As your writer, I feel no need to comment on your script so I am just going to comment on your journal. I think that one main thing about your project that alarms me right now is the lack of enthusiasm. I know that while coming up with an idea for your script, I had to ask you what kind of movie you really wanted to make. Well, I kind of feel that way right now because when you answered the questions in the journal, you didn't seem at all excited about the project. Why do you think your project is going to be great? "Right now, I don't really know..." Why should others rally around you?" "Honestly, I don't know yet..." What positive contribution...?" "Probably none." Etc.
My only question for you is if you don't have reasons why you think this project is important or why people should support it, then why are you making it?
That sounds harsh, but it's something you need to think about while looking for talent, crew, and people to monetarily sponsor your film. If you don't believe in it and aren't excited about your own project, I'm not sure if anyone else will be.
My first initial thoughts are the story is about who is madly in love with a boy who left town for his career and can't function without him. I don't really feel any character connection with any of the characters. It feels like the characters are just talking to me and if I didn't know they knew each other, I would have thought they were strangers. I want to see more of her past with Owen to really see what type of relationship they had with one other. I really don't see anything jaw dropping in this story, their needs to be a climax and a huge resolution at the ending. I was left with the thought of, that's it, for the ending. I would like here to pour out her love for Owen to her friends and show them how much he means to her. There should also be some conflict in the story, maybe Owen is seen spotted with another women and it is all over the headlines. Events like that.
Great story. Short, simple, and very intriguing. I must say though, at first I was a little confused by the introductory dinner scene. It kind of threw me off with all the names and I had a little trouble picturing it in my head. I'm sure it could have also been that I was trying to figure out who was the main focus because nobody was really ever brought out to seem like they would be until the script starts describing how Rose and Owen continually steal glances and smirks at one another.
With that being said, for the longest part of the script, I was very confused as to why Rose needed a therapist. But I was okay with that, and it left me wanting to finish reading to find out! The reveal was very well done and when Rose begins to snap (in a sense) over the picture, I completely pictured her flipping out and becoming this mega bitch that your script has portrayed.
I like the way the script ended, too, though like your question in your journal, I feel that the phone call at the end is a tad unnecessary. It definitely showcases just how confused she really is, but I'm wondering if it might not push it too far to where audiences are like "Okay, I've got it already..." you know? I think that either way you have it, it will still be good. Just something to contemplate further.
My favorite part of your script is the ending. About the last call, you do not really need it but I think it enhances Rose’s degree of obsession. It is up to you !
The dialogues can be considered at times very “expositional” but it also contains overtones of honesty and help to create a strong connection between characters, especially between Rose and Alex.
In the first act of the script I felt kind of lost; I did not know what their relationship was, who they were or what they want, except for Owen.
In some point in your journal you comment about how you want to create a movie that is not part of the “main stream” so, what are those dissimilarities that you move has? (If I were a producer I would ask you that).
In general I like your idea. If I were you I would start the script with the third act and develop a story about those feelings Rose is having. How she feels is the most interesting of your story, you should exploit it more. Take Rose character to a more advanced step. Think about the title of my entry, there is the key!
As I was first reading I was thinking, "this girl is ridiculous!" Then she turned out to be... Ridiculously crazy!!! I think this works well. It doesn't seem to linger too long, and it does not just "come out of no where" to make the audience disbelieve her obsession. The elements of the story and characters seem honest and believable. It even seems to be the right length, too. I can't say much bad about the overall script or story!
BUT....
I totally agree with Jeff and Patricia in some aspects. There needs to be a climax, or some sort of resolution. (Unless, you do what I was trying to do - which everyone shot down - and make this some type of pilot to a TV show, or an introduction to a character and world that you feel needs to be expanded on. In this case you would need a VERY LARGE CLIFFHANGER - such as her packing her things to hunt Owen down)
Any ways, the point I'd like to make is that you have a good start, now create a solid ending!
I had a blast reading this. It kept me laughing through some parts very heavily. her exaggeration was so off the wall. and i'm hoping that this was our intention? For if it wasn't then i'm not too sure bout what i just read. Now, I haven't read your journal, so I figured that after reading that i'd have a better idea as to what you're trying to say. Overall, it felt like a very somple script. The story is not complicated or compelling, for that matter at all, but I really don't care. I had a good time reading it and I could visualize almost everything that was said. I picture people laughing so hard, but in a good way, Jen. The dialogue was...ok, but didn't seem to bother me too much for, again, it made laugh. Overall, i think you need to gives us more clues that thisperson is cookoo. I know you did, but somehow they did not pop out. Though soe of their reactions to her weird behavior were priceless. Good job, Jen! Loking forward to the polished version. I had a blast reading this.
I was really intrigued by your title to start this off. I was really wondering where it was going and what Portland had to do with anything. I was a little disappointed to find out it was only his movie but that clearly has nothing to do with anything.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way... I never saw Swim Fan but after watching the trailer again and having watched Fatal Attraction I place this film in the same vein. While Fatal Attraction may be a more physical form of attraction, they both spring to mind upon reading this script.
I almost wish you would blur the lines of reality for Rose even more. I feel like this film is something about obsession and without true obsession I kind of lost steam in reading it. One of your questions was, when did I find out if she was't really friends with him. That point of revelation hit me when you introduced the therapist. The second she was introduced, it gave way to the fact that she was unstable to me. It felt like you tried to mask the truth of her being a therapist but even if I hadn't read it, I wouldn't have seen a reason for her to confide in someone much older than her like that unless it was a therapist. I understand that her own personal reality was blurred but I didn't buy that her character would open up to someone else like that for some reason. I guess that was a good job of creating a character but that pulled me out and set up the ending for me.
I think that your phone call at the end can work to create further confusion to the story, however I think to do that effectively, you have to further blur the lines of reality. I think that if you placed enough emphasis on that you could have that portion at the end with a big middle finger to the audiences grasp of this world. While I am not saying that you have to go out and make it completely shrouded in a fantasy world, I think that if you can find a way to create more confusion in the audiences perspective, you can drive home the stalking element even more.
I guess on that note, the film came off as more of a stalker than fandom. I don't really follow the fandom of celebrities so I can't personally attest to that and I can't draw the distinction but that clearly feels like stalking. I liked the stalking aspect and I think that psychologically you can do something pretty interesting if that's the direction you want to go with it. However if that isn't even close then disregard what I have written like everything else.
I think the last thing I want to comment on is Kristine's comments. I really did get the same thing from reading your journal. After the question about theme, the answers almost felt you where making this movie because you have to. I mean it is clear from class and from your journal that you are a fan of certain things (Twilight/Harry Potter), I am not saying that you are obsessed from it but I really do hope you have a passion for this project. If you don't then it will definitely show up on screen and with the people that you are working with. I feel almost as if you have a different story that you really want to make, but you have something working against you that is forcing you to not make that film. We have seen how excited you have gotten about those things, and I really hope that you can draw a similar instance for this one. I hope that you don't take this as a dig at all, but more as something to continue to push you to make the film that you truly want to make.
Wow, this story is pretty creepy. I really like the idea of a photo where Jessica looks so similar to Rose, that the difference isn’t discernible for her good friends (until close examination) or the audience (for the first time we are shown it). Sounds pretty difficult just recognize how important it is that the audience doesn’t catch on right away. The picture is our one glimmer of hope that she isn’t completely insane for the first half. After that it’s pretty clear she’s got a loose screw or two, yet it’s still enjoyable to see how she handles it. Rose’s character arc from bashful to loud-mouthed and aggressive added a lot of three dimensionality.
I felt that the dialogue was nice and natural for the most part. The dinner scene reminded me a lot of my aunt’s family visiting for dinner on holidays. Lots of typical casual small talk contrast well with the oddities and hallucinations to fallow. I would like to see more of Rose’s dark side after her friends call her out, and she calls them bitches. Perhaps more angered ranting as she boots them out the door would be fitting. I think that scene is really strong already though.
I have a feeling that this is going to be a character study and we are seeing what is her world is like. I kept wanting more or a story arch??? I don't really know what to say but I think that to me it feels like a film that is about the obsession of the character and that we are diving into someones life and just seeing a snippet of it. I wasn't exactly sure if this is what you're going for, but I would like to see more events and action between the characters. I think that you are on an interesting track and I will probably re-read this one as well and give more feedback about how I'm feeling about it.
Were the parents SUPPOSED to be Stepford Wives-esque? Because for whatever reason I really imagined them being like that. Standing up a little too straight, talking like they're from the 1950's, going to the theater... they always made me uncomfortable, to the point that I was beginning to imagine that they might have killed Owen or something because he didn't comply with their standards of what the perfect boy should be. I know that that's not what happened in the slightest, but the fact remains I didn't like them.
Rose on the other hand I did sympathize with. She was a little creepy too, but in that "Oh, she's a little obsessed with that guy. Isn't that cute?" kind of way. Not in a Fatal Attraction kind of way.
I like the idea of Rose and Jessica look alike, but I think it could go a little deeper than that. I think you should have Rose see herself in the movie with Owen. Start out with Jessica, but replace her after Owen says it doesn't make things weird. Then put Rose in there because that DOES make things weird, but at the same time it's something a lot of people do. We escape into movies to be something we're not.
That is, if you really do want to make her creepy. Maybe I just read this wrong but I was uneasy a lot reading this.
You've got yourself an engaging and bothersome idea that could blossom into a film that really gets an emotional response from anyone who watches. But in order to guarantee that you've got to jump on board with your project. If you don't know your story and can't connect with it, then the audience will fail to do so as well.
I may have missed this when reading, or just didn't quite understand, but I would like to see more of an explanation for why certain occurrences are taking place. Such as the text message... I understand that she is crazy, and you did extremely well to get that across, but I want to know more about her tilted point of view.
Again, you have a great script and compelling story. I'm looking forward to seeing what this becomes as the semester continues.
Thanks everyone for all your feedback! Despite how it seems I AM excited about this project, I just have a hard time with self promotion and I'm still trying to figure out my characters and their stories which stresses me out because I feel like I should know all of that information already!
You have a pretty intriguing script here. I think it is a pretty unique idea and I think you do an excellent job of capturing a character in Rose. I would like to see a little more insanity in the character, I think by creating more of a disconnect between Rose and reality would be help create a more tense and dramatic situation. I think that the stakes need to be raised drastically, and once that is accomplished I think your script has a very real chance to be very strong.
SO It kinda sucks that I already know what you're story is before reading the screenplay because I couldn't really answer your question "When did I realize that everything was just all in Rose's head" But other than that well done! :) I think it's a very good start with a lot of promising potential. There's a few things that I think you have to work on though:
DIALOGUE: honestly, the beginning was really dry. For some reason, while reading, the dialogue on the dinner scene feels very scripted and not natural at all. I think it's way too formal pf a conversation for a supposedly "dinner with family friends". Maybe loose the audition topic? I get that you're trying to set it up that Owen is a movie star but maybe instead of dropping the bomb "hey I'm an actor" in the most obvious ways (i.e. audition, movie roles), go for subtle hints like the new lifestyle, privacy issues etc. But towards the end, you're dialogue felt more natural.
PARENTS: why are they playing along? Why are they letting her believe that Owen is part of her world? Sure she's seeing a therapist but I don't think a parent would play along with this obviously, very serious hallucinations.
CREEPINESS FACTOR: Good but I think you can make this much much creepier. I LOVE the fact that she had his number, where the hell did she got that number? And yes the phone call at the end works for me.
I would really like to see more of her world in her point of view (if that makes sense? :P)
That's pretty much my concerns for now. Great detail on the picture of Owen and Jessica, so is Owen's line in the end matching from Rose's world to the DVD. Oh and another thing, your movie reminds me a lot of Shutter Island. If you haven't watched that movie, I say definitely give it a look. It also deals with a very disturbed character living in his own world. I think that movie can also help you a lot later on with styles on editing and cinematography. Throughout that movie, there's always little hints and confusion to the viewers on what is real and what isn't. Hope this helps! :)
As your writer, I feel no need to comment on your script so I am just going to comment on your journal. I think that one main thing about your project that alarms me right now is the lack of enthusiasm. I know that while coming up with an idea for your script, I had to ask you what kind of movie you really wanted to make. Well, I kind of feel that way right now because when you answered the questions in the journal, you didn't seem at all excited about the project. Why do you think your project is going to be great? "Right now, I don't really know..." Why should others rally around you?" "Honestly, I don't know yet..." What positive contribution...?" "Probably none." Etc.
ReplyDeleteMy only question for you is if you don't have reasons why you think this project is important or why people should support it, then why are you making it?
That sounds harsh, but it's something you need to think about while looking for talent, crew, and people to monetarily sponsor your film. If you don't believe in it and aren't excited about your own project, I'm not sure if anyone else will be.
My first initial thoughts are the story is about who is madly in love with a boy who left town for his career and can't function without him. I don't really feel any character connection with any of the characters. It feels like the characters are just talking to me and if I didn't know they knew each other, I would have thought they were strangers. I want to see more of her past with Owen to really see what type of relationship they had with one other. I really don't see anything jaw dropping in this story, their needs to be a climax and a huge resolution at the ending. I was left with the thought of, that's it, for the ending. I would like here to pour out her love for Owen to her friends and show them how much he means to her. There should also be some conflict in the story, maybe Owen is seen spotted with another women and it is all over the headlines. Events like that.
ReplyDeleteJennifer!
ReplyDeleteGreat story. Short, simple, and very intriguing. I must say though, at first I was a little confused by the introductory dinner scene. It kind of threw me off with all the names and I had a little trouble picturing it in my head. I'm sure it could have also been that I was trying to figure out who was the main focus because nobody was really ever brought out to seem like they would be until the script starts describing how Rose and Owen continually steal glances and smirks at one another.
With that being said, for the longest part of the script, I was very confused as to why Rose needed a therapist. But I was okay with that, and it left me wanting to finish reading to find out! The reveal was very well done and when Rose begins to snap (in a sense) over the picture, I completely pictured her flipping out and becoming this mega bitch that your script has portrayed.
I like the way the script ended, too, though like your question in your journal, I feel that the phone call at the end is a tad unnecessary. It definitely showcases just how confused she really is, but I'm wondering if it might not push it too far to where audiences are like "Okay, I've got it already..." you know? I think that either way you have it, it will still be good. Just something to contemplate further.
Obsession and at some Degree Love
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part of your script is the ending. About the last call, you do not really need it but I think it enhances Rose’s degree of obsession. It is up to you !
The dialogues can be considered at times very “expositional” but it also contains overtones of honesty and help to create a strong connection between characters, especially between Rose and Alex.
In the first act of the script I felt kind of lost; I did not know what their relationship was, who they were or what they want, except for Owen.
In some point in your journal you comment about how you want to create a movie that is not part of the “main stream” so, what are those dissimilarities that you move has? (If I were a producer I would ask you that).
In general I like your idea. If I were you I would start the script with the third act and develop a story about those feelings Rose is having. How she feels is the most interesting of your story, you should exploit it more. Take Rose character to a more advanced step. Think about the title of my entry, there is the key!
As I was first reading I was thinking, "this girl is ridiculous!" Then she turned out to be... Ridiculously crazy!!! I think this works well. It doesn't seem to linger too long, and it does not just "come out of no where" to make the audience disbelieve her obsession. The elements of the story and characters seem honest and believable. It even seems to be the right length, too. I can't say much bad about the overall script or story!
ReplyDeleteBUT....
I totally agree with Jeff and Patricia in some aspects. There needs to be a climax, or some sort of resolution. (Unless, you do what I was trying to do - which everyone shot down - and make this some type of pilot to a TV show, or an introduction to a character and world that you feel needs to be expanded on. In this case you would need a VERY LARGE CLIFFHANGER - such as her packing her things to hunt Owen down)
Any ways, the point I'd like to make is that you have a good start, now create a solid ending!
I had a blast reading this. It kept me laughing through some parts very heavily. her exaggeration was so off the wall. and i'm hoping that this was our intention? For if it wasn't then i'm not too sure bout what i just read. Now, I haven't read your journal, so I figured that after reading that i'd have a better idea as to what you're trying to say. Overall, it felt like a very somple script. The story is not complicated or compelling, for that matter at all, but I really don't care. I had a good time reading it and I could visualize almost everything that was said. I picture people laughing so hard, but in a good way, Jen. The dialogue was...ok, but didn't seem to bother me too much for, again, it made laugh. Overall, i think you need to gives us more clues that thisperson is cookoo. I know you did, but somehow they did not pop out. Though soe of their reactions to her weird behavior were priceless. Good job, Jen! Loking forward to the polished version. I had a blast reading this.
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteI was really intrigued by your title to start this off. I was really wondering where it was going and what Portland had to do with anything. I was a little disappointed to find out it was only his movie but that clearly has nothing to do with anything.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way... I never saw Swim Fan but after watching the trailer again and having watched Fatal Attraction I place this film in the same vein. While Fatal Attraction may be a more physical form of attraction, they both spring to mind upon reading this script.
I almost wish you would blur the lines of reality for Rose even more. I feel like this film is something about obsession and without true obsession I kind of lost steam in reading it. One of your questions was, when did I find out if she was't really friends with him. That point of revelation hit me when you introduced the therapist. The second she was introduced, it gave way to the fact that she was unstable to me. It felt like you tried to mask the truth of her being a therapist but even if I hadn't read it, I wouldn't have seen a reason for her to confide in someone much older than her like that unless it was a therapist. I understand that her own personal reality was blurred but I didn't buy that her character would open up to someone else like that for some reason. I guess that was a good job of creating a character but that pulled me out and set up the ending for me.
I think that your phone call at the end can work to create further confusion to the story, however I think to do that effectively, you have to further blur the lines of reality. I think that if you placed enough emphasis on that you could have that portion at the end with a big middle finger to the audiences grasp of this world. While I am not saying that you have to go out and make it completely shrouded in a fantasy world, I think that if you can find a way to create more confusion in the audiences perspective, you can drive home the stalking element even more.
I guess on that note, the film came off as more of a stalker than fandom. I don't really follow the fandom of celebrities so I can't personally attest to that and I can't draw the distinction but that clearly feels like stalking. I liked the stalking aspect and I think that psychologically you can do something pretty interesting if that's the direction you want to go with it. However if that isn't even close then disregard what I have written like everything else.
I think the last thing I want to comment on is Kristine's comments. I really did get the same thing from reading your journal. After the question about theme, the answers almost felt you where making this movie because you have to. I mean it is clear from class and from your journal that you are a fan of certain things (Twilight/Harry Potter), I am not saying that you are obsessed from it but I really do hope you have a passion for this project. If you don't then it will definitely show up on screen and with the people that you are working with. I feel almost as if you have a different story that you really want to make, but you have something working against you that is forcing you to not make that film. We have seen how excited you have gotten about those things, and I really hope that you can draw a similar instance for this one. I hope that you don't take this as a dig at all, but more as something to continue to push you to make the film that you truly want to make.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow, this story is pretty creepy. I really like the idea of a photo where Jessica looks so similar to Rose, that the difference isn’t discernible for her good friends (until close examination) or the audience (for the first time we are shown it). Sounds pretty difficult just recognize how important it is that the audience doesn’t catch on right away. The picture is our one glimmer of hope that she isn’t completely insane for the first half. After that it’s pretty clear she’s got a loose screw or two, yet it’s still enjoyable to see how she handles it. Rose’s character arc from bashful to loud-mouthed and aggressive added a lot of three dimensionality.
ReplyDeleteI felt that the dialogue was nice and natural for the most part. The dinner scene reminded me a lot of my aunt’s family visiting for dinner on holidays. Lots of typical casual small talk contrast well with the oddities and hallucinations to fallow. I would like to see more of Rose’s dark side after her friends call her out, and she calls them bitches. Perhaps more angered ranting as she boots them out the door would be fitting. I think that scene is really strong already though.
I have a feeling that this is going to be a character study and we are seeing what is her world is like. I kept wanting more or a story arch??? I don't really know what to say but I think that to me it feels like a film that is about the obsession of the character and that we are diving into someones life and just seeing a snippet of it. I wasn't exactly sure if this is what you're going for, but I would like to see more events and action between the characters. I think that you are on an interesting track and I will probably re-read this one as well and give more feedback about how I'm feeling about it.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
ReplyDeleteWere the parents SUPPOSED to be Stepford Wives-esque? Because for whatever reason I really imagined them being like that. Standing up a little too straight, talking like they're from the 1950's, going to the theater... they always made me uncomfortable, to the point that I was beginning to imagine that they might have killed Owen or something because he didn't comply with their standards of what the perfect boy should be. I know that that's not what happened in the slightest, but the fact remains I didn't like them.
Rose on the other hand I did sympathize with. She was a little creepy too, but in that "Oh, she's a little obsessed with that guy. Isn't that cute?" kind of way. Not in a Fatal Attraction kind of way.
I like the idea of Rose and Jessica look alike, but I think it could go a little deeper than that. I think you should have Rose see herself in the movie with Owen. Start out with Jessica, but replace her after Owen says it doesn't make things weird. Then put Rose in there because that DOES make things weird, but at the same time it's something a lot of people do. We escape into movies to be something we're not.
That is, if you really do want to make her creepy. Maybe I just read this wrong but I was uneasy a lot reading this.
Jennifer
ReplyDeleteYou've got yourself an engaging and bothersome idea that could blossom into a film that really gets an emotional response from anyone who watches. But in order to guarantee that you've got to jump on board with your project. If you don't know your story and can't connect with it, then the audience will fail to do so as well.
I may have missed this when reading, or just didn't quite understand, but I would like to see more of an explanation for why certain occurrences are taking place. Such as the text message...
I understand that she is crazy, and you did extremely well to get that across, but I want to know more about her tilted point of view.
Again, you have a great script and compelling story. I'm looking forward to seeing what this becomes as the semester continues.
Thanks everyone for all your feedback! Despite how it seems I AM excited about this project, I just have a hard time with self promotion and I'm still trying to figure out my characters and their stories which stresses me out because I feel like I should know all of that information already!
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteYou have a pretty intriguing script here. I think it is a pretty unique idea and I think you do an excellent job of capturing a character in Rose. I would like to see a little more insanity in the character, I think by creating more of a disconnect between Rose and reality would be help create a more tense and dramatic situation. I think that the stakes need to be raised drastically, and once that is accomplished I think your script has a very real chance to be very strong.
SO It kinda sucks that I already know what you're story is before reading the screenplay because I couldn't really answer your question "When did I realize that everything was just all in Rose's head" But other than that well done! :) I think it's a very good start with a lot of promising potential. There's a few things that I think you have to work on though:
ReplyDeleteDIALOGUE: honestly, the beginning was really dry. For some reason, while reading, the dialogue on the dinner scene feels very scripted and not natural at all. I think it's way too formal pf a conversation for a supposedly "dinner with family friends". Maybe loose the audition topic? I get that you're trying to set it up that Owen is a movie star but maybe instead of dropping the bomb "hey I'm an actor" in the most obvious ways (i.e. audition, movie roles), go for subtle hints like the new lifestyle, privacy issues etc. But towards the end, you're dialogue felt more natural.
PARENTS: why are they playing along? Why are they letting her believe that Owen is part of her world? Sure she's seeing a therapist but I don't think a parent would play along with this obviously, very serious hallucinations.
CREEPINESS FACTOR: Good but I think you can make this much much creepier. I LOVE the fact that she had his number, where the hell did she got that number? And yes the phone call at the end works for me.
I would really like to see more of her world in her point of view (if that makes sense? :P)
That's pretty much my concerns for now. Great detail on the picture of Owen and Jessica, so is Owen's line in the end matching from Rose's world to the DVD. Oh and another thing, your movie reminds me a lot of Shutter Island. If you haven't watched that movie, I say definitely give it a look. It also deals with a very disturbed character living in his own world. I think that movie can also help you a lot later on with styles on editing and cinematography. Throughout that movie, there's always little hints and confusion to the viewers on what is real and what isn't. Hope this helps! :)