Initial Reaction: I'm interested (and very well written). I can see your passion for the subject/genre and that's great because in my opinion it makes the story better.
I'm not entirely sure how we're supposed to give you feedback because you're writing a screenplay, but I will say that you're characters are interesting (I love Delvin's personality and I think you nailed it in the sense that he's a perfect mix between Neil Patrick Harris in HIMYM and Zachary Levi in Tangled), you're story in compelling, and I want to keep reading (and I really want to know what happens in between each scene).
This is sort of contradictory to what I just said about your characters being interesting, but I wish Diana was MORE interesting. You label her as character 1 so I automatically assume that she's going to be your main character, but by the time I finished reading your three scenes I was more attached to Delvin then Diana. This might have to do with the fact that your middle and final scene was more centered on Delvin, but if Diana is your main character and you're trying to sell the series to a network you might want to make her more prominent in the material you submit. You describe her so vividly in your journal that I was expecting to see more of her in your script than… Then again we're only seeing 3 scenes and I have no clue where they go in the overall story/episode/season so that information might affect this as well.
Overall, I think you have a strong grasp on your characters and the story that you want to tell and I can't wait to see what comes next (or in between)!
I have no access to open your journal. I do not know exactly why. About your script, Ricky, you have a value piece; however, I do not know why I cannot connect with your story. I get bored and distracted. Which is confusing because I like the story, it is well written, contains good dialogues, the characters’ features can become very "playful" if one develops the story in deep. I will read it tomorrow again with fresh eyes. Sorry about that.
Ricky, very well done! As Jennifer said, it's obvious you have a passion for this genre and I'm intrigued by how you said it was to be an animated TV series! I definitely had pictured in my mind a live-action film at first, and it was pretty awesome! I loved the opening scene, it really envelopes you into the story and showcases your writing. The middle scene adds a lot of character development that I find interesting. I loved the Delvin character, and unfortunately, that is the character I care about the most. I don't really have any sort of connection to Diana right now, but I'm hoping that in the scenes between, you'll develop a save-the-cat moment for me to fall for her.
Overall, great start and I'm looking forward to seeing the entire script fleshed out!
Okay so I read your journal before reading your script and wanted to write my initial thoughts. First of all, I really like how you describe your thoughts on animated shows. I personally am not a big fan of animation, but I loved reading about your perspective and your passion for this project. I think that's really important. I also think you did an exceptional job with your character references and casting references. Before reading your script, I feel like I already have a sense of your characters, which is great for your journal!
First scene - I really love the vivid description! It's exciting and fresh! I think, however, that you can cut some of the voiceover dialogue. It feels a bit heavy. Try to make it more concise and focus on the visuals because that is what is most interesting.
Middle scene - I feel like your dialogue between Delvin and Diana is a bit awkward. I'm not sure your intention since we don't see the whole story here, but I wish it felt a bit more natural. Overall, I think your ability to craft a world and a story is wonderful. I just think the dialogue could be stronger.
Final scene - I really like the interaction with the Voice in the Void and Delvin. I agree with Jen about Delvin being more interesting than Diana based on what we see. He really is intriguing!
This is a very well written piece and I applaud you for that. The only problem I have for me, is that I am not really into this genre of films, but that doesn't mean I don't like it. I didn't get a little confused trying to visualize the temples and chambers with the pillars, I know it is something extravagant and beyond thought, but maybe you can put some more descriptions for the locations and relate them to what the audiences can visualize to see the scene play out. I liked the character interaction a lot and thought the dialogue was well written as well. I could use some more back story to start of the film, maybe make some circumstances so the audience can visualize when this would be in time and what society they might be living in. Great start.
Good job BDR!! I think writing a screenplay is going to suit you very well! Like me, you have a larger than life scale, and that is very evident in this script! I really wish I could read more (and thats says a lot!)
I don't have much criticism to give. So far everyone has hit the nail on the head. Maybe less VO in the intro. Let THE ANIMATION do the talking! Give some detail in the locations. As in film with film direction keep it to a reasonable amount. Unless you are the Writer/Director you don't have a much say in the final product so just make it so the reader can visualize something. MAYBE, MAYBE tone Delvin down. I know the formula makes for a comedic (Eddie Murphy - Donkey) character, but from the tiny portion of script I feel a little overwhelmed with his hi-jinx (SP?). I understand there may not be enough information for me to jump to this conclusion, but I wanted to bring it to your attention. Don't let him get out of control.
Ritchie! Can I call you Ritchie? Good... Now let's move on.
I liked your starting project. I think we all know that you clearly have a good grasp of all things animation. It clearly shows in your script, in that it follows the conventions of animation that have been set out before you. I get a good sense of animation elements with the infusion of live-action styled movements of more recent CG-inspired animation films. I think its interesting that I pictured elements from Tangled as well as Kung-Fu Panda 2 (The intro) and they appeared in your film journal.
Let me just start by saying that I am interested to see how your story plays out in the long run. I think that you have given yourself a solid base to start with and it will be interesting to see how it plays out. With that being said I think that your introduction scene and even middle scene are leagues ahead of your final scene. I feel like the final scene lost a lot of steam especially in comparison to the strong strong start. Your concept is interesting and you did a great job of telling the story in the intro. The voice over didn't bother me at all in this screenplay because of the nature of the genre and its classical usage. I liked the introduction to Delvin and Diana (However, their names are too similar for my tastes personally). They seemed interesting and I find myself wondering who they are and why they are in this place and what is going to happen next. I really see the Flynn in Delvin especially in the action sequence and I love the classic use of "look over there".
Since I don't know what the gripping details are between the middle and end it leaves me wanting more in that sequence. Even still, I don't find myself seeking enough of a struggle between the two scenes to believe his turn and decision. Again, this is very initial feedback since you have left yourself time to grow, but I just didn't like Delvin's decision and dialogue in that scene. With that being said, I actually look forward to and hope you prove me wrong.
I think you are on the right track and with some work it can definitely grow into something that I would look forward to watching week in and week out.,
This definitely has a lot of you in it. Some of the dialogue has phrases I think I’ve heard you say in person, which is interesting. Not in a bad way though, none of it rang false, keeping your target audience in mind. I was expecting a message of environmental conscientiousness, or something of the sort, with a title like The Legends of Gaia. That would have been cool to see, particularly since you are going for younger audiences. With a world as fantastical as the one you describe is planet Earth even fitting? Perhaps it could be another world entirely. You created an extremely imaginative action adventure tale I think young audiences might get really engaged with.
Animation is a wonderful medium in the sense that it allows for many creative freedoms that would be difficult if not impossible to pull off in live action. I like how you made use of this freedom for the battle scenes and some of the vivid location descriptions. Like some others have mentioned, Diana needs a lot more development for the audience to have much of a connection. I’m sure you will take care of this when you expand the script. I think for all of your characters you need some more solid dialogue to build their characters in a meaningful way, with a sprinkling of whitty one liners, which you already got the hang of. Once again, very imaginative writing, can’t wait to see the rest.
I must concur with Jason on the Morgan Freeman tip. He doe’s fit well, and the man can never have to many roles.
I really think that you have a natural ability when it comes to writing and envisioning animations. This flowed really well and it was a very well written. I think that this is a great start and I'm interested to see where you are going with this concept. It'd be nice to know a little bit more of where the story is leading to. I personally don't watch to many animated films any more but I'd like to get some suggestions on watching some animated films that could help me relate to yours a little better, so I can give you some more advice on where you're trying to get at and maybe throw some in that inspired you.
Like everyone else has said, Really great start. You know your characters, and they are in a good jumping off point. I was following along with everything, I wasn't confused with the plot I never thought once that any of this was logistically impossible, because I did not care. I was entertained for the most of your script except for some of the dialogue between some of the characters which, and this is going to sound stupid, feels a little too cartoony. We can talk about that more in class and in person.
I think one of the things that is tough with such a fantastical story like your is that you are dealing with classic adventure fantasy story elements, but in a completely different scenario that you have created. I think you should really research some of the basic fundamental elements to classic fantasy, much like Lucas did for Star Wars. I think that you could really benefit from that. Delvin is a great character with a personality that really stands out on the page.
Loved it my dude. You clearly know your story, and are most intrigued with what you have going... Fantastic. I know we're in the early stages of the course and you have plenty of time to work on these things, but I'd like to see more from your final scene. With that said... I was never bored and never lost interest, which is a positive because I know nothing about this genre of film. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this script goes, and we'll talk more in class about it.
I think you are on the right track with this. You are a very strong writer and that is evident in this script. While this is a very early stage of the script I think you have a very clear idea of where you are heading with this and you have already created a very engrossing scene. I look forward to you continuing on with this.
PS- I think you should get together with Nick on his script and help him rock out his story within a story if you have time.
Initial Reaction: I'm interested (and very well written). I can see your passion for the subject/genre and that's great because in my opinion it makes the story better.
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely sure how we're supposed to give you feedback because you're writing a screenplay, but I will say that you're characters are interesting (I love Delvin's personality and I think you nailed it in the sense that he's a perfect mix between Neil Patrick Harris in HIMYM and Zachary Levi in Tangled), you're story in compelling, and I want to keep reading (and I really want to know what happens in between each scene).
This is sort of contradictory to what I just said about your characters being interesting, but I wish Diana was MORE interesting. You label her as character 1 so I automatically assume that she's going to be your main character, but by the time I finished reading your three scenes I was more attached to Delvin then Diana. This might have to do with the fact that your middle and final scene was more centered on Delvin, but if Diana is your main character and you're trying to sell the series to a network you might want to make her more prominent in the material you submit. You describe her so vividly in your journal that I was expecting to see more of her in your script than… Then again we're only seeing 3 scenes and I have no clue where they go in the overall story/episode/season so that information might affect this as well.
Overall, I think you have a strong grasp on your characters and the story that you want to tell and I can't wait to see what comes next (or in between)!
Very Well Written Piece
ReplyDeleteI have no access to open your journal. I do not know exactly why.
About your script, Ricky, you have a value piece; however, I do not know why I cannot connect with your story. I get bored and distracted. Which is confusing because I like the story, it is well written, contains good dialogues, the characters’ features can become very "playful" if one develops the story in deep. I will read it tomorrow again with fresh eyes. Sorry about that.
Ricky, very well done! As Jennifer said, it's obvious you have a passion for this genre and I'm intrigued by how you said it was to be an animated TV series! I definitely had pictured in my mind a live-action film at first, and it was pretty awesome! I loved the opening scene, it really envelopes you into the story and showcases your writing. The middle scene adds a lot of character development that I find interesting. I loved the Delvin character, and unfortunately, that is the character I care about the most. I don't really have any sort of connection to Diana right now, but I'm hoping that in the scenes between, you'll develop a save-the-cat moment for me to fall for her.
ReplyDeleteOverall, great start and I'm looking forward to seeing the entire script fleshed out!
Okay so I read your journal before reading your script and wanted to write my initial thoughts. First of all, I really like how you describe your thoughts on animated shows. I personally am not a big fan of animation, but I loved reading about your perspective and your passion for this project. I think that's really important. I also think you did an exceptional job with your character references and casting references. Before reading your script, I feel like I already have a sense of your characters, which is great for your journal!
ReplyDeleteFirst scene - I really love the vivid description! It's exciting and fresh! I think, however, that you can cut some of the voiceover dialogue. It feels a bit heavy. Try to make it more concise and focus on the visuals because that is what is most interesting.
Middle scene - I feel like your dialogue between Delvin and Diana is a bit awkward. I'm not sure your intention since we don't see the whole story here, but I wish it felt a bit more natural. Overall, I think your ability to craft a world and a story is wonderful. I just think the dialogue could be stronger.
Final scene - I really like the interaction with the Voice in the Void and Delvin. I agree with Jen about Delvin being more interesting than Diana based on what we see. He really is intriguing!
Overall, great start!
This is a very well written piece and I applaud you for that. The only problem I have for me, is that I am not really into this genre of films, but that doesn't mean I don't like it. I didn't get a little confused trying to visualize the temples and chambers with the pillars, I know it is something extravagant and beyond thought, but maybe you can put some more descriptions for the locations and relate them to what the audiences can visualize to see the scene play out. I liked the character interaction a lot and thought the dialogue was well written as well. I could use some more back story to start of the film, maybe make some circumstances so the audience can visualize when this would be in time and what society they might be living in. Great start.
ReplyDeleteGood job BDR!! I think writing a screenplay is going to suit you very well! Like me, you have a larger than life scale, and that is very evident in this script! I really wish I could read more (and thats says a lot!)
ReplyDeleteI don't have much criticism to give. So far everyone has hit the nail on the head.
Maybe less VO in the intro. Let THE ANIMATION do the talking!
Give some detail in the locations. As in film with film direction keep it to a reasonable amount. Unless you are the Writer/Director you don't have a much say in the final product so just make it so the reader can visualize something.
MAYBE, MAYBE tone Delvin down. I know the formula makes for a comedic (Eddie Murphy - Donkey) character, but from the tiny portion of script I feel a little overwhelmed with his hi-jinx (SP?). I understand there may not be enough information for me to jump to this conclusion, but I wanted to bring it to your attention. Don't let him get out of control.
I can't wait to read your next portion!
PS... Morgan Freeman as Ramuh!!!
Ritchie! Can I call you Ritchie? Good... Now let's move on.
ReplyDeleteI liked your starting project. I think we all know that you clearly have a good grasp of all things animation. It clearly shows in your script, in that it follows the conventions of animation that have been set out before you. I get a good sense of animation elements with the infusion of live-action styled movements of more recent CG-inspired animation films. I think its interesting that I pictured elements from Tangled as well as Kung-Fu Panda 2 (The intro) and they appeared in your film journal.
Let me just start by saying that I am interested to see how your story plays out in the long run. I think that you have given yourself a solid base to start with and it will be interesting to see how it plays out. With that being said I think that your introduction scene and even middle scene are leagues ahead of your final scene. I feel like the final scene lost a lot of steam especially in comparison to the strong strong start. Your concept is interesting and you did a great job of telling the story in the intro. The voice over didn't bother me at all in this screenplay because of the nature of the genre and its classical usage. I liked the introduction to Delvin and Diana (However, their names are too similar for my tastes personally). They seemed interesting and I find myself wondering who they are and why they are in this place and what is going to happen next. I really see the Flynn in Delvin especially in the action sequence and I love the classic use of "look over there".
Since I don't know what the gripping details are between the middle and end it leaves me wanting more in that sequence. Even still, I don't find myself seeking enough of a struggle between the two scenes to believe his turn and decision. Again, this is very initial feedback since you have left yourself time to grow, but I just didn't like Delvin's decision and dialogue in that scene. With that being said, I actually look forward to and hope you prove me wrong.
I think you are on the right track and with some work it can definitely grow into something that I would look forward to watching week in and week out.,
This definitely has a lot of you in it. Some of the dialogue has phrases I think I’ve heard you say in person, which is interesting. Not in a bad way though, none of it rang false, keeping your target audience in mind. I was expecting a message of environmental conscientiousness, or something of the sort, with a title like The Legends of Gaia. That would have been cool to see, particularly since you are going for younger audiences. With a world as fantastical as the one you describe is planet Earth even fitting? Perhaps it could be another world entirely. You created an extremely imaginative action adventure tale I think young audiences might get really engaged with.
ReplyDeleteAnimation is a wonderful medium in the sense that it allows for many creative freedoms that would be difficult if not impossible to pull off in live action. I like how you made use of this freedom for the battle scenes and some of the vivid location descriptions. Like some others have mentioned, Diana needs a lot more development for the audience to have much of a connection. I’m sure you will take care of this when you expand the script. I think for all of your characters you need some more solid dialogue to build their characters in a meaningful way, with a sprinkling of whitty one liners, which you already got the hang of. Once again, very imaginative writing, can’t wait to see the rest.
I must concur with Jason on the Morgan Freeman tip. He doe’s fit well, and the man can never have to many roles.
Ricky,
ReplyDeleteI really think that you have a natural ability when it comes to writing and envisioning animations. This flowed really well and it was a very well written. I think that this is a great start and I'm interested to see where you are going with this concept. It'd be nice to know a little bit more of where the story is leading to. I personally don't watch to many animated films any more but I'd like to get some suggestions on watching some animated films that could help me relate to yours a little better, so I can give you some more advice on where you're trying to get at and maybe throw some in that inspired you.
Richie,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has said, Really great start. You know your characters, and they are in a good jumping off point. I was following along with everything, I wasn't confused with the plot I never thought once that any of this was logistically impossible, because I did not care. I was entertained for the most of your script except for some of the dialogue between some of the characters which, and this is going to sound stupid, feels a little too cartoony. We can talk about that more in class and in person.
I think one of the things that is tough with such a fantastical story like your is that you are dealing with classic adventure fantasy story elements, but in a completely different scenario that you have created. I think you should really research some of the basic fundamental elements to classic fantasy, much like Lucas did for Star Wars. I think that you could really benefit from that. Delvin is a great character with a personality that really stands out on the page.
Good work.
Rich
ReplyDeleteLoved it my dude.
You clearly know your story, and are most intrigued with what you have going... Fantastic.
I know we're in the early stages of the course and you have plenty of time to work on these things, but I'd like to see more from your final scene. With that said... I was never bored and never lost interest, which is a positive because I know nothing about this genre of film.
I'm really looking forward to seeing where this script goes, and we'll talk more in class about it.
Excellent.
Richie,
ReplyDeleteI think you are on the right track with this. You are a very strong writer and that is evident in this script. While this is a very early stage of the script I think you have a very clear idea of where you are heading with this and you have already created a very engrossing scene. I look forward to you continuing on with this.
PS- I think you should get together with Nick on his script and help him rock out his story within a story if you have time.