I hope you like my new script and I apologize if something doesn't make sense in my journal...I have a hard time describing what I see in my head sometimes. I ran out of time for the individual scenes so there aren't any pictures in there but I'm still working on it and I hope there's enough there to get you an idea of what I'm going for. Thanks again for taking the time to give me feedback, it's much appreciated!
Good work on the new script. I do like this version better. It seems to be more clear on what you wanted originally, and the tweaks helped you get there. Rose may be crazy, but I think the audience will really feel sorry for her. In the previous version she was just crazy and you didn't give much insight to WHY or HOW she became. Now, those pieces are complete, and it makes your story stronger for it.
For me, I still have a few issues with the dialogue. (look at me. Its like the coal calling the kettle black) The first scene with Rose, Steph, and Casey feels forced to me. In fact, its borderline silly. Although it has been over ten years since I was a teenage girl, so I suppose it may be my perspective that prevents me from appreciating this scene.
Other than tweaking some of your lines (or having the actors take that role) I think you have a solid draft to begin producing into a movie!
Thanks Jason! I knew the dialogue still needed work but for whatever reason I didn't really know where to begin or where I should start first but now I do! ;) Also I've been talking with one of the girls that I'm almost positive I'll cast for Rose and I'm telling her that the dialogue I write are guidelines and that if it doesn't feel right for the character to go ahead and reword/rephrase it...but either way I still want to work on it to make it sound better/feel more natural. Thanks again!
It's definitely more fleshed out. We pick up more on the fact that she's obviously suffering of some kind of sickness...up until the end. I was confused here. So now she's not imagining him? He's actually in a relationship with her? Or is she imagining her mother acknowledging his presence? PLease clarify this to me. If you're opting for him to be a real thing in her life, then I think you should not do that and stick with the previous thought. It's just more interesting that way and if you end it this way, the way i'm thinking for I could be wrong, the audience might lose the overall point and be even more confused.
I really appreciate your work into this. you have done more than most of us and I believe you're going the right way with everything. Unfortunately, I think you still need to work on it just a bit more. Have you had anybody read it out loud for you or with you? I think maybe this could work. Maybe you'll pick up things or someone can bring in something that might just make a character more meaty. If you need any help with that let me know and maybe we can do it over a weekend or something.
Other advice:
-how about ending Owen's sentence on page 4, the very last line with: "Then you will realize how important you are to me." Idk, I just felt like it needed a little more something, that line.
-Cut down the laughter in the scene where they are drinking lemonade. Are Casey and Steph (mainly Casey) being sarcastic in the lemonade scene? Can't really tell. I don't see why they would be. This whole conversation needs work.
-"30 mins have passed and Rose hasn't said a word." -I don't see Alex waiting 30mins for Rose to talk.
Try making Rose ask Alex as to why her parents avoid her (Rose). Why they don't talk to her when they have the chance. I guess what i'm trying to say is corner Alex more. maybe you'll get something there.
-I like that she struggles to come up with excuses as to why Owen can't meet her friends- but this leads me to believe or get a feeling that she knows about her sickness. Does she know anything about it??
-Like me, watch out for grammar.
-Cut down on the physical directions to your actors, like, glaring, sighing- too much of this might overwhelm them.
Journal: Wow! Talk about being in depth! Well, it seems like you have a pretty clear idea as to what you want. Most of the pics and descriptions resonated with what I was seeing myself. I like the off-balance things because SHE is off balance. Perfect compliment to he character. There's something quite wrong with her and this will further enhance that. As for the saturation and contrast, I would say...maybe play a little more with whites. Not too much saturation. Over exposure and all of these things, to me, will further say that there's something missing, something missing in her head, in her whole being. Try reducing color and contrast. Something is missing, and subtracting color from this may be able to improve that notion. Idk, just a thought.
Overall, very good work with the journal. I think you're way ahead just need to work a bit more on the script. Any more help just let me know. See you Thursday!
Overall, I think that you've really improved your story. Your characters are a better defined, and the added material of just how messed up Rose's homelife is creates a bit more appeal and helps us get more inside her head. There are a few things in the dialogue that can be tweaked here and there, but I still think the script is stronger overall.
One complaint I do have is I really liked your original ending more. I liked the idea of her sitting by herself watching the object of her obsession and sinking even deeper into her madness. It was sweet in a totally disturbing way, and made me feel sorry for her. This kinda gets rid of that. Especially because you find out her mother is enabling her insanity rather than trying to help her. If there was a scene with the mother dealing with a therapist talking about her daughter's psychosis, it would make me understand a little bit more her motivations for doing so. Simultatneously, I think that scenes like that take you out of Rose's story. You also lost some of the creepy offputting dialogue in the opening scene that reminded me of Stepford Wives, which was another thing that I really liked.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that your current ending is bad, it's just that it didn't hit me the same way that your original ending did. Different strokes and all that. I still think you really have a solid script here for your film and I think it's going to be really awesome.
Fantastic job on your journal. I can tell you are really thinking! There's not much for me to say, as we have talked in person, but I really admire how since the last delivery cycle you have taken ownership of your story and decided what YOU want out of it. It is clear in the new script, as well as the thorough notes in the journal, that you are much more on your way to knowing your story inside and out. Most importantly, it is clear that you really care about your project. The stakes have been raised. Thumbs up for that. I can agree with Ricky about the ending, but I think your current ending fits your character more, now that you have defined her more. The original ending, though, did have a vibe that was disturbing in a different way. I think the best way to figure out the perfect ending is to decide what you want your story to say ULTIMATELY. Choose the ending that reflects that. You only have 20 or so minutes in your film to SAY SOMETHING. Decide what that is, and let your ending reflect that. I'm sure we'll talk more in person about this, but overall I am impressed with the progress you have made.
I would agree with the others, the script and the revisions are better. You can understand what Rose is going through and how she faces her life being ‘crazy”. The dialogue has improved, but it still needs some work, I would look at shows and movies that have scene where more than 3 people are talking with one another and see how their dialogue flows. See who talks after whom, and really understand what each of their goals for that conversation are. That will help you with your scenes with more than 3 main characters.
I think that when the girls question Rose near the ending, their needs to be a little break down for Rose, maybe they ask her a question is doesn’t really know, or they ask her something that strikes a nerve, this will help the audience really understand that Rose is living a lie and she has a problem.
I like this ending more, I think it is a little long, so I would try and see if anything can be cut from it. Journal look great!
I think that you have really taken your script in the correct direction. It makes the tension a little stronger and it also forces the audience to really try and figure out who is really telling the truth. I think that you really made some good scripting choices by allowing the secondary characters to come into play more as well.
I definitely think that you have made something that will really retain the interests of the viewer more so with the ending and the dialogue between the three friends. Those seemed to play out very well in your screenplay. The only issue that I currently have is still with the therapist. I think that they talk a little too much between the two of them and to me, while it proves a look at the mental state that she is in, it seemed very long winded. That is really just a personal preference, but it took me out of what I was reading when I found myself wandering mentally when that scene popped up.
As far as your journal goes, I am glad to see that you are taking it very seriously. It is definitely something that will benefit you in the long run. You have started to really take a look at deconstructing your film and how you want to really approach what is going on. I think that if you want to continue to delve even deeper into the journal then you will really be helped out when the actual production comes along.
This was definitely a lot easier to follow and can see all the work you put into the script, production, etc. Everything looks fantastic. I think it would be cool if you had several different endings and that you gave yourself options in post for what you wanted to do. I really think you have created a strong story and you have created a very interesting character. I like the fact that you play with perspectives a bit and I think it enhances the story. The friends definitely helped and I'm interested to see who you cast. I think that you have set yourself for success with your journal and it's clear you know what you want and that you are communicating that. Keep up the work and keep making these large advancements and you'll be shooting in no time.
I think that your new script is much better. Not saying the other was terrible, but this was just a lot more "clean" and easier to read, grasp and visualize (which for me is pivotal). The new script is not as bland, but could still use a little pop. I think you are on the right track, and I agree with Taurean in thinking that the ending is much better.
As far as your journal goes, best one I have seen thus far. It's great to see the dedication and get a sense for your entire movie. My only suggestion is to get really strong with Color Correction, or get someone that is really strong.
Thanks everyone for the great feedback I really appreciate it! It sounds like some of you didn't get what I was going for in the ending with Rose, her mother and Owen so I'll explain or make it clearer now... Rose's projection of Owen is directly influenced by her parents fighting so in the end her mother comes out after the fight and sees Rose alone as she really is. When she looks away she's taking the time to "create" her mother in a way that will fit into her world with Owen which is where she's happiest. So when she turns back and her mother is suddenly aware of Owen it's really just Rose's projecting an image of her mother that accepts her fantasy.
And Jesus there are times when Rose sort of comes to terms with the fact that there is something wrong with her but she doesn't want to every completely admit it to herself and that's when she fully throws herself into her fantasy so she doesn't have to face the fact that she's "missing a few pieces of the puzzle." I hope that made sense...to me its a round about way of thinking and it makes sense in my head but its hard to explain! If it still doesn't make sense I can try to explain it more/better in class :) Thanks again everyone!
Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking about her mom. I just wanted to make sure for I thought it perhaps was something else. But great! I like that. It makes sense and it actually turns up being very sad for her case. I think this will arouse sympathy for this character, sympathy that I think is much needed.
Hey everyone!
ReplyDeleteI hope you like my new script and I apologize if something doesn't make sense in my journal...I have a hard time describing what I see in my head sometimes. I ran out of time for the individual scenes so there aren't any pictures in there but I'm still working on it and I hope there's enough there to get you an idea of what I'm going for. Thanks again for taking the time to give me feedback, it's much appreciated!
Jennifer
JJ Ordan,
DeleteGood work on the new script. I do like this version better. It seems to be more clear on what you wanted originally, and the tweaks helped you get there. Rose may be crazy, but I think the audience will really feel sorry for her. In the previous version she was just crazy and you didn't give much insight to WHY or HOW she became. Now, those pieces are complete, and it makes your story stronger for it.
For me, I still have a few issues with the dialogue. (look at me. Its like the coal calling the kettle black) The first scene with Rose, Steph, and Casey feels forced to me. In fact, its borderline silly. Although it has been over ten years since I was a teenage girl, so I suppose it may be my perspective that prevents me from appreciating this scene.
Other than tweaking some of your lines (or having the actors take that role) I think you have a solid draft to begin producing into a movie!
Thanks Jason!
DeleteI knew the dialogue still needed work but for whatever reason I didn't really know where to begin or where I should start first but now I do! ;) Also I've been talking with one of the girls that I'm almost positive I'll cast for Rose and I'm telling her that the dialogue I write are guidelines and that if it doesn't feel right for the character to go ahead and reword/rephrase it...but either way I still want to work on it to make it sound better/feel more natural. Thanks again!
It's definitely more fleshed out. We pick up more on the fact that she's obviously suffering of some kind of sickness...up until the end. I was confused here. So now she's not imagining him? He's actually in a relationship with her? Or is she imagining her mother acknowledging his presence? PLease clarify this to me. If you're opting for him to be a real thing in her life, then I think you should not do that and stick with the previous thought. It's just more interesting that way and if you end it this way, the way i'm thinking for I could be wrong, the audience might lose the overall point and be even more confused.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your work into this. you have done more than most of us and I believe you're going the right way with everything. Unfortunately, I think you still need to work on it just a bit more. Have you had anybody read it out loud for you or with you? I think maybe this could work. Maybe you'll pick up things or someone can bring in something that might just make a character more meaty. If you need any help with that let me know and maybe we can do it over a weekend or something.
Other advice:
-how about ending Owen's sentence on page 4, the very last line with: "Then you will realize how important you are to me." Idk, I just felt like it needed a little more something, that line.
-Cut down the laughter in the scene where they are drinking lemonade.
Are Casey and Steph (mainly Casey) being sarcastic in the lemonade scene? Can't really tell. I don't see why they would be. This whole conversation needs work.
-"30 mins have passed and Rose hasn't said a word." -I don't see Alex waiting 30mins for Rose to talk.
Try making Rose ask Alex as to why her parents avoid her (Rose). Why they don't talk to her when they have the chance. I guess what i'm trying to say is corner Alex more. maybe you'll get something there.
-I like that she struggles to come up with excuses as to why Owen can't meet her friends- but this leads me to believe or get a feeling that she knows about her sickness. Does she know anything about it??
-Like me, watch out for grammar.
-Cut down on the physical directions to your actors, like, glaring, sighing- too much of this might overwhelm them.
Journal: Wow! Talk about being in depth! Well, it seems like you have a pretty clear idea as to what you want. Most of the pics and descriptions resonated with what I was seeing myself. I like the off-balance things because SHE is off balance. Perfect compliment to he character. There's something quite wrong with her and this will further enhance that. As for the saturation and contrast, I would say...maybe play a little more with whites. Not too much saturation. Over exposure and all of these things, to me, will further say that there's something missing, something missing in her head, in her whole being. Try reducing color and contrast. Something is missing, and subtracting color from this may be able to improve that notion. Idk, just a thought.
Overall, very good work with the journal. I think you're way ahead just need to work a bit more on the script. Any more help just let me know. See you Thursday!
Jennifer
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think that you've really improved your story. Your characters are a better defined, and the added material of just how messed up Rose's homelife is creates a bit more appeal and helps us get more inside her head. There are a few things in the dialogue that can be tweaked here and there, but I still think the script is stronger overall.
One complaint I do have is I really liked your original ending more. I liked the idea of her sitting by herself watching the object of her obsession and sinking even deeper into her madness. It was sweet in a totally disturbing way, and made me feel sorry for her. This kinda gets rid of that. Especially because you find out her mother is enabling her insanity rather than trying to help her. If there was a scene with the mother dealing with a therapist talking about her daughter's psychosis, it would make me understand a little bit more her motivations for doing so. Simultatneously, I think that scenes like that take you out of Rose's story. You also lost some of the creepy offputting dialogue in the opening scene that reminded me of Stepford Wives, which was another thing that I really liked.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that your current ending is bad, it's just that it didn't hit me the same way that your original ending did. Different strokes and all that. I still think you really have a solid script here for your film and I think it's going to be really awesome.
Fantastic job on your journal. I can tell you are really thinking! There's not much for me to say, as we have talked in person, but I really admire how since the last delivery cycle you have taken ownership of your story and decided what YOU want out of it. It is clear in the new script, as well as the thorough notes in the journal, that you are much more on your way to knowing your story inside and out. Most importantly, it is clear that you really care about your project. The stakes have been raised. Thumbs up for that. I can agree with Ricky about the ending, but I think your current ending fits your character more, now that you have defined her more. The original ending, though, did have a vibe that was disturbing in a different way. I think the best way to figure out the perfect ending is to decide what you want your story to say ULTIMATELY. Choose the ending that reflects that. You only have 20 or so minutes in your film to SAY SOMETHING. Decide what that is, and let your ending reflect that. I'm sure we'll talk more in person about this, but overall I am impressed with the progress you have made.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with the others, the script and the revisions are better. You can understand what Rose is going through and how she faces her life being ‘crazy”. The dialogue has improved, but it still needs some work, I would look at shows and movies that have scene where more than 3 people are talking with one another and see how their dialogue flows. See who talks after whom, and really understand what each of their goals for that conversation are. That will help you with your scenes with more than 3 main characters.
ReplyDeleteI think that when the girls question Rose near the ending, their needs to be a little break down for Rose, maybe they ask her a question is doesn’t really know, or they ask her something that strikes a nerve, this will help the audience really understand that Rose is living a lie and she has a problem.
I like this ending more, I think it is a little long, so I would try and see if anything can be cut from it. Journal look great!
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have really taken your script in the correct direction. It makes the tension a little stronger and it also forces the audience to really try and figure out who is really telling the truth. I think that you really made some good scripting choices by allowing the secondary characters to come into play more as well.
I definitely think that you have made something that will really retain the interests of the viewer more so with the ending and the dialogue between the three friends. Those seemed to play out very well in your screenplay. The only issue that I currently have is still with the therapist. I think that they talk a little too much between the two of them and to me, while it proves a look at the mental state that she is in, it seemed very long winded. That is really just a personal preference, but it took me out of what I was reading when I found myself wandering mentally when that scene popped up.
As far as your journal goes, I am glad to see that you are taking it very seriously. It is definitely something that will benefit you in the long run. You have started to really take a look at deconstructing your film and how you want to really approach what is going on. I think that if you want to continue to delve even deeper into the journal then you will really be helped out when the actual production comes along.
This was definitely a lot easier to follow and can see all the work you put into the script, production, etc. Everything looks fantastic. I think it would be cool if you had several different endings and that you gave yourself options in post for what you wanted to do. I really think you have created a strong story and you have created a very interesting character. I like the fact that you play with perspectives a bit and I think it enhances the story. The friends definitely helped and I'm interested to see who you cast. I think that you have set yourself for success with your journal and it's clear you know what you want and that you are communicating that. Keep up the work and keep making these large advancements and you'll be shooting in no time.
ReplyDeleteI think that your new script is much better. Not saying the other was terrible, but this was just a lot more "clean" and easier to read, grasp and visualize (which for me is pivotal). The new script is not as bland, but could still use a little pop. I think you are on the right track, and I agree with Taurean in thinking that the ending is much better.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your journal goes, best one I have seen thus far. It's great to see the dedication and get a sense for your entire movie. My only suggestion is to get really strong with Color Correction, or get someone that is really strong.
Roger
Thanks everyone for the great feedback I really appreciate it! It sounds like some of you didn't get what I was going for in the ending with Rose, her mother and Owen so I'll explain or make it clearer now... Rose's projection of Owen is directly influenced by her parents fighting so in the end her mother comes out after the fight and sees Rose alone as she really is. When she looks away she's taking the time to "create" her mother in a way that will fit into her world with Owen which is where she's happiest. So when she turns back and her mother is suddenly aware of Owen it's really just Rose's projecting an image of her mother that accepts her fantasy.
ReplyDeleteAnd Jesus there are times when Rose sort of comes to terms with the fact that there is something wrong with her but she doesn't want to every completely admit it to herself and that's when she fully throws herself into her fantasy so she doesn't have to face the fact that she's "missing a few pieces of the puzzle." I hope that made sense...to me its a round about way of thinking and it makes sense in my head but its hard to explain! If it still doesn't make sense I can try to explain it more/better in class :) Thanks again everyone!
Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking about her mom. I just wanted to make sure for I thought it perhaps was something else. But great! I like that. It makes sense and it actually turns up being very sad for her case. I think this will arouse sympathy for this character, sympathy that I think is much needed.
Delete