Initial impression is: good, but I think it needs to have slightly higher stakes. Meaning, I feel like it is just an extended version of a directing film.
Here are some of the notes I took while reading.
Flashbacks – How will they look? Color corrected, B&W, same? I believe they need some sort of filter. In “In sickness and in Health” you cut back and forth, but I don’t think it helped your story. I was taken out of it, because I was wondering where in time and space we are instead of focusing on the dialogue and emotion. I want it to be obvious that your character is experiencing this flashback with us, especially since you have so many in this script.
Like your montage format
Where is Jack’s house set? Flagstaff? I imagine a wooded beautiful area, but am unsure without any description.
Not beer – a glass of hard liquor (Jack Daniel’s or something dark). Hard Liquor is a visual cue that there is something wrong in your character's world, beer is just significant that he is a wife beater (in film anyways).
Okay so I REALLY like this. I mentioned to you earlier that it feels slow and that I wanted answers and you weren't giving them to me, but after having re-read the script everything falls into place. It still feels a little slow, but after reading your journal I can see that that's what you're going for and I really wouldn't change much in that sense.
I have to agree with Jason on two points, the liquor and the flashbacks. I think a harder liquor would show that Jack's damaged beyond repair, but if he's still in the beginning stages of alcoholism beer might be the way to go (something you'll have to research but you already said you need to research it so…). For the flashbacks… In "In Sickness and In Health" the flashbacks never pulled me out of the story then again I helped you make the film I knew what was supposed to be happening when and I was aware of all aspects of the story. I know in "ISIH" you went for different color temps and handheld vs sticks, but you may need something less subtle in "Little Ditty" BECAUSE of the number of flashbacks you have. If you didn't want to be overly obvious in the editing room with filters and effects then I would suggest a change of season or a greater gap in time. However if you choose to implement either of these ideas I would rather you go for the change in seasons because if too much time goes by I feel like the story would change.
I hope this helps and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished project! If you don't already heave an editor in mind I'd love to help out in some way ;)
I like the opening title card of your film. I think that the description of the book and the situation that takes place in the book, helps set up your film in a solid way. It doesn't reveal too much and it helps the audience have that "ah-ha" moment later on when they tie the two together.
I think it is a very simple story which isn't a bad thing. I think that the approach is interesting and at the heart of it all, we all feel something towards relationships and the fact that you can fall out of love in them so quickly especially when there are driving forces on the outside that helps derail them. I think that your story can tell that.
I think that the montages and the images that are laid out, in particular the end sequence with the huge mural of photos and some of the flash back shots set themselves up for some truly intriguing moments. I think those can portray really well on screen and there can be a good juxtaposition between those and the terrible situation they wind up in.
I am not sure where I stand. I kind of agree with Jason that I think that the stakes could be a little higher. I think that here could be something more driving the character, but at the same time after reading your journal I know what you are going for and I think that just to show how relationships have ebbs and flows was accomplished. I think that maybe that is lost in the shuffle between flashbacks and reality so often but you could always look at playing with the time and space and having some sort of counterbalancing dialogue at some point in time maybe.
I do however, have some issues with the story.
I think that the pacing is a little too methodical in my opinion. I think that the story starts to pick up for me, when we get to meeting Jack for the first time and that is 8 pages into it. I think that we really start to get a sense of the characters and the extent of who they are in their worlds in relation to each other. I know that sounds incredibly general and I do apologize for that. I know that you have a few small kernels of information that pop up during the opening of the film with the canister and the phone call and the flashback but for whatever reason, the story didn't really resonate with me until they actually met for the first time.
I think with all of the things that you have lined up in the film, I know that you have the flashbacks to showcase the different times of happiness and sadness, but I would also caution against the over use of the flashback. I know for me during the reading of it, I understood the differences of time periods. However, to stick to a device in the script that continues to play back and forth in both reality and the past can get a little tedious after a while. I wouldn't mind seeing just a moment in time once in a while without the voice over of something different. I think that some of the moments in the past are so peaceful and serine that you could almost let them stand alone or even allow the dialogue of a current conversation/diegetic sound fade out to show them heading back to a better time. I know that is more a editing room decision but that would be my worry because during reading it, the flashbacks or montage sequences at times made me care less about what happened to them.
I know in your journal, you referenced that the character was going to ultimately decide that they where going to stand on their own two and be happier by themselves. While I am not saying that a complete storybook ending would be appropriate because we all know that doesn't happen right away, the cyclical nature of the story that takes us back to the beginning made me feel like the character never evolved and truly became happy from the experience. While the film is developed and she has moved on from the experience. It almost makes it seem like she never will become the "real journalist" that she wanted to and she is stuck in the same cycle.
I am sure I am reading maybe too far into it, but that is what I took away from reading it.
As for location, I'm filming this at home- Indiana. I already have all of the locations secured and now realize that I was sparse on description since I already have all of that secured and don't have to look for them. My bad!
Jennifer & Jason:
The flashbacks: I struggle with this idea because I do not like anything I do to be too obvious. However, I planned on including this in the cinematography section, but I am thinking I will treat the flashbacks in a similar fashion as "Blue Valentine." In that film, the present day's images are very crisp and smooth (they shot on the RED). The flashbacks in "Blue Valentine" have a lot of grain added to them, and the shots are shakier and much more of them are handheld. I plan on using a similar style to that. I like that because it adds the older quality without being too obvious by just slapping a sepia filter on them. Basically, I want the flashbacks to feel like memories- jumpy and a bit scattered (visually I am very inspired by the "We Found Love" music video by Rihanna... I think that really captures the idea of snapshot memories).
In terms of the alcohol, that's an interesting point that I didn't consider. From personal experience with alcoholism, I've seen people typically turn to beer. That way they can drink it all day and maintain a buzz. These are functioning alcoholics, and that's what I see Jack as. But if you guys think hard liquor is a more "cinematic choice" to communicate his problem, I'm definitely thinking more about that. Thanks!
Taurean:
I really appreciate the comment about pacing. I always have trouble finding the appropriate place between the slow pace I enjoy and a pace that most audiences are comfortable with. I introduced Jack in a flashback on page 3... shortly after that we hear him on the phone... and then on page 7 they see each other in present day. I wanted to build up to that moment. It may just be an issue of cutting it tighter after I have the footage to get to that moment quicker, but I like the idea of building up to that and showing Diane's life outside of Jack before they reunite... because to me the story is more about her than about him. Do you (or anyone) have any thoughts on that or how to communicate that more efficiently?
I really like your suggestion about fading out the voice overs during the flashback. Thank you! I want it to be very jumbled between present day and the past to show Diane's nostalgic nature and inability to let go (at least at first), so if anyone has more advice on how to portray that without overusing the back and forth, I'd really appreciate it!
As for your last comment, I do want it to remain unclear if her life will be better after she makes her choice. I didn't want her to stay with him; it didn't seem like something she would do. But I also didn't want her to go back to the city and every other aspect of her life fall into place - that's not how life works. I thought it was enough that she decided to return to her film photography to bring some sort of personal fulfillment rather than just working the mediocre job. Any ideas on a better ending, while still keeping it "realistic"?
I see a lot of potential for the montage scenes. There are a lot of cinematic directions you can go with that, also from an editing standpoint you can make the pictures flow well with one another and pop toward the audience as well.
Scene where we first meet Jack can be funny, but very sentimental also. I like the idea of her freezing between dialogues.
It was a little draw out, but once I got to some dialogue between Jack and Chelsea stuff got more interesting and clearer.
I think this can be a great artsy film, if that is the way you are going with it, if not I see a lot of potential here. Some of the flashbacks confused me, going back and forth between present day and not present day. Make sure the audience can tell the difference, maybe show something is flashbacks that can distinguish flashbacks.
Very well written. Again you have matched separate timelines to establish the emotion of this piece in an effective way. I really like the tie in with Kurt Vonnegut's book, glad to see people are still reading. The visuals in your script make it very easy to picture it in your mind. Also, you establish the setting along with your characters extremely well. Overall I found it very relatable, sincere and charming. I think what you have could be improved upon. Your character's conflict in this script, seems to be that she is stuck between two choices. I think that's something you could definitely play up a little more. Having had to make the choice that Diane has to make, I can tell you it's more than difficult. So i completely identify with her as a character.
As I am now reading the feedback everyone else has provided for you, I will try to give notes on elements that have not been previously discussed. HOWEVER, I may warn you, some of these notes are just my personal thoughts.
The first scene, though it does establish your character, almost isn't needed. In fact, the first two scenes do that for you, but I think you could combine the both of them or just omit the first one all together. The second scene where she wakes up in the morning establishes her more effectively because you add the element of her photography background; whereas the other she is just washing the dishes. Seeing how you obviously very good at combining different scenes with L cuts, you could try doing it in the same scene where the voicemail and the weatherman exposition is being exchanged at the same time. That way you still have the early element of Jack' significance VS her life in the city.
Brief thing, not sure if you really needed to write the Teen Drama into the script. Unless it holds some weight in the rest of the film, but I didn't really pick that up so if that WAS something you were going for unfortunately it did not work for me.
There needs to be a way to trim down Kelley's Voicemail. I understand it establishes Diane's reason for being where she is, but it feels more like someone giving exposition than a phone conversation. I know it sounds picky, and coming from someone who's film is a part mock-documentary where information is quite literally thrown at you; i think it could benefit some going back and redoing that bit of dialogue.
I made the assumption that Jack is dealing with his mother's Alzheimer's, I'm not sure if that is correct. Having gone through that with my grandmother, I can tell you it's affect on the family can be devastating. Depending on how much you want to go down that road with this character I think that is something you could explore. I mainly bring this up, because of the line Diane says "You're Different." doesn't have much weight to us as an audience. We see so little of the Jack that Diane fell in love with, that it becomes difficult to connect to her character's decisions by the end. I know there are differences on the surface of Jack, but we should see Jack in a state that makes us as an audience love him. I think the drinking and being messy is a start, but let's see something in his attitude and personality.
I really like the idea of your final shot. My last thought is this, it either needs to be ALL of Jack or the messing piece that makes it her masterpiece is the ONE photo of Jack. Basically you can have all Jack or only one Jack.
I look forward to the next draft and hearing your ideas in person.
Nicely done. I like the use of a meteor shower to start off the story and bring the two characters together again. Watching a meteor shower is really intimate, since you need to be far off from most of society (light pollution and all that).
I like the use of the book Cat's Cradle, and I really like the fact that Jack is later shown playing Cat's Cradle rather than listening to Diane (in a fashion similar to the main character of the novel playing when the atom bomb is dropped).
However, I agree with Jason that the stakes should probably be higher. Right now there's a general return to normalcy that comes from their final meeting and parting. That being said, I don't really know the best way to remedy the problem. I think that maybe if you introduce her masterpiece earlier it might help. Having Diane trying to work on a big project and not being content with it before reuniting with Jack and being inspired after they part again could be the solution. I agree with Trent that it does need to be either one photo of Jack or entirely of Jack. Another option is to do one of those photo montage things (where all the pictures create a macro picture) where the macro picture is of Jack, though that might be harder to pull off.
Overall though this is really strong and I like where it's going.
I feel like you have established a nice jumping off point for yourself. I think that, much like Trent said, your ability to flow between multiple time periods is impressive. That being said, I feel that the flashbacks hurt your story more than they help. I can see that these people have had a strong bond, and while the whole thing that seems to reignite these feelings are the Hotfox cd and the showers, I think that the flashbacks are a bit heavy handed, much like the montage. I want to care more about the characters now, not in the past. I feel like you need to convey more information about your characters than you currently have. Also, I think that the mother dying aspect of this is a tad bit cliche. That portion of your script serves more as a vessel to take the audience deeper into what is going on with Jack and Diane, and can literally be anything because it is such a minor part in the story.
Also, while there has been mention of the stakes being raised, but I want to see more conflict in the story. Why is Diane so torn? Why did her and Jack separate initially? Why did she go back to him? The conflict needs to be there or this plays out extremely slow, heavy handed, and long. I'm not saying I need a Jack jumping out of a 50 story high window into a pool, but I am saying that you need to move your story along in a different way.
Maybe I'm just not seeing it, but the whole Kurt Vonnegut reference point is not connecting with me. I have not read the book, so that could be why it is I am not getting it, but it made me expect one thing and then slams me into something totally different. Again, just my opinion.
Overall, it's a strong story, and a good jumping off point, but I think you need to shorten your length, cut some of the flashbacks, if not all of them (this includes all of the past voiceovers), raise the stakes, create more drama, and make your audience give a shit about these characters.
A simple story of perplexing chracter behavior/emotions. These tend to be my favorite films. I believe it will serve as a further exercise for your directing skills, except here the stakes are higher, obviously. I say simple cause i'm comparing it to Jason's (haha, sorry Jason). Yet it is not so. For me these also tend to be the hardest (especially for film students) because the focus is ALL on the ACTING and if you don't nail that than it's hard to get in the story at all. I think it's a well thought out romantic tragedy, BUT i felt like the stakes weren't high enough for these two to end up the way they did. I'm sorry, that's just how I felt. However, I know that happens all the time. And it is a very hard decision- having to choose between your job and the person you love. Personally, I want to say that when two people do that to each other it's kinda foolish. If I love the person, truly love the person, i'm gonna leave my desires aside and work with my partner to save our relationship. That's me, however. People are different. Anyway, hope that made sense. But what i was trying to say is that I found it hard to feel for these characters for the decisions they both made were really childish. Now, if that was your intention, then I think it worked. Also, were there other reason for them not to stay with each other, like his mom's problem, for if there was I don't know if they were really clear. The transition from them having a good time in the present to her being dissapointed by watching him drink was too sudden and...not well introduced. Don't kill me :/ I also didn't understand why he spaced out or was not in the moment when they were out having nice moments with each other. I was confused as to his changes of moods. And did the relationship end because he had to leave for his sick mother or because she had to take a job in the city? That's another thing. I'm sorry. Other things were the ending. I don't know why she would put up pictures of him on her wall. Agh, I hate myself, for I may not understand what's clearly obvious. Still, I think this could again serve you as a GREAT opportunity to show what you can do as a director. Just give these two characters more reasons to feel for them, if that's what you want to do. I'm only saying this because people in general like to feel or identify themselves with the characters. I don't think that's always necessary. Another thing, in terms of screenplay formatting, just make sure that when you transition yourself to a new location, any new location whether it's the kicthen or the living room, make sure you write a new scene heading. Other than that, I think you're off to a great challenge that I know you will pull off :D cause you're awesome!!!!
I like the intro text; I think it subtly and eloquently sets up what is to be expected in the narrative. Most of the flashbacks worked for me and did a job providing the needed exposition at times. I don’t quite understand the significance of the book The Cat’s Cradle for Jack. I found it a tad unusual the weatherman repeatedly urged viewers to go watch the meteor shower over and over without any other weather news to mention. I think for believability his lines should be adjusted although I know you do want to highlight the importance of that moment in their relationship. Along the lines of what Jesus said, Jack’s apathy in what seem like enjoyable moments is quite the mood shift from his otherwise kind and caring behavior. I’m sure it has to do with his alcoholism and depression from his mother’s illness. I think the progression and cause of Jack’s alcoholism needs to be a little better understood for the audience to make a strong connection and understand what he must be going through.
I think you use the montage structure in a great way to condense time and in opportune moments to boot. I think hard liquor would be a better signifier of his alcoholic tendencies and almost better fit his character, since he is reluctant to share this new habit of his with Diane. I think more people would identify with sneaking in sips of liquor then trying to secretly pound beers. It’s all a question of character though; beer could definitely work, and work well with good acting. I think Diane’s character does have a sense of closer. She has moved on from an unhealthy relationship that couldn’t quite coexist with her career aspirations. It isn’t a dramatic revelation of character; I think it’s a much more subtle and realistic one. I think by strengthening the positive perception of their past relationship, you can increase audience empathy in your characters, without having to overly dramatize the naturalistic conclusion. I can’t wait to see it. Will you be filming a meteor shower?
This is a really solid script. Simple, yet complex. I'd like to commend you on your ability to successfully maneuver between different time periods.
Your descriptions are vivid and well thought out. Kudos. I definitely feel that a meteor shower bringing the two characters together is something unique and it's very intriguing!
I agree with Taurean with regards to the montages being well laid out and that "there can be a good juxtaposition between those and the terrible situation they wind up in." Thanks, Taurean, for your eloquent words that I've borrowed, but I couldn't have said it better myself.
One thing I was sort of confused by was Jack's emotional tone changes. I take it that he was dealing with his mother's Alzheimer's but I'm not entirely certain. Maybe iron that out and smooth over a few things, but I feel like you're off to a great start and I can't wait to see where you go from here!
Well done! This is a very simple, and beautiful story, and as a few others have said already, a very relatable story. I think that you do a great job of jumping from one timeline to another fairly seamlessly, and that is very difficult to do. I do think that things get a little dry at points, more specifically at the beginning of the story when she is watching tv and doing dishes... I felt that was kind of unnecessary and didnt hook me at all. However, I did become more interested maybe a few pages after, so maybe you could think of just rethinking your intro.
Right now I'm having a hard time connecting to the script. It may be because I feel like I've heard stories like these so many times that I just can't get into it. I want to read it on another day to get a different perspective of it, but right now I'm just feeling like a "good for her", now lets move on. I don't see the pain and struggle she has, it just sounds like a sob story and then she makes the choice to move on with her career and despite how much she liked the younger Jack, she can't love the person who he has become. It does remind me a lot of Blue Valentine like you said, and I feel like that may hurt you considering how recent and well that movie did. I'm interested to see your style on it and I think that you are very talented and will be able to accomplish it. I do think you need to raise the stakes, and I think that you need to show more of her love for photography and really focus on her interaction with the camera's and her photos and clearly show why it makes her feel soo accomplished. Really I would to just like to talk it out more, I'm going to read the script again and probably give more feedback, but I'm having a hard time connecting and it may just be this movie isn't my taste, but I just really feel like you are doing something that's been done and i'm afraid that it may hurt the film. Keep it up though and I'm interested to talk with you more.
Sometimes the simplest stories are the most difficult to tell, but I believe you did a great job with that. As said previously, this is something we all encounter, and pulling a story that is interesting enough is not an easy thing to do. So, job well done thus far. Many of the things that I'm about to point out have clearly already been noted, so I'll be concise. I would like to see your beginning be trimmed down in order to meet Jack faster. I understand that you are building Diane's character background, but just like the end of my script, your beginning wasn't intriguing enough. I would build on the idea of cutting down your flashbacks and montages in order to create a more mysterious and rewarding climax when Diane decides to leave this guy that she was so clearly in love with. Now that I have mentioned she was so clearly in love with Jack, and it's obvious that he hangs around in her mind, I'm not sure that I understand why she left the poor guy. It seems to me that he did not choose to leave her in the beginning, and the idea of her leaving him in the end, knowing that he is struggling with his ill mother seems to be a little brutal. Look into raising the stakes on their previous relationship on why he left her to begin with, making this exit in the end more of an accomplishment for her. And after reading, I'm not sure that leaving Jack was the right thing. It seems to me that she was happier with him, and I know he "is not the same," but it does not seem like enough of a reason to not give him a chance. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with the next draft. Also... I like the idea of you shooting in Indiana. Throw some Notre Dame imagery in there for me. Really nice work.
I like about your script how you link an environmental happening with the relationship of your two main characters. I think the fact that you link this two “happenings” through the TV, works for me very well because it gives a sense of what technologies means for us in the contemporary world. I like that connection!
I also like that you present Diane character, then Jack’s-- showing their relationship --and you ended up with Diane again. The movie is no more than her perspective. In every relationship always there are three versions: one of the partners’ version, the other person’s version and then the truth. I like that you concentrate in her perception (Diana’s truth). If this is your intention, you did it greatly!
Said that, I want you to know what I feel about each character:
I see Diana as a woman who wants to be independent but who has a dependency toward him ( you can call it love if you want) being this her internal conflict.
However, she goes o see jack and see if their relationship can work out (external conflict), but when she gets there, she doesn’t really like what she sees enough to stay, so she decides to leave. That decision makes her to fail with her external goal but somehow, with distance and her success as photographer, she will solve her internal one.
About Jack, I do not know a lot about him. He is going to lose her mother and has problem in her relationship with Diane, so I suppose that he is not in the best phase of his life. He wants to improve the relationship too, that is why he called Diane.
Both wants to solve their problems but both want it at their own way. None of them want to risk nothing of their personal lives. So, it makes me get to the conclusion that both are selfish, their love for their own is bigger than their love for their relationship.
There is something in your story that makes me to have contradictories feelings. Why Jacks want Diane to change him? Why a person should be interested in other people attempt of changing them? I do not really understand that.
On the other side, Why Diane doesn’t really give importance about the illness of Jack’s mother. I feel Diana doesn’t really care about it. I am not saying this is bad at all just that it called my attention as part of the character.
Well, I think this is pretty much what truly called my attention reading your story. I enjoyed very much the reading. This is going to be a Great capstone!
Initial impression is: good, but I think it needs to have slightly higher stakes. Meaning, I feel like it is just an extended version of a directing film.
ReplyDeleteHere are some of the notes I took while reading.
Flashbacks – How will they look? Color corrected, B&W, same? I believe they need some sort of filter. In “In sickness and in Health” you cut back and forth, but I don’t think it helped your story. I was taken out of it, because I was wondering where in time and space we are instead of focusing on the dialogue and emotion. I want it to be obvious that your character is experiencing this flashback with us, especially since you have so many in this script.
Like your montage format
Where is Jack’s house set? Flagstaff? I imagine a wooded beautiful area, but am unsure without any description.
Not beer – a glass of hard liquor (Jack Daniel’s or something dark). Hard Liquor is a visual cue that there is something wrong in your character's world, beer is just significant that he is a wife beater (in film anyways).
Hope this helps. PS Can I audition for Jack?
Okay so I REALLY like this. I mentioned to you earlier that it feels slow and that I wanted answers and you weren't giving them to me, but after having re-read the script everything falls into place. It still feels a little slow, but after reading your journal I can see that that's what you're going for and I really wouldn't change much in that sense.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Jason on two points, the liquor and the flashbacks. I think a harder liquor would show that Jack's damaged beyond repair, but if he's still in the beginning stages of alcoholism beer might be the way to go (something you'll have to research but you already said you need to research it so…). For the flashbacks… In "In Sickness and In Health" the flashbacks never pulled me out of the story then again I helped you make the film I knew what was supposed to be happening when and I was aware of all aspects of the story. I know in "ISIH" you went for different color temps and handheld vs sticks, but you may need something less subtle in "Little Ditty" BECAUSE of the number of flashbacks you have. If you didn't want to be overly obvious in the editing room with filters and effects then I would suggest a change of season or a greater gap in time. However if you choose to implement either of these ideas I would rather you go for the change in seasons because if too much time goes by I feel like the story would change.
I hope this helps and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished project! If you don't already heave an editor in mind I'd love to help out in some way ;)
I like the opening title card of your film. I think that the description of the book and the situation that takes place in the book, helps set up your film in a solid way. It doesn't reveal too much and it helps the audience have that "ah-ha" moment later on when they tie the two together.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a very simple story which isn't a bad thing. I think that the approach is interesting and at the heart of it all, we all feel something towards relationships and the fact that you can fall out of love in them so quickly especially when there are driving forces on the outside that helps derail them. I think that your story can tell that.
I think that the montages and the images that are laid out, in particular the end sequence with the huge mural of photos and some of the flash back shots set themselves up for some truly intriguing moments. I think those can portray really well on screen and there can be a good juxtaposition between those and the terrible situation they wind up in.
I am not sure where I stand. I kind of agree with Jason that I think that the stakes could be a little higher. I think that here could be something more driving the character, but at the same time after reading your journal I know what you are going for and I think that just to show how relationships have ebbs and flows was accomplished. I think that maybe that is lost in the shuffle between flashbacks and reality so often but you could always look at playing with the time and space and having some sort of counterbalancing dialogue at some point in time maybe.
I do however, have some issues with the story.
I think that the pacing is a little too methodical in my opinion. I think that the story starts to pick up for me, when we get to meeting Jack for the first time and that is 8 pages into it. I think that we really start to get a sense of the characters and the extent of who they are in their worlds in relation to each other. I know that sounds incredibly general and I do apologize for that. I know that you have a few small kernels of information that pop up during the opening of the film with the canister and the phone call and the flashback but for whatever reason, the story didn't really resonate with me until they actually met for the first time.
I think with all of the things that you have lined up in the film, I know that you have the flashbacks to showcase the different times of happiness and sadness, but I would also caution against the over use of the flashback. I know for me during the reading of it, I understood the differences of time periods. However, to stick to a device in the script that continues to play back and forth in both reality and the past can get a little tedious after a while. I wouldn't mind seeing just a moment in time once in a while without the voice over of something different. I think that some of the moments in the past are so peaceful and serine that you could almost let them stand alone or even allow the dialogue of a current conversation/diegetic sound fade out to show them heading back to a better time. I know that is more a editing room decision but that would be my worry because during reading it, the flashbacks or montage sequences at times made me care less about what happened to them.
I know in your journal, you referenced that the character was going to ultimately decide that they where going to stand on their own two and be happier by themselves. While I am not saying that a complete storybook ending would be appropriate because we all know that doesn't happen right away, the cyclical nature of the story that takes us back to the beginning made me feel like the character never evolved and truly became happy from the experience. While the film is developed and she has moved on from the experience. It almost makes it seem like she never will become the "real journalist" that she wanted to and she is stuck in the same cycle.
I am sure I am reading maybe too far into it, but that is what I took away from reading it.
THANKS GUYS! (:
ReplyDeleteJason:
Yes, I will let you know when auditions are.
As for location, I'm filming this at home- Indiana. I already have all of the locations secured and now realize that I was sparse on description since I already have all of that secured and don't have to look for them. My bad!
Jennifer & Jason:
The flashbacks: I struggle with this idea because I do not like anything I do to be too obvious. However, I planned on including this in the cinematography section, but I am thinking I will treat the flashbacks in a similar fashion as "Blue Valentine." In that film, the present day's images are very crisp and smooth (they shot on the RED). The flashbacks in "Blue Valentine" have a lot of grain added to them, and the shots are shakier and much more of them are handheld. I plan on using a similar style to that. I like that because it adds the older quality without being too obvious by just slapping a sepia filter on them. Basically, I want the flashbacks to feel like memories- jumpy and a bit scattered (visually I am very inspired by the "We Found Love" music video by Rihanna... I think that really captures the idea of snapshot memories).
In terms of the alcohol, that's an interesting point that I didn't consider. From personal experience with alcoholism, I've seen people typically turn to beer. That way they can drink it all day and maintain a buzz. These are functioning alcoholics, and that's what I see Jack as. But if you guys think hard liquor is a more "cinematic choice" to communicate his problem, I'm definitely thinking more about that. Thanks!
Taurean:
I really appreciate the comment about pacing. I always have trouble finding the appropriate place between the slow pace I enjoy and a pace that most audiences are comfortable with. I introduced Jack in a flashback on page 3... shortly after that we hear him on the phone... and then on page 7 they see each other in present day. I wanted to build up to that moment. It may just be an issue of cutting it tighter after I have the footage to get to that moment quicker, but I like the idea of building up to that and showing Diane's life outside of Jack before they reunite... because to me the story is more about her than about him. Do you (or anyone) have any thoughts on that or how to communicate that more efficiently?
I really like your suggestion about fading out the voice overs during the flashback. Thank you! I want it to be very jumbled between present day and the past to show Diane's nostalgic nature and inability to let go (at least at first), so if anyone has more advice on how to portray that without overusing the back and forth, I'd really appreciate it!
As for your last comment, I do want it to remain unclear if her life will be better after she makes her choice. I didn't want her to stay with him; it didn't seem like something she would do. But I also didn't want her to go back to the city and every other aspect of her life fall into place - that's not how life works. I thought it was enough that she decided to return to her film photography to bring some sort of personal fulfillment rather than just working the mediocre job. Any ideas on a better ending, while still keeping it "realistic"?
Thanks again for the comments everyone!!
I see a lot of potential for the montage scenes. There are a lot of cinematic directions you can go with that, also from an editing standpoint you can make the pictures flow well with one another and pop toward the audience as well.
ReplyDeleteScene where we first meet Jack can be funny, but very sentimental also. I like the idea of her freezing between dialogues.
It was a little draw out, but once I got to some dialogue between Jack and Chelsea stuff got more interesting and clearer.
I think this can be a great artsy film, if that is the way you are going with it, if not I see a lot of potential here. Some of the flashbacks confused me, going back and forth between present day and not present day. Make sure the audience can tell the difference, maybe show something is flashbacks that can distinguish flashbacks.
Kristine,
ReplyDeleteVery well written. Again you have matched separate timelines to establish the emotion of this piece in an effective way. I really like the tie in with Kurt Vonnegut's book, glad to see people are still reading. The visuals in your script make it very easy to picture it in your mind. Also, you establish the setting along with your characters extremely well. Overall I found it very relatable, sincere and charming. I think what you have could be improved upon. Your character's conflict in this script, seems to be that she is stuck between two choices. I think that's something you could definitely play up a little more. Having had to make the choice that Diane has to make, I can tell you it's more than difficult. So i completely identify with her as a character.
As I am now reading the feedback everyone else has provided for you, I will try to give notes on elements that have not been previously discussed. HOWEVER, I may warn you, some of these notes are just my personal thoughts.
The first scene, though it does establish your character, almost isn't needed. In fact, the first two scenes do that for you, but I think you could combine the both of them or just omit the first one all together. The second scene where she wakes up in the morning establishes her more effectively because you add the element of her photography background; whereas the other she is just washing the dishes. Seeing how you obviously very good at combining different scenes with L cuts, you could try doing it in the same scene where the voicemail and the weatherman exposition is being exchanged at the same time. That way you still have the early element of Jack' significance VS her life in the city.
Brief thing, not sure if you really needed to write the Teen Drama into the script. Unless it holds some weight in the rest of the film, but I didn't really pick that up so if that WAS something you were going for unfortunately it did not work for me.
There needs to be a way to trim down Kelley's Voicemail. I understand it establishes Diane's reason for being where she is, but it feels more like someone giving exposition than a phone conversation. I know it sounds picky, and coming from someone who's film is a part mock-documentary where information is quite literally thrown at you; i think it could benefit some going back and redoing that bit of dialogue.
I made the assumption that Jack is dealing with his mother's Alzheimer's, I'm not sure if that is correct. Having gone through that with my grandmother, I can tell you it's affect on the family can be devastating. Depending on how much you want to go down that road with this character I think that is something you could explore. I mainly bring this up, because of the line Diane says "You're Different." doesn't have much weight to us as an audience. We see so little of the Jack that Diane fell in love with, that it becomes difficult to connect to her character's decisions by the end. I know there are differences on the surface of Jack, but we should see Jack in a state that makes us as an audience love him. I think the drinking and being messy is a start, but let's see something in his attitude and personality.
I really like the idea of your final shot. My last thought is this, it either needs to be ALL of Jack or the messing piece that makes it her masterpiece is the ONE photo of Jack. Basically you can have all Jack or only one Jack.
I look forward to the next draft and hearing your ideas in person.
Nicely done. I like the use of a meteor shower to start off the story and bring the two characters together again. Watching a meteor shower is really intimate, since you need to be far off from most of society (light pollution and all that).
ReplyDeleteI like the use of the book Cat's Cradle, and I really like the fact that Jack is later shown playing Cat's Cradle rather than listening to Diane (in a fashion similar to the main character of the novel playing when the atom bomb is dropped).
However, I agree with Jason that the stakes should probably be higher. Right now there's a general return to normalcy that comes from their final meeting and parting. That being said, I don't really know the best way to remedy the problem. I think that maybe if you introduce her masterpiece earlier it might help. Having Diane trying to work on a big project and not being content with it before reuniting with Jack and being inspired after they part again could be the solution. I agree with Trent that it does need to be either one photo of Jack or entirely of Jack. Another option is to do one of those photo montage things (where all the pictures create a macro picture) where the macro picture is of Jack, though that might be harder to pull off.
Overall though this is really strong and I like where it's going.
I feel like you have established a nice jumping off point for yourself. I think that, much like Trent said, your ability to flow between multiple time periods is impressive. That being said, I feel that the flashbacks hurt your story more than they help. I can see that these people have had a strong bond, and while the whole thing that seems to reignite these feelings are the Hotfox cd and the showers, I think that the flashbacks are a bit heavy handed, much like the montage. I want to care more about the characters now, not in the past. I feel like you need to convey more information about your characters than you currently have. Also, I think that the mother dying aspect of this is a tad bit cliche. That portion of your script serves more as a vessel to take the audience deeper into what is going on with Jack and Diane, and can literally be anything because it is such a minor part in the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while there has been mention of the stakes being raised, but I want to see more conflict in the story. Why is Diane so torn? Why did her and Jack separate initially? Why did she go back to him? The conflict needs to be there or this plays out extremely slow, heavy handed, and long. I'm not saying I need a Jack jumping out of a 50 story high window into a pool, but I am saying that you need to move your story along in a different way.
Maybe I'm just not seeing it, but the whole Kurt Vonnegut reference point is not connecting with me. I have not read the book, so that could be why it is I am not getting it, but it made me expect one thing and then slams me into something totally different. Again, just my opinion.
Overall, it's a strong story, and a good jumping off point, but I think you need to shorten your length, cut some of the flashbacks, if not all of them (this includes all of the past voiceovers), raise the stakes, create more drama, and make your audience give a shit about these characters.
A simple story of perplexing chracter behavior/emotions. These tend to be my favorite films. I believe it will serve as a further exercise for your directing skills, except here the stakes are higher, obviously. I say simple cause i'm comparing it to Jason's (haha, sorry Jason). Yet it is not so. For me these also tend to be the hardest (especially for film students) because the focus is ALL on the ACTING and if you don't nail that than it's hard to get in the story at all. I think it's a well thought out romantic tragedy, BUT i felt like the stakes weren't high enough for these two to end up the way they did. I'm sorry, that's just how I felt. However, I know that happens all the time. And it is a very hard decision- having to choose between your job and the person you love. Personally, I want to say that when two people do that to each other it's kinda foolish. If I love the person, truly love the person, i'm gonna leave my desires aside and work with my partner to save our relationship. That's me, however. People are different. Anyway, hope that made sense. But what i was trying to say is that I found it hard to feel for these characters for the decisions they both made were really childish. Now, if that was your intention, then I think it worked. Also, were there other reason for them not to stay with each other, like his mom's problem, for if there was I don't know if they were really clear. The transition from them having a good time in the present to her being dissapointed by watching him drink was too sudden and...not well introduced. Don't kill me :/ I also didn't understand why he spaced out or was not in the moment when they were out having nice moments with each other. I was confused as to his changes of moods. And did the relationship end because he had to leave for his sick mother or because she had to take a job in the city? That's another thing. I'm sorry. Other things were the ending. I don't know why she would put up pictures of him on her wall. Agh, I hate myself, for I may not understand what's clearly obvious. Still, I think this could again serve you as a GREAT opportunity to show what you can do as a director. Just give these two characters more reasons to feel for them, if that's what you want to do. I'm only saying this because people in general like to feel or identify themselves with the characters. I don't think that's always necessary. Another thing, in terms of screenplay formatting, just make sure that when you transition yourself to a new location, any new location whether it's the kicthen or the living room, make sure you write a new scene heading. Other than that, I think you're off to a great challenge that I know you will pull off :D cause you're awesome!!!!
ReplyDeleteI like the intro text; I think it subtly and eloquently sets up what is to be expected in the narrative. Most of the flashbacks worked for me and did a job providing the needed exposition at times. I don’t quite understand the significance of the book The Cat’s Cradle for Jack. I found it a tad unusual the weatherman repeatedly urged viewers to go watch the meteor shower over and over without any other weather news to mention. I think for believability his lines should be adjusted although I know you do want to highlight the importance of that moment in their relationship. Along the lines of what Jesus said, Jack’s apathy in what seem like enjoyable moments is quite the mood shift from his otherwise kind and caring behavior. I’m sure it has to do with his alcoholism and depression from his mother’s illness. I think the progression and cause of Jack’s alcoholism needs to be a little better understood for the audience to make a strong connection and understand what he must be going through.
ReplyDeleteI think you use the montage structure in a great way to condense time and in opportune moments to boot. I think hard liquor would be a better signifier of his alcoholic tendencies and almost better fit his character, since he is reluctant to share this new habit of his with Diane. I think more people would identify with sneaking in sips of liquor then trying to secretly pound beers. It’s all a question of character though; beer could definitely work, and work well with good acting. I think Diane’s character does have a sense of closer. She has moved on from an unhealthy relationship that couldn’t quite coexist with her career aspirations. It isn’t a dramatic revelation of character; I think it’s a much more subtle and realistic one. I think by strengthening the positive perception of their past relationship, you can increase audience empathy in your characters, without having to overly dramatize the naturalistic conclusion. I can’t wait to see it. Will you be filming a meteor shower?
Kristine,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really solid script. Simple, yet complex. I'd like to commend you on your ability to successfully maneuver between different time periods.
Your descriptions are vivid and well thought out. Kudos. I definitely feel that a meteor shower bringing the two characters together is something unique and it's very intriguing!
I agree with Taurean with regards to the montages being well laid out and that "there can be a good juxtaposition between those and the terrible situation they wind up in." Thanks, Taurean, for your eloquent words that I've borrowed, but I couldn't have said it better myself.
One thing I was sort of confused by was Jack's emotional tone changes. I take it that he was dealing with his mother's Alzheimer's but I'm not entirely certain. Maybe iron that out and smooth over a few things, but I feel like you're off to a great start and I can't wait to see where you go from here!
Hey Kristine!
ReplyDeleteWell done! This is a very simple, and beautiful story, and as a few others have said already, a very relatable story. I think that you do a great job of jumping from one timeline to another fairly seamlessly, and that is very difficult to do.
I do think that things get a little dry at points, more specifically at the beginning of the story when she is watching tv and doing dishes... I felt that was kind of unnecessary and didnt hook me at all. However, I did become more interested maybe a few pages after, so maybe you could think of just rethinking your intro.
Kristine,
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm having a hard time connecting to the script. It may be because I feel like I've heard stories like these so many times that I just can't get into it. I want to read it on another day to get a different perspective of it, but right now I'm just feeling like a "good for her", now lets move on. I don't see the pain and struggle she has, it just sounds like a sob story and then she makes the choice to move on with her career and despite how much she liked the younger Jack, she can't love the person who he has become. It does remind me a lot of Blue Valentine like you said, and I feel like that may hurt you considering how recent and well that movie did. I'm interested to see your style on it and I think that you are very talented and will be able to accomplish it. I do think you need to raise the stakes, and I think that you need to show more of her love for photography and really focus on her interaction with the camera's and her photos and clearly show why it makes her feel soo accomplished. Really I would to just like to talk it out more, I'm going to read the script again and probably give more feedback, but I'm having a hard time connecting and it may just be this movie isn't my taste, but I just really feel like you are doing something that's been done and i'm afraid that it may hurt the film. Keep it up though and I'm interested to talk with you more.
Kristine
ReplyDeleteSometimes the simplest stories are the most difficult to tell, but I believe you did a great job with that. As said previously, this is something we all encounter, and pulling a story that is interesting enough is not an easy thing to do. So, job well done thus far.
Many of the things that I'm about to point out have clearly already been noted, so I'll be concise.
I would like to see your beginning be trimmed down in order to meet Jack faster. I understand that you are building Diane's character background, but just like the end of my script, your beginning wasn't intriguing enough.
I would build on the idea of cutting down your flashbacks and montages in order to create a more mysterious and rewarding climax when Diane decides to leave this guy that she was so clearly in love with.
Now that I have mentioned she was so clearly in love with Jack, and it's obvious that he hangs around in her mind, I'm not sure that I understand why she left the poor guy. It seems to me that he did not choose to leave her in the beginning, and the idea of her leaving him in the end, knowing that he is struggling with his ill mother seems to be a little brutal. Look into raising the stakes on their previous relationship on why he left her to begin with, making this exit in the end more of an accomplishment for her. And after reading, I'm not sure that leaving Jack was the right thing. It seems to me that she was happier with him, and I know he "is not the same," but it does not seem like enough of a reason to not give him a chance.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with the next draft.
Also...
I like the idea of you shooting in Indiana. Throw some Notre Dame imagery in there for me.
Really nice work.
Diane’s version
ReplyDeleteI like about your script how you link an environmental happening with the relationship of your two main characters. I think the fact that you link this two “happenings” through the TV, works for me very well because it gives a sense of what technologies means for us in the contemporary world. I like that connection!
I also like that you present Diane character, then Jack’s-- showing their relationship --and you ended up with Diane again. The movie is no more than her perspective. In every relationship always there are three versions: one of the partners’ version, the other person’s version and then the truth. I like that you concentrate in her perception (Diana’s truth). If this is your intention, you did it greatly!
Said that, I want you to know what I feel about each character:
I see Diana as a woman who wants to be independent but who has a dependency toward him ( you can call it love if you want) being this her internal conflict.
However, she goes o see jack and see if their relationship can work out (external conflict), but when she gets there, she doesn’t really like what she sees enough to stay, so she decides to leave. That decision makes her to fail with her external goal but somehow, with distance and her success as photographer, she will solve her internal one.
About Jack, I do not know a lot about him. He is going to lose her mother and has problem in her relationship with Diane, so I suppose that he is not in the best phase of his life. He wants to improve the relationship too, that is why he called Diane.
Both wants to solve their problems but both want it at their own way. None of them want to risk nothing of their personal lives. So, it makes me get to the conclusion that both are selfish, their love for their own is bigger than their love for their relationship.
There is something in your story that makes me to have contradictories feelings. Why Jacks want Diane to change him? Why a person should be interested in other people attempt of changing them? I do not really understand that.
On the other side, Why Diane doesn’t really give importance about the illness of Jack’s mother. I feel Diana doesn’t really care about it. I am not saying this is bad at all just that it called my attention as part of the character.
Well, I think this is pretty much what truly called my attention reading your story. I enjoyed very much the reading. This is going to be a Great capstone!