I'm not really sure what kind of feedback to give because you seem to be aware of the issues you'll come across. The screenplay is short and it was a quick read, but at the same time I think you'll be able to achieve the slow pace you desire through shooting and editing. For some reason I see a lot of your film resembling the first few minutes of the "Anti Christ;" mainly the slow motion. I am a little confused in the sense that I'm not entirely sure what your film is about, but at the same time I see the moral of the story, I feel the isolation, the helplessness and the fear although I don't know where funny is supposed to come in. I also don't fully understand the purpose of the girl… Is she there to represent another moment of isolation and loneliness? Either way I think you have something very unique and interesting on your hands and I can't wait to see how it turns out!
Great job helping us visualize the story. I wasn't lost with what I was supposed to be seeing in my head at all. I actually made sure to listen to Moonlight sonata while reading this. I completely get the pace. It blends together very nicely, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND for EVERYONE to read your script while listening to it. It just makes sense. The isolation, the sense of what is real and what isn't is great. Yours I see it alot like mine. Where as, the length of the script WILL NOT determine the pace of the film.
The one thing I have difficulty with is that it seems that your film has two climaxes. Where he takes of his helmet and stabs the Mona Lisa. I would like to hear from you personally what you think is the real climax of the film, and what are the resolution acts.
I have a few questions for you that I might save for class.
As always, I really enjoy the character you’ve created and his complexity.
I have a question for you, why do you have chosen two overused pieces of art such as Moonlight and the Mona Lisa? What does that mean for you? What does that mean for your character? (I’m just intrigued)
Keep the red chair. It was salient.
The shutter sounds… I have my doubts. Think about other sounds that can transmit something more peculiar, something that gives more information or less, but that keep the audience more intrigued; In other words, something less evident . It is contradictory… more time I think about change the shutter sound, the better it works in my mind. Does anyone have a substitute sound that can work?
I am very interested in the visuals. You do a great job vividly painting pictures for us. I'm sure that if you can find the right locations, sets, etc., this will be, at the very least, quite beautiful. I am also very interested in the concept of Troy's isolation. You lay that out in a great way, and I can see both the feelings of The Tree of Life and 2001 in your film. I especially love the message at the end. It really reminded me of The Tree of Life.
I also love the idea of the girl. The image you put in your journal of the girl is beautiful. I actually have someone who is auditioning for my film who looks perfect for the girl in your film. Let me know when you're casting if you want her contact information. She looks a lot like the girl in that photo you posted.
The main problem I have with your film is the dialogue. I know you keep it to a minimum, but the moments in your film are great, and I think the dialogue you include kind of hurts it. The silence could be quite beautiful, and the dialogue, to me, feels forced and out of place in the midst of this isolation. It doesn't make sense to me that Troy would talk to himself. When he calls out to the astronaut, that makes sense. I would like it a lot more if that was the only dialogue. It would add more weight to that - to show him reaching out of his isolation to someone else and how important that moment is.
Regardless, I'm excited to see where you take this!
The visuals you create in this screenplay are fantastic! The pacing in your film is great - I love it! Your story almost reminds me of HG Wells' short stories, particularly "A Moonlight Fable." It doesn't really have anything to do with your story, but something about this passage (for whatever reason) reminds me of possibly the tone you've described: "There was no darkness in the world, but only warm, mysterious shadows; and all the leaves and spikes were edged and lined with iridescent jewels of dew. The night was warmer than any night had ever been, the heavens by some miracle at once vaster and nearer, and spite of the great ivory-tinted moon that ruled the world, the sky was full of stars."
Anyway, I loved Troy. He was such an interesting character that I couldn't stop reading. And the girl you describe (and the picture you put in your journal) are breathtaking and work really well with this film. I do agree with Kristine that perhaps having the only dialogue in the film be when he calls out to the astronaut because it would enhance the isolation aspect of the film.
This is a pretty big undertaking and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes from here!
I'm a fucking moron. I have no idea what's going on here. I think my attention deficit really played a major role in this. I had no idea where I was supposed to be at many given times. It seems everyone else seems to have grasped this concept, is that correct? Am I the only one who is just purely lost?
Please don't be the only one...
:( Sorry Ty. I need you to explain this one to me. Maybe with pop-up pictures and an ABC book too.
I think your concept does an excellent job of communicating the desired emotions. For some reason I think of Hal when the flashing red light is mentioned. I am a little confused as to where this light originates. Is the Mona Lisa in the dinning room or the hallway? I love the peculiarities of the metal ball, and the inexplicable red light. The scene transitions do an amazing job of communicating Troy’s estrangement from reality, and let the audience really enjoy the process of putting the puzzle pieces together. I sense a slight Kubrickian 2001 influence, however, the isolation as portrayed through Troy was approached very uniquely. I don’t want to compare this work with 2001, but be aware your audience will be looking for similarities. The disjointed visuals feel like a glimpse into the psyche of Troy, and the unraveling of his rationality. As far as the dialogue goes, it could use some slight modification, although I don’t think reducing all dialogue to just the beach scene would particularly help. Troy talking to himself could easily seem unnatural, but perhaps it could help clue the audience in on the extent of the isolation he is experiencing. Great concept.
I really enjoyed this read. I think that you are definitely heading for something that is a little different and off-kilter in a good way. When you pitched me the idea of your film I could see that it was something that you really wanted to make, and your idea was good. I really enjoyed your passion for it and despite really liking the premise, that helped me like your project even more. After reading it, it sounds weird but I like the project that much more. I think you have done a good job of not only conveying what you had talked about, but even expanding on it.
I love the isolationist aspect of the film that takes place in moments in time. I love the fact that you are offered a few different looks at Troy's life without being spoon-fed everything. You also offer up various nuggets of information as to who he really is and what has happened to him without being obvious. I think you have done a good job of providing interesting ways of introducing the characters emotional state and what keeps driving him with the Mona Lisa and the Button.
I think that you have set yourself up for an incredibly visual character-driven film. I think that the visuals that you have written in your script really pop out upon reading them. I especially liked the Pool sequence in which he accepts his life in the darkness and the possible loss of true reality to him.
I think I stand on the fence when it comes to the dialogue which Devon and Kristine both talk about. I think that the lack of dialogue in both instances (Where it stands now and the suggestions) both have their advantages and disadvantages. I think that your dialogue is currently sparse enough that you still receive a huge boost in isolation either way. While I agree that it places that much more of an emphasis on the later dialogue. I do also think that dialogue can help showcase the turn in the character since it is placed in a few spots that truly bracket his emotional state in the film. I also think that since you want a slower paced film according to your journal, that by only having truly 7 lines of dialogue that you are already creating an isolationist aspect in and of itself.
I think that you are definitely on the right track and I do truly look forward to whatever next comes of your script.
Very, very, very interesting film. After reading your script, I knew what was going on, but for the most part was lost. But once I read your journal the script clicked for me, great journal. I understand what us, as the audience is really trying to be feeling. I think there should be more information on the circumstances for the beginning of the film. Maybe a short montage of events to where the audience can really understand the time period the film is in. This is going to be a very visual film and I believe that is why up your alley. Work on the characters more to give us more understanding of who they really are, and that can be done by one event they are placed in. Great start!
I don't really know what I just read, but I think it's fantastic. One thing I like about our class so far is that all the projects are very different from each other, and I'm really getting a 2001 vibe from you. It's great that you put "Moonlight Sonata" in the script, because as soon as I read that I immediately started listening to it to see how it flowed with your story. The result? Very well. Maybe it's because I'm imagining everything on the moon moving slower (due to the lower gravity and whatnot) and the scene where Troy runs through the valley I pictured to be a very long shot of him slowly running from the right side of the frame to the left with nothing else going on and this song in the background. It was really effective.
I'd love to see storyboards for this.
Also, as far as I'm concerned, I don't really even think you truly need any dialogue at all. Most of the lines being said can be conveyed with a look, and it would make the written words that much more relevant, as it's the only real communication we're getting. If anything, just keep the line "Perfect" as him speaking out loud and the audience hearing it would convey a sense that things truly are perfect now, which is why the sound has returned.
Dear Tyler, I think you are super handsome... Now that that is out of the way. I frackin loved your script. This was very well written and pretty disturbing if I may say so myself... but i loved it... I remember you telling me your concept one drunkin' evening and I had no idea where you were going with this.. but now that i have read it, i definitely like the direction you are going. Also, because i took Trent's advice, I read your script with moonlight Sonata playing in the background and it definitely enhanced your story and imagery by a lot, so great song choice.
This really reminded me of that film Adam told us to see last week, Melancholia. Though that film was not my taste, there are definitely some things that you can get from that movie. Especially with its use of music.
The one problem i had with it was the ending... during the first part of your script... I had this whole idea of what if you were an astronaut in a space station on the moon, and for some reason, while you were up there, the world ended... and you were just stranded out there by yourself... what would you be going through? Especially knowing that everyone on Earth just had a quick painful death, and you are about to die slowly. I thought that was the direction you were going in, and was kind of disappointed when it wasn't... but thats just me and maybe something for you to think about. I guess there needs to be a bit more at stake for this character... other than him being alone in outer space.
Very well written... And as suggested above, I too listened to Moonlight Sonata while reading and the visuals were jumping off the page to say the least. Your idea of exchanging reality with him on the beach worked fantastic for me, and I was never caught up in the words of the script. The flow and pacing for a shorter script was very naturalistic, and I felt connected with Troy throughout the story. We've all sensed a feeling of loneliness and nothingness, and you absolutely created those emotions as I was reading. Great work. I'm really looking forward to seeing this bad boy progress... And we'll definitely talk more in class.
Better late than never. Like most of the class, I was intrigued. I had to remind myself not to try and find reason to what you were describing for I felt it distracting. Instead, I waited till the end. I like that it's different from the majority of the projects a film student usually takes. I admire your dedication for the silent and trying to tell a story with just images. I find these to be the hardest, but you have such intriguing and compelling images that I know people will not lose interest. Correct me if i'm wrong, but it felt like an homage to many films i.e., 2001, The Searchers, obviously, a scene that I love btw, and many more. I'm not really sure what to make of it, tho. It would be interesting and to see you talk about it and see what it is that strives you to make this film and what it is that you want to say, period. It would be much of help. For right now I have my own interpretations. I shall read your journal to see if I'm missing something or not. Visually, I can already see it stunning. As for your dialogue, it's simple but not as compelling as your story. Not sure whether that's bad thing, tho.
I'm really digging this story. I think that this has a ton on potential and I am picking up some really awesome visuals off of this. I think that you have a very interesting story that is designed to be built more as an allegorical piece similar to 2001 or even Moon. I think that you need to strengthen some areas in that allegorical sense, but you have a very distinctive message in your script. I am excited to see all of this play out, and I am even more intrigued to see who/how this gets shot.
First Thoughts: Wow! That was really different.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what kind of feedback to give because you seem to be aware of the issues you'll come across. The screenplay is short and it was a quick read, but at the same time I think you'll be able to achieve the slow pace you desire through shooting and editing. For some reason I see a lot of your film resembling the first few minutes of the "Anti Christ;" mainly the slow motion. I am a little confused in the sense that I'm not entirely sure what your film is about, but at the same time I see the moral of the story, I feel the isolation, the helplessness and the fear although I don't know where funny is supposed to come in. I also don't fully understand the purpose of the girl… Is she there to represent another moment of isolation and loneliness? Either way I think you have something very unique and interesting on your hands and I can't wait to see how it turns out!
Ty,
ReplyDeleteGreat job helping us visualize the story. I wasn't lost with what I was supposed to be seeing in my head at all. I actually made sure to listen to Moonlight sonata while reading this. I completely get the pace. It blends together very nicely, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND for EVERYONE to read your script while listening to it. It just makes sense. The isolation, the sense of what is real and what isn't is great. Yours I see it alot like mine. Where as, the length of the script WILL NOT determine the pace of the film.
The one thing I have difficulty with is that it seems that your film has two climaxes. Where he takes of his helmet and stabs the Mona Lisa. I would like to hear from you personally what you think is the real climax of the film, and what are the resolution acts.
I have a few questions for you that I might save for class.
Visual Poetry
ReplyDeleteAs always, I really enjoy the character you’ve created and his complexity.
I have a question for you, why do you have chosen two overused pieces of art such as Moonlight and the Mona Lisa? What does that mean for you? What does that mean for your character? (I’m just intrigued)
Keep the red chair. It was salient.
The shutter sounds… I have my doubts. Think about other sounds that can transmit something more peculiar, something that gives more information or less, but that keep the audience more intrigued; In other words, something less evident . It is contradictory… more time I think about change the shutter sound, the better it works in my mind. Does anyone have a substitute sound that can work?
I am very interested in the visuals. You do a great job vividly painting pictures for us. I'm sure that if you can find the right locations, sets, etc., this will be, at the very least, quite beautiful. I am also very interested in the concept of Troy's isolation. You lay that out in a great way, and I can see both the feelings of The Tree of Life and 2001 in your film. I especially love the message at the end. It really reminded me of The Tree of Life.
ReplyDeleteI also love the idea of the girl. The image you put in your journal of the girl is beautiful. I actually have someone who is auditioning for my film who looks perfect for the girl in your film. Let me know when you're casting if you want her contact information. She looks a lot like the girl in that photo you posted.
The main problem I have with your film is the dialogue. I know you keep it to a minimum, but the moments in your film are great, and I think the dialogue you include kind of hurts it. The silence could be quite beautiful, and the dialogue, to me, feels forced and out of place in the midst of this isolation. It doesn't make sense to me that Troy would talk to himself. When he calls out to the astronaut, that makes sense. I would like it a lot more if that was the only dialogue. It would add more weight to that - to show him reaching out of his isolation to someone else and how important that moment is.
Regardless, I'm excited to see where you take this!
Ty,
ReplyDeleteThe visuals you create in this screenplay are fantastic! The pacing in your film is great - I love it!
Your story almost reminds me of HG Wells' short stories, particularly "A Moonlight Fable." It doesn't really have anything to do with your story, but something about this passage (for whatever reason) reminds me of possibly the tone you've described:
"There was no darkness in the world, but only warm, mysterious shadows; and all the leaves and spikes were edged and lined with iridescent jewels of dew. The night was warmer than any night had ever been, the heavens by some miracle at once vaster and nearer, and spite of the great ivory-tinted moon that ruled the world, the sky was full of stars."
Anyway, I loved Troy. He was such an interesting character that I couldn't stop reading. And the girl you describe (and the picture you put in your journal) are breathtaking and work really well with this film. I do agree with Kristine that perhaps having the only dialogue in the film be when he calls out to the astronaut because it would enhance the isolation aspect of the film.
This is a pretty big undertaking and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes from here!
I'm a fucking moron. I have no idea what's going on here. I think my attention deficit really played a major role in this. I had no idea where I was supposed to be at many given times. It seems everyone else seems to have grasped this concept, is that correct? Am I the only one who is just purely lost?
ReplyDeletePlease don't be the only one...
:( Sorry Ty. I need you to explain this one to me. Maybe with pop-up pictures and an ABC book too.
I think your concept does an excellent job of communicating the desired emotions. For some reason I think of Hal when the flashing red light is mentioned. I am a little confused as to where this light originates. Is the Mona Lisa in the dinning room or the hallway? I love the peculiarities of the metal ball, and the inexplicable red light. The scene transitions do an amazing job of communicating Troy’s estrangement from reality, and let the audience really enjoy the process of putting the puzzle pieces together.
ReplyDeleteI sense a slight Kubrickian 2001 influence, however, the isolation as portrayed through Troy was approached very uniquely. I don’t want to compare this work with 2001, but be aware your audience will be looking for similarities. The disjointed visuals feel like a glimpse into the psyche of Troy, and the unraveling of his rationality. As far as the dialogue goes, it could use some slight modification, although I don’t think reducing all dialogue to just the beach scene would particularly help. Troy talking to himself could easily seem unnatural, but perhaps it could help clue the audience in on the extent of the isolation he is experiencing. Great concept.
Ty,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this read. I think that you are definitely heading for something that is a little different and off-kilter in a good way. When you pitched me the idea of your film I could see that it was something that you really wanted to make, and your idea was good. I really enjoyed your passion for it and despite really liking the premise, that helped me like your project even more. After reading it, it sounds weird but I like the project that much more. I think you have done a good job of not only conveying what you had talked about, but even expanding on it.
I love the isolationist aspect of the film that takes place in moments in time. I love the fact that you are offered a few different looks at Troy's life without being spoon-fed everything. You also offer up various nuggets of information as to who he really is and what has happened to him without being obvious. I think you have done a good job of providing interesting ways of introducing the characters emotional state and what keeps driving him with the Mona Lisa and the Button.
I think that you have set yourself up for an incredibly visual character-driven film. I think that the visuals that you have written in your script really pop out upon reading them. I especially liked the Pool sequence in which he accepts his life in the darkness and the possible loss of true reality to him.
I think I stand on the fence when it comes to the dialogue which Devon and Kristine both talk about. I think that the lack of dialogue in both instances (Where it stands now and the suggestions) both have their advantages and disadvantages. I think that your dialogue is currently sparse enough that you still receive a huge boost in isolation either way. While I agree that it places that much more of an emphasis on the later dialogue. I do also think that dialogue can help showcase the turn in the character since it is placed in a few spots that truly bracket his emotional state in the film. I also think that since you want a slower paced film according to your journal, that by only having truly 7 lines of dialogue that you are already creating an isolationist aspect in and of itself.
I think that you are definitely on the right track and I do truly look forward to whatever next comes of your script.
Very, very, very interesting film. After reading your script, I knew what was going on, but for the most part was lost. But once I read your journal the script clicked for me, great journal. I understand what us, as the audience is really trying to be feeling. I think there should be more information on the circumstances for the beginning of the film. Maybe a short montage of events to where the audience can really understand the time period the film is in. This is going to be a very visual film and I believe that is why up your alley. Work on the characters more to give us more understanding of who they really are, and that can be done by one event they are placed in. Great start!
ReplyDeleteTy
ReplyDeleteI don't really know what I just read, but I think it's fantastic. One thing I like about our class so far is that all the projects are very different from each other, and I'm really getting a 2001 vibe from you. It's great that you put "Moonlight Sonata" in the script, because as soon as I read that I immediately started listening to it to see how it flowed with your story. The result? Very well. Maybe it's because I'm imagining everything on the moon moving slower (due to the lower gravity and whatnot) and the scene where Troy runs through the valley I pictured to be a very long shot of him slowly running from the right side of the frame to the left with nothing else going on and this song in the background. It was really effective.
I'd love to see storyboards for this.
Also, as far as I'm concerned, I don't really even think you truly need any dialogue at all. Most of the lines being said can be conveyed with a look, and it would make the written words that much more relevant, as it's the only real communication we're getting. If anything, just keep the line "Perfect" as him speaking out loud and the audience hearing it would convey a sense that things truly are perfect now, which is why the sound has returned.
Fantastic work
Dear Tyler,
ReplyDeleteI think you are super handsome...
Now that that is out of the way. I frackin loved your script. This was very well written and pretty disturbing if I may say so myself... but i loved it... I remember you telling me your concept one drunkin' evening and I had no idea where you were going with this.. but now that i have read it, i definitely like the direction you are going. Also, because i took Trent's advice, I read your script with moonlight Sonata playing in the background and it definitely enhanced your story and imagery by a lot, so great song choice.
This really reminded me of that film Adam told us to see last week, Melancholia. Though that film was not my taste, there are definitely some things that you can get from that movie. Especially with its use of music.
The one problem i had with it was the ending... during the first part of your script... I had this whole idea of what if you were an astronaut in a space station on the moon, and for some reason, while you were up there, the world ended... and you were just stranded out there by yourself... what would you be going through? Especially knowing that everyone on Earth just had a quick painful death, and you are about to die slowly. I thought that was the direction you were going in, and was kind of disappointed when it wasn't... but thats just me and maybe something for you to think about. I guess there needs to be a bit more at stake for this character... other than him being alone in outer space.
Okay..
BYYEEE
Love,
Nick
Well Ty... I'm excited.
ReplyDeleteVery well written... And as suggested above, I too listened to Moonlight Sonata while reading and the visuals were jumping off the page to say the least.
Your idea of exchanging reality with him on the beach worked fantastic for me, and I was never caught up in the words of the script. The flow and pacing for a shorter script was very naturalistic, and I felt connected with Troy throughout the story.
We've all sensed a feeling of loneliness and nothingness, and you absolutely created those emotions as I was reading. Great work.
I'm really looking forward to seeing this bad boy progress... And we'll definitely talk more in class.
Better late than never.
ReplyDeleteLike most of the class, I was intrigued. I had to remind myself not to try and find reason to what you were describing for I felt it distracting. Instead, I waited till the end. I like that it's different from the majority of the projects a film student usually takes. I admire your dedication for the silent and trying to tell a story with just images. I find these to be the hardest, but you have such intriguing and compelling images that I know people will not lose interest. Correct me if i'm wrong, but it felt like an homage to many films i.e., 2001, The Searchers, obviously, a scene that I love btw, and many more. I'm not really sure what to make of it, tho. It would be interesting and to see you talk about it and see what it is that strives you to make this film and what it is that you want to say, period. It would be much of help. For right now I have my own interpretations. I shall read your journal to see if I'm missing something or not. Visually, I can already see it stunning. As for your dialogue, it's simple but not as compelling as your story. Not sure whether that's bad thing, tho.
Ty,
ReplyDeleteI'm really digging this story. I think that this has a ton on potential and I am picking up some really awesome visuals off of this. I think that you have a very interesting story that is designed to be built more as an allegorical piece similar to 2001 or even Moon. I think that you need to strengthen some areas in that allegorical sense, but you have a very distinctive message in your script. I am excited to see all of this play out, and I am even more intrigued to see who/how this gets shot.