few glances at the ending.
I like the title, and I think lucid dreaming could really be used effectively, but it didn't really pan out the way I was expecting. I was wondering if Jack was going to end up part of his lucid dreams, or if it was all a dream to begin with. I think he should kill her in a dream, but reveal it is a dream when talking to Jack.
I enjoyed your script, overall you have a very tense piece of material here and I think that you have a pretty solid pay off in the end. Your character development was strong and you get a good sense of both characters. I also like the little things you do that raise intrigue in your readers, for example your introduction of the dream journal. My only suggestion would be to work on a little bit of your dialogue and trim down some of the fatty areas. Overall, good work and I look forward to seeing how this script progresses.
Wow Jesus! Well done, I loved you script! I would really like to see your journal to give you better feedback, but at this point in time I'll just say that you did a great job. The dialogue for the most part felt natural and real, I was interested in your characters from start to finish, and I wanted to keep reading. The title is intriguing and adds another dimension to your story, it left me trying to figure out if Alec dreamt the whole thing up or if it really happened. And again I wish I had your journal, because I really don't have anything else to say :( If you submit a journal before class on Thursday let me know and I'll try to give you more feedback!
ReplyDeleteHey Jen! Thanks so much! I'm very glad you liked it. I will be turning in my journal later tonight for something delayed me and prevented me from turning it in on time. But I would really appreciate your feedback so I'll let you know. Thanks again! :)
ReplyDeleteReally great writing Jesus, I was able to visualize every scene, get a good feeling for the characters and feel left in the dark (in a good way) to where the story was going. The only thing I got from Alec, was that from the ending, he was a nazi follower and was passionate about politics. Other than that I don't know much about him, I want to learn more about him, about his past and events that transcribe his feelings toward the state rep. I didn't really understand the dream sequence of it and how it tied into the whole story, espically when it cuts to the sand dunes, kinda through me off a little. I like the ending, it gives a sense of realism, that something things are just to much to handle for a person and the best outcome is to walk away and separate themselves from the situation. All in all great script.
ReplyDeleteGood job Jesus! Your script has already evolved from the concept we discussed, not in a great way, but not in a bad way either. I think it's definitely low key compared to what I had in mind (there's no over the top action... BOO!) but it does really hit on all the subjects you were intrigued in. That being said, here are a couple suggestions I can think of.
ReplyDeleteTitle: I'm going to pull a C.A. Griffith here and say change it. "Lucid Dreaming" is not what your film is about. It is catchy, but when people watch your flick they will be expecting one thing and I think they will be thrown off by what they get, and you do not want people to be distracted by something as stupid as a title.
Alec's beef with Colleen: I think you should really think about why Alec wants to kill Colleen's character. I don't know if you should change it, but just consider it. As with my story, the audience need BELIEVABLE (or at least believable for your character) motivation for doing something as drastic as suicide or murder. This is tricky.
Other than a few minor tweaks, I think you have a pretty damn good capstone on your hands!
Jesus, this is an effective drama. I only have a few subjects I would like to mention. You switch point of views in your script, I think you should go back and decide which point of view you really want the story to be told from. Right now, I don't really find the 'dream' sequences with Alec that effective, I'm not really sure what they are setting up. I think something that could be explored is the actual relationship between Alec and Jack. How far does it go back? How good of friends are they? Has Alec's slide into this madness been there from the beginning or has it just appeared randomly. Why didn't Jack notice that Alec's parents were gone earlier?
ReplyDeleteThere are a few moments in your script where you right Jack, when I think you meant to write Alec and vice versa. I would suggest trying to tell the story from Jack's point of view because right now, I do not like Alec is a character. It is hard for me to connect with him because I do not understand much about him. I get a real taxi driver feel from this but I'm just not really interested in the Alec character.
Do not sit behind me anymore.
ReplyDeleteI felt very attracted with your SILENCE as beginning, but the followed WS indicator broke my moment. You do not need it. ex: Silence. Alec Harris, bald…. , it works better as a hang.
The title, doesn’t work for me. It sound as it doesn’t go with the story.
I think you did a great job with dialogues. The world of your story is the most of the time believable for me, I just get some kind of lost at a times; I felt that I am missing anything but I am not sure what it is. It is like the sensation that you omitted info that I really need to know; But I cannot say specifically where in the script.
The themes established in your story sound more “responsible/consciously used” than the rest of the movies you wrote before. I think that it is good.
The name Callahan distracts me.
This is for now; I will read it later again and try to tell you more. In general very good job! You have a well written script and your story goes in the right direction.
Reading your film journal was really, really helpful for me to understand your story. I think more than after reading other journals, I really identified more with your story after seeing your perspective of why you want to make it. I really respect the time and effort you put into your journal and your inspiration for your story.
ReplyDeleteSo... I agree that the title is not the best. I think lucid dreaming is very intriguing, but it doesn't fit with what the plot of your script actually is. However, I love that you included it as an element of the story.
There is one big problem I have with the dialogue. When Alec is explaining lucid dreaming to Jack, it just feels false. I personally feel like the concept of lucid dreaming is pretty well-known, so I don't think you need this dialogue to spell out what it means, and as it stands this conversation feels like basically Jack as a device to ask questions so the audience is up to speed on the concept. Either make this dialogue come about more naturally, or find a different way to talk about the lucid dreaming. This scene for some reason just feels to me like a typical question and answer scene so the audience is filled in. I hope you find a more creative solution because otherwise I really like your concept!
Also, I read your script before I read your journal, so after reading your script I was going to make a comment about why people this young would think to kill a politician. Then I read the journal to see that they are older than I thought. Then I went back to your script to realize that you did indicate ages; I had just forgotten. That's my fault. However, I wanted to include this note because the characters feel younger based on dialogue than what you intend on them being. I'm not sure if that's just my interpretation or what, but a solution would be to just go through the dialogue and see if there are any subtle ways to make it feel more mature or older. That's probably a matter of preference, though.
Anyway, good job!!
Great start Jesus. I like the touches of modernity you gave the story, such as Alec using his cell phone for a flashlight. It’s a small thing but the little things add up. The name Callahan should probably be changed. Reference the movie Tommy Boy. There are some typos and a couple occasions where the dialogue is under the wrong persons name, but thanks no big deal. Along the lines of what Trent said, the audience needs to have a stronger connection with Alec. By the end of the story, I had now idea why Jack felt regretful about leaving his clearly unstable friend. He seems more than justified in leaving him for his personal safety. Does he make an attempt to find his friend help? I think we need to know more about how Alec got to the condition he now finds himself in in regards to his parents, friends, and his fixation on Callahan. Can we at least get a hint at why his parents abandoned him? Although the story is primarily focused on Alec, I felt much more sympathy for the plight of Jack due to the bizarre ordeal he is faced with. The audience just needs to understand the struggles of Alec better in order to really identify with him. How is Mein Kampf related to the political ideology of Alec and his disdain for Callahan in particular? Can’t wait to see it! I think it’s ironic that Alec rants about the uninformed masses to Jack. Jack takes offense, yet Jack is the one with the library in his room. Was this intentional?
ReplyDeleteWow, Jesus. Your writing is pretty darn good. It's a great start and I'm really looking forward to seeing this film play out!
ReplyDeleteI know that this is a little close to home as the shooting of the politician in Tucson was fairly recent, but I think you've played it off well enough that your motivations and your story isn't verbatim what happened there, which was my initial concern when I began reading. Like Jennifer, I downloaded all the material right after 9am so I could review them all and I didn't get to your film journal until after I'd read your script, but reading it now has really helped me to understand and appreciate your script even more. The things that bugged me most were the occasional typos and such, but that happens to everybody, especially on a first draft.
Great start and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have an interesting start and framework for your capstone. I think that delving into the psyche of someone that is willing to take the life of another person is something that can be interesting to explore. With that being said, I really hope that you are ready to do the research involved with such an emotionally gripping, charged and draining subject matter. It is a tough line to walk because of how many people are connected to such events but it can make for some interesting emotional sequencing.
I think there is something very fascinating with the human psyche. I think that what you have here with your script is the framework for an incredibly character-drive drama. I don't think that the film exists well with the lack of story. I don't mean it in a way that you don't have any story, but more that we are looking into the emotional state of this character and what makes him tick and do what he does. That is what is going to draw people to your film in my opinion, and that is something that you have noted in your journal when referencing actors, that is going to be of utmost importance. You are going to need to be able to have someone delve into that emotional state and be able to allow that to come across on screen in a way that hits home. Or even access the audiences true "psycho-emotional instrument" (How's that Collis?).
With that being said, I think that there are some things that you are going to do in order for your script to reach it's full potential. I think that the biggest thing that strikes me right now is the lack of a moral center of the film. I'm not saying in the way that it needs to be simply good or bad, but we need to know which character we are using to gauge the world around them. Whether it is an anti-hero or a true protagonist, we need to have that person as a gauge to decide the actions that they take. This part is confusing to me with your script. I don't know whether or not to like Alec or even Jack for that matter. It is as if, you don't know which character you want the focus of your film to be on. I get that you want us to reach out to someone afterwards or even to understand what may drive people to that decision but it seems like they both hover around the main character of the story. Should you choose which character to be our moral compass and focus on them I think it will help strengthen the characters and the story.
With that being said, I think that should you decide to do that. You need to realize the impact of choosing a character will have on your film. Each character tells a truly different story in your film and they have a different perspective. I think that Alec is interesting because of his truly "lucid" dream state and the fact that we don't really know what is going on with him and why he does that. From what I gathered in your film journal, it seemed like we were supposed to take his side in things and feel a sense of tension and wanting to reach out to someone afterwards. As it stands right now, I don't have a true connection to either character and I didn't really feel anything gripping between them. With that being said, you can almost make the same argument for choosing Jack. The audience may relate better to him because he is known as a more morally contentious person who doesn't think what Alec is doing is right. That can be easier to take in and can allow for the audience to side with him and decide to reach out to someone. However, that is also what I would see as the more predictable way to go and thus you may truly lose some of the impact that you have written in what drives you towards this film.
I think that you should also take a look at what the connection between these two characters really is and why we should even care about them. I think that is such an important piece of your film and right now it needs more. I want to like the characters in your story. Not necessarily morally, but I want them to be someone that draws an emotion out of the audience to help you create your story. I don't know enough about either of them to truly do that. While you may not need to add loads of exposition into it, you need to find a way to showcase how they interact with one another and what kind of real relationship they have. Or how the interact with the world around them. As of right now, I feel like I was just helicoptered into a scene and then flew away. I don't get any sense of who they are, or why his parents left, or why he doesn't like video games, or how the banjo helps him escape. I wish there was something more to them to allow me to then feel some sort of way for them emotionally after it is over. The way it plays out right now, since I don't know enough about them together or maybe because I am not invested in each character enough I don't really feel for Jack when he walks away. I feel a little bad for Alec but not as much as I really should if he is truly reaching out for help.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've seen it, but films such as American History X and Higher Learning, while they deal with more racially charged situations, both delve into the psyche around such actions. They both handle them (while not perfectly) in ways that make you feel something for these clearly flawed characters. That is the feeling I get from your journal and script and I hope that you take a look at films along those lines that deal with similar situations or even television shows such as The Shield where we grow to care about these flawed characters and why we care, be it good or bad.
I hope this helped even though it was a lot
I think you're off to a great start and can see your interest in these characters. I would like it if you did more research on how young killers behave and certain mannerisms and ideas that run through their head. I think you could take this a few steps forward and really get into the nitty gritty of things. I think that you should watch Mr. Brooks if you haven't seen it already. I think it is a movie that has been very carefully constructed and it involves a man who is a serial killer and some one who essentially becomes his apprentice in spite of being caught in the act. I think that the feel of the film is similar to this one, where it has some intense moments, but there is also some things that are up in the air. I'd also like to talk more about it with you in person and to see what ideas and thoughts you have running in your mind about the story.
ReplyDeleteOH WASSUPPP JESUS!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDude... i really liked your script. Your main character was really intriguing, and I was quite intimidated by this dude. He really reminded me of De Niro in Taxi driver and I definitely thought this was going in the direction of the Tucson shootings. It was very dark and interesting.
That being said, i did have a few problems. First of all with Jack.. I really didn't think he was that necessary to the story. I think your movie would be way more interesting if he was just out of the picture, and you just focused on the madness of Alec. And maybe that madness is created be his seclusion. I also think that the Lucid Dreaming stuff didn't really fit in it either. It was just kind of there, and i didn't pick up on the symbology of it.
But other then those things, awesome job my friend.
Alrighty
BYYE!!!
Jesus
ReplyDeleteWow... Let's just get this out of the way: I loved Alec. From the moment I read his first line I started thinking "This guy's dangerous," which is a feeling that carried out throughout the entire project. He seemed like the classic renegade sociopath. Very Rorschach from Watchmen, especially since when he called her plans obnoxious. And when it gets revealed that he's actually making things up, I started wondering whether or not he was inspired by Jared Loughner and wanting to steal a few glances at the ending.
I like the title, and I think lucid dreaming could really be used effectively, but it didn't really pan out the way I was expecting. I was wondering if Jack was going to end up part of his lucid dreams, or if it was all a dream to begin with. I think he should kill her in a dream, but reveal it is a dream when talking to Jack.
Jesus,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your script, overall you have a very tense piece of material here and I think that you have a pretty solid pay off in the end. Your character development was strong and you get a good sense of both characters. I also like the little things you do that raise intrigue in your readers, for example your introduction of the dream journal. My only suggestion would be to work on a little bit of your dialogue and trim down some of the fatty areas. Overall, good work and I look forward to seeing how this script progresses.