Initial Reactions on the script alone: It's very different from your last one. I like how the montage in the beginning comes back around in the end to show that these were places that they both hung out when they were together and I love the ending where she calls him a year later, however based on what you said last class (and this may be addressed in your journal) this story is happier than the last one and it connives a slightly different story, at least it does for me. I like that you don't have any dialogue, but I think you explain enough in your script that your acts will know what's going on and then be able to improvise accordingly.
My only one issue with your story now is Jonah's drinking, it doesn't seem to fit. He seems happy with Elizabeth…is he drinking because he misses her? On page 4 you say that he repeats reading a poem to his mother and tucking her in five times, but if he's apparently happy why would he be drinking? I hope that makes sense because I don't feel like I've explained it logistically.
Journal: Screen play: I can't really tell if you've changed anything in your general screenplay notes. The names have changed but a lot of the story points that you want to convey aren't in your new script. Again back to the alcohol. You say that Jonah is depressed and a heavy drinker but he seems happy enough until Meg arrives and even when he's there I don;t ever get the feeling that he's a heavy drinker. He drinks hard liquor, but that's as far as it goes for me. If you want it to come across that he's a heavy drinker, then you should show him drinking a glass of whisky while he's taking care of his mother. Just got to screenplay notes and you've answered a lot of the issues there, but if you get a chance you might want to revise the general notes page to reflect the updated info :)
Cinematography: I think you know exactly what you want and its evident from your pictures and their descriptions that you'll be able to explain that to your DP. The only thing I'm left wondering is are you going for a cooler or warmer look? You have an even mix between the two and I think you can pull of both naturally. I'm merrily curious because you were very specific in your directing film about color temperature and I'm surprised that it's not clearer here.
Production Design: Again like cinematography you seem to really know what you want and that comes across in most of your pictures. There were a few instances when I personally couldn't see what you were seeing, but I could see how you could argue it. Maybe take a few of the pictures and really go into why that picture reminds you of what you want. You did it with a few of them and it helped me see what you really wanted but I would have liked more in this section.
Costume Design: Again you know what you want and all the elements are coming together. I can see the different personalities of the characters and how they're going to react based on how you've describes the cinematography, the Production Design and now the costume design. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but you might want to share your journal with your actors if they're ever having any issues finding/developing their character. I know you said you gave them character backstories, but a lot of the information you have so far in these sections could help them understand there charter as well…
Picture Editing: I think based on your previous sections that it'll be a smart move on your behalf to have longer cuts. I agree that it'll help the naturalism and that it might be risky but you want your actors to improvise their dialogue so I think you'll be able find that point between too long and too short a cut.
Sound Design: Again, you know what you want and that comes across.
Over all, all of your sections tie together with the feel you're trying to communicate. I think if you can communicate what you have here to you respective department heads that you'll be able to make the movie you see in you head!
I think that the addition of the Elizabeth character was a very wise decision. It helped me care more about Jonah, and helped exponentially with Meg. She seems much less cold, and it makes it seem like she does genuinely care for Jonah. I think that your concept is going to be interesting, and I think that you are doing the right thing by getting started early with "rehearsals". I like the fact that you want the emotions to be organic in your film, but you do have to be very careful and thorough in making sure that your actors fully grasp what is at stake. With any relationship, the things that are said can often have double meanings and can have radically different meanings based on subtle facial expressions, and in tone. If your actors don't understand, or if the chemistry is not there, you are going to miss those moments. I think that this has the potential to stand out, but you should ask yourself how this character study is different from any other character study film.
As far as your journal goes, I have a very clear idea of the type of film you are trying to achieve. The costuming fits your personality and certain aspects of it can play out in the characters world. I think that Meg's style fits that more urban, hipster-esque vibe that she essentially embodies. I do feel as though Jonah's costuming is a little off though. I see his clothing and instantly think that this is just another hipster movie. I would look at something like (500) Days of Summer. The characters are still very fashionable, however the differences in their wardrobe add a unique new dynamic into their relationship. I'm not saying that you should try and play up the "opposites attract" angle, but I think that by having subtle differences you can add a new dynamic to this "organic" feel. I just question why Jonah would wear a silly hat when he is taking care of his sick mother, personal thing I guess.
As for your cinematography notes, there is a lot of shallow focus, the kind that is overused and abused in the new age and movement in photography. I would suggest being very careful with that. While shallow focus can make for amazing photographs, it has a very hard time translating into the film making world. Considering how organic you want this film, you are going to miss moments that will not, and can not be repeated by being shallow. You are going to miss focus marks and it is going to make your story suffer. There is no excuse for out of focus shots, even in a one shot movie. I think that you have enough understanding of how to compose a shot, but the rules of film still apply and you need to respect them or else your audience is going to be yanked out, quickly. That means understanding you 180 line, and your rules of basic coverage. This applies to the need for over the shoulder shots and the importance of close ups. I think that you are on your way, but I just suggest being careful as to not falling in to the Instagram trap that I saw in your cinematography examples. I also think that you are going to need lighting, of some sort, not just naturalistic. Your characters will run the risk of dead eyes if you do not reflect or use some kind of light. You also need to be aware of your light temperatures and white balancing ratios.
Thoughts on revision. The story was much more clear and more to the point in a much earlier time frame than the last draft. I think you are doing a great thing by making the city of Indianapolis a character of it's own in your script. It was much easier to visualize in my head, I really hope you get to shoot in those locations.
I want to talk about your approach to this film, I may have mentioned this in class but I cannot remember, your film feels like to me like a John Cassavetes film. You should do some research on his films as he is a GOD in Independent filmmaking. His films had the exact some approach you are going for except for one thing, his dialogue was most of the times scripted, however the delivery was not and it still felt natural and organic. I bring this up because of what is and what is not written in your script is at the point just very stale. But that could be the way I'm just reading it. I think you might want to have certain goals and objectives in mind for the characters for the sake of keeping it a short film.
Having an Improvisational Theatre background I fell like there a few principals you should know.
1. The character(s) should always have task at hand. They should always be trying to achieve something, whether it's small or big. 2. Improv is based on TEAMWORK. Your performers have to be comfortable with each other and working together on keeping the light focus and concentration of the scene. 3. Good improv is done with words, GREAT improve is done with body language. Actions speak louder than words. Specific actions display specific choices. Performers have to know and justify why they are making their choices.
I really hope this helps, or at least gives you an idea of what you will be working with. I would love to talk to you more about improvisational acting and would be willing to work with your cast on becoming comfortable with improv with a few warm ups and exercises.
I have to agree with Roger though. Improv + Shallow depth of field = Headaches for your DP.
I was able to visualize more the story, this time through and I thought you did a great job with that. You established Meg really well, with here day to day work and we see who she is as a person with the contents in her room and the photos she takes. I still don’t know what Meg’s and Jonah’s past was like, if it was a mutual break up then I can understand them willing to see each other every year and being fine with that. I can’t see this working if it was a hard break up and they hated each other in a way, so make sure you can convey that to your audience. We see more who Jonah is by he willingness to take care of his grandmother and will do anything for her, even obey her rules when she is not there. That was a huge character development moment and I think it worked. I don’t get the sense that he misses / has the same feeling for Meg as she has for me, it seems in all the montages that she is trying to send signals to him and hinting that she still has feelings for him and wants him to come back to the city so they can be together. Does he care as much as he does and she does, I am not getting that he does, if that is the way you are going at it. Also, him drinking hard alcohol, I am confused on if that is a problem he has because Meg isn’t around or is that one of the reasons they didn’t work was because he was a drinker. Doesn’t come clear to me on the real reason why he needs to drink around her. Maybe work on that portion a little. Thought it was a great revision script. As far as your journal I can see that the major aspect that is going to make your film they way it is, is cinematography and I think that is awesome. An artsy film in a way with an underlining story that is conveyed through pictures. Awesome job.
K-MO! Okay, A side first. I like the new format. It is easy to follow, clean, and gives good room for improv, but enough guidance to not let your actors get carried away. I like how this version ends better. It says that this is a cycle these two characters will revolve in forever (potentially). It's like Brokeback Mountain... with a strait couple. And of course, Whiskey! Can't go wrong with that!!!
B side. The only thing I can say is that when I'm reading (and this could possibly be fixed in the actor's performances) is I do not feel that Jonah's character would ask Meg to stay. For me this is a BIG ISSUE. This is my concern
On Page 7 you have a montage of these things happening:
-- Meg goes to Jonah’s room. He says she can stay, but he seems sad. She lies down beside him, his arm around her.
-- They take a walk through the neighborhood, Meg grabbing Jonah’s hand. He doesn’t look up at her. He mentions his mother.
-- They sit on Jonah’s bed, Jonah relaxing and drinking whiskey and Meg unbuttoning her shirt, Jonah not paying attention.
Then not even a half page later he asks her to stay with him. As a reader/viewer I am RIPPED out of the world and characters you have created. Your story hinges on these performances and characters, but if they do illogical things this could make your story, as Crystal would say, "NOT WORK." In addition to this, your entire situation/premise (Jonah calls Meg and almost begs her to come visit) is now thrown askew because you have Jonah's character not being receptive to Meg. If I were Meg I would ask "WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!!!!???" ESPECIALLY if she begins taking off her shirt and he is not intimate.
I hope I have conveyed this appropriately. I have trouble communicating exactly what I want to say sometimes. Any ways...
Solutions: As always you DO NOT have to listen to me, and I DO NOT want to change the integrity of your story. -You could make Jonah seem happier with Meg. Create a "rejuvenation" of their relationship with this encounter. -If you DO NOT want to change the specifics, maybe it could be solved through dialogue. Maybe Meg could ask Jonah, "What the fuck?" and he comes forward with some type of admission like "I am afraid to commit," (no, too overplayed). He could give the "Mother" excuse, but then breaks down and says its because something else. -Hell, you could even have him ask her to stay because he feels obligated, but deep down he is very glad she declines. If your actor can portray that well that scene will make your movie!
I know I am being semi vague here, but I truly think you need to decide on something that will add the extra bit of credibility to Jonah's character to give him the reasoning behind his actions. If not, you will lose a lot of your audience.
I feel like we discussed a lot about your movie and I am not really sure what else to really write so I have a few more thoughts on random things I guess.
I think that you have taken the feedback that people have given you and taken a good step in your story. I like the direction that you are headed and I think it really strengthens your overall product in the end.
By removing the majority of the flashbacks, you have finally given us a set time period to work with and lost the confusion of different points of time. The ones that have left in are interesting and they seem to hold a lot more significance since we aren't really searching for when they happened in a complete timeline. I think that this also allows your montages to flow in a more organic nature.
As previously stated, I think the inclusion of Elizabeth as a characters gives more weight to the situation. While you have changed the stakes by not making it life threatening, what you have done is effectively raised the stakes by giving us a face to the problem. Before, I generally disliked her for leaving him when his mother was dying. Now that she has a debilitating disease, we see the struggle he goes through. We can identify with her, Meg and Jonah in separate ways. This allows us to feel more in the situation when she is trying to make a decision, while still understanding why he is doing what he is doing.
I know that you want to do improv and we have talked about how you are going to try and capture those moments. I see a lot of chances for some truly genuine moments that can be felt in a closeup. This really is going to be something that your DP is going to have to be on top of. An organic moment is completely different than trying to shoot a straight forward narrative. You are going to need to make sure that your ops are ready to go at a moments notice and that the composition and framing can shift dramatically. It's going to be tough with a DSLR, but I personally would like to see you try and run a lot of it with the 24-70 on your main camera. I think that should your actors get into the scene emotionally and truly get lost, your framing is going to shift drastically. By using the zoom lens you have the ability to make a subtle shift, while keeping at a 4 which will allow your ops a little more leeway as far as focus is concerned.
The reason why I bring this up is because during the reading I noticed that you had some points in which it feels like a true shift in emotional tones can happen. The biggest one to me is when Elizabeth goes to leave. I think if you can make sure that your actors are invested enough in their characters and they know what they are truly trying to accomplish, you can have some great moments that ring true for people watching.
I think that you already know this but pre-production is key for everyone's film, but even more so with yours due to the freedom you are giving your actors. I think that you have a good idea to film the rehearsals as background building sessions. Not only will this allow you to have some more coverage when you go to edit. But this will give your cam-ops a chance to learn the different focus points when this happens. I think you need to treat them as much as a part of the story as you possibly can. I mean get into complete production for them. While this seems like a lot more work, it will pay off in the end by giving your cast and crew a chance to truly understand what they are getting into.
I like your changes to both characters in Meg and Jonah. They both seem more three-dimensional now and they function more as someone I could believe was torn rather than one side against the other. I think you have improved Jonah's character by leaps and bounds and you have taken the mundane nature of Meg's character away. The only problem for me now is that I don't really know how much I truly like either character at the end. I feel like I like Jonah because he did whatever he had to do in order to take care of his mom. With Meg I am now indifferent. I don't really know if I can tell you if its a good thing or a bad thing because if you were going for that then mission accomplished. I think that you could make a few alterations to the relationship aspect of them because she seems to run to him at the drop of a hat and when she hears about the meteors again. She may come across as a hopeless romantic who is truly in love with him when it is on screen. However, just in reading it I worry that she seems like a lost puppy dog right now seeking his approval.
I understand that you want to tell the story about how relationships have three versions of the truth. I get a weird sense of incompletion at the end of your script. I think it is because the way they left off and then the fact that she goes to call him again. I feel like Meg has moved on and accepted what has truly happened after their last day together. She says she needs to go and then the meteor showers happen and she is back to loving him again. I know that relationships can shift and people can fall in and out of love together I just got confused with the way she left but went running back at the sign of their happier times. I felt like with her moving on to the new place and the pictures, she was looking back on happy times but she knew what they meant and that was behind her.
However, after reading what I just wrote, I realized that it will all depend on the chemistry that you have between your characters and the composition and post production. If you can capture the moments they way they read and play out in a vivid imagination with emotional impact, the audience will understand why she could call him back. Without the emotionality and chemistry, those moments are lost and we don't care about those character. Their relationship is the crux of your story and if it rings false then you run into a whole world of trouble.
I don't know honestly how many different times you'll be able to run through the scenarios over and over again, but make sure that you do everything to cover yourself when you get into post. That is going to make all the difference in the world
I like the changes you made for your script. The story is a lot more clear and concise then before. I like the idea of letting the dialogue flow naturally. It is a pretty clever idea and you could get some really emotional stuff out of it.
That being said, i think you are taking a risk at the same time. I feel like once you get to set, this is going to create more problems then you will want to care about. I'm sure you have a plan set to direct your actors, just in case you don't, I will tell you right now that your actors better have a clear understanding about what they are feeling at that particular moment, don't just rely on their improv sklils. Make sure they really get into it, and try to give a semi more detailed guideline of what you want them to do.
It's gonna be a little bit tricky for me to give you a lot of feedback largely due to the fact that you have no dialogue in your script, so I have to give you feedback just on the visuals alone.
Visually, I think your script is very well defined. Your montages are all very well thought out, though I do think the repetition of the poem reading and kissing the mother goodnight is a little much at 5 times, unless they are shot in radically different ways, and even then it's going to be a stretch for me. You clearly have a mind for cinematography and that is really reflected in your journal and the images you provided. More importantly, you're writing shows that, unlike me, you actually know HOW to get these shots the way you want, whereas I have to ask mis amigos.
I do like the inclusion of the mother, as it helps me understand the characters better. It's also better that she's an actual presence in this film, rather than something that's mentioned but not shown, which kind of paints her as a burden rather than a mother.
Personally, I can't really get my head around your story because the lack of dialogue. I'm really intrigued by the idea of all of this being improved, but that's a major gamble. It's very difficult to get consistently good improv, because it isn't so much dependent on one actor's performance, but all of them working together to make just to make that one character look good. With a strong script, it's possible for strong actors to work well even if their partners aren't really that good. However, if the lines aren't there, it becomes that much harder for the actors to really encapsulate everything they need to, not only for their performances sake, but for the audience as well. My advice is to have key lines written down, just in case the improv doesn't carry it.
I think this is a difficult project to pull off, but you're very talented and I think you'll be able to do it.
You did a great job of accepting feedback during class and from the blog and I see that you have come exceptionally far from your previous draft. I really like what you did with many of your changes... Including minimizing flashbacks, and keeping the ones that have the most influential impact to your film.
You have a very interesting vision for your film, and I'm excited to see where this vision goes, but just as you know and everyone else has said the stress of rehearsals and casting seems to be the most important characteristic of your film right now. The idea of going for something organic is bold in the sense that the script is not only a blueprint for the filmmakers, but for the actors as well. I'm late to the punch in saying this and you already understand the risks so just minimize as much of Murphy as you can with the improvisation dialogue. I really am excited to see how it works and I'm cheering for ya. Great work on improving your draft.
I like this story a lot more, because I felt connected to pretty much all the characters. In your prior script I felt like you were searching for too much and this is much easier to handle. Although I like it a lot better, I still think that it needs a bit more. I'm getting this sort of undertone that will really drive your story, and the chemistry between your actors are going to be crucial. I think that is were the success in your film will lie.
I really like the photos that you posted. There is sort of this atmosphere to every photo that makes each of them weighted. I feel like this directly correlates with the undertone of the movie. I think that you are onto something, when it comes down to that and I think you should keep with the shallow depth of field. Although there may be times when it hurts you, I think it'll benefit in the end because it'll give the film that independent, natural feel.
The ending could be problematic. I get the sense that although the two have troubles, her decision to go back is because of this feeling of completeness when she is with him. However, I think that over time he loses that connection with her for a while and it's only time for him to realize what they had, and for her it's time to give him another chance because they are meant to be together. I may have misinterpreted what you are going for, but that's how it came off to me. If that's not the case then I think that the end is a bit weak. It's not a matter of what do we want to happen? and what would really happen? Given that and the fact that you are relying on improv, I would say try to shoot that scene last. Over the coarse of shooting you may realize that there are certain connections or disconnections that are working, and depending on which does may effect the outcome of the film.
The new script format is much clear. It helps me to visualize the environment of your characters much better than n your first version.
I also like the “improvisation” of the actors. I use the “…” because I know you are going to have rehearsal sessions which I suppose the actors will memorize the contents and figure out, with your help, what they suppose to transmit. So it is more an “adaptation” from the script characters to the actual actors. I really like this methodology and I think it can enhance that naturalistic tone that you want to transmit. Go for it! I usually also let my actors adapt the dialogue in function of their personalities and their own understanding of the characters and I did not have any kind of problems so far. So, I think you can get great performances from that.
The presence of Elisabeth character helps to the story to be emotionally stronger (whatever that means, I hope you understand what I am trying to say). In this new version, I am more interested in your characters than before , however I have the sense that Meg is not the main character anymore. Is that what you are trying to transmit? However, I feel them more honest and I really believe them. In the first version I thought your characters were both selfish; now, they are not. I feel they are more mature and it makes me being more interested in them.
In geneal very good job Kristine. As a reader, one can perceive that you have a clear sense of what you want. So, go for it!
I really enjoyed reading it! Excited to watch it on the screen!
Going along with your actor improv plan here, what if you had the actors write what they think their dialogue is early in preproduction, and see how well that fits your character constructs. I’m sure you would find instances to tweak, and could help the actor feel a stronger connection with his character. I’ve never tried such a thing so I don’t know how effective it would be, but I think it could offer some very naturalistic dialogue you might not otherwise consider. I see this piece as being fairly sparse with dialogue except for a few key moments, so I don’t think the extensive improvisation your looking for will hold you back much in that regard. Slightly awkward moments of contemplation and personal reflection are a strong part of this film and great body language performances will be key. I think this draft is a big improvement with the simplified narrative structure, allowing you more time to refine the performances you’re after. A wise choice. Jennifer’s remark of seeing Jonah swig his whiskey while taking care of his mother was an exceptional idea. I think it would really go along way to make his alcoholism more apparent in a very fitting way. I think the naturalistic lighting approach is a good fit for this film, although do have some lighting and reflection available to not limit your shooting options. Some fill and backlight can go along way and still have a very naturalistic feel with the right ratios.
Initial Reactions on the script alone: It's very different from your last one. I like how the montage in the beginning comes back around in the end to show that these were places that they both hung out when they were together and I love the ending where she calls him a year later, however based on what you said last class (and this may be addressed in your journal) this story is happier than the last one and it connives a slightly different story, at least it does for me. I like that you don't have any dialogue, but I think you explain enough in your script that your acts will know what's going on and then be able to improvise accordingly.
ReplyDeleteMy only one issue with your story now is Jonah's drinking, it doesn't seem to fit. He seems happy with Elizabeth…is he drinking because he misses her? On page 4 you say that he repeats reading a poem to his mother and tucking her in five times, but if he's apparently happy why would he be drinking? I hope that makes sense because I don't feel like I've explained it logistically.
Journal:
ReplyDeleteScreen play: I can't really tell if you've changed anything in your general screenplay notes. The names have changed but a lot of the story points that you want to convey aren't in your new script. Again back to the alcohol. You say that Jonah is depressed and a heavy drinker but he seems happy enough until Meg arrives and even when he's there I don;t ever get the feeling that he's a heavy drinker. He drinks hard liquor, but that's as far as it goes for me. If you want it to come across that he's a heavy drinker, then you should show him drinking a glass of whisky while he's taking care of his mother. Just got to screenplay notes and you've answered a lot of the issues there, but if you get a chance you might want to revise the general notes page to reflect the updated info :)
Cinematography: I think you know exactly what you want and its evident from your pictures and their descriptions that you'll be able to explain that to your DP. The only thing I'm left wondering is are you going for a cooler or warmer look? You have an even mix between the two and I think you can pull of both naturally. I'm merrily curious because you were very specific in your directing film about color temperature and I'm surprised that it's not clearer here.
Production Design: Again like cinematography you seem to really know what you want and that comes across in most of your pictures. There were a few instances when I personally couldn't see what you were seeing, but I could see how you could argue it. Maybe take a few of the pictures and really go into why that picture reminds you of what you want. You did it with a few of them and it helped me see what you really wanted but I would have liked more in this section.
Costume Design: Again you know what you want and all the elements are coming together. I can see the different personalities of the characters and how they're going to react based on how you've describes the cinematography, the Production Design and now the costume design. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but you might want to share your journal with your actors if they're ever having any issues finding/developing their character. I know you said you gave them character backstories, but a lot of the information you have so far in these sections could help them understand there charter as well…
Picture Editing: I think based on your previous sections that it'll be a smart move on your behalf to have longer cuts. I agree that it'll help the naturalism and that it might be risky but you want your actors to improvise their dialogue so I think you'll be able find that point between too long and too short a cut.
Sound Design: Again, you know what you want and that comes across.
Over all, all of your sections tie together with the feel you're trying to communicate. I think if you can communicate what you have here to you respective department heads that you'll be able to make the movie you see in you head!
Kristine,
ReplyDeleteI think that the addition of the Elizabeth character was a very wise decision. It helped me care more about Jonah, and helped exponentially with Meg. She seems much less cold, and it makes it seem like she does genuinely care for Jonah. I think that your concept is going to be interesting, and I think that you are doing the right thing by getting started early with "rehearsals". I like the fact that you want the emotions to be organic in your film, but you do have to be very careful and thorough in making sure that your actors fully grasp what is at stake. With any relationship, the things that are said can often have double meanings and can have radically different meanings based on subtle facial expressions, and in tone. If your actors don't understand, or if the chemistry is not there, you are going to miss those moments. I think that this has the potential to stand out, but you should ask yourself how this character study is different from any other character study film.
As far as your journal goes, I have a very clear idea of the type of film you are trying to achieve. The costuming fits your personality and certain aspects of it can play out in the characters world. I think that Meg's style fits that more urban, hipster-esque vibe that she essentially embodies. I do feel as though Jonah's costuming is a little off though. I see his clothing and instantly think that this is just another hipster movie. I would look at something like (500) Days of Summer. The characters are still very fashionable, however the differences in their wardrobe add a unique new dynamic into their relationship. I'm not saying that you should try and play up the "opposites attract" angle, but I think that by having subtle differences you can add a new dynamic to this "organic" feel. I just question why Jonah would wear a silly hat when he is taking care of his sick mother, personal thing I guess.
As for your cinematography notes, there is a lot of shallow focus, the kind that is overused and abused in the new age and movement in photography. I would suggest being very careful with that. While shallow focus can make for amazing photographs, it has a very hard time translating into the film making world. Considering how organic you want this film, you are going to miss moments that will not, and can not be repeated by being shallow. You are going to miss focus marks and it is going to make your story suffer. There is no excuse for out of focus shots, even in a one shot movie. I think that you have enough understanding of how to compose a shot, but the rules of film still apply and you need to respect them or else your audience is going to be yanked out, quickly. That means understanding you 180 line, and your rules of basic coverage. This applies to the need for over the shoulder shots and the importance of close ups. I think that you are on your way, but I just suggest being careful as to not falling in to the Instagram trap that I saw in your cinematography examples. I also think that you are going to need lighting, of some sort, not just naturalistic. Your characters will run the risk of dead eyes if you do not reflect or use some kind of light. You also need to be aware of your light temperatures and white balancing ratios.
Hope this helped.
Roger.
Thoughts on revision. The story was much more clear and more to the point in a much earlier time frame than the last draft. I think you are doing a great thing by making the city of Indianapolis a character of it's own in your script. It was much easier to visualize in my head, I really hope you get to shoot in those locations.
ReplyDeleteI want to talk about your approach to this film, I may have mentioned this in class but I cannot remember, your film feels like to me like a John Cassavetes film. You should do some research on his films as he is a GOD in Independent filmmaking. His films had the exact some approach you are going for except for one thing, his dialogue was most of the times scripted, however the delivery was not and it still felt natural and organic. I bring this up because of what is and what is not written in your script is at the point just very stale. But that could be the way I'm just reading it. I think you might want to have certain goals and objectives in mind for the characters for the sake of keeping it a short film.
Having an Improvisational Theatre background I fell like there a few principals you should know.
1. The character(s) should always have task at hand. They should always be trying to achieve something, whether it's small or big.
2. Improv is based on TEAMWORK. Your performers have to be comfortable with each other and working together on keeping the light focus and concentration of the scene.
3. Good improv is done with words, GREAT improve is done with body language. Actions speak louder than words. Specific actions display specific choices. Performers have to know and justify why they are making their choices.
I really hope this helps, or at least gives you an idea of what you will be working with. I would love to talk to you more about improvisational acting and would be willing to work with your cast on becoming comfortable with improv with a few warm ups and exercises.
I have to agree with Roger though. Improv + Shallow depth of field = Headaches for your DP.
I was able to visualize more the story, this time through and I thought you did a great job with that. You established Meg really well, with here day to day work and we see who she is as a person with the contents in her room and the photos she takes. I still don’t know what Meg’s and Jonah’s past was like, if it was a mutual break up then I can understand them willing to see each other every year and being fine with that. I can’t see this working if it was a hard break up and they hated each other in a way, so make sure you can convey that to your audience.
ReplyDeleteWe see more who Jonah is by he willingness to take care of his grandmother and will do anything for her, even obey her rules when she is not there. That was a huge character development moment and I think it worked. I don’t get the sense that he misses / has the same feeling for Meg as she has for me, it seems in all the montages that she is trying to send signals to him and hinting that she still has feelings for him and wants him to come back to the city so they can be together. Does he care as much as he does and she does, I am not getting that he does, if that is the way you are going at it.
Also, him drinking hard alcohol, I am confused on if that is a problem he has because Meg isn’t around or is that one of the reasons they didn’t work was because he was a drinker. Doesn’t come clear to me on the real reason why he needs to drink around her. Maybe work on that portion a little. Thought it was a great revision script.
As far as your journal I can see that the major aspect that is going to make your film they way it is, is cinematography and I think that is awesome. An artsy film in a way with an underlining story that is conveyed through pictures. Awesome job.
K-MO! Okay, A side first. I like the new format. It is easy to follow, clean, and gives good room for improv, but enough guidance to not let your actors get carried away. I like how this version ends better. It says that this is a cycle these two characters will revolve in forever (potentially). It's like Brokeback Mountain... with a strait couple. And of course, Whiskey! Can't go wrong with that!!!
ReplyDeleteB side. The only thing I can say is that when I'm reading (and this could possibly be fixed in the actor's performances) is I do not feel that Jonah's character would ask Meg to stay. For me this is a BIG ISSUE. This is my concern
On Page 7 you have a montage of these things happening:
-- Meg goes to Jonah’s room. He says she can stay, but he
seems sad. She lies down beside him, his arm around her.
-- They take a walk through the neighborhood, Meg grabbing
Jonah’s hand. He doesn’t look up at her. He mentions his
mother.
-- They sit on Jonah’s bed, Jonah relaxing and drinking
whiskey and Meg unbuttoning her shirt, Jonah not paying
attention.
Then not even a half page later he asks her to stay with him. As a reader/viewer I am RIPPED out of the world and characters you have created. Your story hinges on these performances and characters, but if they do illogical things this could make your story, as Crystal would say, "NOT WORK." In addition to this, your entire situation/premise (Jonah calls Meg and almost begs her to come visit) is now thrown askew because you have Jonah's character not being receptive to Meg. If I were Meg I would ask "WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!!!!???" ESPECIALLY if she begins taking off her shirt and he is not intimate.
I hope I have conveyed this appropriately. I have trouble communicating exactly what I want to say sometimes. Any ways...
Solutions: As always you DO NOT have to listen to me, and I DO NOT want to change the integrity of your story.
-You could make Jonah seem happier with Meg. Create a "rejuvenation" of their relationship with this encounter.
-If you DO NOT want to change the specifics, maybe it could be solved through dialogue. Maybe Meg could ask Jonah, "What the fuck?" and he comes forward with some type of admission like "I am afraid to commit," (no, too overplayed). He could give the "Mother" excuse, but then breaks down and says its because something else.
-Hell, you could even have him ask her to stay because he feels obligated, but deep down he is very glad she declines. If your actor can portray that well that scene will make your movie!
I know I am being semi vague here, but I truly think you need to decide on something that will add the extra bit of credibility to Jonah's character to give him the reasoning behind his actions. If not, you will lose a lot of your audience.
Kristine,
ReplyDeleteI feel like we discussed a lot about your movie and I am not really sure what else to really write so I have a few more thoughts on random things I guess.
I think that you have taken the feedback that people have given you and taken a good step in your story. I like the direction that you are headed and I think it really strengthens your overall product in the end.
By removing the majority of the flashbacks, you have finally given us a set time period to work with and lost the confusion of different points of time. The ones that have left in are interesting and they seem to hold a lot more significance since we aren't really searching for when they happened in a complete timeline. I think that this also allows your montages to flow in a more organic nature.
As previously stated, I think the inclusion of Elizabeth as a characters gives more weight to the situation. While you have changed the stakes by not making it life threatening, what you have done is effectively raised the stakes by giving us a face to the problem. Before, I generally disliked her for leaving him when his mother was dying. Now that she has a debilitating disease, we see the struggle he goes through. We can identify with her, Meg and Jonah in separate ways. This allows us to feel more in the situation when she is trying to make a decision, while still understanding why he is doing what he is doing.
I know that you want to do improv and we have talked about how you are going to try and capture those moments. I see a lot of chances for some truly genuine moments that can be felt in a closeup. This really is going to be something that your DP is going to have to be on top of. An organic moment is completely different than trying to shoot a straight forward narrative. You are going to need to make sure that your ops are ready to go at a moments notice and that the composition and framing can shift dramatically. It's going to be tough with a DSLR, but I personally would like to see you try and run a lot of it with the 24-70 on your main camera. I think that should your actors get into the scene emotionally and truly get lost, your framing is going to shift drastically. By using the zoom lens you have the ability to make a subtle shift, while keeping at a 4 which will allow your ops a little more leeway as far as focus is concerned.
The reason why I bring this up is because during the reading I noticed that you had some points in which it feels like a true shift in emotional tones can happen. The biggest one to me is when Elizabeth goes to leave. I think if you can make sure that your actors are invested enough in their characters and they know what they are truly trying to accomplish, you can have some great moments that ring true for people watching.
I think that you already know this but pre-production is key for everyone's film, but even more so with yours due to the freedom you are giving your actors. I think that you have a good idea to film the rehearsals as background building sessions. Not only will this allow you to have some more coverage when you go to edit. But this will give your cam-ops a chance to learn the different focus points when this happens. I think you need to treat them as much as a part of the story as you possibly can. I mean get into complete production for them. While this seems like a lot more work, it will pay off in the end by giving your cast and crew a chance to truly understand what they are getting into.
ReplyDeleteI like your changes to both characters in Meg and Jonah. They both seem more three-dimensional now and they function more as someone I could believe was torn rather than one side against the other. I think you have improved Jonah's character by leaps and bounds and you have taken the mundane nature of Meg's character away. The only problem for me now is that I don't really know how much I truly like either character at the end. I feel like I like Jonah because he did whatever he had to do in order to take care of his mom. With Meg I am now indifferent. I don't really know if I can tell you if its a good thing or a bad thing because if you were going for that then mission accomplished. I think that you could make a few alterations to the relationship aspect of them because she seems to run to him at the drop of a hat and when she hears about the meteors again. She may come across as a hopeless romantic who is truly in love with him when it is on screen. However, just in reading it I worry that she seems like a lost puppy dog right now seeking his approval.
I understand that you want to tell the story about how relationships have three versions of the truth. I get a weird sense of incompletion at the end of your script. I think it is because the way they left off and then the fact that she goes to call him again. I feel like Meg has moved on and accepted what has truly happened after their last day together. She says she needs to go and then the meteor showers happen and she is back to loving him again. I know that relationships can shift and people can fall in and out of love together I just got confused with the way she left but went running back at the sign of their happier times. I felt like with her moving on to the new place and the pictures, she was looking back on happy times but she knew what they meant and that was behind her.
However, after reading what I just wrote, I realized that it will all depend on the chemistry that you have between your characters and the composition and post production. If you can capture the moments they way they read and play out in a vivid imagination with emotional impact, the audience will understand why she could call him back. Without the emotionality and chemistry, those moments are lost and we don't care about those character. Their relationship is the crux of your story and if it rings false then you run into a whole world of trouble.
I don't know honestly how many different times you'll be able to run through the scenarios over and over again, but make sure that you do everything to cover yourself when you get into post. That is going to make all the difference in the world
Hey kristine
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you made for your script. The story is a lot more clear and concise then before. I like the idea of letting the dialogue flow naturally. It is a pretty clever idea and you could get some really emotional stuff out of it.
That being said, i think you are taking a risk at the same time. I feel like once you get to set, this is going to create more problems then you will want to care about. I'm sure you have a plan set to direct your actors, just in case you don't, I will tell you right now that your actors better have a clear understanding about what they are feeling at that particular moment, don't just rely on their improv sklils. Make sure they really get into it, and try to give a semi more detailed guideline of what you want them to do.
Hey Kristine,
ReplyDeleteIt's gonna be a little bit tricky for me to give you a lot of feedback largely due to the fact that you have no dialogue in your script, so I have to give you feedback just on the visuals alone.
Visually, I think your script is very well defined. Your montages are all very well thought out, though I do think the repetition of the poem reading and kissing the mother goodnight is a little much at 5 times, unless they are shot in radically different ways, and even then it's going to be a stretch for me. You clearly have a mind for cinematography and that is really reflected in your journal and the images you provided. More importantly, you're writing shows that, unlike me, you actually know HOW to get these shots the way you want, whereas I have to ask mis amigos.
I do like the inclusion of the mother, as it helps me understand the characters better. It's also better that she's an actual presence in this film, rather than something that's mentioned but not shown, which kind of paints her as a burden rather than a mother.
Personally, I can't really get my head around your story because the lack of dialogue. I'm really intrigued by the idea of all of this being improved, but that's a major gamble. It's very difficult to get consistently good improv, because it isn't so much dependent on one actor's performance, but all of them working together to make just to make that one character look good. With a strong script, it's possible for strong actors to work well even if their partners aren't really that good. However, if the lines aren't there, it becomes that much harder for the actors to really encapsulate everything they need to, not only for their performances sake, but for the audience as well. My advice is to have key lines written down, just in case the improv doesn't carry it.
I think this is a difficult project to pull off, but you're very talented and I think you'll be able to do it.
You did a great job of accepting feedback during class and from the blog and I see that you have come exceptionally far from your previous draft. I really like what you did with many of your changes... Including minimizing flashbacks, and keeping the ones that have the most influential impact to your film.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very interesting vision for your film, and I'm excited to see where this vision goes, but just as you know and everyone else has said the stress of rehearsals and casting seems to be the most important characteristic of your film right now. The idea of going for something organic is bold in the sense that the script is not only a blueprint for the filmmakers, but for the actors as well. I'm late to the punch in saying this and you already understand the risks so just minimize as much of Murphy as you can with the improvisation dialogue. I really am excited to see how it works and I'm cheering for ya. Great work on improving your draft.
Seeee ya on Thursdayyy.
I like this story a lot more, because I felt connected to pretty much all the characters. In your prior script I felt like you were searching for too much and this is much easier to handle. Although I like it a lot better, I still think that it needs a bit more. I'm getting this sort of undertone that will really drive your story, and the chemistry between your actors are going to be crucial. I think that is were the success in your film will lie.
ReplyDeleteI really like the photos that you posted. There is sort of this atmosphere to every photo that makes each of them weighted. I feel like this directly correlates with the undertone of the movie. I think that you are onto something, when it comes down to that and I think you should keep with the shallow depth of field. Although there may be times when it hurts you, I think it'll benefit in the end because it'll give the film that independent, natural feel.
The ending could be problematic. I get the sense that although the two have troubles, her decision to go back is because of this feeling of completeness when she is with him. However, I think that over time he loses that connection with her for a while and it's only time for him to realize what they had, and for her it's time to give him another chance because they are meant to be together. I may have misinterpreted what you are going for, but that's how it came off to me. If that's not the case then I think that the end is a bit weak. It's not a matter of what do we want to happen? and what would really happen? Given that and the fact that you are relying on improv, I would say try to shoot that scene last. Over the coarse of shooting you may realize that there are certain connections or disconnections that are working, and depending on which does may effect the outcome of the film.
Great changes Kristine!
ReplyDeleteThe new script format is much clear. It helps me to visualize the environment of your characters much better than n your first version.
I also like the “improvisation” of the actors. I use the “…” because I know you are going to have rehearsal sessions which I suppose the actors will memorize the contents and figure out, with your help, what they suppose to transmit. So it is more an “adaptation” from the script characters to the actual actors. I really like this methodology and I think it can enhance that naturalistic tone that you want to transmit. Go for it! I usually also let my actors adapt the dialogue in function of their personalities and their own understanding of the characters and I did not have any kind of problems so far. So, I think you can get great performances from that.
The presence of Elisabeth character helps to the story to be emotionally stronger (whatever that means, I hope you understand what I am trying to say). In this new version, I am more interested in your characters than before , however I have the sense that Meg is not the main character anymore. Is that what you are trying to transmit? However, I feel them more honest and I really believe them. In the first version I thought your characters were both selfish; now, they are not. I feel they are more mature and it makes me being more interested in them.
In geneal very good job Kristine. As a reader, one can perceive that you have a clear sense of what you want. So, go for it!
I really enjoyed reading it! Excited to watch it on the screen!
Going along with your actor improv plan here, what if you had the actors write what they think their dialogue is early in preproduction, and see how well that fits your character constructs. I’m sure you would find instances to tweak, and could help the actor feel a stronger connection with his character. I’ve never tried such a thing so I don’t know how effective it would be, but I think it could offer some very naturalistic dialogue you might not otherwise consider. I see this piece as being fairly sparse with dialogue except for a few key moments, so I don’t think the extensive improvisation your looking for will hold you back much in that regard. Slightly awkward moments of contemplation and personal reflection are a strong part of this film and great body language performances will be key.
ReplyDeleteI think this draft is a big improvement with the simplified narrative structure, allowing you more time to refine the performances you’re after. A wise choice. Jennifer’s remark of seeing Jonah swig his whiskey while taking care of his mother was an exceptional idea. I think it would really go along way to make his alcoholism more apparent in a very fitting way. I think the naturalistic lighting approach is a good fit for this film, although do have some lighting and reflection available to not limit your shooting options. Some fill and backlight can go along way and still have a very naturalistic feel with the right ratios.