I like the opening establishing shots. I think they can be very beautiful, but I think the voiceover that goes with them is a bit cliche. I think you can communicate these kinds of concepts without it. Honestly, I think the newscasters' lines are more effective to communicate the weight of this situation by simply reporting on it.
I think your transitions from scene to scene are efficient and effective- moving from the different characters' accounts of the mountain. I absolutely love the Henry Moore character. He's hilarious and adds a different, unique perspective to the accounts. I do, however, think you go back and forth between characters too much. I think you should hear/see each character's perspective only once, rather than revisiting them all to hear more and more of their account of the mountain. We understand very quickly how strange and extraordinary this situation is. You can minimize the interviews/retellings and still communicate the same ideas.
I would like to know more about Emma. You introduce so many characters. It could be a bit overwhelming. I think you need to spend more time on Emma's character. She's clearly intriguing, based on what the other characters are saying about her, but I think you need to back these things up with proof in her actions and her words. When we actually see her, she doesn't say anything or do anything profound. And without information about her, we don't know her motivation, which could become a story problem.
The interactions between Emma and Konstantin are the most interesting scenes in this story. Get to them quicker.
I love the ending, starting with page 28 until the end at page 30- beautiful.
Okay...
Overall, I think you have a real gift with dialogue and allowing it to inform the audience of the character. Your script at 30 pages didn't really bore me at all. However, I think you do need to tighten it. I think, again, you can do without a lot of the characters. You spend too much time introducing the phenomenon of the mountain through the eyes of so many different people. The real story is about Emma. Get to that quicker. Get her to the mountain in a concise way, and you will have something great. I am intrigued by her, but mostly because of how she is perceived by other people in the story. I think you will really nail this if you can communicate why she is so extraordinary to the audience through her behavior somehow. I'm really excited to see what you can do with this!
Kristine... are you telling Trent to make his movie shorter? HAHAHA! Awesome! But Trent, I absolutely agree with what she said, once, MAYBE twice per person during the intro, this will allow you to get to Emma's story quicker. But I know you said you're flushing out the story then trimming, so don't get upset.
That being said, you have issue like I do... AMBITIOUS. Government officials and agencies, locations up the wazoo. and not to mention a mountain that touches the sky!
WOW! I really like your script and it is written extremely well, good job!
In terms of what you can cut, I'd have to disagree with Jason and Kristine because I liked all of the different perspectives and personalities that you added to introduce the mountain. I never felt like it dragged and I honestly don't have any suggestions for cutting content out now because it all adds to the story. I think you should shoot with this script and then cut back in the editing room. It'll be much easier to see what you can lose without hurting the story when you're cutting the film together because you can pay attention to how each character's interview affects the overall pacing of the film…at least that's one option you have.
First thought when reading the elevator pitch in your journal…read The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. Its about a circus that appears overnight and it has mystical powers which are explained throughout the book. However, after reading your script the two stories are drastically different, but I think it would be an interesting read for you in terms of the circus and its powers vs the mountain and its powers.
Hope this helps in some fashion and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product!
I don't know if I can really write out what all we have talked about for your movie man. I feel like we have had many a conversation that I am now going to try and condense into this situation. So if I miss almost everything we have talked about, that's because that was many different conversations ago.
Your movie really made me keep reading. That I would like to start with. I read it, as quickly as I have read a script in a while. It really stood out with the dialogue and the transitional shots from the beginning.
I think that the biggest thing that is driving your movie is the ambiguousness of the entire thing and the fact that at the end you still receive some sort of closure. While it still at the heart stays true to what it really is, and allows the audience to still form their own opinions on what happened truly.
I think that your movie holds a lot of different interesting elements. The dialogue as was said before, is very interesting and seems to hold true to not only true talking, but also in a concise way that keeps the story flowing.
I really like the L/J cuts that take place throughout the film. I think that bringing in this massive number of characters is interesting. While I agree that it can be a whirlwind of characters, for me the characters of true importance stood out at the end which I would say was your end goal. You get this information in an interesting way about both Emma and the Mountain without feeling like it is truly backstory or exposition which is hard to do. I love that Emma's mother provides the closure at the end of the film which helps us feel for both her and Emma at the same time.
I know the concerns that you have with the movie and I share those concerns. I know that you have some logistically problematic things in your script and they need to be addressed right away. Figuring out how to get the matching vehicles is standing out to me right now. I know that seems like a dumb one but matching trucks and jeeps is hard to do ok...
You know where I stand on everything about your movie. I know that this post is for all of the information that we are supposed to be helping you on, but I don't really want to rehash everything again. I truly can't wait to make this movie basically...
First of all, the whole idea of a mountain appearing out of nowhere is a really incredible idea. I'm just picturing something like Mount Everest suddenly appearing in the Bread Basket or something and it's an immediately striking hook and makes you want to keep reading to find out what's going on.
I also loved the interview mockumenatary thing you have going on with the opening of the script. The interviews all work incredibly well, and play off each other nicely. As soon as I started wondering about the seismic activity of this, you introduce the fact that it didn't create any seismic activity whatsoever.
As much as I like the mockumentary feel you have going at first, I'm glad that you (mostly) drop it by the end because it allows us to see what happened to Emma in a way we couldn't if you continued with the interview style.
Looking at logistics of this piece, I was wondering on how you were planning on going about the mountain and the world beneath it. Is the ground below going to be CGed in the background, or are you just going to shoot it in such a way that the mountain and the rest of the world are treated as completely separate? On the one hand, showing the world below helps tie the mountain to the rest of the world, but at the same time, the mountain is clearly foreign and as such not shooting them together can work well too.
Great work, and I can't wait to talk to you about it in class.
A very enjoyable read Trent. The metaphors are wonderfully developed while still allowing still allowing plenty of room for your audience to ponder and make the connections to their understanding of reality. The talk show segment feels like it can be a quick humorous moment in contrast to some of the longer tense and awe inspiring scenes later in the film. I think the mockdoc interview do a wonderful job for exposition on the situation particularly with the quick paced cuts between subjects chiming in their own two cents on the phenomenon. The V.O.’s work well with the quick transitions. The audiences empathy for the struggles of Emma is key for a dramatic conclusion of the film so focusing on how she came to be where she is could possibly use some more development. Her mothers dialogue is great.
The one bit of dialogue I found a bit unnatural is the bit about the Press Secretary claiming, congress had the EPA throw together a team. On such an important occasion the term, “throw together a team” seems unprofessional. Are their any international organizations involved? Why are foreign scientists brought in? Congress being the first to action is definitely hard to believe.
On the whole I really think your writing and the content are superb. Iron out the details, fix a few typos, and I think it will be a very though provoking and visually stimulating film. I can’t wait to see what sort of optical tricks and special effects you bring to the table when dealing with the figure and the supernatural occurrences on the mountain. I love the subject mater and your approach to it in the project. Can’t wait to see it.
Dude.... Dude...........dude..... Dude.... I loved this man... i really did. The first 9 or 10 pages of your script flew by, and i was completely hooked. I love the documentary kind of feel you gave the beginning, it really brought me in... A very District 9 kind of pacing, and very interesting. The dialogue is very natural and it flows very well, so great job... help me with my script. I like the contrast of the pacing from the two halves of your script. The beginning was very very fast (or i'm a fast reader....whatever) and then once we actually get onto the mountain, it seems like time stood still, as well as the pacing.. which works.. if that is what you are going for. I liked it. At the beginning of the film i thought that Fleming would be the main focus of the story, and realized he was more of the narrator, which is great, but i think we need to know more about Emma. She ends up being an awesome character, but the entire time I was wondering a lot more about her... so i guess what i am trying to say is that we need to care a little more about her, I felt like i was more familiar with Fleming. I like your ending, very "Sunshineish" which is sweet, But i was curious, where was the duplicate Emma heading? Uhhh, so.... sweet. Good job Brosef Stalin. Love, Nicholas
The story had great flow to it and kept me reading. Being the biggest fan of The Office, I love the documentary style and think you can go a lot of directions with that. You are able to establish who the characters are and what their back-story is, just by the interviews alone. That saying, the events that kept me reading and not skipping to end to just see what the dang thing was, is new information given to me and new breakthroughs in the case. A great example is when Emma and Fleming take matters into their own hands and get pictures of the mountain gorilla style. Also the radio connection back and forth that leaves the audience hanging and suspended even more put a new twist in that story. I would say maybe add a couple more events like that, to not keep the moving from drawing on and on and the audience getting annoyed because they have to wait longer for the reveal. As far as the reveal, I understood it, but it is not where I thought you were going with it, in my mind I either thought, it was a creature, maybe like sasquatch or some type of government experiment. As far as the ending, if it can make the audience really think about what you are trying to say about finding yourself, then I think it would work, but if it isn’t stop on, you might have some troubles. Logistics are something you might want to think about as well, seeing how possible this mountain will be to create, can I shoot on a mountain especially a fight scene, and how long post work will take. Great script though.
Trent, I have to commend you on writing this. I think this maybe one of the best scripts that I have ever read/heard of from this school. I think that your story is original, unique, and overall powerful. I love the pacing and I love the tone you have set. Your understanding in regards to writing dialogue is also second to none. I agree with Kristine to a certain degree, but I am really nit-picking. I think that overall, the script just needs to get tightened at this point. That will come with time, but there are certain aspects that can be modified to make this the strongest movie possible. I would love to get a little bit more back story on some of these characters, however, I really enjoy some of the mystery and the constant wondering feeling I am left with. I love the allegorical feel to it, and I really dig the symbolism all the way through.
Brochacho. Hooked is an understatement. I'm beyond impressed with what you've written and I look forward to see this bad boy in action. With that being said, I know the length of the script has been mentioned on several accounts, but I do not believe that this is an issue that you need to stress over. In my professional opinion, which happens to be non-professional, I think that your length is just right. You give plenty of background to introduce the mystical Mountain, as well as the characters. If you do decide to trim a few pages, please try and avoid V.O. interviews on action. The V.O. you have at this point are perfect, especially with the mother. By adding more you would lose an extreme amount of emotion that you have already created. I'm on board with the ending and love the idea of leaving the audience wanting more. I wanted more, but any explanation would pull from the tonality of this Mountain. I truly enjoyed your work, and we'll talk more. A couple side notes that you might want to think about: -You have a moment where Fleming says that this quickly became the "story of the year." Make it bigger. We know that this is the story of the year... don't restrain the importance or absurdity of the occurrence of a mountain appearing overnight. -Maybe... when you are showing The Mountain in the first 13 pages... just make it clips or parts of the mountain. Save the true image for when Emma and Fleming see it for the first time. I think it will make for a stronger reveal. Just something to think about. Alright then... Be safe out there.
Wow, Trent! Very ambitious, and VERY well written.
I hate to sound like a broken record, though, but the length will eventually be a concern, I feel. I realize this is only your first draft, and I feel like once you figure out the best ways to condense, but keep your story, it will be much, much stronger of a piece. I agree with Derek when he suggested to show only key portions of the mountain, or perhaps do it in a montage? But he is dead on with saying that it would be a stronger reveal to show the full image once Emma and Fleming see it for the first time. It adds an air of mystery that could possibly help your film out.
With all that being said, I know that you're going to make this film a totally badass picture! The documentary-like feel to it adds a sense of rawness and uniqueness that I absolutely love. I'm excited to see this project come to fruition man.
Trent I think you should disregard anyone telling you to make it shorter. I like the length and I think for how interesting it is, the movie will not strike as long. Like everyone else I was totally interested engaged in the story every inch of the way. To be honest I almost wanted more. This doesn't strike me as something you should rush. It's beautiful, it's creative, and it feels right to me. I agree with Nick about the District 9 feel for the beginning and I also like how it does slow down once on the mountain and I like that the ending is very blissful. I feel like the audience will love the character Emma. Also I think the name works, and speaking of you should talk to Taylor Costello, who was in my directing short. I think she would do well in this role because she can relate to going out of her way to get what she wants. She is a very driven person, her personality fits well with this character, and I think she would do well as a female lead. Here is her facebook link [ http://www.facebook.com/taylor.costello1 ]. If you think she would work well, then I suggest talking to her about possibly auditioning and I can also talk to her and possibly let you guys exchange numbers and what have you but, I think it will work. I think this project is definitely achievable, and I really want to help out in any way I can and I'm sure you know that. I think this has a lot of potential.
I want to say that the ending kind of reminds me of Knowing. I'm sure you've seen it but here is a youtube clip of it, watch like the last minute of it and it has this peaceful beautiful, surreal feel to it that i think will work great for your film. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO_W7cMWBMg&feature=related.
I think Konstantine is scary but not enough. I don't know what to do, but I think visuals might help out on that.
So, you completely caught me off guard with your story, but in a very good way. Damn, really that was a good story! :) Really impressive writing, your intercut with the interview and the actual happening and the news reports, it drives your story forward, on a good pace as well.
The reports at the beginning feels a lot like district 9, whether you take that as a compliment or not it's up to you :)
As for Konstantine, I guess I'm just confused why he did became the way he is you know? What drove him to attacking Emma? And that phone call? I feel like that didn't really matched the story at all. Everything else was just feels much more like organized chaos and the mystery surrounding the mountain, but then that phone call with Konstantine and what felt like he's being attacked, it felt out of place with the story.
Have to agree and disagree with Tyler about Konstantine not being too scary. Yes I do agree he doesn't feel scary enough for a man in the wood but like I said at the beginning, why did he got mad anyway? What's the point. Hope you don't take that the wrong way. I do like that quote though, about how climbing a mountain changes you. that's clever :)
Better late than never. Obviously, you know how to write for this was incredibly well written and extremely interesting. Had you not pulled off the dialogue, perhaps this story, as exciting as it may be, would've not worked. So BIG props to that. Again, the flow was phenomenal and that's thanks to the dialogue, which covers like 85% of your script. You build up suspense right from the beginning and the way you decided to enter your story has been very much done before YET it is so beautiful for as you said, it shows the necessity of how earth used to be prior to the appearance of this mysterious mountain. The premise to your story is thrilling and catches your interest right away. The thing about it, however, is that we've seen it way too many times before. I have a feeling you looked at or were either inspired by District 9?? It's totally not a bad thing. I actually don't give a shit that people do things over and over again as long as they do it right and find new and interesting ways to present them. Which is what I believe you have done. I loved it, Trent. And not to sound mean to the rest of the class, but I believe you and Derek have been the only ones to truly capture the appropriate dialogue for your story.
One aspect that bothered me, but is crucial to your story to progress, is the fact that people found it hard to believe that there is someone on the mountain after the picture was made public. Uh, hello!?? A mountain just popped out of nowhere. Things like that don't happen. And if they did, i'm ready to believe whatever comes next and not dismiss it completely. It's something that bothered me, just to say. I guess in my opinion people would've done more about it if the government tried to conceal it and that leads me to believe that your story about the Emma is sorta unlikely. Even though I LOVE the premise of the mysterious mountain, I have to say that I feel cheated by you deciding to end it with Emma's story. You could say she was like our vessel to finding out what was really on top of that mountain. Would people identify more with the story if it was a regular person like Emma who showed us what was really up there? I don't know. I'm mainly looking at the reason as to why she got up there. Either way, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing this!!!
Wow I really like the entire story. For my taste, this is extremely well written and structured. I do not have much to add because I would not change anything. I feel very identified with Emma’s character, that much that if you do not have an actress yet, I would love to do the audition for that role.
I also think you did a great job with Fleming and Emma’s mother character. I really connect with them too. Terrific idea! Very smart the combination of the interviews with the actual happening. While reading I was fascinated with your ability to “guide my mind” from the idea of a mountain into the actual story already immersed in the action.
Thoughts while reading:
ReplyDeleteI like the opening establishing shots. I think they can be very beautiful, but I think the voiceover that goes with them is a bit cliche. I think you can communicate these kinds of concepts without it. Honestly, I think the newscasters' lines are more effective to communicate the weight of this situation by simply reporting on it.
I think your transitions from scene to scene are efficient and effective- moving from the different characters' accounts of the mountain. I absolutely love the Henry Moore character. He's hilarious and adds a different, unique perspective to the accounts. I do, however, think you go back and forth between characters too much. I think you should hear/see each character's perspective only once, rather than revisiting them all to hear more and more of their account of the mountain. We understand very quickly how strange and extraordinary this situation is. You can minimize the interviews/retellings and still communicate the same ideas.
I would like to know more about Emma. You introduce so many characters. It could be a bit overwhelming. I think you need to spend more time on Emma's character. She's clearly intriguing, based on what the other characters are saying about her, but I think you need to back these things up with proof in her actions and her words. When we actually see her, she doesn't say anything or do anything profound. And without information about her, we don't know her motivation, which could become a story problem.
The interactions between Emma and Konstantin are the most interesting scenes in this story. Get to them quicker.
I love the ending, starting with page 28 until the end at page 30- beautiful.
Okay...
Overall, I think you have a real gift with dialogue and allowing it to inform the audience of the character. Your script at 30 pages didn't really bore me at all. However, I think you do need to tighten it. I think, again, you can do without a lot of the characters. You spend too much time introducing the phenomenon of the mountain through the eyes of so many different people. The real story is about Emma. Get to that quicker. Get her to the mountain in a concise way, and you will have something great. I am intrigued by her, but mostly because of how she is perceived by other people in the story. I think you will really nail this if you can communicate why she is so extraordinary to the audience through her behavior somehow. I'm really excited to see what you can do with this!
Kristine... are you telling Trent to make his movie shorter? HAHAHA! Awesome! But Trent, I absolutely agree with what she said, once, MAYBE twice per person during the intro, this will allow you to get to Emma's story quicker. But I know you said you're flushing out the story then trimming, so don't get upset.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you have issue like I do... AMBITIOUS. Government officials and agencies, locations up the wazoo. and not to mention a mountain that touches the sky!
All I can say is... when do we start?
WOW! I really like your script and it is written extremely well, good job!
ReplyDeleteIn terms of what you can cut, I'd have to disagree with Jason and Kristine because I liked all of the different perspectives and personalities that you added to introduce the mountain. I never felt like it dragged and I honestly don't have any suggestions for cutting content out now because it all adds to the story. I think you should shoot with this script and then cut back in the editing room. It'll be much easier to see what you can lose without hurting the story when you're cutting the film together because you can pay attention to how each character's interview affects the overall pacing of the film…at least that's one option you have.
First thought when reading the elevator pitch in your journal…read The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. Its about a circus that appears overnight and it has mystical powers which are explained throughout the book. However, after reading your script the two stories are drastically different, but I think it would be an interesting read for you in terms of the circus and its powers vs the mountain and its powers.
Hope this helps in some fashion and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product!
I don't know if I can really write out what all we have talked about for your movie man. I feel like we have had many a conversation that I am now going to try and condense into this situation. So if I miss almost everything we have talked about, that's because that was many different conversations ago.
ReplyDeleteYour movie really made me keep reading. That I would like to start with. I read it, as quickly as I have read a script in a while. It really stood out with the dialogue and the transitional shots from the beginning.
I think that the biggest thing that is driving your movie is the ambiguousness of the entire thing and the fact that at the end you still receive some sort of closure. While it still at the heart stays true to what it really is, and allows the audience to still form their own opinions on what happened truly.
I think that your movie holds a lot of different interesting elements. The dialogue as was said before, is very interesting and seems to hold true to not only true talking, but also in a concise way that keeps the story flowing.
I really like the L/J cuts that take place throughout the film. I think that bringing in this massive number of characters is interesting. While I agree that it can be a whirlwind of characters, for me the characters of true importance stood out at the end which I would say was your end goal. You get this information in an interesting way about both Emma and the Mountain without feeling like it is truly backstory or exposition which is hard to do. I love that Emma's mother provides the closure at the end of the film which helps us feel for both her and Emma at the same time.
I know the concerns that you have with the movie and I share those concerns. I know that you have some logistically problematic things in your script and they need to be addressed right away. Figuring out how to get the matching vehicles is standing out to me right now. I know that seems like a dumb one but matching trucks and jeeps is hard to do ok...
You know where I stand on everything about your movie. I know that this post is for all of the information that we are supposed to be helping you on, but I don't really want to rehash everything again. I truly can't wait to make this movie basically...
This was an incredible read man.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the whole idea of a mountain appearing out of nowhere is a really incredible idea. I'm just picturing something like Mount Everest suddenly appearing in the Bread Basket or something and it's an immediately striking hook and makes you want to keep reading to find out what's going on.
I also loved the interview mockumenatary thing you have going on with the opening of the script. The interviews all work incredibly well, and play off each other nicely. As soon as I started wondering about the seismic activity of this, you introduce the fact that it didn't create any seismic activity whatsoever.
As much as I like the mockumentary feel you have going at first, I'm glad that you (mostly) drop it by the end because it allows us to see what happened to Emma in a way we couldn't if you continued with the interview style.
Looking at logistics of this piece, I was wondering on how you were planning on going about the mountain and the world beneath it. Is the ground below going to be CGed in the background, or are you just going to shoot it in such a way that the mountain and the rest of the world are treated as completely separate? On the one hand, showing the world below helps tie the mountain to the rest of the world, but at the same time, the mountain is clearly foreign and as such not shooting them together can work well too.
Great work, and I can't wait to talk to you about it in class.
A very enjoyable read Trent. The metaphors are wonderfully developed while still allowing still allowing plenty of room for your audience to ponder and make the connections to their understanding of reality. The talk show segment feels like it can be a quick humorous moment in contrast to some of the longer tense and awe inspiring scenes later in the film. I think the mockdoc interview do a wonderful job for exposition on the situation particularly with the quick paced cuts between subjects chiming in their own two cents on the phenomenon. The V.O.’s work well with the quick transitions. The audiences empathy for the struggles of Emma is key for a dramatic conclusion of the film so focusing on how she came to be where she is could possibly use some more development. Her mothers dialogue is great.
ReplyDeleteThe one bit of dialogue I found a bit unnatural is the bit about the Press Secretary claiming, congress had the EPA throw together a team. On such an important occasion the term, “throw together a team” seems unprofessional. Are their any international organizations involved? Why are foreign scientists brought in? Congress being the first to action is definitely hard to believe.
On the whole I really think your writing and the content are superb. Iron out the details, fix a few typos, and I think it will be a very though provoking and visually stimulating film. I can’t wait to see what sort of optical tricks and special effects you bring to the table when dealing with the figure and the supernatural occurrences on the mountain. I love the subject mater and your approach to it in the project. Can’t wait to see it.
Dude.... Dude...........dude.....
ReplyDeleteDude....
I loved this man... i really did. The first 9 or 10 pages of your script flew by, and i was completely hooked. I love the documentary kind of feel you gave the beginning, it really brought me in... A very District 9 kind of pacing, and very interesting. The dialogue is very natural and it flows very well, so great job... help me with my script.
I like the contrast of the pacing from the two halves of your script. The beginning was very very fast (or i'm a fast reader....whatever) and then once we actually get onto the mountain, it seems like time stood still, as well as the pacing.. which works.. if that is what you are going for. I liked it.
At the beginning of the film i thought that Fleming would be the main focus of the story, and realized he was more of the narrator, which is great, but i think we need to know more about Emma. She ends up being an awesome character, but the entire time I was wondering a lot more about her... so i guess what i am trying to say is that we need to care a little more about her, I felt like i was more familiar with Fleming.
I like your ending, very "Sunshineish" which is sweet, But i was curious, where was the duplicate Emma heading?
Uhhh, so.... sweet. Good job Brosef Stalin.
Love,
Nicholas
The story had great flow to it and kept me reading. Being the biggest fan of The Office, I love the documentary style and think you can go a lot of directions with that. You are able to establish who the characters are and what their back-story is, just by the interviews alone. That saying, the events that kept me reading and not skipping to end to just see what the dang thing was, is new information given to me and new breakthroughs in the case. A great example is when Emma and Fleming take matters into their own hands and get pictures of the mountain gorilla style. Also the radio connection back and forth that leaves the audience hanging and suspended even more put a new twist in that story. I would say maybe add a couple more events like that, to not keep the moving from drawing on and on and the audience getting annoyed because they have to wait longer for the reveal. As far as the reveal, I understood it, but it is not where I thought you were going with it, in my mind I either thought, it was a creature, maybe like sasquatch or some type of government experiment. As far as the ending, if it can make the audience really think about what you are trying to say about finding yourself, then I think it would work, but if it isn’t stop on, you might have some troubles. Logistics are something you might want to think about as well, seeing how possible this mountain will be to create, can I shoot on a mountain especially a fight scene, and how long post work will take. Great script though.
ReplyDeleteTrent, I have to commend you on writing this. I think this maybe one of the best scripts that I have ever read/heard of from this school. I think that your story is original, unique, and overall powerful. I love the pacing and I love the tone you have set. Your understanding in regards to writing dialogue is also second to none. I agree with Kristine to a certain degree, but I am really nit-picking. I think that overall, the script just needs to get tightened at this point. That will come with time, but there are certain aspects that can be modified to make this the strongest movie possible. I would love to get a little bit more back story on some of these characters, however, I really enjoy some of the mystery and the constant wondering feeling I am left with. I love the allegorical feel to it, and I really dig the symbolism all the way through.
ReplyDeleteBrochacho.
ReplyDeleteHooked is an understatement.
I'm beyond impressed with what you've written and I look forward to see this bad boy in action. With that being said, I know the length of the script has been mentioned on several accounts, but I do not believe that this is an issue that you need to stress over. In my professional opinion, which happens to be non-professional, I think that your length is just right. You give plenty of background to introduce the mystical Mountain, as well as the characters. If you do decide to trim a few pages, please try and avoid V.O. interviews on action. The V.O. you have at this point are perfect, especially with the mother. By adding more you would lose an extreme amount of emotion that you have already created. I'm on board with the ending and love the idea of leaving the audience wanting more. I wanted more, but any explanation would pull from the tonality of this Mountain. I truly enjoyed your work, and we'll talk more.
A couple side notes that you might want to think about:
-You have a moment where Fleming says that this quickly became the "story of the year." Make it bigger. We know that this is the story of the year... don't restrain the importance or absurdity of the occurrence of a mountain appearing overnight.
-Maybe... when you are showing The Mountain in the first 13 pages... just make it clips or parts of the mountain. Save the true image for when Emma and Fleming see it for the first time. I think it will make for a stronger reveal. Just something to think about.
Alright then... Be safe out there.
Wow, Trent! Very ambitious, and VERY well written.
ReplyDeleteI hate to sound like a broken record, though, but the length will eventually be a concern, I feel. I realize this is only your first draft, and I feel like once you figure out the best ways to condense, but keep your story, it will be much, much stronger of a piece. I agree with Derek when he suggested to show only key portions of the mountain, or perhaps do it in a montage? But he is dead on with saying that it would be a stronger reveal to show the full image once Emma and Fleming see it for the first time. It adds an air of mystery that could possibly help your film out.
With all that being said, I know that you're going to make this film a totally badass picture! The documentary-like feel to it adds a sense of rawness and uniqueness that I absolutely love. I'm excited to see this project come to fruition man.
-Devon
Trent I think you should disregard anyone telling you to make it shorter. I like the length and I think for how interesting it is, the movie will not strike as long. Like everyone else I was totally interested engaged in the story every inch of the way. To be honest I almost wanted more. This doesn't strike me as something you should rush. It's beautiful, it's creative, and it feels right to me. I agree with Nick about the District 9 feel for the beginning and I also like how it does slow down once on the mountain and I like that the ending is very blissful. I feel like the audience will love the character Emma. Also I think the name works, and speaking of you should talk to Taylor Costello, who was in my directing short. I think she would do well in this role because she can relate to going out of her way to get what she wants. She is a very driven person, her personality fits well with this character, and I think she would do well as a female lead. Here is her facebook link [ http://www.facebook.com/taylor.costello1 ]. If you think she would work well, then I suggest talking to her about possibly auditioning and I can also talk to her and possibly let you guys exchange numbers and what have you but, I think it will work. I think this project is definitely achievable, and I really want to help out in any way I can and I'm sure you know that. I think this has a lot of potential.
ReplyDeleteI want to say that the ending kind of reminds me of Knowing. I'm sure you've seen it but here is a youtube clip of it, watch like the last minute of it and it has this peaceful beautiful, surreal feel to it that i think will work great for your film. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO_W7cMWBMg&feature=related.
I think Konstantine is scary but not enough. I don't know what to do, but I think visuals might help out on that.
So, you completely caught me off guard with your story, but in a very good way. Damn, really that was a good story! :) Really impressive writing, your intercut with the interview and the actual happening and the news reports, it drives your story forward, on a good pace as well.
ReplyDeleteThe reports at the beginning feels a lot like district 9, whether you take that as a compliment or not it's up to you :)
As for Konstantine, I guess I'm just confused why he did became the way he is you know? What drove him to attacking Emma? And that phone call? I feel like that didn't really matched the story at all. Everything else was just feels much more like organized chaos and the mystery surrounding the mountain, but then that phone call with Konstantine and what felt like he's being attacked, it felt out of place with the story.
Have to agree and disagree with Tyler about Konstantine not being too scary. Yes I do agree he doesn't feel scary enough for a man in the wood but like I said at the beginning, why did he got mad anyway? What's the point. Hope you don't take that the wrong way. I do like that quote though, about how climbing a mountain changes you. that's clever :)
Better late than never.
ReplyDeleteObviously, you know how to write for this was incredibly well written and extremely interesting. Had you not pulled off the dialogue, perhaps this story, as exciting as it may be, would've not worked. So BIG props to that. Again, the flow was phenomenal and that's thanks to the dialogue, which covers like 85% of your script. You build up suspense right from the beginning and the way you decided to enter your story has been very much done before YET it is so beautiful for as you said, it shows the necessity of how earth used to be prior to the appearance of this mysterious mountain. The premise to your story is thrilling and catches your interest right away. The thing about it, however, is that we've seen it way too many times before. I have a feeling you looked at or were either inspired by District 9?? It's totally not a bad thing. I actually don't give a shit that people do things over and over again as long as they do it right and find new and interesting ways to present them. Which is what I believe you have done. I loved it, Trent. And not to sound mean to the rest of the class, but I believe you and Derek have been the only ones to truly capture the appropriate dialogue for your story.
One aspect that bothered me, but is crucial to your story to progress, is the fact that people found it hard to believe that there is someone on the mountain after the picture was made public. Uh, hello!?? A mountain just popped out of nowhere. Things like that don't happen. And if they did, i'm ready to believe whatever comes next and not dismiss it completely. It's something that bothered me, just to say. I guess in my opinion people would've done more about it if the government tried to conceal it and that leads me to believe that your story about the Emma is sorta unlikely. Even though I LOVE the premise of the mysterious mountain, I have to say that I feel cheated by you deciding to end it with Emma's story. You could say she was like our vessel to finding out what was really on top of that mountain. Would people identify more with the story if it was a regular person like Emma who showed us what was really up there? I don't know. I'm mainly looking at the reason as to why she got up there. Either way, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing this!!!
Wow
ReplyDeleteI really like the entire story. For my taste, this is extremely well written and structured. I do not have much to add because I would not change anything. I feel very identified with Emma’s character, that much that if you do not have an actress yet, I would love to do the audition for that role.
I also think you did a great job with Fleming and Emma’s mother character. I really connect with them too.
Terrific idea! Very smart the combination of the interviews with the actual happening. While reading I was fascinated with your ability to “guide my mind” from the idea of a mountain into the actual story already immersed in the action.
Great,great,great…