The Journal - My biggest comment to give to you on the journal is with the style you're going for with the Paled Man…you mentioned you wanted it out of focus or short depth of field…be very careful with how much you have out of focus because after a few of your photos my head started to hurt which makes me a little worried about how it will come across on screen.
The Script - I'm not entirely sure how to give you feedback. I had a difficult time reading your script, but at the same time I feel like I could tell you the story if you asked me. I myself and confused at how that works...
Things I know for sure! ;) 1) length - your story feels WAY too long. This might be my problem though because sometimes I had to reread something to know what you were saying so in that sense it might have felt longer…see what other people say, but either way I think you could cut this down a bit. 2) the 6th scene (EXT./INT. BUS - AFTERNOON) - this didn't feel real to me. I can understand one man being harsh but to get the whole bus on his side seems a bit impossible. I mean it might make sense if this was taking place in some alternate reality, but I got the sense from your journal that it was taking place in our world right here, right now… If that's the case again, I don't think a whole bus full of people (unless it was some kind of group/gang) would pick on the Short Dark haired girl. 3) PLEASE consider naming some of your main characters…Long red haired chubby girl, short dark haired girl, etc. It might be the late hour but in some of the scenes I found it incredibly difficult to keep track of all of the characters and I found it very difficult to relate/sympathize with any one character because I didn't feel like I could connect with any one of them in any way…
I hope this helps you in some way and I can't wait to see how this turns out!
A rose by any other name, still smells as sweet. Don't name your characters. This is MY opinion. THE ONLY time it would be appropriate is on pages 16-18 when the three are eating PASTRIES'S (Not pasties. Pasties are what strippers wear over their nipples... that might get confusing). But I would really take the opinions of the class into consideration and maybe take a tally.
Since I am one of the first peeps to respond, I'll say it so everyone doesn't have to. YES, you have some (many) grammatical errors. Some intentional, some not so much. But I will gladly organize your script and help you with all your translations if you need/want. I love that your script literally has a life of its own, so I don't want to ruin that, but I think a few things should be cleared up a little.
Getting into the meat of your story, I think you have a great premise! Visually interesting, interesting characters, and interesting situations. DO NOT change that dynamic!!! But there are some things I might suggest changing or working on. As the others said, and you mentioned to me today, I think there are a couple spots where you might trim. I would start by removing/combining areas that are in tough locations to obtain permission to shoot in, or extend those scenes by combining a scene from a different section of script. This will save you time, energy, and money in the long run. You have a lot of locations and cross cutting between characters, but if you condense/combine it will shave a few moments off your TRT without cutting.
Once you have fewer locations, you can trim dialogue here and action there. I think 20 mins should be the MAX length of your film. You could always film everything too, and decide what to trim later in post. (just fix it in post!)
Now, as I say with EVERYONE.... DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING based on what I say, or anyone else does for that matter, but you should definitely continuously look at your script and find ways to make it better. If that happens to coincide with what we say then GREAT!!!
Hello, Short Dark Haired Girl! Haha!Here is what I have to say for now. I feel like this is going to be a very long short film, haha! There's just so much happening and I belive you run into the same kind of problem Jeff had in his first draft of his script. Though with yours it's more cemented in particularly with your scenes. But...if you do cut it down, I feel like it would be robbing it of its essence. There are some scenes, I belive, that are more powerful then others. For example, the bus scene where the "black" guy is going off on our protagonist. This scene was very well written, minus all the grammar errors (jeje, jojo). I almost want to see this be our intro for I belive it sets up quite well not only the tone of your story but what you're trying to say in general. Ummm...there's a lot of frustration, and i'm not talking about your writing (jaja ra jaja)but in this story in general. A lot of agony and quite a lot of the same things hapenning over and over. This reminds me of the film Crash, the one about all the racism. This film had the same things, same kind of confrontation scenes happening over and over again until they reached the turning point. For me, it felt very frustrtating for I didn't feel like they had to prove their point again and again and again. Once or twice is enough, in a feature film. I may be wrong. For your film, I think it goes on a little too much and I say this because you don't give us the flip side. That moment when Short girl walks in on chubby girl taking a shower sparked some interest. Chubby girl was actually nice to her, for once. But then you left the scene immediately and I was like, what!? No, come back I wanna see what happens next. Let us savor those sweet moments more. The one where short girl is eating at the restaurant with the other two was sweet as well. I would say explore more with that, but unfortunately you DO have to take into consideration with the fact that it's a short film. People's attention span nowdays lasts about two seconds. Sad but true. And I don't think that would be fair to such a great story, But remember what I said, which I heard from someone who heard it from someone else, if you can do a great film in 5 minutes, then a 120 minustes should be a piece of cake.
Hey Patricia... Like I told Jesus, I wasn't able to look through your journal and script for very long because I checked the folder right around the deadline yesterday morning, so I will have more time to formulate feedback for stuff turned in on time. That being said, I was very intrigued by your idea after reading your journal just because it seems quite unique. Your journal has a lot in it to go through, which is great, but it's kind of hard to follow as it seems a little unorganized. I did get a good sense of your characters through it, though, which is great. However, where is your cinematography/production design/costume/picture editing/sound editing? I'm looking forward to seeing those! I know you just changed your idea, but I hope you can post those soon for us to give feedback as I think for your story visuals will be crucial. I will say that I agree that it seems long. Don't be afraid to edit down your length as I think it will help your story. I agree that your characters don't need to have names, but it makes it hard to follow as I read about different unnamed people, especially for 32 pages. I do admire your style, though, and am curious to see how this turns out! I know it will take whatever form you want it to!
There is so much to talk about. I love all the thought you put into your journal. It is dense as hell though and takes an hour to read, but it’s great preparation on your part.
I think your story allows for some very unique and varied cinematic approaches, which I am excited about. You approach to establishing very stylized approaches to visually portraying the characters perspectives is a bold and fitting choice. We will talk a lot more about what you want the audience to feel when we are in the characters POV, and how best to achieve that. The distinctions you made in your journal, paint quite a vivid picture for portraying the differing perspectives on reality.
From the readers perspective, some of your writing is confusing and unclear, although most of your intensions are transmitted I believe. Some of the phrases in the character action descriptions should be reworded for clarity, but those are easy fixes. I would like to go over the script an dialogue with you in person to give suggestions I think would help clarify what your going for.
I enjoy the fact that none of the characters have names, and think it allows for a different sort of audience identification with the characters in the sense that we are all alike regardless of our distinctive name. The script says a lot about similarities across humanity, and the many arbitrary differences that create problematic social conflict.
As some others have commented, the confrontations are pretty extreme considering their frequency and amount. This makes for many interesting moments on film, but does create a little of a Crash vibe. I think the Doctor’s and the City Native’s hostility could be toned down or altered a little for more realism. Perhaps that’s how they really feel on the inside, but I think it would help if they masked their feelings a little more.
So much to talk about, I’ll safe the rest for later.
I really thought that once I got to look at your script and your journal, I'd have a better understanding of what you were making, but now that I've looked these over... I'm still not quite sure what's going on. There's some chunks of your journal that are some weird photoshop filter things or something or seem to be missing the text, so that may be part of the problem, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this.
That being said, it's very clear that what you are doing is working for you, and frankly that's what matters. You clearly have a grip on everything in this picture, and you know what you want out of each of them. You're just going to have to make sure that your actors, DP and editor also know what you're looking for so that they can most deliver for you the things you want to get out of this project.
To echo some previous opinions: Don't name your characters. It's unnecessary. And the City Native is rather unbelievably hostile for me. Maybe if he was homeless or something that'd explain things better, but right now he just sounds like an ass.
I know this sounds dumb, but I'm really excited for this project partly because I don't understand most of it. It's like looking at a blueprint for a building. If you don't know architecture, it might not make sense at first, but when you see the final building, it's so amazing. I can't wait to see the finished project.
Honestly I love it. I love how your films have to do with people, their social roles, their interactions, etc. and you're able to paint the big picture while keeping detail. I like the fact you have so many characters, it just makes it more intriguing and how they all interact. I don't know if I'd really change much because I think you have a very clear idea of what you are going for. I think that you will get a lot of mixed reactions to this film which I think enhances it because everyone will be able to relate to certain aspects of it. I love all the little actions and subtleties to your film, and I think that they really drive the characters. This did feel like it was long but it almost felt necessary. I didn't really want it to end and I think that you can always cut it down. If I were you I'd plan to shoot it all and if it felt too long then you are able to cut some parts of it but if not then I think it will serve it's purpose. If you need help or want to talk about it more let me know because I am more than willing to help and I think you have a great project on your hands.
The Journal -
ReplyDeleteMy biggest comment to give to you on the journal is with the style you're going for with the Paled Man…you mentioned you wanted it out of focus or short depth of field…be very careful with how much you have out of focus because after a few of your photos my head started to hurt which makes me a little worried about how it will come across on screen.
The Script -
I'm not entirely sure how to give you feedback. I had a difficult time reading your script, but at the same time I feel like I could tell you the story if you asked me. I myself and confused at how that works...
Things I know for sure! ;)
1) length - your story feels WAY too long. This might be my problem though because sometimes I had to reread something to know what you were saying so in that sense it might have felt longer…see what other people say, but either way I think you could cut this down a bit.
2) the 6th scene (EXT./INT. BUS - AFTERNOON) - this didn't feel real to me. I can understand one man being harsh but to get the whole bus on his side seems a bit impossible. I mean it might make sense if this was taking place in some alternate reality, but I got the sense from your journal that it was taking place in our world right here, right now… If that's the case again, I don't think a whole bus full of people (unless it was some kind of group/gang) would pick on the Short Dark haired girl.
3) PLEASE consider naming some of your main characters…Long red haired chubby girl, short dark haired girl, etc. It might be the late hour but in some of the scenes I found it incredibly difficult to keep track of all of the characters and I found it very difficult to relate/sympathize with any one character because I didn't feel like I could connect with any one of them in any way…
I hope this helps you in some way and I can't wait to see how this turns out!
Patricia!
ReplyDeleteA rose by any other name, still smells as sweet. Don't name your characters. This is MY opinion. THE ONLY time it would be appropriate is on pages 16-18 when the three are eating PASTRIES'S (Not pasties. Pasties are what strippers wear over their nipples... that might get confusing). But I would really take the opinions of the class into consideration and maybe take a tally.
Since I am one of the first peeps to respond, I'll say it so everyone doesn't have to. YES, you have some (many) grammatical errors. Some intentional, some not so much. But I will gladly organize your script and help you with all your translations if you need/want. I love that your script literally has a life of its own, so I don't want to ruin that, but I think a few things should be cleared up a little.
I GOT CALLED INTO WORK! WILL POST REST LATER!
I'm back!!! Just in time! So, as I was saying...
DeleteGetting into the meat of your story, I think you have a great premise! Visually interesting, interesting characters, and interesting situations. DO NOT change that dynamic!!! But there are some things I might suggest changing or working on. As the others said, and you mentioned to me today, I think there are a couple spots where you might trim. I would start by removing/combining areas that are in tough locations to obtain permission to shoot in, or extend those scenes by combining a scene from a different section of script. This will save you time, energy, and money in the long run. You have a lot of locations and cross cutting between characters, but if you condense/combine it will shave a few moments off your TRT without cutting.
Once you have fewer locations, you can trim dialogue here and action there. I think 20 mins should be the MAX length of your film. You could always film everything too, and decide what to trim later in post. (just fix it in post!)
Now, as I say with EVERYONE.... DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING based on what I say, or anyone else does for that matter, but you should definitely continuously look at your script and find ways to make it better. If that happens to coincide with what we say then GREAT!!!
See you Thursday!!!!
Hello, Short Dark Haired Girl! Haha!Here is what I have to say for now.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is going to be a very long short film, haha! There's just so much happening and I belive you run into the same kind of problem Jeff had in his first draft of his script. Though with yours it's more cemented in particularly with your scenes. But...if you do cut it down, I feel like it would be robbing it of its essence. There are some scenes, I belive, that are more powerful then others. For example, the bus scene where the "black" guy is going off on our protagonist. This scene was very well written, minus all the grammar errors (jeje, jojo). I almost want to see this be our intro for I belive it sets up quite well not only the tone of your story but what you're trying to say in general. Ummm...there's a lot of frustration, and i'm not talking about your writing (jaja ra jaja)but in this story in general. A lot of agony and quite a lot of the same things hapenning over and over. This reminds me of the film Crash, the one about all the racism. This film had the same things, same kind of confrontation scenes happening over and over again until they reached the turning point. For me, it felt very frustrtating for I didn't feel like they had to prove their point again and again and again. Once or twice is enough, in a feature film. I may be wrong. For your film, I think it goes on a little too much and I say this because you don't give us the flip side. That moment when Short girl walks in on chubby girl taking a shower sparked some interest. Chubby girl was actually nice to her, for once. But then you left the scene immediately and I was like, what!? No, come back I wanna see what happens next. Let us savor those sweet moments more. The one where short girl is eating at the restaurant with the other two was sweet as well. I would say explore more with that, but unfortunately you DO have to take into consideration with the fact that it's a short film. People's attention span nowdays lasts about two seconds. Sad but true. And I don't think that would be fair to such a great story, But remember what I said, which I heard from someone who heard it from someone else, if you can do a great film in 5 minutes, then a 120 minustes should be a piece of cake.
Hey Patricia... Like I told Jesus, I wasn't able to look through your journal and script for very long because I checked the folder right around the deadline yesterday morning, so I will have more time to formulate feedback for stuff turned in on time. That being said, I was very intrigued by your idea after reading your journal just because it seems quite unique. Your journal has a lot in it to go through, which is great, but it's kind of hard to follow as it seems a little unorganized. I did get a good sense of your characters through it, though, which is great. However, where is your cinematography/production design/costume/picture editing/sound editing? I'm looking forward to seeing those! I know you just changed your idea, but I hope you can post those soon for us to give feedback as I think for your story visuals will be crucial. I will say that I agree that it seems long. Don't be afraid to edit down your length as I think it will help your story. I agree that your characters don't need to have names, but it makes it hard to follow as I read about different unnamed people, especially for 32 pages. I do admire your style, though, and am curious to see how this turns out! I know it will take whatever form you want it to!
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to talk about. I love all the thought you put into your journal. It is dense as hell though and takes an hour to read, but it’s great preparation on your part.
ReplyDeleteI think your story allows for some very unique and varied cinematic approaches, which I am excited about. You approach to establishing very stylized approaches to visually portraying the characters perspectives is a bold and fitting choice. We will talk a lot more about what you want the audience to feel when we are in the characters POV, and how best to achieve that. The distinctions you made in your journal, paint quite a vivid picture for portraying the differing perspectives on reality.
From the readers perspective, some of your writing is confusing and unclear, although most of your intensions are transmitted I believe. Some of the phrases in the character action descriptions should be reworded for clarity, but those are easy fixes. I would like to go over the script an dialogue with you in person to give suggestions I think would help clarify what your going for.
I enjoy the fact that none of the characters have names, and think it allows for a different sort of audience identification with the characters in the sense that we are all alike regardless of our distinctive name. The script says a lot about similarities across humanity, and the many arbitrary differences that create problematic social conflict.
As some others have commented, the confrontations are pretty extreme considering their frequency and amount. This makes for many interesting moments on film, but does create a little of a Crash vibe. I think the Doctor’s and the City Native’s hostility could be toned down or altered a little for more realism. Perhaps that’s how they really feel on the inside, but I think it would help if they masked their feelings a little more.
So much to talk about, I’ll safe the rest for later.
Patricia...
ReplyDeleteI really thought that once I got to look at your script and your journal, I'd have a better understanding of what you were making, but now that I've looked these over... I'm still not quite sure what's going on. There's some chunks of your journal that are some weird photoshop filter things or something or seem to be missing the text, so that may be part of the problem, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this.
That being said, it's very clear that what you are doing is working for you, and frankly that's what matters. You clearly have a grip on everything in this picture, and you know what you want out of each of them. You're just going to have to make sure that your actors, DP and editor also know what you're looking for so that they can most deliver for you the things you want to get out of this project.
To echo some previous opinions: Don't name your characters. It's unnecessary. And the City Native is rather unbelievably hostile for me. Maybe if he was homeless or something that'd explain things better, but right now he just sounds like an ass.
I know this sounds dumb, but I'm really excited for this project partly because I don't understand most of it. It's like looking at a blueprint for a building. If you don't know architecture, it might not make sense at first, but when you see the final building, it's so amazing. I can't wait to see the finished project.
Read most of it and very intrigued / confused. I will give detailed comments later tonight! Good Start!
ReplyDeleteHonestly I love it. I love how your films have to do with people, their social roles, their interactions, etc. and you're able to paint the big picture while keeping detail. I like the fact you have so many characters, it just makes it more intriguing and how they all interact. I don't know if I'd really change much because I think you have a very clear idea of what you are going for. I think that you will get a lot of mixed reactions to this film which I think enhances it because everyone will be able to relate to certain aspects of it. I love all the little actions and subtleties to your film, and I think that they really drive the characters. This did feel like it was long but it almost felt necessary. I didn't really want it to end and I think that you can always cut it down. If I were you I'd plan to shoot it all and if it felt too long then you are able to cut some parts of it but if not then I think it will serve it's purpose. If you need help or want to talk about it more let me know because I am more than willing to help and I think you have a great project on your hands.
ReplyDelete