I'm sorry if I repeat myself here, but there's not a whole lot changed from your first draft so there's not a whole lot new I can comment on.
I still think that your script's strongest asset is its visual style, and I know last time we talked you were a little concerned about length. I don't really think you have to worry about that too much here, mostly due to the fact that the visuals will help carry it. I also imagine the film moving at a more subdued pace, so I think that will help diminish your concerns about its less than heavy page numbers.
I still think your opening dialogue can use some cuts at the end. I know that you're adapting somebody else's work, and that these lines might have come from that earlier work, but I don't think they're necessary. The "Liars. Hypocrites. Damn fools." trio of lines gets everything you need to know across. The rest of it just doesn't feel natural to me at all and takes me out of it.
Overall though your script is very strong and I think that strength stems from the passion you clearly have for the project. This is something you really want to do, that much is clear, and I think that'll help you make it a good movie.
Since this story is such a visual story with barely any dialogue, you need to make sure that feelings are portrayed through the events that happen. To make that happened it means that the acting has to be real and the emotion has to be over the top, the cinematography has to be over the top and it has to be seamless editing. Right now, I am not getting any emotion out of it, I don’t feel anything from this story, the beginning with the voice-overs, I feel the emotion there, but all the flashbacks with the mirror aren’t giving me anything. If there was more dialogue I think that would help, but if you don’t want dialogue than the visual performances have to be really good. That being said, I do like the ending where it goes back and forth between the wife and husband, I think that works really well. I would just work on the in between on the beginning and the end.
I still think that your script is a bit rough around the edges. I think it could still flow quite a bit better, and I think the more emotional scenes need to have a specific asset to them that will enhance the performance of your actors. I was looking forward to seeing what you had done for your journal because I think it could definitely help your script. Even looking around at photographs was helpful for me because it helped enhance my vision and pinpoint details of what I wanted during a specific scene. I know you probably have a lot going on but it'd be nice to see a bit more of something. I think you really need to sit down one day and have somebody go through and really find out whats working and whats not and pinpoint all the trouble areas and then go into the visualizations and determinate how much of the visual enhancement you are going after and how it'll effect the performance you are looking for.
I enjoyed the changes you made. I really wish they highlighted the changes for easier comparison with the original draft. You will get better feedback from everyone if you do. Expanding the hallway/multiple room scene was interesting. I felt like I got a much-needed glimpse into her past and the struggles she’s endeared which brings her to her ultimate decision. The action of her grandfather was interesting and perplexing. It build’s the grandmother as a more kind and compassionate character, which serves the story well. It’s pretty sad both the grandparent’s ended up in such poor health. I enjoy the use of the mirror as a portal into her flashback like experience with the young girl.
I would very much like to see some image references for the looks your going for. It’s a solid script, although I think it would read smoother if more of the descriptive action was in paragraph form.
I read your first script all the way through, but I couldn't this time around. I got to page three and had to stop. I don't recall the SPECIFICS of what you changed or how much V.O. you addeded, but it feels VERY OVERWHELMING to me. Please, please, please do not take this the wrong way. I somehow always end up giving less than positive feedback, and I really HATE that. Just know that I mean well, and I want your film to be HONEST and PASSIONATE.
I will tell you some personal things about myself and I hope by sharing my experience I can enhance yours. I am 28 and have been in a VERY SERIOUS relationship for 6+ years. We lived together, got dogs together, and were practically married (minus the actual ceremony). This relationship just ended horribly two weeks ago, and it is NOTHING like what you have in your script. Our break-up resulted in a very long, honest conversation that did involve tears and many questions like "WHY?" "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE..." etc. It did not, has not, and will not result in THROWING shit, BREAKING shit, and being heavily over dramatic. I think if you spend a small amount of time talking to people who have been through a divorce or have even been burned in a relationship you might find better ways to demonstrate your character's emotion.
Again, please do not take this the wrong way. I also want to add that your script is not my style either, so that may add a significant bias. I hope this feedback is something you can really consider even though it may not be what you want to hear. Take some time to separate from it, and come back to it a bit later. IT HELPS! TRUST ME!
Hey Devon
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if I repeat myself here, but there's not a whole lot changed from your first draft so there's not a whole lot new I can comment on.
I still think that your script's strongest asset is its visual style, and I know last time we talked you were a little concerned about length. I don't really think you have to worry about that too much here, mostly due to the fact that the visuals will help carry it. I also imagine the film moving at a more subdued pace, so I think that will help diminish your concerns about its less than heavy page numbers.
I still think your opening dialogue can use some cuts at the end. I know that you're adapting somebody else's work, and that these lines might have come from that earlier work, but I don't think they're necessary. The "Liars. Hypocrites. Damn fools." trio of lines gets everything you need to know across. The rest of it just doesn't feel natural to me at all and takes me out of it.
Overall though your script is very strong and I think that strength stems from the passion you clearly have for the project. This is something you really want to do, that much is clear, and I think that'll help you make it a good movie.
Since this story is such a visual story with barely any dialogue, you need to make sure that feelings are portrayed through the events that happen. To make that happened it means that the acting has to be real and the emotion has to be over the top, the cinematography has to be over the top and it has to be seamless editing. Right now, I am not getting any emotion out of it, I don’t feel anything from this story, the beginning with the voice-overs, I feel the emotion there, but all the flashbacks with the mirror aren’t giving me anything. If there was more dialogue I think that would help, but if you don’t want dialogue than the visual performances have to be really good. That being said, I do like the ending where it goes back and forth between the wife and husband, I think that works really well. I would just work on the in between on the beginning and the end.
ReplyDeleteDevon,
ReplyDeleteI still think that your script is a bit rough around the edges. I think it could still flow quite a bit better, and I think the more emotional scenes need to have a specific asset to them that will enhance the performance of your actors. I was looking forward to seeing what you had done for your journal because I think it could definitely help your script. Even looking around at photographs was helpful for me because it helped enhance my vision and pinpoint details of what I wanted during a specific scene. I know you probably have a lot going on but it'd be nice to see a bit more of something. I think you really need to sit down one day and have somebody go through and really find out whats working and whats not and pinpoint all the trouble areas and then go into the visualizations and determinate how much of the visual enhancement you are going after and how it'll effect the performance you are looking for.
I enjoyed the changes you made. I really wish they highlighted the changes for easier comparison with the original draft. You will get better feedback from everyone if you do. Expanding the hallway/multiple room scene was interesting. I felt like I got a much-needed glimpse into her past and the struggles she’s endeared which brings her to her ultimate decision. The action of her grandfather was interesting and perplexing. It build’s the grandmother as a more kind and compassionate character, which serves the story well. It’s pretty sad both the grandparent’s ended up in such poor health. I enjoy the use of the mirror as a portal into her flashback like experience with the young girl.
ReplyDeleteI would very much like to see some image references for the looks your going for. It’s a solid script, although I think it would read smoother if more of the descriptive action was in paragraph form.
Devon,
ReplyDeleteI read your first script all the way through, but I couldn't this time around. I got to page three and had to stop. I don't recall the SPECIFICS of what you changed or how much V.O. you addeded, but it feels VERY OVERWHELMING to me. Please, please, please do not take this the wrong way. I somehow always end up giving less than positive feedback, and I really HATE that. Just know that I mean well, and I want your film to be HONEST and PASSIONATE.
I will tell you some personal things about myself and I hope by sharing my experience I can enhance yours. I am 28 and have been in a VERY SERIOUS relationship for 6+ years. We lived together, got dogs together, and were practically married (minus the actual ceremony). This relationship just ended horribly two weeks ago, and it is NOTHING like what you have in your script. Our break-up resulted in a very long, honest conversation that did involve tears and many questions like "WHY?" "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE..." etc. It did not, has not, and will not result in THROWING shit, BREAKING shit, and being heavily over dramatic. I think if you spend a small amount of time talking to people who have been through a divorce or have even been burned in a relationship you might find better ways to demonstrate your character's emotion.
Again, please do not take this the wrong way. I also want to add that your script is not my style either, so that may add a significant bias. I hope this feedback is something you can really consider even though it may not be what you want to hear. Take some time to separate from it, and come back to it a bit later. IT HELPS! TRUST ME!