I know that my screenplay is a little on the short side right now. I have some other ideas that I'm working on fleshing out that would expand the middle of the film a bit, and that would really show just how much of an impact her parents' marriage had on her (probably with her walking past an open door in the hallway after they've entered the mirror and we'd witness a fairly boisterous fight.) What I'm most concerned about is: Do you think that this story can be told within a 12-15-page screenplay? I feel like there is enough there and that it'll still come out okay, but I don't want it to seem super short. There is almost no dialogue in my film and I want to keep it that way (originally I didn't want ANY dialogue, but it was going to be more difficult to get my points across.)
Initial Reactions: Great job! I remember you showing a very early draft last semester and you have definitely improved upon it. With that said…
The scene with the old woman on page 4 didn't do anything for me, in fact, it completely ripped me out of the story (it read comically to me, something about the dialogue…). I know it was placed in the script to indicate where the Young Woman got the mirror, but it just isn't working from me.
Also, most of the V.O.'s on the first few pages didn't work for me. I know you wrote in your journal and the blog post that originally you didn't want any dialogue but you had to add it in to get people to understand the story, but it's too obvious here. You do such a great job later on in the script that these lines just don't feel like they belong… It might come across better on film, but it's just not working for me right now.
On a positive note (because I hate being negative) I really like the scene with the Little Girl and I LOVE the last couple pages of you script (pg. 8-11).
I'm going to attempt to answer one of your blog questions… You're worried that your screenplay feels short, but it feels kind of long to me…I'm not 100% invested in your story until page 5 (see above comments). I think the biggest reason for this is because your ending is so strong. There are so many more layers to the second half of your script that the first half feels flat. I think it would really help you out to have the scene with her parents fighting in there because it would gives us a better understanding of where her thoughts/feelings are coming from. I hope this helps!
I enjoyed the second half of the script a lot. I thought the cutbacks between one another worked really well, don't know if you are going to have a song playing behind all the cut scenes, but that would help the moments that are trying to be revealed. I thought the ending was great, it tied in the two lifestyle and it come together "as one". I got confused with the mirror and some of the flashback parts of the first part of the script. I just get confused with the little girl and how she plays into the story. The grandmother is a good touch and brings the wise knowledge into the story very well. I do believe their should be some dialogue or the audience may think it is all a dream. Give the young women motive to really feel angry and betrayed and show it more in the beginning. Great start.
Avoid the adjectives old, beautiful, young… and verbs such as walk, laugh(…) exchange those for others with more “meat”. It confused me because there is a lot of repetitions and cuts that are indicated by the similar words all the time: It moves from the old woman to the young girl, then the mirror, white dress the mirror again, young, old, beautiful, little… . do you know what I mean?
I really enjoy the structure of your story. It is a very strong short story with a lot of possibilities. I am interested in your curiosity for the struggles in love relationships. I really like that introduce it in a way that we do not really find them on the main screen. The ones you portray are almost the antithesis of the ideal love stories on screen. You give to it a more realistic view and I truly get pleasure from seeing that.
There are similar visuals through the entire story, make them more vibrant,introduce more variation. For example, within the same room you can pay attention to other objects, highlight gesture of the actors(…) in other words: a bigger variation of visuals a bigger range of emotions your audience experiment.
I really like the ironic title you gave your film. The story wonderfully illustrates the hypocrisy of those whom see marriage as eternally blissful and lacking of the emotional struggles inherent in relationships. It hazards against a cheerfully optimistic approach and exemplifies the reasons why in an abstract way. I am a bit confused about the scene when the young lady fallows the little girl into the mirror. I was very fascinated by this surreal moment and how you may choose to accomplish it visually. I’m not sure as to the significance. Is Sarah the young lady? Is the little girl the young lady in her childhood filled with romantic notions of marriage? That’s my take on it. Patricia’s right about there being some sort of better way to differentiate the various characters of similar titles. Do they all need to remain nameless? I really do enjoy the story and the sentimental feelings the young woman evokes through here reflections on her past. The story could use a little bit more fleshing out to build up to the moment of the stylized simultaneous marriage/ divorce finale scene. Clarify some of the confusing moments and find a good fx artist for the mirror scene, and I think it will be a very powerful short.
Jennifer: It's interesting that you say you aren't fully invested until page 5 or so and that you feel the story is too long. I was re-reading it yesterday for the first time in a few days, and I definitely see what you mean. I plan on fleshing out other areas and hopefully I can shorten the beginning and make it more relevant to story as a whole and more interesting.
Jeff: The Little Girl is the Young Woman from her childhood. I think I know where and why it may be confusing in the script, and I will try and flesh it out better so that it's more clear. I do agree with you, though, that the Young Woman's motivations for being so upset in the beginning aren't made clear and I never really realized that until now. Thanks for the fresh eyes!
Patricia: I agree that "meatier" action verbs and descriptions would be helpful and useful. The similarity in the cuts back and forth and the ways in which the characters are represented are purposeful, however. Maybe I need to do a better job in writing it out and making it clear. But I'm so glad to hear that, for the most part, the story and structure are on the right path.
Nathan: You're right, the significance of her entering the mirror isn't as profound as I'd like it to come off on screen, but it signifies her entering her memories, watching herself as a child and remembering why she has a tarnished taste for marriage. I'm hoping with the other scenes I'm working on (to replace some of the poorly written ones) will make that clearer and give it a stronger sense of character and story.
Also, I understand the concern for leaving the characters unnamed, but yes, Sarah is the Little Girl, is the Young Woman. And Mayra is the Old Woman. I chose to leave them unnamed because I want this story to represent any relationship: this could happen to anybody, not just these specific characters.
I love your reference points; those are three of my favorite films of the past couple years. We clearly have similar taste. However, I think that you let the inspiration you draw from those films overwhelm your own vision. I saw so much of Blue Valentine in this. The old woman reminds me of Cindy's grandmother in Blue Valentine, particularly when she is giving Cindy advice about love. The flashing back and forth to the wedding is also so much like Blue Valentine the way I see it. I think you may hurt yourself by using these three films (Like Crazy, Beginners, and Blue Valentine) as your only references. I like that you also use the short story, but I find myself seeing so much of these films in your script that I am afraid you don't have enough originality. It's great to be inspired by what you see, but where is your personal touch on this piece? I realize that the special effects you want are much different than the films you reference; maybe that is where you will add your own spin on these stories, but I still feel that the overall tone is too similar. In my experience, it is really hard to step away from the films you enjoy while writing, but I really hope you can at least experiment with ways to do that. I think you have a lot of strong ideas that just need a bit more originality. For example, you can communicate the ideas you want without using such similar scenes or secondary characters. I know that requires some work, but I think you would benefit from that. Also, I agree with Jen that the voiceover doesn't really work for me at the beginning. Otherwise, I really do enjoy these kinds of stories, as I already mentioned, but I do just want you to find ways to make your vision uniquely yours and not just bits and pieces of other works that inspired you. Good luck! I'm excited to see your next draft.
Oh wow, that really saddens me actually! I borrowed the overall tone of "Blue Valentine" and the ways in which the couple's ideals clash from "Like Crazy" and I was inspired by Hal in "Beginners" for the Old Woman, but never thought that the scene with the Old Woman and the Young Woman was like the one in "Blue Valentine." I was already planning on re-writing it, but now that I definitely do see what you mean, I will pay careful attention to this. I admit, too, that I was inspired by the simplistic way in which the marriage occurred in "Blue Valentine," and I will be sure that mine does not appear to be a copycat of that.
Thanks for helping me to see something that I completely mistook as happy mistakes!
I agree a lot with the other comments being said here.
Be careful with voice over, nameless characters, and creating confusion with many flashbacks (I struggle there too!!!) These are things I know you are probably well aware of.
I don't have anything super profound to say about your specific piece, because this isn't my type of film, (unless you want to add explosions to it :) ) but I do want to offer a couple things to think about. And this goes for everyone as well.
Think about "how will this film make me stand out?" Imagine that during capstone screenings there will be an executive from a distribution company. BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF, would this catch the distributors eye? Will this be a film you can proudly say, I spent a year making! Or will people ask, "it took you a year to make that, why?"
My opinion is that you have a good idea/concept, but it needs MORE. Now, more can be ANYTHING. A really sweet location (like getting married at Niagra Falls) in one of the flashbacks is a good example. Or as others said, the visuals during the mirror sequence could be more than enough to draw the attention of a distributor and give your film that extra SOMETHING.
As with anyone I give feedback to, this is just MY OPINION, and what the fuck do I know? Nothing. So, make what you want to make, how you want to make it. But I suggest adding that KICK to turn this from being a directing film into a CAPSTONE! AND YES CAPSTONE SHOULD BE IN CAPS!!!!!!
I think that you have a premise that is clearly something that you are intrigued by. The story in an essence reminds me of your directing film. From what I got out of reading your script and your journal are that you are creating something similar but with a more fantastical feel to it. While it may be fantastical I don't mean over the top but it still has that with the entrance to the mirror and coming out of it in the dreamy flashback style world. I think that creating something that is somewhat naturalistic with fantasy infused into it can be interesting.
I just wonder what would happen if you actually took the naturalistic feel out of it and took at stab at taking this film into that fantastical realm. I know that is going completely against what you have written in your journal and even the films you reference but I can't help but feel that way after reading it. The little girl gives me the reminder of The Ring, which I know that's not what you where going for. It also reminds me of something but I can't place my finger on it right now. The little girl that provides guidance who is also unreachable for the most part. I think it may make it interesting to explore that realm a little more in hopes of throwing off the balance of everything even more. I think that you can still draw the influence from the movies that you're clearly a fan of, but if you place some sort of interesting twist with the fantastical realm you may be able to achieve both sentiments together.
I don't really get much into why their marriage didn't work. So all I get from the start is that it clearly didn't work and she is broken from that. While to me that isn't all that bad, I think that by not really seeing anything about how bad their relationship is/was it is harder to gain emotional attachment to the ending or even the beginning. I want to know why she has become so broken or even throw me a little bit of information into it in the fantasy world. I understand that she clearly loved the idea of marriage and they don't always work out but I feel like without understanding the circumstances in which they have been driven apart it is harder for me to understand why I should care. A lot of marriage or relationships run their course, but without understanding at all why, we lose interest in their connection.
I think that you have an interesting way to end with the inter-cutting split screen and that can be interesting in the juxtaposition of the events. I think that you can also look to just cutting between the two once in a while to help further blur the lines of what is reality and what isn't. However, I think that the impact of your ending, for me, continues to lead me back to the other couple of points. I really want to know more about their relationship and that will help me feel the disconnect even more. I also think that if you continue to blur the lines of reality and possibly make them less defined throughout the story you can accomplish your ending with more emphasis.
Oh and I am not really sure how I feel about the Old Woman. I don't really care for her all that much but I get she is in there for guidance at the end. She seems more coincidental I guess due to dialogue in the beginning but she helps the ending of your film. I can't think of a way to better introduce it but her dialogue doesn't seem to fit for me. I guess for me the biggest thing that drew me out was her calling her "baby girl". While there may not be anything wrong with that, I personally have only heard that used in a more romantic sense. I know that probably isn't the case, but that is what I think of when I read that. Just as a note I guess.
I am interested to see what changes you have made to your script since you seem to be currently in the middle of a revision.
Visually, I really like your script. I think it flows nicely and transitions very well, and I really think that the whole entering the mirror thing is going to look very nice.
However, I feel the dialogue needs to be reworked a bit. In the first scene before the flashback with the Old Woman, the only line I thought really worked was her saying "Liars." The rest of it felt very stilted and unnatural to me. This can be fixed with a talented performer but hearing it in my head just didn't work that well for me. That being said, I really do like the ending and the final lines at the end.
I also don't really connect that well with the woman in general. I feel bad for her that her marriage didn't work out, because it obviously really effected her negatively, but I don't really know why it happened in the first point. If your goal was to put us in her mental state, where SHE also doesn't know why it didn't work out, then I think you need to emphasize that point because right now it's just not clear, and I get further confused because I don't really see the tragedy that you bring up at the end with the song.
Even with those problems, I think that this is a promising idea.
This script is very well written, and as Taurean stated before me, this is clearly a premise that you have passion for. I want to avoid being too redundant, so a couple things to think about:
With the majority of your script being description, and most of your dialogue written as V.O... Be careful to not take us out of your exceptional visuals with too much voice over. Look over your dialogue again and see how much of it is absolutely necessary. As I said, you have some pretty great visuals, so focus on the emotional aspect that they portray to an audience.
The mirror sequence has the opportunity to really grasp the attention of anyone watching this film. But I would consider making the idea of her walking through a mirror into another world more extravagant. Hang on this moment.
Great work... I'm looking forward to your next draft.
I really enjoyed your script. I had a somewhat of a hard time following what was going on with the little girl. I just think for me (because i'm an idiot) had a bit of problem following that particular sequence. I couldn't really tell if this was going to be some fantasy ghost story or not. And was pretty confused. But the imagery seemed really beautiful, and i think, for the illiterate souls such as myself, if you simplified and cleaned up that sequence a bit, it might be a little easier to following along. But I loved the parallel narration with the wedding voice over and the divorce. And that final "I do" was a great ending.
I have always thought you have had interesting ideas and find that you are really interested in relationships between people and how love can be a nimble thing. Working on some of your other work I hope that some of your scenes do not come off as overly dramatic. I think that sometimes scene such as the some parts of your beginning become a little cliche. I like what Taurean said about possibly taking a naturalistic feel. This would be an interesting perspective. I would like to see something a little different about this piece, and would like for you to just send this out to a lot of people to get more feedback. I'd also like to see Beginners and a few of the other movies you mentioned to see where your inspiration came from some of the characters. I feel like they could use some work and we could see a little bit more of the relationships. Good start would like to talk to you more about it, cause this is one of the few projects that you've done that I haven't really talked to you in depth with.
I don't think there is anyone else that has figured out the style of film they want to make quite like you. You have quite a knack for picking very realistic-esque pictures and have a pretty solid grasp of how to handle it. That being said, some of your dialogue is insanely cheesy and cliche; for instance, "True love doesn't exist, because love isn't true"...BORING!!!!!!! That line pulled me out of the moment you were creating instantly, there are other, more creative, and original ways to convey the young woman's feelings at that moment. Like everyone else has stated, you have very strong visuals written in this, but like many others have said, the voice over and dialogue seems forced and trite. If you can fix those aspects and make me care about the characters more, then you may be onto something here.
This story feel very personal. It's almost like a tragedy, it IS a tragedy because it's always sad to see two people separate, especially one that showed true love for one another. We ALL know these people in one way or another so all of us will relate to it no matter what. But it that is why, too, it becomes not as compelling. Because we've been through this before quite a few times both in movies and in real life. Either way, I think it's a brave choice for you. My motto is, it doesn't matter if it's not original, as long as people find new and interesting ways to present them. Some of the dialogue IS a bit cliche. A little extra help. I like the self-conflicting character of the Young Woman. I like how at first she blames the guy but in the end we get a feeling that it might have been her the reason the marriage didn't work. Typical for people. And so true. I think it's a lovely story, Devon. Just need to work on the dialogue. And i'm not so sure about the constant split screen, it kinda pulls me away. But maybe it depends on how you present it.
I know that my screenplay is a little on the short side right now. I have some other ideas that I'm working on fleshing out that would expand the middle of the film a bit, and that would really show just how much of an impact her parents' marriage had on her (probably with her walking past an open door in the hallway after they've entered the mirror and we'd witness a fairly boisterous fight.) What I'm most concerned about is: Do you think that this story can be told within a 12-15-page screenplay? I feel like there is enough there and that it'll still come out okay, but I don't want it to seem super short. There is almost no dialogue in my film and I want to keep it that way (originally I didn't want ANY dialogue, but it was going to be more difficult to get my points across.)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your feedback in advance!
-Devon
Initial Reactions: Great job! I remember you showing a very early draft last semester and you have definitely improved upon it. With that said…
ReplyDeleteThe scene with the old woman on page 4 didn't do anything for me, in fact, it completely ripped me out of the story (it read comically to me, something about the dialogue…). I know it was placed in the script to indicate where the Young Woman got the mirror, but it just isn't working from me.
Also, most of the V.O.'s on the first few pages didn't work for me. I know you wrote in your journal and the blog post that originally you didn't want any dialogue but you had to add it in to get people to understand the story, but it's too obvious here. You do such a great job later on in the script that these lines just don't feel like they belong… It might come across better on film, but it's just not working for me right now.
On a positive note (because I hate being negative) I really like the scene with the Little Girl and I LOVE the last couple pages of you script (pg. 8-11).
I'm going to attempt to answer one of your blog questions… You're worried that your screenplay feels short, but it feels kind of long to me…I'm not 100% invested in your story until page 5 (see above comments). I think the biggest reason for this is because your ending is so strong. There are so many more layers to the second half of your script that the first half feels flat. I think it would really help you out to have the scene with her parents fighting in there because it would gives us a better understanding of where her thoughts/feelings are coming from. I hope this helps!
I enjoyed the second half of the script a lot. I thought the cutbacks between one another worked really well, don't know if you are going to have a song playing behind all the cut scenes, but that would help the moments that are trying to be revealed. I thought the ending was great, it tied in the two lifestyle and it come together "as one". I got confused with the mirror and some of the flashback parts of the first part of the script. I just get confused with the little girl and how she plays into the story. The grandmother is a good touch and brings the wise knowledge into the story very well. I do believe their should be some dialogue or the audience may think it is all a dream. Give the young women motive to really feel angry and betrayed and show it more in the beginning. Great start.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful for Her Age
ReplyDeleteAvoid the adjectives old, beautiful, young… and verbs such as walk, laugh(…) exchange those for others with more “meat”. It confused me because there is a lot of repetitions and cuts that are indicated by the similar words all the time: It moves from the old woman to the young girl, then the mirror, white dress the mirror again, young, old, beautiful, little… . do you know what I mean?
I really enjoy the structure of your story. It is a very strong short story with a lot of possibilities. I
am interested in your curiosity for the struggles in love relationships. I really like that introduce it in a way that we do not really find them on the main screen. The ones you portray are almost the antithesis of the ideal love stories on screen. You give to it a more realistic view and I truly get pleasure from seeing that.
There are similar visuals through the entire story, make them more vibrant,introduce more variation. For example, within the same room you can pay attention to other objects, highlight gesture of the actors(…) in other words: a bigger variation of visuals a bigger range of emotions your audience experiment.
I really like the ironic title you gave your film. The story wonderfully illustrates the hypocrisy of those whom see marriage as eternally blissful and lacking of the emotional struggles inherent in relationships. It hazards against a cheerfully optimistic approach and exemplifies the reasons why in an abstract way. I am a bit confused about the scene when the young lady fallows the little girl into the mirror. I was very fascinated by this surreal moment and how you may choose to accomplish it visually. I’m not sure as to the significance. Is Sarah the young lady? Is the little girl the young lady in her childhood filled with romantic notions of marriage? That’s my take on it. Patricia’s right about there being some sort of better way to differentiate the various characters of similar titles. Do they all need to remain nameless? I really do enjoy the story and the sentimental feelings the young woman evokes through here reflections on her past. The story could use a little bit more fleshing out to build up to the moment of the stylized simultaneous marriage/ divorce finale scene. Clarify some of the confusing moments and find a good fx artist for the mirror scene, and I think it will be a very powerful short.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback so far guys.
ReplyDeleteJennifer: It's interesting that you say you aren't fully invested until page 5 or so and that you feel the story is too long. I was re-reading it yesterday for the first time in a few days, and I definitely see what you mean. I plan on fleshing out other areas and hopefully I can shorten the beginning and make it more relevant to story as a whole and more interesting.
Jeff: The Little Girl is the Young Woman from her childhood. I think I know where and why it may be confusing in the script, and I will try and flesh it out better so that it's more clear. I do agree with you, though, that the Young Woman's motivations for being so upset in the beginning aren't made clear and I never really realized that until now. Thanks for the fresh eyes!
Patricia: I agree that "meatier" action verbs and descriptions would be helpful and useful. The similarity in the cuts back and forth and the ways in which the characters are represented are purposeful, however. Maybe I need to do a better job in writing it out and making it clear. But I'm so glad to hear that, for the most part, the story and structure are on the right path.
Nathan: You're right, the significance of her entering the mirror isn't as profound as I'd like it to come off on screen, but it signifies her entering her memories, watching herself as a child and remembering why she has a tarnished taste for marriage. I'm hoping with the other scenes I'm working on (to replace some of the poorly written ones) will make that clearer and give it a stronger sense of character and story.
Also, I understand the concern for leaving the characters unnamed, but yes, Sarah is the Little Girl, is the Young Woman. And Mayra is the Old Woman. I chose to leave them unnamed because I want this story to represent any relationship: this could happen to anybody, not just these specific characters.
Thanks again for all the feedback thus far!
I love your reference points; those are three of my favorite films of the past couple years. We clearly have similar taste. However, I think that you let the inspiration you draw from those films overwhelm your own vision. I saw so much of Blue Valentine in this. The old woman reminds me of Cindy's grandmother in Blue Valentine, particularly when she is giving Cindy advice about love. The flashing back and forth to the wedding is also so much like Blue Valentine the way I see it. I think you may hurt yourself by using these three films (Like Crazy, Beginners, and Blue Valentine) as your only references. I like that you also use the short story, but I find myself seeing so much of these films in your script that I am afraid you don't have enough originality. It's great to be inspired by what you see, but where is your personal touch on this piece? I realize that the special effects you want are much different than the films you reference; maybe that is where you will add your own spin on these stories, but I still feel that the overall tone is too similar. In my experience, it is really hard to step away from the films you enjoy while writing, but I really hope you can at least experiment with ways to do that. I think you have a lot of strong ideas that just need a bit more originality. For example, you can communicate the ideas you want without using such similar scenes or secondary characters. I know that requires some work, but I think you would benefit from that. Also, I agree with Jen that the voiceover doesn't really work for me at the beginning. Otherwise, I really do enjoy these kinds of stories, as I already mentioned, but I do just want you to find ways to make your vision uniquely yours and not just bits and pieces of other works that inspired you. Good luck! I'm excited to see your next draft.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, that really saddens me actually! I borrowed the overall tone of "Blue Valentine" and the ways in which the couple's ideals clash from "Like Crazy" and I was inspired by Hal in "Beginners" for the Old Woman, but never thought that the scene with the Old Woman and the Young Woman was like the one in "Blue Valentine." I was already planning on re-writing it, but now that I definitely do see what you mean, I will pay careful attention to this. I admit, too, that I was inspired by the simplistic way in which the marriage occurred in "Blue Valentine," and I will be sure that mine does not appear to be a copycat of that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping me to see something that I completely mistook as happy mistakes!
I agree a lot with the other comments being said here.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with voice over, nameless characters, and creating confusion with many flashbacks (I struggle there too!!!) These are things I know you are probably well aware of.
I don't have anything super profound to say about your specific piece, because this isn't my type of film, (unless you want to add explosions to it :) ) but I do want to offer a couple things to think about. And this goes for everyone as well.
Think about "how will this film make me stand out?" Imagine that during capstone screenings there will be an executive from a distribution company. BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF, would this catch the distributors eye? Will this be a film you can proudly say, I spent a year making! Or will people ask, "it took you a year to make that, why?"
My opinion is that you have a good idea/concept, but it needs MORE. Now, more can be ANYTHING. A really sweet location (like getting married at Niagra Falls) in one of the flashbacks is a good example. Or as others said, the visuals during the mirror sequence could be more than enough to draw the attention of a distributor and give your film that extra SOMETHING.
As with anyone I give feedback to, this is just MY OPINION, and what the fuck do I know? Nothing. So, make what you want to make, how you want to make it. But I suggest adding that KICK to turn this from being a directing film into a CAPSTONE! AND YES CAPSTONE SHOULD BE IN CAPS!!!!!!
Devon,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have a premise that is clearly something that you are intrigued by. The story in an essence reminds me of your directing film. From what I got out of reading your script and your journal are that you are creating something similar but with a more fantastical feel to it. While it may be fantastical I don't mean over the top but it still has that with the entrance to the mirror and coming out of it in the dreamy flashback style world. I think that creating something that is somewhat naturalistic with fantasy infused into it can be interesting.
I just wonder what would happen if you actually took the naturalistic feel out of it and took at stab at taking this film into that fantastical realm. I know that is going completely against what you have written in your journal and even the films you reference but I can't help but feel that way after reading it. The little girl gives me the reminder of The Ring, which I know that's not what you where going for. It also reminds me of something but I can't place my finger on it right now. The little girl that provides guidance who is also unreachable for the most part. I think it may make it interesting to explore that realm a little more in hopes of throwing off the balance of everything even more. I think that you can still draw the influence from the movies that you're clearly a fan of, but if you place some sort of interesting twist with the fantastical realm you may be able to achieve both sentiments together.
I don't really get much into why their marriage didn't work. So all I get from the start is that it clearly didn't work and she is broken from that. While to me that isn't all that bad, I think that by not really seeing anything about how bad their relationship is/was it is harder to gain emotional attachment to the ending or even the beginning. I want to know why she has become so broken or even throw me a little bit of information into it in the fantasy world. I understand that she clearly loved the idea of marriage and they don't always work out but I feel like without understanding the circumstances in which they have been driven apart it is harder for me to understand why I should care. A lot of marriage or relationships run their course, but without understanding at all why, we lose interest in their connection.
I think that you have an interesting way to end with the inter-cutting split screen and that can be interesting in the juxtaposition of the events. I think that you can also look to just cutting between the two once in a while to help further blur the lines of what is reality and what isn't. However, I think that the impact of your ending, for me, continues to lead me back to the other couple of points. I really want to know more about their relationship and that will help me feel the disconnect even more. I also think that if you continue to blur the lines of reality and possibly make them less defined throughout the story you can accomplish your ending with more emphasis.
Oh and I am not really sure how I feel about the Old Woman. I don't really care for her all that much but I get she is in there for guidance at the end. She seems more coincidental I guess due to dialogue in the beginning but she helps the ending of your film. I can't think of a way to better introduce it but her dialogue doesn't seem to fit for me. I guess for me the biggest thing that drew me out was her calling her "baby girl". While there may not be anything wrong with that, I personally have only heard that used in a more romantic sense. I know that probably isn't the case, but that is what I think of when I read that. Just as a note I guess.
I am interested to see what changes you have made to your script since you seem to be currently in the middle of a revision.
Devon
ReplyDeleteVisually, I really like your script. I think it flows nicely and transitions very well, and I really think that the whole entering the mirror thing is going to look very nice.
However, I feel the dialogue needs to be reworked a bit. In the first scene before the flashback with the Old Woman, the only line I thought really worked was her saying "Liars." The rest of it felt very stilted and unnatural to me. This can be fixed with a talented performer but hearing it in my head just didn't work that well for me. That being said, I really do like the ending and the final lines at the end.
I also don't really connect that well with the woman in general. I feel bad for her that her marriage didn't work out, because it obviously really effected her negatively, but I don't really know why it happened in the first point. If your goal was to put us in her mental state, where SHE also doesn't know why it didn't work out, then I think you need to emphasize that point because right now it's just not clear, and I get further confused because I don't really see the tragedy that you bring up at the end with the song.
Even with those problems, I think that this is a promising idea.
Devon my dude.
ReplyDeleteThis script is very well written, and as Taurean stated before me, this is clearly a premise that you have passion for. I want to avoid being too redundant, so a couple things to think about:
With the majority of your script being description, and most of your dialogue written as V.O... Be careful to not take us out of your exceptional visuals with too much voice over. Look over your dialogue again and see how much of it is absolutely necessary. As I said, you have some pretty great visuals, so focus on the emotional aspect that they portray to an audience.
The mirror sequence has the opportunity to really grasp the attention of anyone watching this film. But I would consider making the idea of her walking through a mirror into another world more extravagant. Hang on this moment.
Great work... I'm looking forward to your next draft.
HELLOOO DER.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your script. I had a somewhat of a hard time following what was going on with the little girl. I just think for me (because i'm an idiot) had a bit of problem following that particular sequence. I couldn't really tell if this was going to be some fantasy ghost story or not. And was pretty confused. But the imagery seemed really beautiful, and i think, for the illiterate souls such as myself, if you simplified and cleaned up that sequence a bit, it might be a little easier to following along. But I loved the parallel narration with the wedding voice over and the divorce. And that final "I do" was a great ending.
Good job buddy
Devon,
ReplyDeleteI have always thought you have had interesting ideas and find that you are really interested in relationships between people and how love can be a nimble thing. Working on some of your other work I hope that some of your scenes do not come off as overly dramatic. I think that sometimes scene such as the some parts of your beginning become a little cliche. I like what Taurean said about possibly taking a naturalistic feel. This would be an interesting perspective. I would like to see something a little different about this piece, and would like for you to just send this out to a lot of people to get more feedback. I'd also like to see Beginners and a few of the other movies you mentioned to see where your inspiration came from some of the characters. I feel like they could use some work and we could see a little bit more of the relationships. Good start would like to talk to you more about it, cause this is one of the few projects that you've done that I haven't really talked to you in depth with.
Devon,
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anyone else that has figured out the style of film they want to make quite like you. You have quite a knack for picking very realistic-esque pictures and have a pretty solid grasp of how to handle it. That being said, some of your dialogue is insanely cheesy and cliche; for instance, "True love doesn't exist, because love isn't true"...BORING!!!!!!! That line pulled me out of the moment you were creating instantly, there are other, more creative, and original ways to convey the young woman's feelings at that moment. Like everyone else has stated, you have very strong visuals written in this, but like many others have said, the voice over and dialogue seems forced and trite. If you can fix those aspects and make me care about the characters more, then you may be onto something here.
This story feel very personal. It's almost like a tragedy, it IS a tragedy because it's always sad to see two people separate, especially one that showed true love for one another. We ALL know these people in one way or another so all of us will relate to it no matter what. But it that is why, too, it becomes not as compelling. Because we've been through this before quite a few times both in movies and in real life. Either way, I think it's a brave choice for you. My motto is, it doesn't matter if it's not original, as long as people find new and interesting ways to present them. Some of the dialogue IS a bit cliche. A little extra help. I like the self-conflicting character of the Young Woman. I like how at first she blames the guy but in the end we get a feeling that it might have been her the reason the marriage didn't work. Typical for people. And so true. I think it's a lovely story, Devon. Just need to work on the dialogue. And i'm not so sure about the constant split screen, it kinda pulls me away. But maybe it depends on how you present it.
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